Bar Fight

[Alex Riviello]

Almost got into one tonight.

Almost slapped the shit out of some big guy because he was rubbing up on one of my good lady friends. He was rubbing his drink against her arm so I slapped it away and yelled that she didn't want him touching her. He left soon after.

I've never gotten in a good bar fight, though. I got thrown out of a bar once, but that's another story (and wasn't my fault, surprisingly)

Anyone got any good stories for this drunk bored guy?

[Jesse The Mind]

Well, this one didn't involve me personally, but it did involve a relative, namely my uncle: he once got his ass kicked in a bar fight by a guy in a wheelchair (this is by far my favorite family anecdote). You see, while he was getting nice and smushy at some bar, somewhere, this drunken, handicapped fellow, who was the 'belligerent' drunk type, and obscenely possesive of his girlfriend, decided my uncle was trying to put the make on his old lady; he called him out, they got into a scrap, and in the process my uncle lost his glasses (he's legally blind without them); this left him wide open to getting destroyed by the cripple. Ever since hearing the story I never fail to bring it up during conversations with him; hilarious.

[Jesse The Mind]

Well, this one didn't involve me personally, but it did involve a relative, namely my uncle: he once got his ass kicked in a bar fight by a guy in a wheelchair (this is by far my favorite family anecdote). You see, while he was getting nice and smushy at some bar, somewhere, this drunken, handicapped fellow, who was the 'belligerent' drunk type, and obscenely possesive of his girlfriend, decided my uncle was trying to put the make on his old lady; he called him out, they got into a scrap, and in the process my uncle lost his glasses (he's legally blind without them); this left him wide open to getting destroyed by the cripple. Ever since hearing the story I never fail to bring it up during conversations with him; hilarious.

[Death Surge]

I had a penchant for them in my mispent youth. As I spent most of my free time either drinking or training to fight from the age of 15, it wasn't that unusual for the two to cross paths. Being 5' 11" and 170 meant the average bar tough guy figured you'd back down or he could take you easily, never realizing you could mop the floor with him, and I tended to encourage that behavior. Much like Vin Diesel in "Knockaround Guys", you get it in your head that after a certain # of fights, you'll be a tough guy. Long before that number, you are one, but can't remember why you wanted to be that in the first place. It wasn't until I was spending the night in jail for the 3rd time while the police were debating charging me with felony assualt (again) that I decided it might be better to not take every opportunity to fight that came my way. I was 25 then, and have had only a couple of minor incidents occur since. As I've seen/been in many, here's a few helpful tips on Bar Fights:

1) Guys who start by smack talking are psyching themselves up to fight, and actually don't want to. You can defuse it by walking away. Continuing the verbal "Oh Yeah's" will invariable lead to someone swinging.

2) If you definitly want to fight, always hit first. Flat of the nose has one of the best effects, as it's the best combination of stunning/bloodying without serious dammage. Ends all fights with guys who don't want to fight immediatly.

3) If the guy looks like he can take you, Groin shots aren't just for girls. Hit here first.

4) If someone has a weapon, hit an open sideways palm to the thorax. You run a risk of seriously dammaging the guy, but people drop everything when they can't breathe.

5) Ok, you want to walk away. Just in case, that loud, semi-drunk guy is always the first who might swing. It's 90% of the time a wide outside right hook. 10% of the time, It's a wide left (as 10% of the population is left handed).

6) Most guys have no clue how to fight, and will swing wildly for 20-30 seconds. They will then be completly gassed, so dodge and cover, and they are basically yours.

7) There's a class of complete idiots who will rapidly take their shirt off first (cause it's muy macho) and then start swinging. Bust them as they are taking it off and you save yourself the 20-30 seconds dodging/covering.

8) Find yourself mouthing off to a guy who isn't saying a word back, but also doesn't seem that concerned? Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. The most dangerous guys in a bar don't smack talk. They just are debating putting you in the hospital or the morgue.

9) Women love the idea that you would fight to defend them, but actually hate it when you do it for real.

10) If you are not good at fighting, don't get into fights. Remember, Hospital food sucks.

