Preface to a story I am writing

[Keeper of the Grove]

When Rome fell it took hundreds of years of technology and social science and flushed it through its aqueducts. It was a great backwards step for mankind. But would it have been a greater tragedy if Rome had not fallen?
The corruption in the highest tiers of their government caused the subsequent implosion. Can you imagine an emperor so insane, but yet so in need of approval that he commanded his troops to attack reeds and tall grass when know one would fight his legions, just so that he can say, “I concord the Britons.” They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. Well, we have learned that Rome didn’t fall in a day either, but we did.
The date is Jan. 5, 2014. I have finally found some paper. My intention is to write about the things that have come to pass; the things that have happened leading up to, during and after the solstice. It is not a happy time. I fear the dark ages are upon us again. I hope these words fall in to kind hands. I would hate to think that civilization ended with us.
-------------------------------------------------
Do you like it?

[Keeper of the Grove]

That bad Huh?

[WickerMan]

Keeper of the Grove:
When Rome fell it took hundreds of years of technology and social science and flushed it through its aqueducts. It was a great backwards step for mankind. But would it have been a greater tragedy if Rome had not fallen?
The corruption in the highest tiers of their government caused the subsequent implosion. Can you imagine an emperor so insane, but yet so in need of approval that he commanded his troops to attack reeds and tall grass when know one would fight his legions, just so that he can say, “I concord the Britons.” They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. Well, we have learned that Rome didn’t fall in a day either, but we did.
The date is Jan. 5, 2014. I have finally found some paper. My intention is to write about the things that have come to pass; the things that have happened leading up to, during and after the solstice. It is not a happy time. I fear the dark ages are upon us again. I hope these words fall in to kind hands. I would hate to think that civilization ended with us.
-------------------------------------------------
Do you like it?Hey there keeper,

Well, im kinda confused.
Not sure where ur heading with it?
At first it sounded like u were gonna do a story on this mad Emperor and what happened because Rome DIDN'T fall.
Then u say that Rome didnt fall in a day but we did, who are u refering to as 'we'?
Also u forward to 2014 and finally find some paper.
Is this because paper is now a rare commodity or that u have just got round to writing?
And as the writer character why would it matter if what u write falls into the 'wrong' hands instead of the kind ones?

The things is i just dont know 'what' ur story is going to be about.
If u said , say
'When the great empire of Rome fell no-one thought it could happen again.....They were wrong'

I know this sounds like a tag line, and ud b right, but atleast it gives the viewer an idea about what the story is about. Then all u need to do is aloborate on it and give small paragraphs of details.

Please dont take any of this to mean its a crap idea, i am merely giving u my honest opinion. :)

[Keeper of the Grove]

Isn't wondering what the story is going to be part of the hook?

[Dan Whitehead]

It sounds very similar to an "End Of Civilisation" idea I've been toying with for a few months. In concept, at least. That's why I'm keeping my gob shut wink

[WickerMan]

Keeper of the Grove:
Isn't wondering what the story is going to be part of the hook?No, knowing the idea ur basing ur story on but not knowing what turns its going to take is the hook.

If u lose ur audience because they dont know what its about u will lose them.

If we know its about what would happen if Rome hadnt fallen then we have an idea to base any other ideas we have around.
Then if u suddenly present us with the facts that we're not looking at ancient rome but a rome in 2014 then u have changed the direction and given it a diff hook.

So what is it about?

[WickerMan]

Dan Whitehead's Six Demon Bag:
It sounds very similar to an "End Of Civilisation" idea I've been toying with for a few months. In concept, at least. That's why I'm keeping my gob shut wink Not a bad idea mate.
Ive found on several occasions that if u give out ur ideas to early on, well, they might well get borrowed.

[Dan Whitehead]

No, no! I'm not suggesting anybody here would "borrow" the idea - just that it looks like there's enough similarities in concept that I should keep quiet so as not to spoil Keeper's story. They'll probably turn out completely different, but you have to take care of stories at this embryonic phase.

[WickerMan]

Dan Whitehead's Six Demon Bag:
it looks like there's enough similarities in concept that I should keep quiet so as not to spoil Keeper's story. They'll probably turn out completely different, but you have to take care of stories at this embryonic phase.Oh right. Im wiv ya :)
Know wot u mean though, im working on a thriller and im nearly done with it, quite chuffed with myself right then i go over to have a quick check on Dark Horizons and low and behold theres a thriller coming out with Ashley Judd in it thats sounds just like mine.
But before i poked it into the shredder i thought id wait 'til i got more info on it to see if mine had enough of a diff angle and twist to make it worth pursuing.

Id be interested in a butchers at ur story though, well if u do that sort of thing.

