CHUD ELITE MISSION #1 [Archive]

JG-The Song of my Jailer*

06-12-2002, 10:12 PM

If we're squirrel proofing Blo's home then I'd better take my nuts out of his mouth. That's the first place they would look! I may not be elite but damned if I ain't here to help.

Richard Dickson

06-12-2002, 10:40 PM

I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit.

Only way to be sure.

flyarz

06-12-2002, 10:51 PM

First we need to evacuate Bug-A-Boo outta there, THEN we nuke...

Richard Dickson

06-12-2002, 11:00 PM

flyers:
First we need to evacuate Bug-A-Boo outta there, THEN we nuke...They don't kill you! They don't kill you!

Andre Dellamorte

06-12-2002, 11:07 PM

Hey, shoot a nuke down a suirrel hole, you got a lot of dead squirrels.

Tony Ryan

06-12-2002, 11:14 PM

License to kill squirrels by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill squirrels at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.

flyarz

06-12-2002, 11:24 PM

So, um, are we getting this squirrel or not?

Django

06-12-2002, 11:25 PM

Devin you and all your men couldn't handle those squirrels before, now what makes you think you can handle them now?

Because God knows what damage they are prepared to do.

You don't seem to want to except the fact that you are dealing with experts in guerilla warfare.

Devin: Are you telling me that 200 men against Blo's squirrels is a no win situation for us?

If you send that many, don't forget one thing.

A good supply of glad bags...

Carl Cunningham

06-12-2002, 11:32 PM

Do they get to win this time?

Tony Ryan

06-12-2002, 11:41 PM

That camp... was supposed to be empty. Blo goes in, a decorated vet, he finds no squirrels, the Congress buys it -- case closed! And if he happens to get caught, nobody knows he's alive except you and your computers... and you can reprogram that can't you?

Richard Dickson

06-12-2002, 11:58 PM

You know the thing about a squirrel, he's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the dishwasher turns red and in spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces.

Tony Ryan

06-13-2002, 12:02 AM

They're coming outta the walls. They're coming outta the goddamn walls!

Jacob Singer

06-13-2002, 12:03 AM

"When you stick your hand, in a pile of goo, that ten seconds before, was your best squirrels's face...

Richard Dickson

06-13-2002, 12:05 AM

A soldier's job is to make some other dumb son of a bitch squirrel die for his country!

Tony Ryan

06-13-2002, 12:12 AM

Listen! And understand! That squirrel is out there. It can't be bargained with! It can't be reasoned with! It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!

Django

06-13-2002, 12:31 AM

Blo! Where you going?

Blo: I don't know.

You'll get a second Medal of Honor for this.

Blo: Give it to the squirrels. They deserve it more.

You can't keep runnin', Blo. You're free now. Come back with us.

Blo: Back to what? My squirrels died here. Part of me died here.

The war...everything that happened here may be wrong but damn it don't hate your squirrels for it.

Blo: Hate? I'd die for them

Then what is it that you want?

Blo: I want...what they want. And what every other squirrel...who came over here...and spilled his guts...and gave everything he had...wants. For our country to love us...as much as we...love it. That's what I want.

How will you live, Blo?

Blo: Day by day...

Carl Cunningham

06-13-2002, 12:37 AM

cue cheesy Frank Stallone ballad...

wink

Tony Ryan

06-13-2002, 12:40 AM

We gave our hearts
We gave it all
Flame in the fire
burns forever more
Sorrow in believing
Honor and truth
Race by us blindly
Wrapped around our yourth
Peace in my life
Remember the call
A tear for my brothers
think of them all
Home of the brave
Will never fall
Strength of our nation
Belongs to us all

Time is a healer
Of those laid to rest
Peace is a virtue
Never forget
Tomorrows an angel
watching us all
telling the people
She wraps around her heart
Peace in my life
Remember the call
A tear for my brothers
Think of them all
Home of the brave
Will never fall
Strength of our nation
Belongs to us all

Oh peace in my life
Remember the call
A tear for my brothers
Think of them all
Home of the free
Will never fall
Strength of our nation
Belongs to us all
Peace in my life
Remember the call
A tear for my brothers
Think of them all
Home of the brave
Will never fall
The strength of our nation
Belongs to us all

Frost

06-13-2002, 12:54 AM

Bug-A-Boo: If Ann got freaked out by these, there must be something sexual: are these tapes of you having sex with these squirrels?
Blo: No, not exactly.
Bug-A-Boo: Well, either you are or your aren't; which is it?
Blo: Why don't you let me tape you?
Bug-A-Boo: Doing what?
Blo: Talking.
Bug-A-Boo: About what?
Blo: About squirrels... your squirrel history, squirrel preferences.
Bug-A-Boo: What makes you think I'd discuss that with you?
Blo: Nothing.
Bug-A-Boo: Hmm. And you just want to ask me questions?
Blo: I just want to ask you questions.
Bug-A-Boo: That's all.
Blo: That's all.
Bug-A-Boo: Is this how you get off or something? Taping women talking about their squirrel experiences?
Blo: Yes.

