Dispatches From...

[Sean Gardner]

The all new blog from Sean Gardner. Or, you know... me.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/545/Dispatches-from-Whore-Island.html

[Sean Gardner]

How do you feel about free anal beads? Also discussed, The Crapening.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/552/Dispatches-from-Under-Your-Lawnmower.html

[Sean Gardner]

I help you to a handful of what I like to call "The Adam Sandler Problem." It's too easy to make an "I messed with the Zohan" joke, so I won't. But I guess I just did. Fuck it.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/572/Dispatches-from-Adam-Sandler039s-Shortpants.html

[Shawn C. Baker]

In response to conceiving better ways to off oneself, how about this: M. Knight Shamalamadingdong follows you around much like Bruce Willis did the kid in 6th sense, except what M does is try and turn EVERYTHING you do, see or experience into a 'twist'. Not lethal you say? I think murder-suicide would be my new favorite word if this were to occur.

[Sean Gardner]

Shawn: If only he would have married Phil Hartman's wife instead. Ugh. I've been well past his shite since the religious propaganda of Signs. This one might finally be his ticket out of Hollywood!

[Sean Gardner]

I now regale you with stories of the most embarrassing cry-fests from films' past. And the story about my brother is absolutely true, sad as that may be.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/589/Dispatches-from-A-Sopping-Wet-Hankerchief.html

Enjoy.

[Sean Gardner]

Let's take a moment to reflect on Mr. Swayze and Mr. Newman. And have you seen the Swayze tattoo yet? Fuck yes!

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/607/Dispatches-from-My-Fog-of-Celebrity-News-Depression.html

[Goffabellezza]

I too am broken-hearted by Swayze's news. Let's seriously not discount To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. I'm not being facetious. Don't forget it. It's magic. Dipped in gold. And thanks for outing my US Weekly, love.

[Sean Gardner]

Does gold cling to magic particularly well? My hunch is maybe not. But then, if this was impossible, To Wong Foo would not exist, so perhaps my hunch is a dick. And glad to out your US Weekly love. And let's not forget Star and People.

[Sean Gardner]

Alright, so here it is, my last post from New Mexico. In it, we cover dry drowning, a phenomenon that leads to pool-shitting. Also, the prevalence of syphilis is discussed. Or just, you know, movies...

I should also mention that my brother Matt asked for a retraction to yesterday's story about Paul Newman. He too, it seems, loves Sully Sullivan in Nobody's Fool and wished for you all to know of it. And also, he meant correction, not retraction. Even if retraction is a cooler word.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/618/Dispatches-from-The-Land-of-Entrapment-One-Final-Time.html

[Sean Gardner]

So, I'm back. And a bit pissy, so enjoy yourselves. Hopefully this whole ability to get internet will continue so I can keep sharing my disdain.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/744/DISPATCHES-FROM-A-Foreign-Land-of-Pink.html

[Sean Gardner]

Tales from the road. Less depressing than the Cormac McCarthy version. Unless you live in Chandler, Oklahoma.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/751/DISPATCHES-FROM-Chandler-Oklahoma.html

[Sean Gardner]

So yeah, you should read this and then go buy the CD. Trust me.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/752/DISPATCHES-FROM-Holding-Steady.html

[Sean Gardner]

Let's all go to the lobby! Let's all go to the lobby! Let's all go to the lobby, and buy ourselves some smack.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/781/DISPATCHES-FROM-The-Drive-In.html

[Sean Gardner]

Ok, I'm back. And pissed. What the fuck have you done lately, you piece of shit?

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/899/DISPATCHES-FROM-The-Loom-of-Fate.html

[Sean Gardner]

Internet or no internet? A decision must be made!

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/912/DISPATCHES-FROM-Nowhere-Land.html

[Sean Gardner]

Who would you Tarantino? Let's kick this off right, cause I got a whole fucking list.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/921/DISPATCHES-FROM-Tarantino-Day.html

[Erix]

Yeah, I hear you.

I like (I mean genuinely like) Spies Like Us, Funny Farm (nothing beats prairie oysters) and Memoirs of an Invisible Man (great Shirley Walker score - and Carpenter hides his personality well with this slick studio picture)

These are not "so bad they're good..." These are good. Period.

