Richard Dickson
06-30-2002, 09:55 AM
SERVICE/NO SERVICE
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Lance and Beth enter a restaurant.
LANCE: I hear this is the best restaurant in town.
BETH: I hope so. I’m starving.
Caesar, the waiter, enters.
CAESAR (snobby): Good evening, I’m Caesar, your waitperson. How many in your party?
LANCE: Two.
CAESAR: Smoking or non-smoking?
LANCE: Non, please.
CAESAR: Service or no service?
LANCE(confused): Excuse me?
CAESAR(impatient): Service or no service?
LANCE: Um, service?
CAESAR: Oh. I’m afraid there’s going to be a wait.
BETH: Lance, we can’t wait too long. We have to be at Barb and Mitch’s by ten.
LANCE: Okay, I guess we’ll take the no service.
CAESAR(evilly): Oh, then we can seat you right away!
Caesar leads Lance and Beth to the no service section, then walks away. The section is in total chaos. One group – Ted, Alice, and Harry – sits huddles together. Ted holds a glass that seems to have stabbed him. Alice groans from an apparent wound. Lance and Beth walk over to them.
TED: Oh my god! Was that the waiter?
CAESAR(O.S.): That’s waitperson!
HARRY: Face it, Ted. He’s not coming back.
TED: But what about Alice?
BETH: What is all this?
HARRY: Welcome to the no service section. We call it hell.
BETH: But this is supposed to be a five-star restaurant!
TED(bitterly): Only for those bastards in the service section! They’ve got time to wait around for napkins and water and checks! Not like us poor stiffs who have to work for a living! You bastards!!!
Ted begins to cough due to his wound. Harry grabs him.
HARRY: Take it easy, Ted! We don’t have very many napkins left.
BETH(looking around): But there are some napkins at that table right over there....
Beth starts to move towards the table.
HARRY: No!!!
Harry leaps to his feet and pulls Beth back.
LANCE: What the hell are you doing?
HARRY: That’s just how we got into this mess in the first place!
LANCE: I don’t understand.
TED(intensely): Alice went for some dinner rolls from the wedding party in the back. She took a fork in the side. We needed napkins to stop the bleeding, so I went to the same table your lady friend was headed for. The glass hit me before I knew it.
HARRY: They say you never hear the glass that kills you.
TED: I am not gonna die!
BETH: But what about Alice?
HARRY: Fortunately it was only a dinner fork.
LANCE: May I take a look?
Harry eyes him skeptically.
LANCE(determined): I write an etiquette column.
Harry moves aside, impressed. Lance bends over Alice and examines her wound. He shakes his head sadly and stands.
LANCE: There are three holes, Harry. I’m afraid it was … a salad fork.
Ted gasps. Harry grabs Lance by his shoulders.
HARRY: Tell me. Was there … dressing on it?
Lance licks his fingers.
LANCE(quietly): Thousand Island.
Harry lets out a bereaved howl. Ted turns to the wedding party.
TED: I thought we agreed no Thousand Island, you barbarians!!!
GUEST(O.S.): Stay away from our rolls, you bunch of freeloaders!
TED(trying to rise): I’ll show you a freeloader!
HARRY: Ted, no! Do you want to be the next one! Do you want to end up like … like Alice?
Alice suddenly stirs and moans softly.
HARRY: Alice! I’m here! Speak to me!
ALICE(weakly): Harry … promise … promise me you won’t forget. I … I never thought it would end this way. The pain, Harry! The pain! I can feel the dressing … moving inside me.
Harry begins to sob.
ALICE: Don’t cry. This isn’t good-bye, Harry … it’s au revoir. We’ll meet again in a better place … a place with waiters—
CAESAR(O.S.): Waitperson, goddammit!
ALL: Whatever!
ALICE(fading fast): A place with all the napkins and dinner rolls we want! Oh! I can see it, Harry! I can see it! Party … of one … non … smoking....
She dies. Harry stifles a sob, then turns grimly towards the wedding party.
HARRY: That’s it. I’ve had enough of cowering here like some whipped dog while they mock us! I’m going to go wipe those smug looks off their faces! Then we’ll see who makes fun of Jenkins, party of three!
BETH: Lance, stop him! He’ll get himself killed!
LANCE: Harry, you don’t stand a chance against them alone! There’s at least three generations of family in that wedding party! And look what happened to Ted!
BETH: Now we’re talking some sense.
LANCE: But if we combine our forces –
BETH: What the hell are you talking about?
LANCE: Well it’s simple dear. One of us creates a diversion while the other sneaks up on their rear flank with a broken chair leg.
BETH: Why do you men have to solve all your problems with violence? Alice would be alive right now if you had tried to talk things out first! But now she’s dead, Ted could be dying, and why? Because you’re too stubborn to sit down with that wedding party and settle things like civilized human beings! Well I’ve seen enough blood shed in this restaurant! I am going to extend the hand of friendship! And may it be firmly grasped by those who we now call our enemies!
She turns to the wedding party.