[Dan Whitehead]

TheWickerMan:
Id be interested in a butchers at ur story though, well if u do that sort of thing.It's still in my head at the moment. :D

[WickerMan]

Dan Whitehead's Six Demon Bag:
TheWickerMan:
Id be interested in a butchers at ur story though, well if u do that sort of thing.It's still in my head at the moment. :D Ooh i cant do that, ur a better man than me.
If i have a good idea, no matter how little of it i have i MUST write it down.
I tell ya ive got a brain like a sieve. :D

[Capt. Eucalyptus]

I likes it Keepah!! I see (at least I think I do) where your'e going. I disagree with TWM> You don't have to "know where a story's going" to be hooked. At least I don't. That's like saying you have to read the back cover blurb on a paperback before you buy it. I try not to.

[WickerMan]

capteucalyptus (Scott Roche):
I likes it Keepah!! I see (at least I think I do) where your'e going. I disagree with TWM> You don't have to "know where a story's going" to be hooked. At least I don't. That's like saying you have to read the back cover blurb on a paperback before you buy it. I try not to.I think the point has been missed here.
If an audience doesnt know what its about how can they know that they want to see/read it?

From what keeper has written there is fantastic potential.
As for not reading the 'blurb' well, the 'blurb' is what any agent/producer wants to see because they want to know what pidgeon hole they can put it in as they need to know how they can market it.
The 'blurb' is vitally important especially if it is from a new author or an author that the customer hasnt read before. If u dont read the blurb on the back of a book its probably because u already know the author and like their work and thats fine but if u dont know them ur highly unlikey to just buy the book blindy.
Ther will always be something that will make u buy it, be it the blurb or even the cover art but it will always give u an idea about what the story is about.

If they dont know whether its a sc-fi story or a history piece they cant market it and therefore they cant sell it, which ultimately means they wont commision u for it.
The information given has lots of promise all i was saying was that it was unclear as to which subject matter we were dealing with.

Hey im not preaching here im tryig to help u.
Ive been in this business long enough, i was merely trying to help a fellow chewer.

[Capt. Eucalyptus]

Well, when he completes it then he as well as his agent will know how it needs to be marketed. Didn't mean to imply that you were trying to be anything other than helpful. Your advice (you being in da business) is probably a lot more well grounded and meaningful than mine. I just liked what I read so far. And I often read books from the library that are missing the dust jacket. All I know is author, title and genre.

[WickerMan]

capteucalyptus (Scott Roche):
Well, when he completes it then he as well as his agent will know how it needs to be marketed. Didn't mean to imply that you were trying to be anything other than helpful. Your advice (you being in da business) is probably a lot more well grounded and meaningful than mine. I just liked what I read so far. And I often read books from the library that are missing the dust jacket. All I know is author, title and genre.I understand about when he completes it they will know how to market it but to get a commision u need to provide a treatment similar to the outlay 'keeper' gave here.
Its a tough game, I was just trying to help him.

No i no u werent implying anything. :)

But u hit my point, if u know the author and/or the genre then u have some idea what the story is about.
All i was trying to say was that i couldnt tell what genre it fit into. Once u know this u can sit back and enjoy the ride.

[Capt. Eucalyptus]

Cool!

[Capt. Eucalyptus]

Wicker-

Since Lumiere is in a holding pattern, would you read the story I submitted. I am dying for feedback out here!!

[WickerMan]

capteucalyptus (Scott Roche):
Wicker-

Since Lumiere is in a holding pattern, would you read the story I submitted. I am dying for feedback out here!!Yeah id be glad to. :) U can post it on here or just send it to me via PM, whichever u prefer.

And i know, its incredibly frustrating.
I came thru here via the Creature Corner and the main man there Johnny Butane is a top bloke, i was kinda hoping he might have been able to kick something off.
Still u never know, my fingers are crossed.

[Capt. Eucalyptus]

PM'd it to ya!!

[WickerMan]

capteucalyptus (Scott Roche):
PM'd it to ya!!And i PMed ya back.. :)

But for the record, top story, nice and creepy.

[Capt. Eucalyptus]

I PM'd you the New and Improved. Let me know what you think. And I wouldn't mind reading something of yours. Tit for tat!!

[WickerMan]

capteucalyptus (Scott Roche):
I PM'd you the New and Improved. Let me know what you think. And I wouldn't mind reading something of yours. Tit for tat!!Cool, i'll go check now.
And yeah sounds good to me.
I tend to write novels so i'll send u scenes instead, otherwise it will take forever to post. :D

[Keeper of the Grove]

I am going to put the preface through a bit of a revision proccess, I'll post it again.

