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View Full Version : Johnny and Mr. Happy, Prepare To Meet Thy Doom! (Lumiere Story, Your Opinions Please)


Rath/Brendan
08-20-2002, 02:50 AM
This is the first draft of a Lumiere story. It's not five hundred words, but it is rather short. I'd appreciate hearing your comments on this. I think I hit a really nice note with this character and would like to do more. Sort of like Anita Blake, vampire hunter, without all the sex and more attitude. Or a lighter version of Hellblazer.
I must admit that this was inspired by Dan's great story "The Calling", so thank you. It incorporates a number of other Lumiere stories. You'll see.

Just Another Day At The Office
By Brendan L. Heldenfels

Friday. 2:35 AM. I just lit a cigarette in the darkness when the phone rang. Damn. And I was hoping to sneak out the back an hour before I usually closed. Guess not.

I answered the phone.”Virgil Kane’s office.”

The rough voice came over the line. “Kane. It’s Pat Garret. I’ve got a squatter.”

“Give me five minutes.”

I locked my office from the back door and walked around front. McGinty’s was only a few blocks away. With my doctor on me about losing some weight, I figured the walk would do me good. Smell that night air-Lumiere air.

I got to McGinty’s Pub in four minutes. Patrick stood in the doorframe, waiting.

“She came in about midnight, sat down, and ordered a club soda.”

“Club soda?” I said.

“That’s right.” Pat said. “Wrote it down on a napkin and everything. She hasn’t left. I figured you could handle it.”

I glanced over his shoulder. A young woman sat at the end of the bar. Half a club soda lay on the surface in front of her. She wore one of those hooded sweatshirts, the cowl obscuring her face. It said “LCC” on the front.

“Lumiere Community College,” I said.

“No shit,” Garret said. “Must be a boyfriend’s. She’s awfuly young.”

“Could be she’s smart as a whip. Why don’t you let the professionals do the investigating, eh, man?”

“You gonna get her out of here? I don’t mind when they come in but I don’t want them crowding out my real customers.”

“One little girl isn’t going to cause that much pain.”

I walked into the empty bar. The smell of dried beer and peanuts hung in the air. The girl didn’t even look up. Pat was right about the awfuly young part. I figured twenty, twenty five tops.

Getting closer, I saw a pair of great legs covered with cuts and bruises. Looked like someone had been in a fight fairly recently. A boyfriend? Probally not.

“Sweetheart,” I said. “Somebody hit you?”

She nodded.

“Boyfriend?”

A shake of her head.

“Who was it?”

She shrugged.

“Are you going to say something?”

Her hands, covered in small cuts, reached up to pull back her hood. I’ve seen a lot of nasty things in my time as a P.I., but this was one of the worst. It looked like someone had fired a cannon point-blank into the girl’s face. We’re talking total pepperoni pizza. Hence the reason for not talking. Two sad blue eyes stared out at me from the gooey mess.

I didn’t blink. “I see. Are you aware you’re dead?”

She pulled the hood over her head and nodded. Smart girl.

“Do you want to leave?”

A shake of the head. Too young to be a mortal sinner (they were so rare these days), I figured she had been an athiest or something. Maybe she just liked Lumiere. But I doubt it.

“All right,” I said. “I can help you. My name’s Virgil, I do work for you-your kind. Paranormal investigations, only I investigate for the paranormal, not into it.”

She nodded, indicating she followed.

“It just so happens that my secretary Irma decided it was time to find her fate. Her two weeks notice ended today. Do you have office skills?”

She nodded.

“Great,” I said. “You’re hired.” I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out a buisness card. “Thing is, you’re kind of messy. Don’t worry, we can fix that.” I slid the card across the bar. She picked it up and glanced at it.

“Go ‘round to the back. Tell Grimmy you want the works.” Lumiere’s undertaker sort of owed me and I sort of owed him. We had a good relationship. I kept him in contact with Esther and he did post-mortem makeovers.

She nodded a final time, got up, and left. I heard her heels tapping up the sidewalk.

Garret looked at me from behind the bar. “What is it with you and dead chicks?”

