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Hastur
09-19-2002, 09:08 PM
Credited to: Name Witheld to Protect the Guilty

Yoshi crouched on the crumbling edge of the roof and engaged the targeting system in his cybernetic right eye. The crosshairs came up and he centered them on the slim, pretty redhead on the street below. It was gonna be a real shame to waste her. She had a righteous ass and if she bent over to pick up a nuyen off the street he would be able to see all of it and more from under her cherry red vinyl skirt. But business was business. He eased his Slicer 9000 from its holster and prepared to send its stream of flechettes on their way.

Just then she whipped around at looked him square in the eye. She knew he was there in spite of the fact that he was ten stories up and across the street. With an intimate gesture of her right arm she revealed the silver dragon tattoo running its length. “Shit.” He whispered fiercely. He spun around and jumped, hoping his amped reflexes would save his sorry hide. The cornice of the building exploded behind him in a flash of white light. Bits of concrete sliced open his black leather jumpsuit but bounced off of the body armor underneath. The concussion wave from the explosion propelled him across the length of the roof. He snapped out an arm and the grappling hook deployed from his wrist. It bit into the wall and his flight stopped with a jerk that nearly pulled his arm out of its socket. The wall rushed up to meet him but he was able to twist in midair and went through a window instead.

The monofilament wire disconnected from is wrist coupler and he rolled to his feet in front of a fat guy sitting on the couch, watching Gladiator. “Excuse me sir.” Yoshi hit the guy’s flat door running and it gave like wet cardboard. As he ran down stairs he swore he would nail his Fixer to the wall. No one screwed with him and lived. He reached the street and came out the door at a much more reserved pace.
His jaw nearly hit the floor when he saw the redhead and her posse waiting for him. “Surely you didn’t think you be able to outrun the Silver Dragons.” She laughed and damn if that didn’t make her look even hotter. She gestured over her shoulder. “Take him girls”. An Asian beauty and an Amazonian black woman both dressed in the same heart stopping skirts and matching jackets broke around her and came at Yoshi, grinning. He popped his claws and grinned back.

There you go. Our first offering. What would you suggest, if you were the editor?

Unbreathless
09-20-2002, 12:29 AM
You've played ShadowRun havn't you?

I'm not one for techno action stories, personally, but who am I to say they can't be good?

First off, the writing is a bit awkward at times, but flow takes time to learn (I should know, I've yet to learn it)
I would recommend taking a serious hatchet to this and cutting out some of the deadwood. too much description makes the writing crowded, and not as enjoyable.

Example:
Bits of concrete sliced open his black leather jumpsuit but bounced off of the body armor underneath It was gonna be a real shame to waste her. She had a righteous ass and if she bent over to pick up a nuyen off the street he would be able to see all of it and more from under her cherry red vinyl skirt. It bit into the wall and his flight stopped with a jerk that nearly pulled his arm out of its socket. The wall rushed up to meet him but he was able to twist in midair and went through a window instead.
these sentances, and others are awkward to read. You should always read your work over, and even out loud to yourself. You'll catch a lot of these run on sentances and over-description before other people do.

Your paragraphs could also do with some revamping. These paragraphs are largely action based, so maybe a good rule might be to break them up by sequences. Him dodging the explosion, his trip through the air, and him in the apartment could all be different paragraphs.

Richard Dickson
09-20-2002, 12:36 AM
You make some good points, but that style of writing is sort of inherent in the cyberpunk/Shadowrun genre. That second example you quoted wouldn't be too out of place in a noir thriller. Plus the fact that he's writing this in a particular character's voice lead me to be a little more forgiving.

Capt. Eucalyptus
09-20-2002, 10:11 AM
Maybe it should be more obvious when the character is speaking/ thinking and when its narrative. The way the paragraphs are broken up is also not quite right.

Unbreathless
09-20-2002, 02:49 PM
I understand the way this stuff is written, but action after action, he did this, then this, then this, then this etc doesn't pan out as a good story.

This would work as a screenplay, or in it's RPG element, but as a written story the style doesn't work as well I find.

That's just my opinion though, I could be wrong.

Richard Dickson
09-20-2002, 02:54 PM
Rereading this, it's not necessarily the back-to-back action, but it all seems to be in the vein of "he did this and then this happened. Then he did this and then this happend." Too many sentences with "and" in the middle. A little variety in sentence structure might make it seem less repetitive.