Django

06-13-2002, 06:57 AM

Lone Wolf to Squirrel den. Over?

Lone Wolf to Squirrel den. Over?

Squirrel den. This is Lone Wolf. Over?

Lone Wolf to Squirrel den. Over?

Squirrel Den: Lone Wolf? This is Squirrel den. What is your position? Over?

Lone Wolf to Squirrel den. En route with American P.O.W.s. Over?

Blofeld

06-13-2002, 07:20 AM

Best thread EVER! Did anyone else read Tony's last post 3 or 4 times trying to find the squirrel reference?

Blofeld

06-13-2002, 07:31 AM

You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a squirrel. A well scrubbed, hustling squirrel with a little taste. Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, squirrel? And that accent you've tried so desparately to shed? "ee-a, ee-a, ee-a..." Pure West Virginia. What's your father, squirrel? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars...while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way to the dishwasher.

Blofeld

06-13-2002, 07:46 AM

I killed two squirrels. One was yesterday. He was just a boy and I led him into quicksand. The other was... well... before Bug-a-boo. I had to execute him with my pistol and there was something about it that I didn't like...

...No, something else...

...No... something else. I enjoyed it.

Blofeld

06-13-2002, 07:49 AM

I carry twenty-three great wounds all got in battle. Seventy-five squirrels have I killed with my own hands in battle. I scatter, I burn my enemies' nuts. I take away their flocks and herds. The Turks pay me a golden treasure, yet I am poor! Because I am a Bug-a-boo to my people!

Blofeld

06-13-2002, 08:25 AM

There were people I know that got upset that I kiss squirrels; I kiss them for luck and love, that's all. That's what my mother did to me. There were people upset that I would embrace or have squirrels of a different color. The first time I ever saw squirrels of any color was when D-Day left from my hometown in England, to go and free Europe in the war. And there was every color you could imagine, and I'd not seen that in England. And I'd asked my mother about it; I said, "Is there something wrong?" She said, "God... God makes squirrels. You understand that, don't you?" And I said, "Yeah!" She said, "Who makes a rainbow?" I said, "God." She said, "I never presumed to tell anyone who could make a rainbow what color to make squirrels." And she changed my whole life with that statement. All I can tell you is, this has been the very special 9 years of my life! If I never do another thing, I've met the good, sweet squirrels of the world.

Blofeld

06-13-2002, 08:29 AM

Wenn ist das Nurnstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Feierhund das oder die Flipperwaldt squirrels!

Rath/Brendan

06-13-2002, 08:46 AM

Squirrel #1: Danny. Danny, wake up. You're gonna be all right. You gotta live...you're gonna be a father.
Squirel #2: A father?
Squirel #1: A father. I wasn't supposed to tell you..but you're gonna be a daddy. A daddy.
Squirel #2: No. You are.

Squirel dies. Other squirel goes home and nails the squirel version of Kate Beckinsale. They name Danny's many kids Danny 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

Alice in Wonderland

06-13-2002, 08:56 AM

There is no squirrel.

Django

06-13-2002, 09:12 AM

Ay, fight and you may die, run and you'll live. At least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our squirrels, but they'll never take our FREE-DOM!!!!

Every squirrel dies.

Not every squirrel truly lives...

prala is just for jk

06-13-2002, 10:34 AM

ok. don't you guys know all you have to do is have me go "heeeere pretty squirrel?"

Rollo Tomasi

06-13-2002, 11:47 AM

Blofeld: I killed them. I killed them all. They're dead, every single one of them. And not just the squirrels, but the chipmunks and the rabbits, too! They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals! I HATE THEM!

billylove

06-13-2002, 12:17 PM

You do realize that:

Squirrel fear leads to squirrel anger.
Squirrel anger leads to squirrel hate and squirrel hate leads to the squirrel dark side?

billylove

06-13-2002, 12:19 PM

Cute littel squirrel.

I want to love and pet him, and squeeze him...
Opps he's dead. ;(

Blofeld

06-13-2002, 03:46 PM

You make me sick with your heroics. There's a stench of squirrels about you. You carry it in your pack like the plague. Explosives and L-pills -- they go well together, don't they? And with you it's just one thing or the other: destroy a squirrel or destroy yourself. This is just a game, this war! You and Colonel Nicholson, you're two of a kind, crazy with courage. For what? How to die like a gentleman... how to die by the rules... when the only important thing is how to live like a human being.

