thoughts advice blee blee helpcakes.

[prala is just for jk]

Hey gang:

Its me. Of course its me. Why would I ever post in the chewers forum were it not to give and/or solicit advice :p . Well, my time has come yet again.

My boyfriend's mother passed away saturday. He's now in where his family is out west. His father died when he was very young, and he now only has his two sisters and various aunts and uncles. I haven't talked to him since Sunday, and I don't really expect to hear from him at all until after her funeral. My question is: what do I expect? What do I do? Any advice from any chewers who've been in this situation would be helpful. He's my best friend and my boyfriend, and I love him to peices. But I honestly feel useless and don't know what I should be doing, will have to do, or what to expect.

[Richard Dickson]

Don't expect anything. Just to respond to whatever happens. If he wants to talk, listen. If he doesn't want to talk, don't force anything. Let him set the tempo -- he's coming from a pretty high-stress event, the last thing he needs is to come home to more of it.

[Kronos]

Echo what Poxy says.

[kittyinjammies]

I'll give you my pat advice for everything.

Love him. Be there for him.

It's all you can do.

[prala is just for jk]

I know the pressure thing - which is why I'm not pressing to call or hear from him, and I'm not expecting the level of interaction we usually have when he gets back (nor am I asking when he is getting back). I'm cleaning his house, putting food in his fridge and letting him know I'm available. I just don't know, never having lost a parent, what types of grief people go through.

[Boomstick]

Say blee blee helpcakes to him... that would cheer up anyone.

[Dan Whitehead]

Make sure to let him know that you're giving him this space though. Be sure to tell him that if he wants time alone, then you'll give him that, but be careful you don't step back and let him dictate the pace entirely.

What I'm trying to say - badly - is that he could be waiting for you to call and make him feel better, while you hold back for fear of crowding him. He'll be jumping through dozens of emotional hoops right now, so just make sure he knows that you're not leaving him to deal with this alone. It can be a really awkward time, and it's easy to misinterpret peoples motives at a time like this.

I'd say that a quick no-pressure phone call to say "Just checking how you're feeling. Is there anything I can do?" would show him you're thinking of him, while still giving him his own space.

***EDIT: Just read your other post, and it looks like you've already done all this. Also, "blee blee helpcakes" is definitely a great cheering-up phrase***

[prala is just for jk]

I'd call just to let him know I'm thinking about him more, but he doesn't have a cell phone, and he's at his sisters or his mom's old house. I'm NOT calling and being like "is Jason there?" blee blee annoycakes. So I've taken to leaving a few messages on his machine, in case he checks his messages and knows I'm thinking about him.

That's ok, right?

[Boomstick]

I would think that's perfectly fine. Don't worry about being annoying, and just love... love... love.

I was totally serious about the blee blee thing.

[prala is just for jk]

Blee Blee.

Yes.

This sucks though.

[prala is just for jk]

Anybody else? Seriously. I'm hurtin'.

[Blofeld]

You've gotten the only advice you need.

There aren't words that can take away the pain. There isn't a magic salve, or "move on" potion. There will be emotional stormy weather ahead, and he simply must move through it -- with genuine, caring, loving people at his side.

All you can do is be genuine, loving and caring.

[prala is just for jk]

Blo - I know. What I'm looking for, quite frankly, is what to expect from someone who has lost a parent. I've lost friends - three- and grandparents, but never someone so central to my life. You know?

[Blofeld]

Everyone handles it differently, and the storm keeps changing.

No one can tell you what to expect. Not even the boy.

[prala is just for jk]

so, like, the part where i don't feel like eating is the same as the part where he feels like not talking?

or the part where when my friend died last year and didn't want to do anythign but sleep is the same thing as him wanting to sleep all the time?

that thing?