“I don’t know,” I said. "Never was much attracted to them."

Two days later, she showed up around three in the afternoon. I was at my desk when I heard the door chimes ring.

I looked up, realized Grimnail was a genius. The only trace that she had been shot was a thin scar running diagonally along her face. It only accentuated her fine features, barely standing out against her pale skin. He had outfitted her with a flowing black wig that she wore curled down around her shoulders, and a smart grey buisness suit.

Like I told Garret, I don't care for dead girls, but this one was a babe.

She smiled. “My name is Dorothy Connors. I believe we’ll be working together.”

Coyote
08-20-2002, 10:23 AM
hey, Blake was a good catholic girl for 6 or 7 books wink

Coyote
08-20-2002, 10:28 AM
It's good. I like it.
And I swear, when you eventually meet Robero in one of my Paparazzi stories (it's going to be a side project on CHUDStories, more on that later), who's an undead Watson to the lead's Holmes, he was written before I read this wink

Rath/Brendan
08-20-2002, 11:03 AM
And for the next little Kane adventure, he's either going to tackle these weirdo plants that are eating little kids or investigate Dorothy's murder further, I don't know...probally going to be the plants.

Michael Rabattino
08-20-2002, 11:06 AM
That was really good, i'd love to read more.

Coyote
08-20-2002, 11:45 AM
FEED me, Seymore....

Rath/Brendan
08-20-2002, 12:23 PM
The Stainless Steel Coyote:
FEED me, Seymore....No, silly, I'm talking about the killer plants from "The Last Patch of Ground" and "Grass."

Capt. Eucalyptus
08-20-2002, 12:33 PM
Good stuff man. I love the PI thing.

Coyote
08-20-2002, 12:47 PM
Those are just the lower level mosters. AudreyII is the boss of this level.

Rath/Brendan
08-20-2002, 01:12 PM
The first section of the next Virgil Kane adventure...

Tribal Fires
From The Files of Virgil Kane, Lumiere’s Paranormal Investigator
By Brendan L. Heldenfels

Tuesday. 1:24 PM. The dead take lunch breaks. This was one of many things I didn’t know before starting in this buisness, but now I can count eating lunch with two ghouls, a vampire, and more ghosts than you can shake a femur at among my many experiences. If you’ve never seen someone who’s “passed on” chomp into a steak and cheese sandwitch, you’re in for quite a show. The non-living smoking cigarettes is another interesting amusement, which is probally why my secretary Dorothy was taking so long. Now that she was dead, she said, she didn’t have to worry about cancer killing her. I agreed.

My name’s Virgil Kane. I see dead people.

The door chimes sounded and I looked up from the pornography on my computer screen. Dorothy brought back a couple of kids. They couldn’t have been more than eight each, and were mussed up. One of them wore a kerchief around his neck.

I frowned. We weren’t a babysitting service.

“We’re not a babysitting service,” I said.

“They’re not babies,” Dorothy said. “I was eating lunch in the park and the ground-well, burped them up.”

I raised an eybrow. “Burped?”

“Yeah. When I went to look, I found these.” She brought out a plastic bag with Kennedy’s written on the side.

“Groceries? You brought two squirts back with groceries?”

Dorothy dumped the contents of the bag out onto my desk. They were bones. Human bones. It was becoming clear. I looked at the little boys.

“Boys?” I said. “You want me to find who killed you.”

The one without the kerchief spoke. “The ground ate us,” he said. “It ate us and no one would help.”

“Sounds interesting. Where are your parents?”

The kerchiefed one hid his face in Dorothy’s skirt. I looked at her.

“What’s his problem?” I said.

Dorothy sighed. “He was killed in his front lawn. That’s why he doesn’t speak. The grass cut his throat.”

Now, I’ve seen some pretty weird things in Lumiere, but this was the first time I’d heard of boy-eating grass. I looked at the one who talked.

“You-What’s your name?” I asked.

“Jimmy. Jim. And that’s Billy.” he said.

“Is it Jimmy or Jim, Jimmy Jim?”

“Jim.”