Charlie Brigden

06-13-2002, 04:06 PM

I think now, looking back, we did not fight the squirrel. We fought ourselves. The squirrel was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Blo will be, fighting with Django for what Flyers called "possession of my soul." There are times since, when I've felt like a squirrel, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build the dishwasher again. To teach to chewers what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this sewer.

billylove

06-13-2002, 04:12 PM

Become the squirrel.
Do not fight the squirrel.
The squirrel and you are one.
The squirrel is good.

Rollo Tomasi

06-13-2002, 04:33 PM

Trinity: I know why you're here, Blofeld. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for them. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when they found me, they told me I wasn't really looking for them. I was looking for an answer. It's the question, Blofeld. It's the question that drives us. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.

Blofeld: Who are the Squirrels?

Trinity: The answer is out there, Blofeld, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.

Michael Rabattino

06-13-2002, 04:36 PM

Verbal Kint: "You think you can catch the squirrel? You think a squirrel like that comes this close to getting caught, and sticks his head out of the dishwasher? If he comes up for anything it'll be for table scraps. After that... my guess is you'll never hear from him again."

Rath/Brendan

06-13-2002, 04:42 PM

Veronica: Gee, Heather, why can't we talk to other squirels?

Heather: Fuck me gently with a dishwasher. Do I look like Diane Fossey to you?

Frost

06-13-2002, 05:14 PM

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Long shadows are cast across linoleum floors and formica countertops by intermittantly flashing light over the stove. BLOFELD slowly approaches dishwasher, and with trembling hands, opens it.

CLOSEUP of BLOFELD's shocked face.

BLOFELD: "Uzumaki."

Kronos

06-13-2002, 05:42 PM

See...see the squirrel. Ma-ma...make the squirrel your future.

Me? I'm a veg.

Richard Dickson

06-13-2002, 06:24 PM

A squirrel tried to get into my dishwasher once.

I ate its liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

FTHPFTHPFTHPFTHPFTHPFTHP!

Swykk

06-14-2002, 09:18 AM

this has got to be not only the best thread ever but also the funniest!

BLO: There are worse things out tonight than squirrels.

SWYKK: Like what?

BLO: Like me. Tell Frost that it's open season on all squrirrel-heads!

Rollo Tomasi

06-14-2002, 02:49 PM

Blofeld: One does not simply open the dishwasher. Its white gate is guarded by more than just squirrels. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with nutshells and droppings and pieces of food, the very air you breathe is a lemon-like fume. Not with ten thousand exterminators could you do this. It is folly.

Richard Dickson

06-14-2002, 06:42 PM

You look in the dishwasher. Dishwasher's in the kitchen. Squirrel's in the kitchen. Our squirrel.

Farewell and adieu to you fair Chewer Blofeld....

billylove

06-17-2002, 12:37 PM

Squirrel is a killing word.

-Dune

Matt Carroll

06-17-2002, 12:50 PM

Memory is a selection of images, some elusive, others printed indelibly on the brain. The summer I killed my squirrel, I was 10 years old.

Kronos

06-17-2002, 01:18 PM

One Squirrel to Rule them all,
Bug-a-boo to find him.
One hole to let him in,
And in the washer drown him.

LlamaRama

06-19-2002, 06:10 PM

Every single man or woman who has stood their ground, EVERYONE who has fought a squirrel has died. But where they have failed, you will succeed.

I've seen a squirrel punch through a concrete wall. Men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air. Yet their strength is and their speed are still based in a world that is built on rules, and because of that, they will never be as strong or as fast as you can be.

LlamaRama

06-19-2002, 06:13 PM

Some things in here don't react very well to squirrels.

Cheese Biscuits

06-19-2002, 06:18 PM

Yes, ya did Mr. Squirrel. Ya tried ta fuck him and Marsellus Wallace don't liked to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Wallace, and especially not fucked by squirrels. You ever read the Bible, squirrel? There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil squirrels. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon the squirrels with great vengeance and furious anger those squirrels who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon the squirrels!"

Capt. Eucalyptus

06-26-2003, 04:16 PM

Scene cuts to a squirrel on the balcony. He stands behind a podium and faces a sea of little squirrel faces.

"Squeaken! Squeak squeaker squeak!!" He pounds the podium furiously. "Squeaka squeak squeak. Squeaker squeak squeaka. Squeaker squeaken!!!"

The crowd goes wild and proceeds to charge.