Oh, and to mister Dan Whitehead. I appreciate your lack of influence. But if I find out that you're reading my mind again, we are through, you understand? wink

[WickerMan]

Keeper of the Grove:
I am going to put the preface through a bit of a revision proccess, I'll post it again.

Oh, and to mister Dan Whitehead. I appreciate your lack of influence. But if I find out that you're reading my mind again, we are through, you understand? wink Nice one.
This is a great idea, me and capteucalyptus have mailed a story each and had some good exchanges that have ironed out any creases.

I look forward to seeing the revised edit. :)

[Keeper of the Grove]

When Rome fell it took hundreds of years of technology and social science and flushed it through its aqueducts. It was a great backwards step for mankind. I took centuries for civilization to come even remotely close to the to being as organized as the Romans. But would it have been a greater tragedy if Rome had not fallen? As we have learned, the atrocities committed by The Empire of Rome were just as great as their technological achievements. Native Americans may say the same thing about us.

The corruption in the highest tiers of the Roman government caused the subsequent implosion. Can you imagine an emperor so insane, but yet so in need of approval that he commanded his troops to attack reeds and tall grass when no one would fight his legions? All so he can say, “I concord The Britons.”
Can you imagine president so insane, and so in need of acceptance that he would give a hostile foreign nation access to military secrets in order to get money for his reelection campaign? He betrayed his country so that he could be in charge of it. The more insane act about this was that we let him get away with it.
They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. Well, we have learned that Rome didn’t fall in a day either. The thought of a whole civilization collapsing in one day was ludicrous, until it happened to us.
The date is Jan. 5, 2014. I have finally found some paper. My intention is to write about the things that have come to pass; the things that have happened leading up to, during, and after the solstice. It is not a happy time. I fear the dark ages are upon us again. I hope these words fall in to kind hands. I would hate to think that civilization ended with us.

[WickerMan]

Keeper of the Grove:
When Rome fell it took hundreds of years of technology and social science and flushed it through its aqueducts. It was a great backwards step for mankind. I took centuries for civilization to come even remotely close to the to being as organized as the Romans. But would it have been a greater tragedy if Rome had not fallen? As we have learned, the atrocities committed by The Empire of Rome were just as great as their technological achievements. Native Americans may say the same thing about us.

The corruption in the highest tiers of the Roman government caused the subsequent implosion. Can you imagine an emperor so insane, but yet so in need of approval that he commanded his troops to attack reeds and tall grass when no one would fight his legions? All so he can say, “I concord The Britons.”
Can you imagine president so insane, and so in need of acceptance that he would give a hostile foreign nation access to military secrets in order to get money for his reelection campaign? He betrayed his country so that he could be in charge of it. The more insane act about this was that we let him get away with it.
They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. Well, we have learned that Rome didn’t fall in a day either. The thought of a whole civilization collapsing in one day was ludicrous, until it happened to us.
The date is Jan. 5, 2014. I have finally found some paper. My intention is to write about the things that have come to pass; the things that have happened leading up to, during, and after the solstice. It is not a happy time. I fear the dark ages are upon us again. I hope these words fall in to kind hands. I would hate to think that civilization ended with us.Hey Keeper,
I love the addition of more info on a President who literally sold his soul to the enemy to keep his job, this could be an excellant conspiracy thriller type story, i dunno say, where a young intern who was shredding some documents stumbled across some damning evidence or something.
Just an idea.

Ive got a couple questions.
What is the relevance of 'finally finding some paper'? I take it is because the world has collapsed and it would be in short supply.
Even if this is right im not sure how this affects the story.
Does this make him a lazy character because he couldnt be bothered to look for some paper or does it make him lucky because he has managed to find some? im not sure either way that it matters.
This is mainly because straight after that u then tell us what ur going to do
'My intention is to write about the things that have come to pass; the things that have happened leading up to, during, and after the solstice.'

Its just that this sentence makes it sound like ur going to make a documentary.
Also i like the intial picture of Rome falling but if this is about how our modern civilization fell apart then u dont really need to mention the insane emporer.

Its slightly confusing as it almost seems like the preface to 2 different stories.

In the first part it could be a story about how Rome didnt fall or it could be about the atrocities they committed.
U paint an excelant picture, especially of Rome collapsing and the madness of an emporer but then u take it all away. All im trying to say is that if this is a story about the colapse of the modern world u dont need all the stuff about the mad emporer or even the line about the Native Americans.
Because in the second part u go on to say ur going to write about the before during and after about the modern collapse.

You dont need to tell the reader everything from the off but u need to give them an idea to base there thoughts on.
You have a lot of very good posibilities in here but it is unclear as to which way ur heading.
Is it about the fall of modern society or the fall of a president or a combination of both, or is it about the way we have abused our powers on the planet or on the people?
Is it a drama a post-apocalyptic horror or a documentary?