Plenty (Russell Crowe) of assholes (Tim Robbins) are allowed (Charlie Sheen) to have careers (Sarah Jessica Parker).

So, why not Chevy?

[coolasquentin]

Great piece.

It's funny that two of the three SNL alums you mentioned I wrote bitter sweet articles about and was mulling over a Mike Myers one. I think he might have went off the deep end with The Love Guru, but I personally think the combination of Goldmember and Shrek the Third took the cake.

Chevy Chase... how I adore his cocky asshole ways. That's what made him iconic. I mean, his talk show was horrible, but so was Joan Rivers and Magic Johnson. And Joan still randomly talks to people and Magic defeated his HIV.

So Chevy's due for a career resurgence. And I too watch Christmas Vacation every Christmas. That, Christmas Story and Bad Santa.

So again, bravo to remembering one of the great comedic forces that somehow dropped the ball.

[Sean Gardner]

Thanks for the love. And yeah, I totally agree with you. So many shitty "actors" are getting plenty of work these days and my boy is left doing direct-to-DVD work. I'm sure there's some asshole director that can work with his asshole attitude and churn out something great. While he may not fit into the laid back Apatow style, certainly there's someone in the new comedy revolution that can bail him out.

[Sean Gardner]

The Geek is sighted. But not sought. So sad.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/941/DISPATCHES-FROM-Celebrity-ville.html

[Sean Gardner]

Who would you Tarantino? My second pick. You know you love him.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/969/DISPATCHES-FROM-Tarantino-ing-Again.html

[Sean Gardner]

Forrest Gump. Or, "How to no-bag-fuck a lady with HIV and come away sans the AIDS."

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/981/DISPATCHES-FROM-Forrest-Gump.html

[4496 aka Joe Sixpack]

I always assumed Jenny got AIDS from fucking somebody after she gave birth to the kid. I mean, the kid's like 5 or 6 years old when Forrest meets him, right? Who's to say she didn't catch it six months after the kid was born.

[Sean Gardner]

Good point Joe Sixpack. I hadn't even thought of that. Perhaps she still hadn't learned the important life lessons of no-bag fucking after giving birth to her precious mini-tard. Shame on her, then.

[Sean Gardner]

I found culture! Or at least my definition of it. And my opinion's correct, so fuck you.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1023/DISPATCHES-FROM-Signs-of-Life.html

[Sean Gardner]

Why Darren? Why? (Writer sobs openly for three to five minutes.) Why-hy-hy-hy-hy-hy-hy-hy-hyyyyyyyy???

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1094/DISPATCHES-FROM-Aronofsky039s-Questionable-Practices.html

[Kevin Matchstick]

Robocop isn't drivel and it certainly isn't mindless. And The Wrestler seems like a return to the pre-Fountain Aronofsky to me. With The Fountain, he really went for it and made a BIG movie. Territory he'll head into next with The Fighter and, of course, with the Robocop reboot - which isn't supposed to be a remake, I don't think.

[Gabe Powers]

Robocop - the most misunderstood comedy of all time?

[Jonathan]

EDIT: Ehh, never mind.

[Sean Gardner]

Kevin - I understand that Robocop holds a high rank in many a geek heart, but you must at least see that transitioning from the film's he's done to work on Robocop is a step in a totally (read: WRONG) direction for Mr. Aronofsky. And it is drivel. I still enjoy it for what it is, but it's fucking retarded. And trust me, I understand retarded, I spent the evening watching a Flipping Out marathon on Bravo with my girlfriend, and I love it, unabashedly.

Gabe - See comment above re: unintentional comedy (i.e. retarded).

Jakespeare - Was that apathy or some attempt at an insult? In which case, may I suggest you use the expected nerd response, FAIL! when attempting said insult next time. Perhaps I wouldn't mistake it for laziness.

[Gabe Powers]

Gabe - See comment above re: unintentional comedy (i.e. retarded).

Well, if the writer and director a to be believed the comedy was very much intended, as was that of their next team up, Starship Troopers.

