Pieces of movies I've caught lately

[Kevin Matchstick]

Before bed, I sometimes flip through the movie channels and land on random flick or two before drifting off into sleep. Usually, Kill Bill vol 2 is on every other channel, but sometimes you hit gold. This thread will serve as a repository for these flicks.

10/10/05:

Monster Man (2003): Written and directed by Michael Davis - the guy who is directing the Don Murphy-produced, somewhat buzzed about Shoot 'Em Up. Just caught the very end, when the hero was being threatened by, I guess, the titular evil. Davis is a mainstay on the late night movie channels - his 100 Girls used to play all the time. Anyway, never ever heard of this one, but the shirtless early 20s hero made me think of Salva's Jeepers movies…and like I'm going to turn something like that off. Anyway, the Monster Man was somehow blinded (and had a stitched-up mouth?) but had a nose for blood so he could smell his way to the damaged hero. Oops - the hero used a gushing nosebleed to trick the monster into damaging himself. Then there was a monster TRUCK. The end? Lots of folks on the IMDB say this one's absurd fun. I wouldn't mind turning in earlier, I guess. Though - what I saw didn't amplify my buzz for Shoot 'Em Up.

Bound by Lies (2005): Stephen Baldwin? Check. Kristy Swanson? Check. Stephen Baldwin tying up Kristy Swanson and taking erotic photos of her. CHECK. And then he has to explain to his wife that it's just part of his job. At least that's the part I watched before sleep claimed me. No shit - this one is directed by Valerie Landsburg, who was in the Fame tv series. Google image search her name - you will recognize that face. It will haunt. Gal knows her way around Stephen Baldwin erotica, I will give her that. The IMDB voters aren't too high on this one. I guess Swanson doesn't get nude. If you ask me, that's a SwanSIN.

[moovyphreak]

You sir are fuckin' hilarious!

[Kevin Matchstick]

Long, sleepless night last night. Direct TV helped me through it.

10/12/05:

Local Boys (2002): Tagline to the film? Dream the Extreme. My personal tagline for the film? Mark Harmon is in This. Didn't watch much of this one...but, I'll be honest - I've seen some of it before. It's a movie about a dadless family, kids are surfers, and the mom starts dating a legendary surfer, played by Mark Harmon. I think. Anyway, notable for the scene in which Mark Harmon overreacts to a kid going a little too far into the deep waters. Realizing that he perhaps has indeed overreacted - maybe finally faced with the cold, hard reality that he is past his extreme days - he leaves mom and son on the beach. Head down, he walks away from them towards the surf. His surfboard tightly tucked under one arm, his hand clutching a...very large sombrero? Defeated by age and holding a Mexican hat? I can't think of a more acutely tragic image. Honestly, I don't see why he left. Sure, he was being overprotective. But he wasn't Harmon anyone, you know?

Toolbox Murders (2004): Tobe Hooper's remake of the 1978 flick of the same name - well, the first one had "The" before "Toolbox", but close. Movie about a couple who move into an old, historic apartment. Not in the rental agreement: there's a guy that lives inside the walls that kills residents with tools. Movie is unsettling and the kills are pretty (let me get out the thesaurus for this word choice) grody. Nailgun death. Drill death. Hammer death. Elevator death? I think the killer broke his "toolbox" death rule on that one. He'd probably tell you that he fixed a leaky toilet with the elevator before. "Oh, and this samurai sword? I used it to put up the track lighting." Angela Bettis, fresh from her really good turn in May, stars as acquaintance of the killed and runner arounder. Rance Howard also stars. And gets thrown at a wall and dies. Wall = not a tool. More fitting title: The Toolbox, Elevator, and Wall Murders. Anyway, kind of worth catching - if you are a slasher flick fan. Guy gets his spinal cord severed in the worst fashion. Uck. Oh, and there is a great shot of the killer climbing up these secret stairs in a really creepy way. Nice to see Hooper semi-return to form.

Saved the best for last.