I honestly think that if u commited urself to one in particular u could have an excellant story on ur hands.

U know how to create a picture and ur use of descriptive words is very good.

These are all just my opinions, im only trying to give u some advice thats all.
:)

[Keeper of the Grove]

TheWickerMan:
What is the relevance of 'finally finding some paper'? I take it is because the world has collapsed and it would be in short supply.
Even if this is right im not sure how this affects the story.
Does this make him a lazy character because he couldnt be bothered to look for some paper or does it make him lucky because he has managed to find some? That my friend, is the Hook. I guess you're going to want to read my story to find out what the deal is with him not having any paper huh?

I thank you for the advice. The whole point of this preface is just to put you in to the mind set in order to buy in to the story. This plot has very little to do with the President. I just give you that info so that you'll "get" some of the other things in the story.

BTW... I was alluding to Bill Clinton. A shit load of money for his campaign came from China. Relations with China seemed to get better, until Slick Willy had to save his own ass because of the Monica knob jobs, and cigar stuffing. He had to make himself look better - "Hey Look. We found a Chinese spy 'stealing' Military secrets." Don't you remember?

[WickerMan]

Keeper of the Grove:
That my friend, is the Hook. I guess you're going to want to read my story to find out what the deal is with him not having any paper huh?

I thank you for the advice. The whole point of this preface is just to put you in to the mind set in order to buy in to the story. This plot has very little to do with the President. I just give you that info so that you'll "get" some of the other things in the story.

BTW... I was alluding to Bill Clinton. A shit load of money for his campaign came from China. Relations with China seemed to get better, until Slick Willy had to save his own ass because of the Monica knob jobs, and cigar stuffing. He had to make himself look better - "Hey Look. We found a Chinese spy 'stealing' Military secrets." Don't you remember?[/QB]Thats cool, if the finding out why he found it hard to find paper is the hook, i'll go with that. :)
So when do we get to see the next installment??

yeah we did get that whole Bill episode but dont recall seeing that much coverage on the China part.

[Keeper of the Grove]

That’s because if he didn't want you to figure it out. That would ruin his chances to save face.

Some people say my paranoid delusions will either make me rich or get me killed.

Actually no one says that, I just thought it sounded cool to say.

[WickerMan]

Keeper of the Grove:
Some people say my paranoid delusions will either make me rich or get me killed.

Actually no one says that, I just thought it sounded cool to say.Well that sounds like a pretty cool line of dialogue to me.

So, when do we get to see the next part then, stop teasing :)

[Keeper of the Grove]

I was thinking about posting or emailing the first chapter to who (or is in whom? - please answer that always confuses me) ever wants to read it. I am not finished with it, but the first 6 pages seem pretty good to me. It is a first person narrative, much the same as the preface.

It is mostly about the day before the solstice and the day of the solstice (before anything happens). I plan to explore a little pre-solstice social commentary intermixed with Jason's (main character) personal story. I think you'll see a bit of each in the first chapter. For now I guess maybe this will do.

Look in next post.

[Keeper of the Grove]

I remember waking up on Dec. 20, 2012. It was a Thursday. I was sorely in need of doing my Christmas shopping. I had played with my band the night before at a local bowling ally. Waking up isn’t always easy when you’re on the tail end of a bender. I was hoping that the other members of the band were not angry with me. I don’t really remember a whole lot after I fell off the stage, except pinching some chick’s nipple rings through her shirt. I hoped they were my girlfriends.

When she came in to the bedroom she didn’t look mad. When she took off her towel I noticed that she was indeed wearing the nipple rings that had gotten for her on her 30th birthday. She still didn’t look thirty to me, especially naked. I breathed a sigh of relief, and tried to get out of bed, but she wouldn’t let me. The lump on my head was throbbing and my mouth tasted like our cat had taken a shit in it, so I was reluctant to kiss her. When I told her that, she understood it as, “O.K. I’ll turn around and straddle you.” There is just something about a woman who can turn you on during the worst hang over ever.

While we were shopping that day I couldn’t help noticing that she had a certain confidence about her. She seemed to walk a little taller, and people all around noticed. Men, women especially teenaged guys couldn’t keep their eyes off her. With her long wavy red hair, flat stomach, and long legs she usually got looked at anyway. I hadn’t figured out what it was about that day, but she was really working it.

I was still under the weather, and it seemed like every coffee stand was an oasis after a long trot out of the desert. While in the desert we came upon a Jewelry store. She stopped and started looking at the engagement rings. This had happened many times in the past, but it hadn't happened in a couple months because I told her that I wasn’t ready to get married. So, still a little grouchy from the hang over, I went up to her and said with a sarcastic tone, “you see anything you like?”

