Hastur
09-20-2002, 08:48 AM
Credited to: Andrew Winter
I often wonder if I’m obsessive. You know, I think to much sometimes, and I wonder if that is a bad thing. I suppose even wondering if I think too much is a clue to this, huh? Obsessing over being obsessive.
I’m not obsessive in the way most people think of the word; a perfectionist and such. I obsess over possibilities. I can’t make a decision without seeing every possible outcome 10 years hence. I hate it. And when I do make a decision, I always wonder what could have been. Where could I have gone instead of where I am now? Most people just follow their gut, and don't think about all the choices they make from day to day. The problem with my gut is that it has shit for brains. So I sit around and make as few decisions as I can, in hopes that THIS is the right decision.
You should have seen her tonight. She was beautiful in every way. I can't stand it; I wish she could see what she does to me. It’s like her presence is twisting a fucking knife in me. The ache in my chest is unbearable sometimes. This is from my aforementioned obsessiveness I’d say.
I obsess over what we could be. Our possible path together. I see me completely happy with her, and she doesn’t see me as anymore than a friend. It kills me to think that this is within my grasp, and yet on the other side of the world.
Now, I have actually tried to be with her. I’ve asked her out on many occasions, each one sincere and totally honest. She’d laugh them off as me playing around, or if she did believe me, didn’t want to, because she doesn’t see me that way.
Compounded on this, is her recent comments about me to mutual friends. She says, I’m a great guy, nice, good looking, and dependable. This fucking pisses me off, and I’m rather mad at her for this. I’m everything she wants, but yet she doesn’t WANT me. I hate it, and I hate her for this tease.
Tonight I saw her with another guy, but I don’t know if they are going out. It would be nice to know actually, since if she was I could just go on with my life. I can totally deal with someone I want not being with me because they already have someone else. I’ve never thought of myself as a perfect match for anyone really, so another guy wouldn’t really bother me. But what happened when I left is what was the worst.
She kissed me on the cheek. Now, my ex-girlfriend kisses me on the cheek all the time, but this, this is different. That’s a sign of affection, which means that I have a place in her social setup. But the place is where I am now, as a friend. I can’t leave this place now, can’t advance to another level.
You see, once you’re in the system you can’t get out without cutting yourself off from the person. And if you do that, that defeats the purpose of the exercise, now doesn’t it? I’ve gone as far as I can, and if I give up now, and come back later, I’ll just fall into the spot I am in now.
This sucks.
There you go. Our next offering. What would you suggest, if you were the editor?
I often wonder if I’m obsessive. You know, I think to much sometimes, and I wonder if that is a bad thing. I suppose even wondering if I think too much is a clue to this, huh? Obsessing over being obsessive.
I’m not obsessive in the way most people think of the word; a perfectionist and such. I obsess over possibilities. I can’t make a decision without seeing every possible outcome 10 years hence. I hate it. And when I do make a decision, I always wonder what could have been. Where could I have gone instead of where I am now? Most people just follow their gut, and don't think about all the choices they make from day to day. The problem with my gut is that it has shit for brains. So I sit around and make as few decisions as I can, in hopes that THIS is the right decision.
You should have seen her tonight. She was beautiful in every way. I can't stand it; I wish she could see what she does to me. It’s like her presence is twisting a fucking knife in me. The ache in my chest is unbearable sometimes. This is from my aforementioned obsessiveness I’d say.
I obsess over what we could be. Our possible path together. I see me completely happy with her, and she doesn’t see me as anymore than a friend. It kills me to think that this is within my grasp, and yet on the other side of the world.
Now, I have actually tried to be with her. I’ve asked her out on many occasions, each one sincere and totally honest. She’d laugh them off as me playing around, or if she did believe me, didn’t want to, because she doesn’t see me that way.
Compounded on this, is her recent comments about me to mutual friends. She says, I’m a great guy, nice, good looking, and dependable. This fucking pisses me off, and I’m rather mad at her for this. I’m everything she wants, but yet she doesn’t WANT me. I hate it, and I hate her for this tease.
Tonight I saw her with another guy, but I don’t know if they are going out. It would be nice to know actually, since if she was I could just go on with my life. I can totally deal with someone I want not being with me because they already have someone else. I’ve never thought of myself as a perfect match for anyone really, so another guy wouldn’t really bother me. But what happened when I left is what was the worst.
She kissed me on the cheek. Now, my ex-girlfriend kisses me on the cheek all the time, but this, this is different. That’s a sign of affection, which means that I have a place in her social setup. But the place is where I am now, as a friend. I can’t leave this place now, can’t advance to another level.
You see, once you’re in the system you can’t get out without cutting yourself off from the person. And if you do that, that defeats the purpose of the exercise, now doesn’t it? I’ve gone as far as I can, and if I give up now, and come back later, I’ll just fall into the spot I am in now.
This sucks.
There you go. Our next offering. What would you suggest, if you were the editor?