[General Zod]

Remind me not to piss Death Surge off.

[Anthony Sollecito]

Bad Ass Post of the Year. Bravo.

[fabfunk]

Death Surge, quit the trend of recommending the crotch hit. Its so tacky and such an easy out- defeats the purpose of a bar fight. Though one would reccommend going for the lower body to get them on the floor and lose them in the ensuing scrum.

Alex, where were you last night? I got into a bar fight in Manhattan. It was a metal show, and I was chilling out afterwards with the band and a few girls, having drinks and cracking jokes. Everyone was being friendly and cool, then one of the band members decided they wre all going to his place for an afterparty. I was up for this until he flat out told me that only guys in the band and girls were allowed.

I called bullshit on this, because I was being so friendly and open with these guys, and I was really trying to home in on this one girl. It was very matter-of-fact- being that I was drunk, I asked if it was a race thing. He said black people were coming, and I said, "Well, Whitey, I'm Puerto Rican, and I think that's reason enough to fight." I reached my hand over to his girl, who had been dancing on the bar, and smacked her on the ass before diving for his legs and throwing him down. Someone tackled me afterwards, and I tossed around someone else until I realized that the bartenders were yelling for everyone to leave. Everyone else had started fighting too.

I dunno if it was cowardly, but I was too wasted to continue, and I wanted to go see "Feast" in Times Square, so I ran out of there.

[Patrick Ripoll]

The crotch hit is a tacky and easy-out but a completely unwarranted race card is fair game?

[The Nid Hog]

8) Find yourself mouthing off to a guy who isn't saying a word back, but also doesn't seem that concerned? Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. The most dangerous guys in a bar don't smack talk. They just are debating putting you in the hospital or the morgue.


Nice post, Surge. I think that your point #8 really puts it all together. There are lots of people in a bar, and at some point it dawns on you that there might be people in there, minding their own business, who can fight a whole lot better than you. And some of them can be very, very angry and just waiting for a chance to hurt somebody badly. When you're young and wild, that might even seem like a plus. But a lot of guys have things happen to them in fights that keep them from looking back on the past with much nostalgia.

People carry too. The quiet guy next to you might have a gun, a knife, an awl, or something sharp and nasty that you've never seen before. Or while you're fighting with the guy that said something to your girlfriend, somebody else is getting ready to crack you from behind. Remember that assholes have buddies too.

Barfights just don't turn out like they do in a John Wayne or a Steven Seagal movie. I think that if you're really into the idea of kicking somebody's ass, you're better off either going down to the local MMA school and putting it on the line there, or staying at home and watching a stack of Paul Vunak videos while you eat a pizza.

[devincf]

Death Surge, quit the trend of recommending the crotch hit. Its so tacky and such an easy out- defeats the purpose of a bar fight. Though one would reccommend going for the lower body to get them on the floor and lose them in the ensuing scrum.

Alex, where were you last night? I got into a bar fight in Manhattan. It was a metal show, and I was chilling out afterwards with the band and a few girls, having drinks and cracking jokes. Everyone was being friendly and cool, then one of the band members decided they wre all going to his place for an afterparty. I was up for this until he flat out told me that only guys in the band and girls were allowed.

I called bullshit on this, because I was being so friendly and open with these guys, and I was really trying to home in on this one girl. It was very matter-of-fact- being that I was drunk, I asked if it was a race thing. He said black people were coming, and I said, "Well, Whitey, I'm Puerto Rican, and I think that's reason enough to fight." I reached my hand over to his girl, who had been dancing on the bar, and smacked her on the ass before diving for his legs and throwing him down. Someone tackled me afterwards, and I tossed around someone else until I realized that the bartenders were yelling for everyone to leave. Everyone else had started fighting too.

I dunno if it was cowardly, but I was too wasted to continue, and I wanted to go see "Feast" in Times Square, so I ran out of there.

Does ANYBODY believe this?

[apd1983]

i believe the band didn't like fabfunk.

[Adam Warren]

Winner buys the beers!

[Zollicoffer]

I still love his History of Violence story.

[apd1983]

I still love his History of Violence story.

link?