She turned around with her lips pouty, and asked, “Are we still in a bad mood?” like she was speaking to a little baby. Then, her face turned in to a huge smile and her tone changed to that of glee, “That one right there, it is sized for me and everything.”

She had never been that forward before, and in a rather surprised voice with a little of annoyance in it, I said, “Yaa, what ever.”

She then gave me a love tap, wrapped her arm around mine and said, “You make me so happy.” I was expecting to get walloped. I guess it didn’t come out right because what ever it was that I had just said, made her the happiest person in the world.

The rest of the Christmas shopping was uneventful (except that she looked intensely at the bridal shop every time we passed it). My dad was getting an up to date sport coat, shirt and tie. My aunt Judy was getting a power drill. My younger sisters were getting gift certificates to Abercrombie and Fitch. My younger brother was getting a new Ice Bong from the glass blowers. And finally my older brother was getting a card that said he doesn’t have to pay me for the bail money I posted for him.

After shopping, I still had the hang over. I told my girlfriend that I had to go back to the bar to get rid of it. Much to my surprise the answer was, “O.K. honey,” accompanied with a pleasant grin. Something was wrong. I went anyway, but I couldn’t help looking over my shoulder on the way out of the apartment. Nothing but smiles from her – weird.

My favorite bartender was there; T.K. He was an India Indian. He didn’t talk with an accent and he hated ABBA. As far as I was concerned that made him a God.

“Hello, my drunk bass playing friend.” He said with a grind so wide it made him look like a caricature of himself.

“Oh… don’t go there man. You kept feeding them to me.” I said while shaking my head.

He had a Bloody Mary – hold the Tabasco – made for me before I could sit down. It is what I always had after a night of Jagermeister shots, or after a night of any kind of shots for that matter. It is the best hang over helper in the world.

“Ancient Indian recipe,” he said, like he always did, when he put it down.

“What the fuck happened last night Kay?” I asked right after the ice chill of the drink started to make the head ache fade.

Sensing that it was an honest question, and not one intended to get a laugh he said, “If you don’t remember and you’re still alive, you must be one lucky sonofabitch,” he took a second to set the glass he was cleaning down next to the other clean ones, and then he continued, “Dude, you’re getting Married.”

I felt bad for making him change his shirt. The Bloody Marry I spit on him didn’t go well with the white shirt decor he was trying to accomplish that day. But, he must have been a boy scout when he was younger, because he had a clean one in the back room.

[Keeper of the Grove]

Keeper of the Grove:
That bad Huh?

[WickerMan]

Sorry mate been a bit busy lately. :)

Anyway onto ur story.
I like ur narrative very easy going and makes u feel like ur listening to a 'real' person which can be hard to do.

"I was still under the weather, and it seemed like every coffee stand was an oasis after a long trot out of the desert"
I love this line, its exactly how u feel when u rhung over and ur going shopping with the missus even when u dont want to.

“That one right there, it is sized for me and everything.”
Just a minor point but how would she know its the right size? from what i have read he is only looking at them through the window and they arent displayed with size tags. Im not being picky its just that up til then everything that was happening felt 'real'.

Also, u say uve just made her 'the happiest person in the world' then just stop and move on to 'the rest of the shopping'.
What happened?, did she just stop being happy and carry on shopping or did she try and get u excited as pretty much any woman who wants to get married will do, if she is the happiest woman in the world we need to have some idea of what happened next.

I like the reference to A&F again this keeps it in the 'real' world.

I understand that u might not remember that u had proposed or whatever but again as u have said that u mentioned u werent ready to get married but then it all changes in one night yet while ur out shopping u make snide comments about it.
This just doesnt ring true, it doesnt matter how happy u have made her she would pick these comments up, in fact a woman is even more sensitive to comments than before, especially as u were so negative before about not being ready.
If u were the slightest bit negative about the ring she would be on u like a shot.
The fact is that pretty much any woman who wants to get married and is then asked to, will fone pretty much anyone alive who she knows to tell literally the instant after u have asked her, so with u being negative in any way she's gonna pick up on it.

U have a good way with words and ur descriptions at times are excellant, i especially like the smiling bartender and the spare shirt, great stuff, would be nice to see more of it.

This is really well written and u have me 'hooked' enought to want to see where this is going. But the 'so happy she thinks ur comments are nice' attitude of the girlfriend just doesnt feel real.
But, as always, this is just my opinion.
:)

[Capt. Eucalyptus]

Some great details. My comments mostly echo Wicker's. Her picking out the ring struck a false note with me too but I guess she could have had the ring picked out for a while. If that's the case then have her say something to that effect.