Staying on Top (2002): Corporate erotica. Didn't see much. But I saw much, if you know what I'm saying. Poolside at night. Corporate girl. Corporate guy. Wine. Business talk. Over-large purple pillows? Well, those two put those oddly placed pillows to some use. But the director quickly cut away from the sex having to a sneaky guy, sneaking his way into a house. He pulls the old dirty corporate tactic of swapping out one CD (containing the presentation that needs to be delivered in the morning) with another, identical-looking CD (that does not contain a presentation at all!). Close-up: CD being ejected from computer. Sneaky guy's face: smirk. Kind of a long shot of the two CDs being swapped. Close-up: replacement CD entering computer. Close-up of director's skills: he sucks. According to the IMDB, the sneaky guy is played by softcore genre mainstay Danny Pape. I look forward to more Pape scenes in my dear TV-watchin’ future. And I look forward to making a Pape Smurf joke right now.

[Nick Nunziata]

Assfire, why don't you do this for the site instead of the boards?

[Dan Whitehead]

Seconded.

[Johan Brock]

I caught a little bit of Army of Darkness on the Sci-Fi Channel (if you can call it a channel). Probably the first time I saw a piece of a legendary trilogy.

Besides LotR, of course. ;)

[Kevin Matchstick]

A little behind. I'm a tiny bit mad because I caught a slice of softcore last night and can't find evidence that it exists anywhere. Can only remember a partial title. Was something like Exotic Hotel: Sensual Escape or some such shit. Some great stuff. If I can locate some facts about it, I will write it up. Please be very excited.

Until then...

10/13/05

Swindle (2002): Or, as IMDB has it listed, $windle (which is read, in case you're confused, as dollar sign windle.) OK, now imagine me climbing up a very tall building, finding my way to the roof, peering over the side...getting kind of nervous because of the height, and then announcing excitedly to the people below: Tom Sizemore stars.

And then I jump, of course.

Remember when Sizemore tried? Guy was in interesting fare, worked with some great directors. Mann's Heat. Stone's Natural Born Killers. Scorsese's Bringing Out the Dead. Kind of a reliable gruff. And then he went for the career-kill trifecta: Dated and GOT SERIOUS with Heidi Fleiss, starred in a seen-less-than-the-chick-from-Survivor’s sex tape, and, the ultimate worst, wore that weird wig in the Pete Rose' bio pic Hustle. And the problems with the law! I mean, jeez, the guy's been in and out of court more times than Pete Sampras. Ha ha ha (<---added laughs for you for that one).

In between the career highs and, well, his current career subspecies lies K.C. Boscombe's $windle - co-starring the lovely Sherilyn Fenn and Kid in the Hall Dave Foley. The two scenes I caught: Tom Sizemore in a bar, feeding costar Sherilyn Fenn just some gentlemanly lines. He doesn't trust men because they think with their penises/ she's charmed/ he makes dick jokes/ she giggles/ he gets a this this-is-going-good-look in his eyes... proceeds to talk more about "johnsons." Scene summary: Brutal to watch but impressive as a how-to for successful bar pick-up conversation. Next scene, a heist!! Sizmore gets mad because I guess one of the more loco members of the team killed an innocent during the heist happenings. Sizemore and the kill-hungry team member get into an argument. And one of the other members of the team has to step in to break it up...so they can get back to jacking the bank. Here's how I remember the conversation - I was a little sleepy at the time, but this is fairly close to verbatim.

Sizemore: I thought we agreed - no one was to be killed!
Kill-hungry: I am a loose cannon. It is my nature. I will not apologize to you or the rest of the criminals. However, this act will lead to you murdering me in the third act of $windle. This is an educated guess.
Mediator: What is this? A "Who has a bigger dick contest"? Guess what? I win.

I'll be honest. Guy did look like he was packing extremepenis.

[Werbal_Kint]

I may have to rent that.

[Johan Brock]

Just now, Day of the Dead.

Is Sci Fi connected with Universal?

[Keith F]

Just now, Day of the Dead.

Is Sci Fi connected with Universal?

Yep.

[Johan Brock]

So that explains all the junk.