“All right. Jim. Here’s the deal. How much money do the two of you have?”

Billy reached down into his jeans and brought out a crumpled dollar, a quarter, two dimes and a nickel. He placed them on my desk next to the Cthulu paperweight Dorothy gave me for Christmas last year.

“I’ve got twenty cents,” Jim said. “But there’s twenty dollars in my piggy bank at home. If I can get it.”

“If I you can get it.” I sighed. “Fine. You pay me a buck seventy now. That means I agree to find out about this plant that ate you. Tomorrow I want you to go home and get your piggybank. Don’t worry about locked doors. Once we take care of this Audrey wannabe, you pay me ten dollars. Agreed?”

Jim nodded.

“Dorothy,” I said. “Fix our clients up with something to drink. I think there’s some Dr. Pepper and a few donuts in the fridge.”

She led the boys out into the waiting area. I went in the back hall, knocked on the library door.

The door swung open. It was dark inside except for the glow of a ghostly light. Orville.

“Or,” I said. “How many times do I have to tell you, don’t waste your alchemical luminescence.”

“Sorry,” said the deep voice. “One moment.”

He switched on a light. I stepped in, closed the door. Orville Patton sat at the end of the long center table. Piles of books surrounded the large African-American ghost.

“Fortean phenomnena?” I asked.

“Boy geniuses,” he said, closing the volume. “What’s up?”

“Killer plants. Apparently something masquerading as grass has been eating little kids. I need you to look into it.”

“Sure,” said Orville. “What were you thinking?”

“I’m not sure exactly. Perhaps Tobin’s Spirit Guide cross-indexed with the Necrocomicon?”

“That’s what I was going suggest. Only thing is...”

“Yeah, I know. You don’t need to remind me what happened to the last live wire who was around when they opened the Necro .”

“I don’t suppose you want to spend the rest of your life with a chainsaw for a hand,” Orville said.

I shook my head, closed the door, went back into the office.

“Kids!” I said. “Who’s up for a movie?”

We took in the latest Drew McWeeny flick.

TO BE CONCLUDED....

Coyote
08-20-2002, 01:35 PM
You are going to actually submit these, right? :)

Rath/Brendan
08-20-2002, 01:42 PM
The Stainless Steel Coyote:
You are going to actually submit these, right? :) I sent the first one to Claudia this morning at two, when I wrote it. But I'm just having so much fun with it, I want to share. And since the response for the first one was so good, I figured, fhat the wuck, let's put up another one.

Coyote
08-20-2002, 01:50 PM
One side note, just so you know...the 500 word limit was only for the first batch. You can expand on those if you want.

Rath/Brendan
08-20-2002, 01:53 PM
The Stainless Steel Coyote:
One side note, just so you know...the 500 word limit was only for the first batch. You can expand on those if you want.Oh, I know. I sent Claudia one a month ago about anti-Semitism that was well over 500. And the first Virgil Kane story is 700, so don't worry. I just think these make for fun, short little adventures.

Blofeld
08-20-2002, 02:33 PM
I'll step in here and be an ass. I think posting the stories here dilutes the purpose of the whole CHUDSTORIES site.

Dan Whitehead
08-20-2002, 02:44 PM
Blofeld 28.06.42.12:
I'll step in here and be an ass. I think posting the stories here dilutes the purpose of the whole CHUDSTORIES site.True. Sort of like watching a Kazaa bootleg before going to the cinema...

Unbreathless
08-21-2002, 01:20 AM
Am I to assume that the girl from the first story is Johnny's victim from my first story?

If so, then I have to go with my secondary story idea to match continuity. I was going to use her in the 2nd edition as something totally different than what she appeared to be in the first story actually, but no worries... I didn't really like the way she was developing in mine. :)

Looks like Claudia's gonna get her 3rd revision of C.A. Pt. 2 tomorrow...

-----
On the topic of the story, good on ya man. I like. Since my other request for a crossover was denied i'll take this oportunity to meekly ask if this guy will desire and encounter with a nemisis? or are there bigger plans in mind for him as well?

Gotta love Evil dead referances.