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Sometimes I wish my lawyers didn't tell me to take down my blog
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| The Chewers Catch-All This is the place to discuss the folks that frequent the site and boards. This is the place to praise, question motives, and ask opinions frankly and away from other threads that may not be relevant. Uncle Mitch thanks you. |
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#1
06-11-2005, 05:41 PM
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Sometimes I wish my lawyers didn't tell me to take down my blog
Okay, this Tom Cruise Katie Holmes thing.... Look, I've worked with more than a few scientologists. I'm not going to piss on their shit, and you know what, the female scientologists, I mean their thing has nothing against freaky deaky sex shit. So that's something. I met a cute Baptist chick in LA, and she was like "God's against anal" and I'm all like "Then God's against you working in this town, and God's name is Jerry Bruckheimer."
And you know what, I've hung out with Cruise cause me and Spielberg are tight these days, since I've did The Island for him, and my next picture is at the SKG house. I wasn't stoked on The Transformers until I did some research on my cut of possible ancilary benefits, and there really is more than meets the eye. But Tom's a good guy, and I would never imply that he's gay and has lovers. Or that Katie Holmes is doing this because she thinks it will break her out of television, and she and her people haven't even come up with how she and Tom met story because everyone in town knows it's a big lie, and Tom Cruise's performance on Oprah was worse than the one he gave in Interview with a Vampire, which was surely not his coded way of saying to world "Look, I'm kinda gay!" I would never in a million years say that. What I will say is this: I fucked Katie Holmes. It was after The Gift, and as I was casting Bad Boys II. I told her I might give her the Peter Stormarre role (and she believed me!) Oh man, I fucked her so many different ways and her favorite was what I like to call the "Brownhammer," when I was plugging her brown eye while she was in an almost handstand. Just tore her shit up. And you know what? That girl has a taint soulpatch. It's the grossest thing I've ever seen. Of course I didn't see it until I fucked her a couple of times cause if I don't have to eat pussy I won't (and it's not that I won't ladies, it's that if a girl's getting fucked because she wants a part, then we both know what it is). After I saw that I was like... um, no. I mean, I can't imagine that it's easy to get that shit waxed, but you have to take care of your trim all the way around. We're almost fucking done with The Island, but the release date's coming, so maybe after that shit hits I'll finally be able to catch up on some movies. That would be nice. If I get to do that, you know what that means...
__________________
Losers always whine about their "best". Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. 
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#2
06-11-2005, 05:42 PM
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This shit is so tired.
__________________
"I hardly said a word to my wife before I agreed to a divorce."
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#3
06-11-2005, 05:46 PM
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I liked your review of the Island.
__________________
"Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs," I said. "We have a protractor." "Okay, I'll go home and see if I can scrounge up a ruler and a piece of string."
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#4
06-11-2005, 06:40 PM
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Excuse my ignorance but what is a soulpatch?
__________________
" Journalism and its failings can be linked to simplification and exaggeration. Both things Walt Disney advised his animators to do more of. "
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#5
06-11-2005, 10:57 PM
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It's a facial hard style, a little line of hair on your chin to your mouth.
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#6
06-12-2005, 02:12 AM
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#7
06-12-2005, 02:44 AM
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"And that is how Jason Voorhees learned about Yaoi." Gamertag: JohnnyChopsocky
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#8
06-12-2005, 05:48 AM
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In a weird way I would rest easier knowing that a man who nailed Katie Holmes was in charge of bringing Sideswipe to life on the big screen.
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#9
06-12-2005, 07:57 AM
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"I hardly said a word to my wife before I agreed to a divorce."
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#10
06-12-2005, 08:15 AM
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Everyone must calm themselves.
Michael is a valued member of this community and if he goes.... I don't even want to consider it. Things will spiral out of control around here without a doubt. It would be a dark day for chewers around the world. Fett realizes that give and take is crucial for civil discourse but that doesn't mean he wont get carried away and say somthing rash from time to time. I think we can all relate to that. I think Michael should let him slide.