[Richard Dickson]

Oh, they were making and showing junk long before Universal got a hold of them.

[Kevin Matchstick]

The movie channels are spitting out movies I've never heard of at a furious clip. Usually these movies star Stephen Baldwin. Which reminds me - you know what happens when Kojack triumphs, right?

Baldwin.

10/19/05

A Better Way to Die (2000): Check this cast - Braugher. Diamond Phillips. Pantoliano. Henstridge....Wiper?

Yep. This is a Scott Wiper action vehicle. Who is Scott Wiper, you wonder? Well, he's the writer/director of A Better Way to Die. What is a Better Way to Die, you wonder? A Scott Wiper vehicle. What is a Scott Wiper vehicle, you ask. Probably a Mercury Topaz. Anyway, this flick. I saw quite a bit, I must say. I'm a fan of Andre Braugher because of Homicide: Life on the Street. And when Joey Pants showed up as a hook-handed private eye, I just simply set the remote down. Basically, a case of mistaken identity movie. Everyone thinks Wiper, an ex-Chicago cop (named Boomer!) is actually someone else! They shoot at and around him. Then he makes out with Natashia Henstridge. It's a really silly flick, but it was somewhat entertaining to watch. Honestly, it didn't have enough Lou Diamond Phillips, for my liking. He's CIA in this. CIA meaning Career is Ass, of course. A quick search on IMDB reveals that Scott Wiper hasn't worked lately. I wonder if it's gotten so bad for him that he went back to his previous job...washing windshields.

[Werbal_Kint]

Sig'd!

[Kevin Matchstick]

11/1/05

Listen (1996): Tagline: Sometimes Murder Has A Familiar Ring To It.... Genre: SerialKillerEroticThriller. Starring: Brooke Langton. Langton's agent must have had a busy 1996. She got Brooke Melrose Place, a bit part in Swingers (as the girl that gives Favs her number and then regrets it when he famously destroys himself on her answering machine), and the LEAD in Listen - where she gets to slip this woman a little LangTongue:

http://www.megsplace.com/Autographs/sbuxton.jpg

But Brooke also has a boyfriend. You see, she can't decide between a man (who may be the killer) or a woman (who may be the killer.) Meanwhile, a phone sex serial killer (who may be the killer) keeps on killing prostitutes. It's like this - absolutely EVERY character is suspect...except our confused heroine. And like every great bi-detective (bitective?), Brooke has a confrontation/you-must-be-the-killer moment with a lot of people. Almost all end up dead (like the police shoot them or they kill themselves or another character shoots them.) Twist after twist after twist, man. M. Night ain't got nothing on this shit. Finally, it's the girlfriend - because she is the last one standing and smirks evilly in the final scenes. I fell asleep right before the end. Fuck you, sleep. Anyway, I give it a 9/10.

[Kevin Matchstick]

12/21/05

Thread: Back to life/ back to reality.

Xtro 3: Watch the Skies (1995): Xtro! Xtro! Read all about it. Or, read about the ten minutes or so that I caught. Thank you, Sci-fi channel, by the way. This was the brief companion to the Celebrity Poker Showdown rerun I was watching (featuring Chris Kattan). The Xtro franchise was always kind of gross. I recall an alien bursting out of a pregnant woman's stomach scarring me as a kiddo. Anyway, I didn't know they had made a third one. And I didn't know that they had cast ANDREW DIVOFF in it. Summary of the ten minutes: Army guy blows hole in weird concrete structure, crawls in, screams. His partner, a woman, falls, hurts her hand, sees a very still alien puppet, and flees in a jeep. Divoff bitchslaps x 2 a woman. Small group of army people enter weird concrete, encounter the alien puppet. Blowtorch flame appears behind alien puppet. And that's it. I saw no more because I drift Divoff to sleep.

Elektra (2005): Saw bits an pieces. Looked like it was well shot and had an extremely uninteresting storyline. I will say this, however: Elektra cute.