[Keeper of the Grove]

Something about the ring size didn't set right with me when I wrote it. I couldn't put my finger on it before. I'll think about away to change that and make it more fitting. I think I just wrote that 'cause she needed more dialog and I couldn't think of anything else for her to say.

Sometime the Ideas in my head are very temporary. If I don't write them down in a story they go away. I try to get to the meat and potatos first and then flesh it out.

Again, thank you both for your input.

[WickerMan]

Keeper of the Grove:
Something about the ring size didn't set right with me when I wrote it. I couldn't put my finger on it before. I'll think about away to change that and make it more fitting. I think I just wrote that 'cause she needed more dialog and I couldn't think of anything else for her to say.

Sometime the Ideas in my head are very temporary. If I don't write them down in a story they go away. I try to get to the meat and potatos first and then flesh it out.

Again, thank you both for your input.I know what u mean, if i dont write something down, no matter how small it is, im likely to forget it.
Also i like the way its from his POV so u dont have to laden her with dialogue to 'flesh her out'.
This is the only part of the story that doesnt 'feel' right. The rest, in my opinion, is pretty much spot on.

And your more than welcome, always willing to help out a fellow chewer. :)

[Capt. Eucalyptus]

Keeper of the Grove:
Something about the ring size didn't set right with me when I wrote it. I couldn't put my finger on it before.Heh. Couldn't put your finger on it. Heh. wink

You are most welcome sir!!

[Keeper of the Grove]

I have been thinking about my Preface. I wanted it short and punchy, and I think that I got carried away with it. I am shortening it to the last paragraph. I think that will suit my purposes just fine.

For now here is the rest of the story as it is written down:

The date is Jan. 5, 2014. I have finally found some paper. My intention is to write about the things that have come to pass; the things that have happened leading up to, during and after the solstice. It is not a happy time. I fear the dark ages are upon us again. I hope these words fall in to kind hands. I would hate to think that civilization ended with us.

[Keeper of the Grove]