BETH: Hello! Mind if we join you?
GUEST(O.S.): Hell yes you little bitch!
BETH (instantly enraged): Bitch? Get me the fucking chair leg! Now!
Lance struggles to hold back Beth as Caesar enters. Harry and Ted stare in open astonishment.
GUEST(O.S.): Oh my god! It’s the waitperson! Quick, everybody!
The rhythmic chanting of Caesar’s name is heard off-stage.
CAESAR: They think that will make a difference. (to Harry) Oh, I see your wife has died. Can I get you another?
HARRY: Go to hell!
CAESAR: Tsk tsk tsk. And I was going to bring you your bill. But now....
Caesar takes a bill from his pocket and slowly tears it to pieces. Harry and Ted look in horror as he scatters the pieces in front of them. He then turns to Lance and Beth.
CAESAR: Would you two care for drinks?
LANCE(in shock): Uh, yes.
CAESAR(sadistically): I just bet you would.
He exits. Harry rushed over to Lance and Beth.
HARRY: Get out while you can! They haven’t brought you anything yet! They can’t stop you!
LANCE: I can’t leave you here! Not with Ted with a glass in him!
TED(in pain): We’re not important! Besides, we won’t be able to hold off that wedding party much longer. I can see the bridesmaids forming up on our flank – we’re finished.
BETH: But –
HARRY: No buts! You two have to get out of here! To warn others! To let the world know what happened here this day!
TED: Don’t let them forget!
Lance and Beth exchange resigned looks. Then Beth hugs Harry, and Lance and Harry exchange a firm handshake.
LANCE: You’re a far better man than I am, Harry.
BETH: And a better woman than me, for that matter.
HARRY: Get out of here. And … remember.
Lance nods. He and Beth turn and dash off-stage.
CAESAR(O.S.): Stop! Your drinks are almost ready! Come back! There will be reprisals!!!
Harry walks calmly over to Ted, kneels, and cradles Alice in his arms.
TED: Harry?
HARRY: What?
TED(weakly): I’m glad you’re here … in the end.
HARRY: Ted? No! Ted! Don’t leave me now!
TED: Harry! I can … see Alice! She … she has a … window … table....
He dies. Harry looks around miserably. He kisses Alice softly.
HARRY: Happy anniversary, my love.
He picks up a butter knife and looks at it contemplatively. As he moves the blade towards him, Caesar appears, talking over his shoulder.
CAESAR: Party of three? Ah....
Harry drives the blade home and falls.
CAESAR: Yes, we just had something open up. Right this way!
END
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Lance and Beth enter a restaurant.
LANCE: I hear this is the best restaurant in town.
BETH: I hope so. I’m starving.
Caesar, the waiter, enters.
CAESAR (snobby): Good evening, I’m Caesar, your waitperson. How many in your party?
LANCE: Two.
CAESAR: Smoking or non-smoking?
LANCE: Non, please.
CAESAR: Service or no service?
LANCE(confused): Excuse me?
CAESAR(impatient): Service or no service?
LANCE: Um, service?
CAESAR: Oh. I’m afraid there’s going to be a wait.
BETH: Lance, we can’t wait too long. We have to be at Barb and Mitch’s by ten.
LANCE: Okay, I guess we’ll take the no service.
CAESAR(evilly): Oh, then we can seat you right away!
Caesar leads Lance and Beth to the no service section, then walks away. The section is in total chaos. One group – Ted, Alice, and Harry – sits huddles together. Ted holds a glass that seems to have stabbed him. Alice groans from an apparent wound. Lance and Beth walk over to them.
TED: Oh my god! Was that the waiter?
CAESAR(O.S.): That’s waitperson!
HARRY: Face it, Ted. He’s not coming back.
TED: But what about Alice?
BETH: What is all this?
HARRY: Welcome to the no service section. We call it hell.
BETH: But this is supposed to be a five-star restaurant!
TED(bitterly): Only for those bastards in the service section! They’ve got time to wait around for napkins and water and checks! Not like us poor stiffs who have to work for a living! You bastards!!!
Ted begins to cough due to his wound. Harry grabs him.
HARRY: Take it easy, Ted! We don’t have very many napkins left.
BETH(looking around): But there are some napkins at that table right over there....
Beth starts to move towards the table.
HARRY: No!!!
Harry leaps to his feet and pulls Beth back.
LANCE: What the hell are you doing?
HARRY: That’s just how we got into this mess in the first place!
LANCE: I don’t understand.
TED(intensely): Alice went for some dinner rolls from the wedding party in the back. She took a fork in the side. We needed napkins to stop the bleeding, so I went to the same table your lady friend was headed for. The glass hit me before I knew it.
HARRY: They say you never hear the glass that kills you.
TED: I am not gonna die!
BETH: But what about Alice?
HARRY: Fortunately it was only a dinner fork.
LANCE: May I take a look?
Harry eyes him skeptically.
LANCE(determined): I write an etiquette column.