[wadew1]

Does ANYBODY believe this?

I think everyone has executed a perfect ass-smack/action dive/throwdown combo during a wild barfight at least once.

[Subotai]

Some guys can mix it up pretty well. A lot of the time, though, it is just talk.

Girls, on the other hand...Watching girls go at it can be scary. They have long memories.

[Anthony Sollecito]

link?

Fabfunk pleases Mel Gibson (http://chud.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1551731&postcount=65)

[Slater]

Fabfunk, once you show everyone pictures of what a doughy, midget-faced little pussy you are in real life, you're not allowed to tell stories where you're Patrick Swayze. If anything, the band probably caught you sideways-fucking some chick's purse in the girl's restroom and beat you on general principles.

Death Surge is right about dudes who try to take their shirt off before swinging. I once saw this cocky punk strip off his shirt, only to get it caught around his head for just a second. As soon as he was blinded, five different dudes all punched him in the stomach at once, and he collapsed with the shirt still around his head. Good times.

[apd1983]

that was wonderful. cigarette burn, you just made my day.

[wadew1]

You fuck with him, and he'll SEAL YOUR FATE.

http://chud.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=2169&d=1155610250

[EchoBase]

Just when I thought Fabfunk couldnt get any funnier.

[General Zod]

You fuck with him, and he'll SEAL YOUR FATE.

http://chud.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=2169&d=1155610250


I don't find Groucho Marx that scary.

[Pop Zeus]

Good, practical words of advice, Surge. Of course there are exceptions, but they're good rules to go by. For example, I have a friend who has been known to get into many, brutal bar fights. Actually got fired from a bar for excessive bouncing. But he's the last to telegraph his next move before he's about to throw down, unless he gives fair warning. Of course, being the exception to the rule, his wife probably gets way turned on by him beating a guy's face into hamburger.

Oh, and I think fabfunk culled that story from his script for Roadhouse 3: Coyote Ugly 2.

[Alex Riviello]

Yeah sorry, but I'm calling bullshit on fabfunk's story too. Come on dude... you don't have to try and impress us.

Surge- you're a madman. Very good advice though. It is usually always the silent ones who are the most dangerous. I know that because I had friends like that back in the day. It's usually when someone starts talking shit that you know nothing's going to happen... unless they're pushed into it by their friends or by the other guy.

And as for a crotch hit defeating the purpose of a bar fight- how the hell does that work? Isn't the whole purpose to destroy the other guy? I've never seen a fair bar fight.... it's not like they're boxing or something.

I've been very lucky, because although I'm a happy drunk I do have a mean streak- and one big no-no in my book is fucking with my friends... especially my lady friends. I'm very protective of my girls. But I guess I'm menacing enough to never have to do much more than give a word of warning.

I get those crazy eyes.

[swedish miyagi]

You fuck with him, and he'll SEAL YOUR FATE.

http://chud.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=2169&d=1155610250


Very interesting, I had no idea Groucho Marx and Jerry Garcia were friends. Fabfunk's throwdown spectacular reminded me of a bar fight I was in where someone lightly brushed my arm and I said "hey pal, stop being racist against swedes" then I jumped up on the bar and jumped back off top rope style with a flying elbow. I let out a massive "ooooh yeah" and followed it up with a clothesline. Then coincidentally the dj started playing Eye of the Tiger and I got free drinks for the rest of the night.

[Chavez]

I think everyone has executed a perfect ass-smack/action dive/throwdown combo during a wild barfight at least once.
Geez, with all the drinking I do, you figure I'd be NEAR a bar fight at least once - the closest I ever came is pulling some scrawny drunk dude off a lesbian he sucker-punched.

[Jake]

...the closest I ever came is pulling some scrawny drunk dude off a lesbian he sucker-punched.

Goddamn, fabfunk gets around.

[Paul McCartney]

One time I got into a brawl in a maritime bar, and I pulled a mounted swordfish off the wall and used it as a weapon. After that I hilariously slugged a guy, and when he dropped his drink, I caught it with the other hand and drank it. And the stripper hilariously kept dancing through the whole thing, even with unconscious guys sprawled over her stage.

