What the hell is it going to take to get you geeks worked up over Robert Zemeckis’s performance capture rendering of the anonymously penned epic poem Beowulf? It’s the foundation of everything y’all hold dear. The Lord of the Rings, Dungeons & Dragons, Mazes and Monsters… none of it would exist without this watershed work in long-winded yarn spinnin’. This should be your most anticipated movie of the year, but you’re treating it like Superman Returns: The Extra-Heavy Lifting Edition. Are you troubled by the memory of The Polar Express? Worried about the PG-13? Concerned that the neither-here-nor-there rating might eliminate the likelihood of two grown men fighting to the death in the buff? I thought so. Well, here’s The Los Angeles Times‘ Sheigh Crabtree with some good news:
"[Ray Winstone’s] knack for a good scrap is on show in one of the film’s pivotal fight scenes when Beowulf battles Grendel in the nude, mano a beast-o."
I’ll give you a second or two to complete.
Though I’m a little peeved that the mainstream-catering Crabtree snagged a Beowulf exclusive when I’ve been extolling the potential greatness of this project for over a year, the important thing is that we’ll get to see Ray Winstone and Crispin Glover grapple the way men were meant to grapple: buck ass nekkid. I just hope their battle takes place in a cramped, humid locale with shitty ventilation. It’d also be nice if they oiled up beforehand for comfort’s sake. And while Alan Silvestri’s score sounds magnificent, he could probably bow out for ten minutes and let Frankie Goes to Hollywood take over.
Crabtree’s obviously seen the footage I’ll be seeing tonight in San Diego. This makes me mad. Mad enough to strip down to nothin’ and wrestle Brad Grey. You know where I’ll be for the next five days, big shot. Try me.