__________________
I think Conan would obviously win because he knows what is good in life.
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#11
06-12-2005, 04:03 PM
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Oh Michael...we have missed you and your behind the scenes look at hollywood.
As far as fucking katie holmes...she is too weird looking and she is a surfboard, but hey Mike has to keep his hormones at Bay (zing!). Tom Cruise really could do exponentially better. Oh well, I guess he is more interested in building buzz by dating the chick in the batman movie that is going to be competing against his own movie coming out later in the month...or maybe its just a coincedence.
__________________
Stealingcable.tv Gamertag: Booty Baron "I did a lot of my own stunts in Commando, which I don't mind. I owe it to my fans because it's me they're coming to see. Maybe now, with computers, they can just add me in. But I don't think they have a big enough computer yet. What is it, a gigabyte? With these muscles, you're going to need a lot of those." - Arnold Schwarzenegger
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#12
06-12-2005, 04:17 PM
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This is only my second glance at the implacable sleaziness of Mr. Bay, I love it.
__________________
The only thing that will be remembered about my enemies after they're dead is the nasty things I've said about them. - Camille Paglia
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#14
06-12-2005, 07:22 PM
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#15
06-12-2005, 07:29 PM
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SKREEEEEEEEEEE!
__________________
I think we need more post-coital and less post-rock mah sketchblawg Last Update 1/23/10 Xbox Live : AgentHelix01
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#17
06-13-2005, 02:19 AM
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__________________
Leg push, coffee crash, charge, hit, spin, table clear, stairs - including whack, bam, oof, shit, clump, scrape, ow, duff, snap, wham, then door and alley.
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#19
06-13-2005, 06:39 AM
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Oh christ....
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#20
06-13-2005, 06:46 AM
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A free BAD BOYS DVD (barebones) to whoever takes on the persona of "The Ghost of Don Simpson."
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#21
06-13-2005, 07:01 AM
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DM's Jukebox. Click on the link and see what's playing right now.
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#22
06-13-2005, 09:15 AM
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My favourite sodomite hasn't quite worn out his welcome but he needs a bit of new material. Assfucking'll only get you so far in life, as my guidance counsellor once said.
__________________
MAURICE: That's Himey. Protege of mine. Ranked number 32 in the federal prison system. FOLEY: 32, huh? Outta what, 20? OUT OF SIGHT (1998, screenplay by Scott Frank) "Damn you, undersized ladies of the Jewish persuasion with an affinity for the theatre! You drive me wild" - The Onion Remorse Code: Come around to my way of thinking.
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#24
06-13-2005, 11:18 AM
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There is still some humor left in this stuff. Am I bit let down that this gets a bigger reaction than my hard on for Ray Liotta? Perhaps, but life isn't all just blow jobs and free Pepsi refills.
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#25
06-13-2005, 01:04 PM
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As far as I'm concerned, if you don't find this stuff funny, don't read or post in the thread. There are plenty of other humorless threads where you can kiss the moderators' asses or agree with everything that's posted on the main page. Personally, I think someone pretending to be a hack director and posting their insights on the industry is entertaining (all things in moderation, of course).
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#26
06-13-2005, 03:38 PM
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Not tired:
• Being funny. • Having 161 posts. • Using your dick. Tired: • 1000's of posts about star wars. • God issues. • 1000's of posts about not getting laid.
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#27
06-13-2005, 03:54 PM
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Screw you Bruckheimer for not casting Cary Elwes and Michael Rooker in GONE IN 60 SECONDS like you did Duvall. No wonder it sucked worse than DRIVEN.
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#29
06-13-2005, 04:18 PM
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I should have registered as Don Simpson. Then I'd be cool.
__________________
"Come on down to Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement." Gamertag: S Pilgrim Twitter: MattGoldberg
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#30
06-13-2005, 04:19 PM
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Dear lord is that not funny.