And when it was over, when the floor was strewn with the battered remains of what had once been hard-bitten wharf rats, I straightened my tie, strolled out of the place and called over my shoulder, to the cowering barman, "Put it on my tab."

[Alex Riviello]

That would have been a better story if it had been your wife's fake leg instead of the swordfish.

[Paul McCartney]

Well, one time she and I were exploring this sacred temple, and it was getting pretty dark, so I was all like, "Give me your leg," and I lit the end of it on fire to shine a path for us to follow. Then I wrestled an enormous spider called Arachnis.

[Ade Brooks]

That would have been a better story if it had been your wife's fake leg instead of the swordfish.

That's the closest I've come to spraying beer on the keyboard in years! Thank God I swallowed it before I read Macca's reply!

[Ron Vogel]

I just got assaulted and mugged this weekend. Definitely learned a lesson about walking in Harlem at 4 in the morning without the sufficient amount of pigmentation. Two guys bigger than me came out of the side of my vision, threw me against a car, then proceeded to beat the shit out of me while keeping me in a choke hold. Not sure whether it was the blows to the face or the choke hold that knocked me out, though probably the choke hold. Took everything I had in my pockets, including credit and debit cards, cell phone, 76 dollar subway card that was only 5 days old, my cigarettes, keys, and some gum. The scary thing is they didn't ask for that stuff, they just kicked the shit out of me without saying anything, so I thought they simply wanted to kill me while it was happening. Being pretty drunk after a friend's party didn't make it easy to get away, so they picked a pretty opportune moment to fuck me up. Luckily, I did wake up. I'll take an assault/mugging over murder any day. Sure does suck though. Nose is broken, throat and neck hurt like hell when I turn, speak, cough, swallow, or sneeze.

[AlmightyShmun]

Man, this was absolutely the wrong thread to read. As a teetotaler, this just gives me the impression you're a bunch of violent drunkards. I know it's not an accurate assessment, but damn, guys.

[Slater]

You should have smacked one of them on the ass, then tossed the other one around.

[Slater]

Schmun, go be my grandma somewhere else. Fucksake already.

[swedish miyagi]

Shmun's just being modest. One time I saw him in a bar and someone said something like "why aren't you drinking you pussy!" and Shmun said "that's it" and opened a can of what appeared to be beer but was actually whoopass as he got in the Daniel Larusso crane stance and kicked the guy in the nose. The bar applauded in amazement as Shmun then air guitared Welcome to the Jungle over his unconscious body.

[Ade Brooks]

I know this thread has been mainly light-hearted but damn, Ron. Glad you're still in one piece. That's the kind of crap that makes me want to beat the shit out of the fuckers. Annoys the fuck outta me that these assholes do something like that & there is no way to get back at them.

Like I said, glad you're in one piece. Sounds like that could've been a lot worse & after all, you can replace the stuff they stole. Hope the nose fixes OK.

[Ali]

Man, this was absolutely the wrong thread to read. As a teetotaler, this just gives me the impression you're a bunch of violent drunkards. I know it's not an accurate assessment, but damn, guys.
He has the most apt avatar ever.

[AlmightyShmun]

Schmun, go be my grandma somewhere else. Fucksake already.

Oh, please. This thread, while amusing, is rooted in lame, drunken machismo. "I kicked that guy's ass hard, man!" Christ. Didn't people outgrow this in high school?

[Pop Zeus]

Oh, please. This thread, while amusing, is rooted in lame, drunken machismo. "I kicked that guy's ass hard, man!" Christ. Didn't people outgrow this in high school?

Actually, this thread is more about how to live in a world that hasn't outgrown high school and not get your ass kicked too badly in the process.

[AlmightyShmun]

I'm truly a fool to maintain any sort of hope for humanity, eh?

[devincf]

It's hard to imagine how people in the real world stomach Shmun. He must hang out with the worst people in his town.

[AlmightyShmun]

Funny, I've always wondered that about you myself.

For the record, we prefer to just be ourselves. How can you call someone dull for not drinking when it seems to take booze to make you interesting?

