The good thing – and I mean the only good motherfucking thing – about the Shrek juggernaut is that each installment is so vacuous as to be instantly forgettable. I mean, like “I’m sitting here in the theater, and I cannot remember what happened 15 minutes ago” forgettable. I’ve actually seen both movies, but cannot remember anything specific about either one other than thinking to myself “I don’t know if this is going to work out” as I sat next to the woman who was my fiancé at the time and is now my wife. Thankfully, she slowly came around and agreed to a “No More Goddamn Shrek” clause in the prenup, so we’re good. What’s not so good is that by the time Shrek 4 rolls around in 2010, the child she is now 20 weeks pregnant with will likely be hypnotized from TV ads into wanting to see this and our clause may be severely tested. Plus, I fear that warning the kid away explicitly will have the same effect that parental speeches about drugs, sex, and whatever else usually has on children. There’s always severe beatings, but I want to save those for more appropriate occasions like when the little one loses their first fight at school or later when I find out they’re part of either the A/V Club or the Chess Club. They’ll thank me for it eventually…

Anyway, it’s not like there was any doubt that DreamWorks would ride this until the wheels fell off, so you won’t be surprised when I tell you that they’ve grabbed a director for Shrek 4 already. Mike Mitchell (Sky High, Deuce Bigalo: Male Gigalo) has signed up to helm this monstrosity. Normally, I’d look back at his CV and try to pull out a ray of hope that could signify that he’ll make this film good. But on a huge CGI animation tentpole like this, there’s no point. Regardless of who is in the chair or writing the script, the movie that comes out will be the one that the studio makes. The new characters will be the ones the studio wants to add on for maximum merchandising revenue. The soundtrack will be the one the studio wants to use to cross-promote artists on whatever parent company-affiliated record label goes along with DreamWorks these days. These films are just as much toy and merchandising commercials as Transformers or G.I. Joe were in my youth. All I can do is subtly steer my kid-to-be to the good stuff and make sure to accidentally scratch the DVDs of the bad stuff beyond recognition.