Harry moves aside, impressed. Lance bends over Alice and examines her wound. He shakes his head sadly and stands.
LANCE: There are three holes, Harry. I’m afraid it was … a salad fork.
Ted gasps. Harry grabs Lance by his shoulders.
HARRY: Tell me. Was there … dressing on it?
Lance licks his fingers.
LANCE(quietly): Thousand Island.
Harry lets out a bereaved howl. Ted turns to the wedding party.
TED: I thought we agreed no Thousand Island, you barbarians!!!
GUEST(O.S.): Stay away from our rolls, you bunch of freeloaders!
TED(trying to rise): I’ll show you a freeloader!
HARRY: Ted, no! Do you want to be the next one! Do you want to end up like … like Alice?
Alice suddenly stirs and moans softly.
HARRY: Alice! I’m here! Speak to me!
ALICE(weakly): Harry … promise … promise me you won’t forget. I … I never thought it would end this way. The pain, Harry! The pain! I can feel the dressing … moving inside me.
Harry begins to sob.
ALICE: Don’t cry. This isn’t good-bye, Harry … it’s au revoir. We’ll meet again in a better place … a place with waiters—
CAESAR(O.S.): Waitperson, goddammit!
ALL: Whatever!
ALICE(fading fast): A place with all the napkins and dinner rolls we want! Oh! I can see it, Harry! I can see it! Party … of one … non … smoking....
She dies. Harry stifles a sob, then turns grimly towards the wedding party.
HARRY: That’s it. I’ve had enough of cowering here like some whipped dog while they mock us! I’m going to go wipe those smug looks off their faces! Then we’ll see who makes fun of Jenkins, party of three!
BETH: Lance, stop him! He’ll get himself killed!
LANCE: Harry, you don’t stand a chance against them alone! There’s at least three generations of family in that wedding party! And look what happened to Ted!
BETH: Now we’re talking some sense.
LANCE: But if we combine our forces –
BETH: What the hell are you talking about?
LANCE: Well it’s simple dear. One of us creates a diversion while the other sneaks up on their rear flank with a broken chair leg.
BETH: Why do you men have to solve all your problems with violence? Alice would be alive right now if you had tried to talk things out first! But now she’s dead, Ted could be dying, and why? Because you’re too stubborn to sit down with that wedding party and settle things like civilized human beings! Well I’ve seen enough blood shed in this restaurant! I am going to extend the hand of friendship! And may it be firmly grasped by those who we now call our enemies!
She turns to the wedding party.
BETH: Hello! Mind if we join you?
GUEST(O.S.): Hell yes you little bitch!
BETH (instantly enraged): Bitch? Get me the fucking chair leg! Now!
Lance struggles to hold back Beth as Caesar enters. Harry and Ted stare in open astonishment.
GUEST(O.S.): Oh my god! It’s the waitperson! Quick, everybody!
The rhythmic chanting of Caesar’s name is heard off-stage.
CAESAR: They think that will make a difference. (to Harry) Oh, I see your wife has died. Can I get you another?
HARRY: Go to hell!
CAESAR: Tsk tsk tsk. And I was going to bring you your bill. But now....
Caesar takes a bill from his pocket and slowly tears it to pieces. Harry and Ted look in horror as he scatters the pieces in front of them. He then turns to Lance and Beth.
CAESAR: Would you two care for drinks?
LANCE(in shock): Uh, yes.
CAESAR(sadistically): I just bet you would.
He exits. Harry rushed over to Lance and Beth.
HARRY: Get out while you can! They haven’t brought you anything yet! They can’t stop you!
LANCE: I can’t leave you here! Not with Ted with a glass in him!
TED(in pain): We’re not important! Besides, we won’t be able to hold off that wedding party much longer. I can see the bridesmaids forming up on our flank – we’re finished.
BETH: But –
HARRY: No buts! You two have to get out of here! To warn others! To let the world know what happened here this day!
TED: Don’t let them forget!
Lance and Beth exchange resigned looks. Then Beth hugs Harry, and Lance and Harry exchange a firm handshake.
LANCE: You’re a far better man than I am, Harry.
BETH: And a better woman than me, for that matter.
HARRY: Get out of here. And … remember.
Lance nods. He and Beth turn and dash off-stage.
CAESAR(O.S.): Stop! Your drinks are almost ready! Come back! There will be reprisals!!!
Harry walks calmly over to Ted, kneels, and cradles Alice in his arms.
TED: Harry?
HARRY: What?
TED(weakly): I’m glad you’re here … in the end.
HARRY: Ted? No! Ted! Don’t leave me now!
TED: Harry! I can … see Alice! She … she has a … window … table....
He dies. Harry looks around miserably. He kisses Alice softly.
HARRY: Happy anniversary, my love.
He picks up a butter knife and looks at it contemplatively. As he moves the blade towards him, Caesar appears, talking over his shoulder.
CAESAR: Party of three? Ah....
Harry drives the blade home and falls.
CAESAR: Yes, we just had something open up. Right this way!
END