[Ade Brooks]

Hope is always worth having. Even hoping you don't get your ass kicked.*


*This sentence provided to maintain the theme of this thread.

[Ade Brooks]

Devin & Shmun, can you guys like take this to a bar or something? This is a peaceful thread.

[devincf]

Shmun, this has nothing to do with you drinking or not drinking. I have friends who don't drink. This is about you being a boring twit.

[Ade Brooks]

I have friends who don't drink.

But can you trust them?

[AlmightyShmun]

So how interesting would you be if you stopped drinking? It brings about a question of what's actually entertaining about you: your personality, or your persona whilst inebriated?

[Slater]

In most decent bars, saying "whilst" is reason enough to get your ass kicked.

Stay lame, Schmun. You can't handle the real world.

[AlmightyShmun]

That's a sad fucking real world.

[Slater]

Yeah, yeah. Why don't you go whilst about it?

[Ade Brooks]

That's not a bad question. I'm not sure if people would notice too big a difference with me, apart from I'm definitely more talkative after a few beers. But then I've always been known as being a pretty quiet guy.

On the flipside of that, I do notice that when I've had a few I can listen to people (even the dullest ones) without appearing too bored. Unfortunately when I do get bored with them I have trouble hiding it.

[Ade Brooks]

Actually, I think if any of my old pals in England were to read my last post they'd probably call me a lying bastard! Apart from the quiet bit, that's fairly true.

[WayDen]

5) Ok, you want to walk away. Just in case, that loud, semi-drunk guy is always the first who might swing. It's 90% of the time a wide outside right hook. 10% of the time, It's a wide left (as 10% of the population is left handed).

6) Most guys have no clue how to fight, and will swing wildly for 20-30 seconds. They will then be completly gassed, so dodge and cover, and they are basically yours.

Unless the person is a boxer, almost everyone swings with a hook. Best thing to do is to step closer to the person (inside of the arc of the swing), lock up their arm they threw the punch with (probably can't swing for shit with the other arm), and then take it from there. It's the last thing they expect...

Almost slapped the shit out of some big guy because he was rubbing up on one of my good lady friends. He was rubbing his drink against her arm so I slapped it away and yelled that she didn't want him touching her. He left soon after.

I don't have a problem with guys hitting on girls I hang out with, but when it's obvious they're not interested, you'd think the guys would get a clue. Almost makes me feel bad for girls drinking free alcohol on ladies' night. Almost.

Sometimes if the guy is harmless, the girls get him to buy drinks for them and us guys. Word of advice: If a girl asks you to buy more than one drink, move on fellas - it's not going to happen....

[Ken Savage]

I once got into a fight on the way to the bar. Bunch of teenagers drunk on cider thought it was funny to harras my friends and I. Stupied stuff like kncoking off my mates glasses and some general shoving and kicking. When they turned their attention to me I took one look at the guy I thought was their leader and punched him square in the stomach, as he was reeling backwards I simply steered my two freinds away while they looked on in drunken shock.

I wont deny that, and every other time I have been in a fight I was scared shitless but, I guess as long as you don't show that you will be ok.

[Martin Savage]

Unless the person is a boxer, almost everyone swings with a hook. Best thing to do is to step closer to the person (inside of the arc of the swing), lock up their arm they threw the punch with (probably can't swing for shit with the other arm), and then take it from there. It's the last thing they expect...

Yup. When you get into the arc of swing, that's when elbows are handy. Massive damage in a few seconds. Beside, elbows are trendy right now with our friend Tony Jaa busting the Silver Screen with them.

And Death Surge nailed everything there is to say about a bar fight. I've been in two of them, saw a lot more and it's always ugly. There's nothing glorious about a bar fight, but if you know what to do, you usually avoid a lot of problems.

[fabfunk]

Didn't think my own story was impressive, flattering or all that crazy. But okay.

[Stormin]

Yeah, man, I'm inclined to believe you on that, it actually is something I'd be more embarrased of than anything, you came off as more of an ass than a badass.

[Ali]

You slap a woman's ass before rumbling with a band (all by your lonesome) who you just happened to be hanging out with after their show.