I remember waking up on Dec. 20, 2012. It was a Thursday. I was sorely in need of doing my Christmas shopping. I had played with my band the night before at a local bowling ally. Waking up isn’t always easy when you’re on the tail end of a bender. I was hoping that the other members of the band were not angry with me. I don’t really remember a whole lot after I fell off the stage, except pinching some chick’s nipple rings through her shirt. I hoped they were my girlfriends.
When she came in to the bedroom she didn’t look mad. When she took off her towel I noticed that she was indeed wearing the nipple rings that had gotten for her on her 30th birthday. She still didn’t look thirty to me, especially naked. I breathed a sigh of relief, and tried to get out of bed, but she wouldn’t let me. The lump on my head was throbbing and my mouth tasted like our cat had taken a shit in it, so I was reluctant to kiss her. When I told her that, she understood it as, “O.K. I’ll turn around and straddle you.” There is just something about a woman who can turn you on during the worst hang over of your life.
While we were shopping that day I couldn’t help noticing that she had a certain confidence about her. She seemed to walk a little taller, and people all around noticed. Men, women especially teenaged guys couldn’t keep their eyes off her. With her long wavy red hair, flat stomach, and long legs she usually got looked at anyway. I hadn’t figured out what it was about that day, but she was really working it.
I was still under the weather, and it seemed like every coffee stand was an oasis after a long trot out of the desert. While in the desert we came upon a jewelry store. She stopped and started looking at the engagement rings. This had happened many times in the past, but it hadn't happened in a couple months because I told her that I wasn’t ready to get married. So, still a little grouchy from the hang over, I went up to her and said with a sarcastic tone, “You see anything you like?”
She turned around with her lips pouty, and asked, “Are we still in a bad mood?” like she was speaking to a little baby. Then, her face turned in to a huge smile and her tone changed to that of glee, “That one right there, a full karat and it comes with a wedding band.”
She had never been that forward before. I sighed with annoyance and said, “Here we go.”
She then gave me a love tap, wrapped her arm around mine and said, “You make me so happy.” I was expecting to get walloped. I guess it didn’t come out right.
The rest of the Christmas shopping was uneventful (except that she looked intensely at the bridal shop every time we passed it). My dad was getting an up to date sport coat, shirt and tie. My aunt Judy was getting a power drill. My younger sisters were getting gift certificates to Abercrombie and Fitch. My younger brother was getting a new Ice Bong from the glass blowers. And finally my older brother was getting a card that said he doesn’t have to pay me for the bail money I posted for him.
After shopping, I still had the hang over. I told my girlfriend that I had to go back to the bar to get rid of it. I never would have expected her to go for that line of Bullshit, but much to my surprise the answer was, “O.K. honey,” accompanied with a pleasant grin. Something was wrong. I went anyway, but I couldn’t help looking over my shoulder on the way out of the apartment. Nothing but smiles from her – weird.
My favorite bartender was there; T.K. He was an India Indian. He didn’t talk with an accent and he hated ABBA. As far as I was concerned that made him a God.
“Hello, my drunk bass playing friend.” He said with a grind so wide it made him look like a caricature of himself.
“Oh… don’t go there man. You kept feeding them to me asshole.” I said while shaking my head.
He had a Bloody Mary – hold the Tabasco – made for me before I could sit down. It is what I always had after a night of Jagermeister shots, or after a night of any kind of shots for that matter. It is the best hang over helper money can buy.
“Ancient Indian recipe,” he said, like he always did, when he put it down.
“What the fuck happened last night Kay?” I asked right after the ice chill of the drink started to make the head ache fade.
Sensing that it was an honest question, and not one intended to get a laugh he said, “If you don’t remember and you’re still alive, you must be one lucky sonofabitch,” he took a second to set the glass he was cleaning down next to the other clean ones, and then he continued, “Dude, you’re getting Married.”
I felt bad for making him change his shirt. The Bloody Marry I spit on him didn’t go well with the white shirt decor he was trying to accomplish that day. But, he must have been a boy scout when he was younger, because he had a clean one in the back room.
After a lot of swearing in his native tongue and mixing me a new Bloody Mary he told me the story of the night before. I guess I had sung the song Angel Eyes, by the Jeff Healy Band as a dedication to Jocelyn. I then pulled a cigar out of Old Man Eddy’s shirt pocket, pulled the ring off of the base of it and proposed to her in front of everybody. After she said yes, I tried to climb back on the stage and fell backwards only to smack my head on a chair. She knew that I was out of it because I didn’t speak - I just played with her nipples through her shirt and chewed my tongue. Dr. Hirokotchi said I would snap out of it and that I didn’t have a concussion, but he was a little tipsy himself.
I had been thinking about marriage seriously ever since I told her I wasn’t ready. It is funny how that happens. Everybody thought I was crazy for not wanting to marry her sooner. I guess it just all came out - alcohol can do that. It was a surprise to everyone that was there, and it is even more of a surprise to me now.
The shock wore off after another three adult V-8s, and I left there happy with my decision to go get that ring. Three months salary is the guideline for engagement rings. I was getting off pretty cheep with only two months salary. Why can’t the chicks get something for us guys when they get engaged? I was going to get a new Harley, but that was out of the question after this pretty penny.
On the way back from the mall, the Police stopped me. Yes, I was over the legal limit, and yes I got arrested. The dick-head cop that busted me was none other than, Bart Simpson. I felt bad for him because of his name, but that’s where it stopped. He was Jocelyn’s Ex. and the asshole line backer from high school.
When I got to the station, I was strip searched; not S.O.P for a D.U.I. He found the engagement ring and had to leave someone else to finish up the search. But before he left, he made sure to make fun of my shriveled member. I had no insecurities about my manhood so it didn’t bother me for any other reason besides the fact that my girl friend was once stupid enough to be married to that thug.
As it turns out, Bart’s field tester was wrong. My Blood alcohol level was only at 0.08. But guess what… that is still enough of level to prosecute if the arresting cop thinks you were intoxicated. Even though he knows I wasn’t - he was going to anyway. Bye Bye license for three months.
I called my whole family, one at a time, but only my older brother was home. He came and bailed me out. And I couldn’t help thinking how much I hate to re-shop for Christmas presents. That card about his bail wouldn’t cut it anymore.