__________________
"I'm from the old school, I used to see men die for less - but I'm not livin' that way. I'll let my mic do the talking...and let the music play" - Joseph Conrad
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#31
06-13-2005, 04:31 PM
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No wonder Viggo and Gandolfini haven't worked with you since CRIMSON TIDE.
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#32
06-13-2005, 05:02 PM
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Bay's losing his touch. Maybe it's due to all of the hookers and blow? Quite possibly the STD's as well.
__________________
Some say the world will end in fire, Others say in ice. From what I’ve tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate, To stay that for destruction, Ice is also great and would suffice. -Robert Frost
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#33
06-13-2005, 05:02 PM
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Leave it to CHUD's own creepy/funny Michael Bay to stir the pot a bit.
I gotta agree with savannah and posit that whoever posts as MB on the MB probably wrote that anonymous Island review. The Michael Bay cockslobbery is too much of a coincidence.
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#34
06-13-2005, 05:18 PM
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Thanks, Mysterious Forces!
__________________
I think we need more post-coital and less post-rock mah sketchblawg Last Update 1/23/10 Xbox Live : AgentHelix01
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#35
06-13-2005, 05:23 PM
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I don't know, Helix. That comedy vacuum should have been preserved to teach future generations how unfunny gimmick posters can be.
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#36
06-13-2005, 05:27 PM
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You give far too much credit to the human race, gravedigger.
__________________
I think we need more post-coital and less post-rock mah sketchblawg Last Update 1/23/10 Xbox Live : AgentHelix01
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#37
06-13-2005, 05:37 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Leg push, coffee crash, charge, hit, spin, table clear, stairs - including whack, bam, oof, shit, clump, scrape, ow, duff, snap, wham, then door and alley.
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#39
06-13-2005, 06:50 PM
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Michael Bay is the greatest.
If this were the Model U.N., I would let him be Cuba. That way I could be North Korea. A corrupt nation with the same interests, but none of the heart. Yeah...that would work. But, Mr. Bay...you never answered my other questions. Did you ever bang Claire Forlani? I would've so been all over here during "The Rock". That is unless Sean Connery cockblocked you. But, if he did...even you have to let that shit slide. He was James Bond. Bond beats Bay, hands down.
__________________
Gamertag: AndersonVision PS3: AndersonVision Wii: Some long string of numbers
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#40
06-13-2005, 07:38 PM
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Played.
__________________
Sayonara.
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#41
06-13-2005, 08:02 PM
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__________________
"Come on down to Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement." Gamertag: S Pilgrim Twitter: MattGoldberg
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#42
06-13-2005, 09:38 PM
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#43
06-13-2005, 09:38 PM
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You're cute when you're incomprehensible.
__________________
I think we need more post-coital and less post-rock mah sketchblawg Last Update 1/23/10 Xbox Live : AgentHelix01
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#44
06-13-2005, 11:16 PM
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__________________
Leg push, coffee crash, charge, hit, spin, table clear, stairs - including whack, bam, oof, shit, clump, scrape, ow, duff, snap, wham, then door and alley.
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#45
06-13-2005, 11:26 PM
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__________________
A YEAR OF MONTY PYTHON AVATARS January -- Mr. Neutron | February -- The Pepperpots ---------- Some Damn Fool Idealistic Crusade
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#46
06-13-2005, 11:31 PM
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But "slashing your anus with a razor blade"? That's just...ouch.
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#47
06-13-2005, 11:39 PM
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#49
06-14-2005, 02:57 AM
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Dude, Sin Shitty, Fett is a good guy, why are you being such an ass? He's been around these parts for awhile and has done some good things for the site, no need for you to be a shithead.
__________________
My DVDs ----------------------------------------- My PSN stats ----------------------------------------- I'm not dumb! I'm smart! and I want respect!
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#50
06-14-2005, 03:11 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"I hardly said a word to my wife before I agreed to a divorce."
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