Come on.

[Patrick Ripoll]

I still haven't stopped laughing from the Hasidic Jew story.

[fabfunk]

I'm pretty certain I was cool with the other band members. It's just that one guy stood up to set up some bullshit rules.

Also, I'm not doughy.

[ontheroad2]

Maby he just had to remove something from his drink, hmm, like that would be any better, but what if your lady friend actually would have liked that guy? ;)

[JGButler]

But I guess I'm menacing enough to never have to do much more than give a word of warning.

I get those crazy eyes.

That's always been my out. I carry myself and if need be run my mouth like a badass and, as of yet, have never had to prove it. Truth is I've never been in a fight in my life (although my wife's ex boyfriend who was like 1/3 of my size did get a pair of whiskey-forged balls and decided to punch me in the face - didn't require a lot of effort to throw his little, drunk, clumsy ass out the door, so I don't consider that a "fight").

Although if I ever do end up in a bar fight, the fact that I don't drink should come in handy as my completely sober self will be able to at least defend myself against a drunken clutz, even if it's proven that no, I actually can not fight. I guess one day we shall see.

[Gabriel Williams]

I still haven't stopped laughing from the Hasidic Jew story.

Link?

[Pop Zeus]

Didn't think my own story was impressive, flattering or all that crazy. But okay.

You're absolutely right. The story is none of those things. But it is a string of movie cliches.

[Slater]

Hoo hoo!
...

[sweaterbydarwin]

My college roommates loved to rumble, even beat each other up on a few occasions. You were in the danger zone whenever you went out with them. The crazier of the two was a small irish catholic, who has that quiet way about him when it comes to fighting.

Only fight I've ever been in, save junior high squabbles, was with him. As it were, some guy was asked to leave his beer before leaving the bar by the bouncer and he proceeds to chunk it back into the bar and square into some girl's mug. My friend proceeds to walk outside and put it on this guy. He's giving this much bigger guy a pretty good beating in front of his 3-4 friends when the guy gets a death grip on his testes. After a good 15 or so seconds, the guy gets up and runs down the street with his friends. They're huddled up a good 50 yards or so from the bar and my buddy just walks right into the middle of them and starts after it again. His three friends jump in and now I'm obligated. The melee lasts for a good 30-45 seconds in the middle of the street before the cops pull up and we all take off. As we're running, we can see the beer can guy scuffling with the cops and getting arrested. Turns out the guy took a swing at the cops and got a pretty good beating from them as well. Also, my friend loses his DL during the fight and leaves it in the street. Apparently the cops found it and show up at our apartment at about 3 am but instead of arresting him, they give him back his license and take a statement from him. He's been extremely lucky that way.

Not too long ago, two college kids home from school got into a scuffle at a bar. One guy gets KO'd and falls back and hits his head on the curb and dies. Other kid gets manslaughter and several years in the PMITAP.

[fabfunk]

...


You bastard!

[teledork]

I played in bands for years. Only found myself witness to a few fights, but the ones I did see got WAY out of control and fast.

The only time I did anything other than stop playing and get off stage was when some idiot rushed the stage for some reason. It was a small club in Granite City, IL and the stage was only a foot or so above the dance floor. Now...I don't know why he's going for the stage, but we have multiple thousands of dollars of equipment on there. Plus, we had a chick singer that was a finalist in the Miss Illinois pageant. We weren't about to let him get close to either. So I stepped in front of him and lifted the telecaster I was playing and hit him with the body of it.

We then packed up and loaded out as the cops tried to clear up what happened. There was enough violence that night that some guy saying "The guitar player hit me, officer" probably just got a roll of the eyes.

I love my tele.

[General Zod]

This for Paul McCartney. Do you fuck the wife with or without her fake leg?

When you are feeling really kinky do you fuck her stump?

[devincf]

Zod's thrown a sack over comedy's head and is dragging it to a secret CIA prison for "alternative interrogation."

[Ade Brooks]

I played in bands for years. Only found myself witness to a few fights, but the ones I did see got WAY out of control and fast.

