If you look at the top ten films of all time (aka the best of Sam Strange), six of them will be Star Wars films. This historical series has changed the life of every man, woman, man-child, child, and child-child who have come across its middle school charms, high school themes, and technical school wizardry. In an effort to come to terms with what I have done to the world, I will now remember all six films…
THE PHANTOM MENACE
Boy-scoutism is a real bummer of an illness. I’ve never had it, but I’ve seen the way they have to dress, and I do not want. Nevertheless, it seemed that people who suffer from Boy-scoutism had no role models to look up to in the film world. So I created the Jedi to fix all that.
The Jedi are an army of really “cool” Christian ninjas with light sticks that can cut through anything except other light sticks. These weapons are amazingly dangerous, so the Jedi only fight when they’re on the verge of already being dead. On top of that, they also have to follow a strict no-fun policy which forbids them from laughing, having sex, eating cooked foods, and using contractions when they speak. They constantly practice rope-tying skills and campfire etiquette. They do NOT deal in absolutes.
As The Phantom Menace begins, two Jedi (Linebacker Jedi and his ward, Obi-Bobie Kenobi-Dobie) get their asses handed to them by a bunch of Asian bankers. The Asians want to take over a country called Nah-Bah and the Jedi are trying to make sure they don’t. After failing on the front line, they try to make lemonade by at least rescuing the Queen before she gets raped and beheaded.
On the way, they run into a guy named Jar Jar, who’s a member of frog-men race known as Gun-Guns. As far as Gun-Guns go, Jar-Jar is especially black. I got a lot of heat over this character, so allow me a moment to explain myself: I wanted to make fun of black people. There. Can we end the controversy already? It’s not like I ONLY made fun of black people. If you ask me, I was just as demeaning to Asians, Jews, intelligent women, gay robots, and fat people. I would have done Mexicans too, but all the Darth Malo stuff was cut when I realized his scenes were stealing jobs from all the other scenes.
Anyway the Queen, the Jedi, and the Jar Jar hide out in a desert country called Tat-Tat. While making a business transaction with a Jewish bug (NOT ADVISED!), they come across a little boy played by Chucky from those Child’s Play movies. Obie-Bobie Kenobi-Dobie is still young, so he doesn’t see anything special about the kid, but Linebacker Jedi has run some touchdowns in his day, and he knows Super Jedi shit when he sees it. “This boy is very special. We have to take him with us,” he orders. Anakin asks, “Can you save my mom? She’s a slave, too.” Linebacker Jedi thinks it over, “Hmmm…we didn’t come here to free slaves.” Anakin is taken aback, “Jeez, you don’t have to be such an asshole.” And thus, the first seed against the Jedi order is planted in Anakin’s heart.
While Linebacker Jedi goes off to seduce the kid’s mom for a permission slip, the kid does a little seducing of his own. He checks out the foxy Queen, not bothered at all that she’s old enough to be his babysitter. “Are you an angel?” he asks her. Thanks to the power of myth, this is all it takes to get into her “heart”. Afterwords, she fixes him a bottle of warm milk and tells him, “Our romance will be very difficult, Anakin. I’m a Queen. And you’re about to become a Jedi Knight.”
“So?” he asks.
“Jedi Knights are not allowed to have sex.”
He sits up. “Bitch, say what?!” And thus, the first seed against the Jedi order is planted in Anakin’s heart.
See, there are the Jedi, who are like hall monitors, and there are the Sith, who are like coke-dealing jocks. Being a Sith is easier, more fun, and gives you super strength, so it’s really tempting for young Jedi to switch sides. The elder Jedi Knights know this, and they respond by acting like assholes to increase the temptation even further. The thinking is, the kid can only be a Jedi Knight if he REALLY REALLY wants it.
While all this is going on, the Sith are making some serious moves. The entire planet is being run by a senate, which is being run by this guy named Palp-Palp. He seems old and gentle enough, but when no one’s looking he takes off his glasses and reveals himself to be the most powerful Sith ever. The spiritually sensitive Jedi can’t see him for what he really is because they are tricked by his glasses. As it turns out, HE is the one behind the Asian invasion of Nah-Bah. Not only that, but he can feel the power hiding within Anakin and begins to plan his eventual corruption. Oh, and he has a really cool apprentice named Darth Mall, who he sends out to stir up some shit and make sure the invasion goes okay.
Well, it could be going better. The Asian army of origami robots had it easy at first, but then all the other Gun-Guns came out of their water and fought back. Right when this is happening, our motley crew from Tat-Tat shows up to help. They all split up and four battles happen at once:
1. The Queen and her men shoot things, and end up arresting the main Asian banker, Godzilla Sushi Suzuki.
2. Jar-Jar joins his Gun-Gun brothers in the battlefield and manages to stay alive through his awesome Forrest Gump-like powers of lucky idiocy.
3. Anakin accidentally flies a plane into outer space and accidentally bombs their robot satellites, which accidentally ends the invasion in one accidental second.
4. Linebacker Jedi and Obi-Bobie Kenobi-Dobie fight the infinitely cool Darth Mall. When Obi Kenobi gets separated from the fight by flickering laser doors, Mall stabs his mentor to death. Two seconds after the laser doors finally release him, Obi Kenobi cuts Darth Mall into two outside shopping centers.
Afterwords, everyone is happy. Obi Kenobi takes Anakin to the Jedi council and asks for permission to train him. Two guys in particular, Mace Window and Yogi Bear, are not into the idea, but agree anyway because they actually have very little influence over anything. “Train him you shall,” says Yogi. “But ask me if you were to, say would I, won you have, accident by which.” Anakin narrows his eyes. “WTF did you just say, Gramps?”
“He says you have the bacteria count of a great Jedi Knight,” answers Window. “But he thinks your success yesterday was purely accidental.” Anakin doesn’t like this. And thus, the first seed against the Jedi order is planted in Anakin’s heart.
Meanwhile, Palp-Palp is in a surprisingly good mood considering his invasion was a failure that cost the life of his totally awesome apprentice. To find out why, you’re going to have to wait four years…