[Kevin Matchstick]

4/25/07

The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996): Tagline: Brian's about to discover the woman he loves isn't the woman he loves. Alternate tagline: Brian's about to discover he's Ben Chaplin. I guess I was just stunned that this movie somehow still exists is why kept this one streaming across the TV screen. How did this thing not evaporate in the was-that-really-a-movie-or-did-I-eat-pickles-before-bed-and-dream-that-up mist?

Janeane Garofalo, at the start of her short, short movie starring career here, plays Abby (as in "Dear") - the host of a popular pet advice radio show. Brian falls in love with her pet advice-dispensing voice. They hit it off over the phone. Then they hit themselves off over the phone during a PG-13 bout of phone sex. When it's time to meet face to face, Abby freaks! Turns out she is insecure about her appearance, so she substitutes pal Uma Thurman to play her face and body. CyraNO! As Ben is wooing Uma, Abby gets to be the not-as-pretty pal and can talk to Brian.

Actually, all this write up is leading to this (sorry):Since Uma isn't really returning his affections, a confused Brain has a nice afternoon with Abby. They walk across the beach in what must be the most awkward beachwalking ever captured on film. I guess Garofalo was trying to keep up with the famous Chaplin stride or something. She basically twitches across the sand. Lumbers. Garofalos across it. It looks like she's walking in two feet of mud in zero gravity, basically. And the director Michael Lehmann (who directed Heathers for Christ) isn't smart enough to play it for laughs. This is the saddest beach scene I've witnessed since Mark Harmon's infamous sandwalk in the surf opus Local Boys (see above).

[Joe LeFors]

Seeing that this feature is back is the highlight of my day so far.

Previous highlight: Noticing that overnight hard rain had washed the birdshit and pollen off of my car. It's now a Freeman-Slater vehicle.

[Patrick Ripoll]

I'd say the same, but I'm just about to watch Seven Samurai for the first time ever so I have a feeling it will be replaced rather quick. Hilarious though.

[Mattimus]

'Garafalos across it' had me laughing to no end. Fantastic thread.

[Evi]

That's freakin weird, I'm also about to watch Seven Samurai for the first time ever...

And cool thread.

[moovyphreak]

Oh. My. God.

Thanks for resurrecting this thread, LeFors.

I haven't laughed that enjoyably (albeit somewhat stifled, as I am at work) in a while.

And muchos gracias to Matchstick!

Please say you are still doing this, because this really needs to become a regular new CHUD article, as Nick regretfully stated almost about a year and a half ago.

[Joe LeFors]

Thanks, but I wouldn't dream of taking the credit away from The Mighty Matchstick -- it was he himself who resurrected the thread!

[Phil]

Best writing on the site. That's not on the site. But is. Or something. Keep it up!

[moovyphreak]

Ah, goofy me!

She "garofalos" across the beach had me crying.

[horrid]

Anyway, the Monster Man was somehow blinded (and had a stitched-up mouth?) but had a nose for blood....

I was hung up on this sentence for a good 30 seconds trying to figure out how monster man pumped sinus through his arteries.

[Marc Wrz]

This would be a cool feature on the site, Nick, Devin, c'mon guys, get on this. lol

[BrianM]

I saw no more because I drift Divoff to sleep.

Goddam there's gold in this thread. Think I'm developing a man-crush here. CyraNO!

[GungaDin]

I saw some of THE ROLLING STONES: COCKSUCKER BLUES. They screw groupies on an airplane while their friends watch, drink, and toke up.

[Patrick Ripoll]

I've seen that clip, classic trashiness.

[horrid]

I caught some of Dario Argento's Opera.
The main chick got tied up with needles under her eyes alot, and was forced to watch her friends get murdered. She would then by chance to bump into a cop, after she'd decided to just go on with her day and be like "by the way, did you hear about that murder I'm the only whitness too? kind of wacky huh?".

My favorite part was their cunning plan to identify the crazy serial killer, by unleashing a flock of homing crows on the audience of the opera they were performing. The plan worked, the killer was found by a sweet toothed crow who found him self some eye candy. Cyclopsed and enraged the killer sets himself on fire...or did he?