The only time I did anything other than stop playing and get off stage was when some idiot rushed the stage for some reason. It was a small club in Granite City, IL and the stage was only a foot or so above the dance floor. Now...I don't know why he's going for the stage, but we have multiple thousands of dollars of equipment on there. Plus, we had a chick singer that was a finalist in the Miss Illinois pageant. We weren't about to let him get close to either. So I stepped in front of him and lifted the telecaster I was playing and hit him with the body of it.

We then packed up and loaded out as the cops tried to clear up what happened. There was enough violence that night that some guy saying "The guitar player hit me, officer" probably just got a roll of the eyes.

I love my tele.

Yep, there's a lot to be said for a good old solid-body guitar!

[General Zod]

Zod's thrown a sack over comedy's head and is dragging it to a secret CIA prison for "alternative interrogation."

You are next, Lucy.

[Patrick Ripoll]

Link?
Now, an encore presentation of "Fabfunk pleases Mel Gibson" (http://chud.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1551731&postcount=65)

[Gabriel Williams]

Oops, I should have read the first link all the way through. Still, it's a classic that deserves an encore.

[EchoBase]

Anyone who says "What you do in a fight is X and you'll be fine" has never been in a fight and has seen Blade 2 too often.

[Martin Savage]

Or maybe that's somebody who's been in many fights.

[Overlord]

I supported myself through college and law school by bouncing. If there's one subject I'm tired of, it's bar fights. They all blend together after a while.

Death Surge had some good tactical advice, but was a little short on strategy. Here's the most important one: don't fight after you've been drinking! Unless you're also fighting a drunk, or are abnormally skilled, you will probably be embarassed by a halfway decent opponent. More strategic advice, have the advantage in numbers. Also, take up some mixed martial arts activities, and stay in shape, if you feel the urge to fight all the time.

The bit about the guy who doesn't look concerned, but also isn't saying much, is very true.

You'd rather it turn into a wrestling match then get hit with a straight right hand, so if you feel overmatched, shoot the legs.

Worst bar brawls I've ever been involved in, no contest, were two hip-hop band nights gone bad in Oakland, CA. They turned into twenty on twenty rumbles that spilled into the parking lot, left multiple people stabbed, beaten, and/or hospitalized, and that had us doing nothing but getting the employees onto the stage or behind the bars while we protect the bars and stage area.

My non-working brawl fights have been more anemic. A five on five brawl with some military guys on shore leave in S.F., knives pulled on me after a fraternity party, stuff like that.

[Chris Wood]

A five on five brawl with some military guys on shore leave in S.F., knives pulled on me after a fraternity party, stuff like that.

??? That's one wild fraternity.

[Patrick Ripoll]

??? That's one wild fraternity.
You haven't seen Dirty Work?

[Overlord]

??? That's one wild fraternity.

Punks trying to crash a party, headed them off at the door.

[Chris Wood]

Ah, I see. Sounds like West Side Story.


You haven't seen Dirty Work?

Norm MacDonald was in a knife fight?

[Overlord]

Ah, I see. Sounds like West Side Story.




Norm MacDonald was in a knife fight?

I'm missing some sort of joke here....

Not particularly west side story-ish. I slammed the door on one of their hands to make them drop the knife. I thought better of pursuing it outside.

[David Oliver]

I was in Kenya about 4 years ago visiting my wife's family for the first time and we hit a bar where some fat dude was obviously wasted. He kept coming over and trying to be chummy with me and generally annoying us. I was being cool about it, but then he started trying to talk to my wife and dancing like he wanted to freak her in front of me that shit was not going to fly. I leapt out of my chair and was ready to go at it until a couple of his buddies and my wife stopped me. I've never been in any kind of significant fight, but that's about as close as I've come, especially in a bar.

[chon]

I was beaten up once in a bar, years ago. Long, stupid story involving a girl.

For the most part, the threat is plenty. I'm a big fella (6'2 and a half, and pretty broad) so just standing up and towering over someone is usually plenty. Most of the time if someone's talking shite, I just turn my back or walk away. I'm sure people who want to fight would have plenty more practice than I, and I usually don't want to find out.