What do you do after you just got arrested for D.U.I? Well if you’re me you go back to the bar. This time the drinks were on my brother. He had some money left over from selling his arsenal and was actually going to pay me back until I called him. He was pretty cool that way. When he had money he was generous, and when he didn’t, he couldn’t understand why people weren’t as generous back.
He had to get rid of his guns, because he was arrested for domestic violence. My father bought them. Which was, at the time, a good deal because if my father were to die, he would get the guns back, and he still could shoot them whenever he wanted to. Plus, if that domestic violence thing got cleared up, he can slowly buy them back from dad.
The authorities were starting to figure out that most of the domestic violence calls/arrests were a result of a woman beating on a man, until she gets slapped, or shoved. Then, of course she fears for her life and subsequently calls the cops. Why were they arresting the guys if they were just defending themselves? Pamphlets educating men on what to do if a woman touches them in a violent manner started showing up in places guys hung out – bars – hockey games – strip clubs –cigar stores, you get the picture.
One very popular pamphlet stated that if you were to get hit, you are supposed to walk out of the house (unless you think the children may be in danger), and go to the nearest Pay phone and dial 9-1-1.
My brother did just that, but when he walked out of the house, the door he slammed behind him caught his wife right over the foot. It locked her foot in place and because the door had so much momentum, it broke her nose and knocked her out. When she fell backwards with her foot still under the door it tore all sorts of stuff in the ankle joint. When the cops showed up at his house after he called them, they found her and picked him up at his telephone booth. My brother knew nothing of what happened until one of the cops told him. That’s when I got his phone call.
My older brother is only older than me by thirteen days. It is one of the freak fraternal twin births where one of the babies wants out earlier than the other one. Despite the fact that we are fraternal twins, we look almost exactly alike. He gained a little more weight than I had; married life I guess.
We have always been close, and most of the time we were on the same wavelength. Before my mother died she told me that my brother and I used to speak to each other in our own version of baby talk. She only remembered one of our words, “profdsss.” When she said it rang a bell. I used to say that whenever I was mad, my brother did too.
My mother, what a trooper. When I was 15, she said that she was going to play basketball with her grandchildren. She was pregnant at the time. She was going to have another set of twins – at 45 years old.
Giving birth to the twins gave her a stroke. The Doc said it was the most amazing thing he has ever seen. She shouldn’t have been aware of what was happening. The whole left hand side of her body was limp, but she pushed out the last twin, before the rest of her body gave out. A fucking stroke shouldn’t have killed my mother. How can a blood clot stop the unstoppable?
My father felt the same way. He had a hard time accepting the blow, and curled up into a bottle for the next two months, while our aunt Judy, who had never been married but loved kids, took the babies.
My brother and I couldn’t stand seeing our father like that, so we emptied all the alcohol bottles in the house, and stole his keys. He even tried to hot-wire his car once, but we didn’t worry about that, he couldn’t think strait because he was detoxing. It was nice having our own car for a while and we didn’t feel the need to check in with Dad, because we were taking care of him. We decided that if he gets better we’re moving out – freedom was nice.
One morning, he woke up a new man. He called work to take some more vacation and then went over to pick up his daughters. Judy decided to move in with my father, and the only objection was from Scott, our younger brother. But that was only because he wasn’t the baby anymore. He was won over in fierce one battle war - one cheeseburger bomb and an Ice cream cone missile from Judy was all it took to break the seemingly impenetrable defenses of my younger brother.
Judy was great. We all suspected her a lesbian, but we never saw her with anyone – male or female, so the suspicion was unfounded. She did wear her hair in a mullet though. It wasn’t very attractive, but I couldn’t imagine her any other way. She ended-up quitting her job as a short-hall truck driver so that could take care of the girls. She also did all of the home improvements and housework. She didn’t have to, but she felt she needed to pay her way. The girls had grown in to their teen years and didn’t spend too much time at home. She didn’t have all that much to do to keep her busy except the house – hence the power drill for Christmas.
Back at the bar my brother had been giving me shit. You see, my brother – Herman – got the short end of the stick on the name department and he had never gotten over it. My parents were going to name me George, but when I was born thirteen days after Herman on a Friday, they couldn’t resist – Jason. I was named after a movie slasher, from the famous Friday the Thirteenth franchise. He was named after Herman Munster. I never heard the end of it from him.
He was getting kind of drunk, and he started to talk about his wife. I never liked that bitch. Nancy had gotten pregnant because she went off the pill and didn’t tell him. She should have been a rodeo star because she can rope just about anyone in to anything. My brother realized this afterwards, but he wasn’t going to be a dead beat Dad, and she knew it – Bitch.
I knew it was time to go home when I heard, “Profdsss!” come out of his mouth. I called a cab this time, and he came home with me. My couch was the most comfortable thing on the planet when you are drunk. That’s why I put him on the futon. The couch is always mine. Besides, I didn’t want to wake up Jocelyn.
My brother doesn’t like to wake-up even when he hasn’t been drinking, can you imagine what it must be like to get him up with a hangover? During monumental task of waking him I noticed that he had been so drunk that he pissed him self. This made my decision on how to wake him very easy. I could save him some embarrassment at the same time that I piss him off. Sounded like fun to me. I liked having brothers to fuck with.
Herm didn’t think that an entire five gallons was necessary to wake him. By the look on his face he didn’t think it was as funny as I did either. He should have known what was coming; I did drag him into the bathtub.
Five gallons did seem a bit on the extreme after looking at the mess I made. Good thing Jocelyn was a bad little catholic girl; she had gotten up early to go to confessional. I still had an hour or so to get this cleaned up.
The sea food restaurant down stairs was amused to no end with my request for five gallons of used lobster cooking water – and they were all to happy to give it to me. I was actually surprised they had it at ten in the morning. I remember pondering whether I’d eat there again after finding out that they did.