[kingcujoI]

Death Surge, unlike Fabfunk, is not completely full of shit. He is right on with a lot of the points he makes. Watch out for the quiet guys and the small guys. People always think bigger=the better fighter but that is rarely the case.

Keeping calm and using your head is usually the best way to handle these things. I don't care how strong someone is, you put an indent in their throat while they are bellowing you will probably be ok.


This all reminds me of one of my best friends. He is a semi-large guy always used to make a big deal about wanting to fight people. Would yell and talk smack. The closest he ever came was 10th grade when he screamed at some 8th graders. Whenever a dicey situation came up he would pull out the "Nah it ain't worth fighting", which usually left myself and my other best friend on our own.

[swedish miyagi]

There's always a douche like that milling around. That reminds me of a guy I was somehow friends with in high school who was always talking shit and acting like he was the world's toughest man, and his bs was so effective that he would get people who could easily kick his ass scared of him. He was actually a terrible fighter who was not exactly coordinated or ever under control, but only a few people ever figured that out. A disgusting memory really.

Another thing I find amusing, like cujo was saying size isn't the most important thing especially if you can't do anything with it. I love how a lot of fat people think because they weigh a lot that they're automatically a good fighter. It was amazing the number of fat people who would talk shit to me as if I was supposed to be worried about the fact that they were fat. These guys are almost guaranteed to be slow and have bad balance, so on a few occasions I would comically juke around in front of them and then shoot in high for a grade school trip style takedown, which is easy since their balance especially on one leg is terrible. Then when they're down, nobody has a harder time getting back up than fat guys. Occasionally a fat guy will have balance and skill but it's honestly a 1 in 100 chance. And they guys who do, like people said, will usually be pretty quiet and not really shit talkers anyway.

[Tim N.]

True story:

Back in '92 there was this motherfucker named Shane who insisted that he tagged me out before I had reached Base. I told him that I had reached base like a full 3 seconds before he tagged me, but he would not let the shit go. I pushed him and told him I wasn't going to be It because he didn't tag me, so he made a grab for my face. I grabbed his hair and started shaking his head, but he made a mean left scratch for my arm, which left a nasty scrape. I started throwing some nasty Hundred-Hand Slaps at his face, but some bitch bus driver pulled up and pulled us apart.

I love a good fight between men.

[kingcujoI]

I got this from Fabfunk regarding me saying he was full of shit...

The reputation of being a liar by telling wholly unremarkable stories should end here. I don't appreciate being told I'm dishonest.

Look slugger, you are full of shit. You're a try hard. You get ragged on because you destroyed your reputation early on by posting bullshit stories about beating people up at movie theaters and posting bullshit in the sex forum. We all know that if you actually got into a fight you would get your ass kicked. And we all know that you haven't had consensual sex without having to pay in ages. So please fuck off with your stupid rep. comments. In fact just fuck off in general. I'm done defending your creepy, greasy looking ass.

[fabfunk]

I got this from Fabfunk regarding me saying he was full of shit...



Look slugger, you are full of shit. You're a try hard. You get ragged on because you destroyed your reputation early on by posting bullshit stories about beating people up at movie theaters and posting bullshit in the sex forum. We all know that if you actually got into a fight you would get your ass kicked. And we all know that you haven't had consensual sex without having to pay in ages. So please fuck off with your stupid rep. comments. In fact just fuck off in general. I'm done defending your creepy, greasy looking ass.

Mr. Presumptuous, way to air out some dirty laundry on the boards.

The stupefying thing about this is that its all true, and yet it's really not that cool or awesome. I haven't bragged about anything, even if I do occasionally find myself in colorful situations. This bar fight thing? I dove at a guy's legs and then ran the fuck away- must be a total lie, right?

But the sex stuff- actually I'm being modest about that. But you wouldn't want to know.

Cujo, I have no ill will towards you, even if occasionally I don't appreciate the things you say. But if you really feel this way, the only options are being clever about it or 'beating me up' face to face, since I know nothing about defending myself. I'm disheartened you chose neither.

Please don't respond to this. Let the conversation return to bar fights.