[Jonathan]

Jakespeare - Was that apathy or some attempt at an insult? In which case, may I suggest you use the expected nerd response, FAIL! when attempting said insult next time. Perhaps I wouldn't mistake it for laziness.

*insert hissing cat sound effect*

I was actually responding to Gabe's comment but decided that my stance wasn't really that strong so I aborted my argument. I've never actually read your blog and now I don't think I will. You've offended me with your unprovoked and frankly juvenile attack so suck it bitch.

[Kevin Matchstick]

I think Robocop is woefully misunderstood by the writer.

I'm one of the few Aronofsky non-believers around these parts. I think The Fountain, while beautiful, has its problems. Like I said above, I think you need to probably be getting hyped up for The Wrestler. At the very least, it's a weird concoction. I think Aronofsky struggles with finding a balance between his offbeat and mainstream sensibilities. I think this is most apparent in The Fountain, where all of those tricks he employed couldn't cover up a pretty blah story. In my mind, at least.

[Alex Riviello]

I think Robocop is woefully misunderstood by the writer.

Hell of an understatement!

I don't get how you could not see the satire in the film. Way before its time, really.

[Rob]

This isn't a glorified opportunity, it's schlock. The first R-rated film I ever saw, but still mindless drivel. Doesn't Brett Ratner need some franchise to shit on? I mean, a guy turning into slush after a dip in a sewage bath and a face-to-face with an errant auto can't be the cinematic level Darren's reaching for. Surely not. So please, someone tell me this has been redacted. Please.


Was that apathy or some attempt at an insult? In which case, may I suggest you use the expected nerd response, FAIL! when attempting said insult next time. Perhaps I wouldn't mistake it for laziness.

I'd attempt some witty retort about how you totally missed the point with Robocop, but you know what? Fuck it.
http://so23.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/vader-fail1.jpg

[Jake]

haha, oh wow

[Fat Elvis]

I think Mickey Rourke is woefully misunderstood by the writer.

[Rob]

Yeah, I only read that blog post of his, but that gave me all I needed to know.

Pass.

[Sam Strange]

I'm 100% with Kevin Matchstick on this one.

Robocop's one of my favorite movies of all time. Apparently, the director you love so much likes it too. Maybe there's more to the film than you and your monocle think.

[Sean Gardner]

Well then, perhaps it's time for me to thank you, talkbackers, for playing your cards as expected. An epic fail has been issued, threats of non-readership noted and apparently my love of all things nerd called into question due to a lack of Robocop and/or Mickey Rourke love.

Perhaps my next post, about how graphic novels are for teenagers, Star Wars is for retards and collectible movie action figures are for retarded teenagers. No, I won't go there. Or maybe I will, just to invoke the rage of the interwebs.

Anyway, thanks for reading. And do, or you know, don't read any and all previous posts.

[Sean Gardner]

Jakespeare - Touche and a hearty laugh on my end. Thanks for the check.

Sam - They're more Coke bottle than monocle, but your point is noted, perhaps a cleaning is in order, not to mention a refresher course in RoboCop. After all, I do love me some Veerhoeven, it's just that my tastes lean toward the Starship Troopers end of the spectrum. But to be fair, we're comparing the guy who did Pi, Requiem and The Fountain to the director of Basic Instinct and Showgirls. There are undisputed differences in taste and style between the men. Unless my monocle is that fucked up.

[Gabe Powers]

Seriously I was just talkin' here. I just wanted to offer a fellow film fan an opposing view on a film. Sorry things got all angry, my posts are meant to be read in an even tone, minus any snip.

But if you DARE say ANYTHING bad about my Star Wars or my Star Wars toys I'll be forced to write you an angry email, possibly with some kind of nasty image attached.

I'm watching you Mr. (points at eyes and back at you).

[Jake]

No, fuck the concept of healthy dialogue. Gardner needs to lose some fingers, stat. It's what Verhoeven would want.

[Sam Strange]

I'm sorry I got all mad. I think the root of our argument is not Verhoeven, but Arnofsky. While I love The Fountain, I don't hold PI and Requiem nearly as high as you do. He's certainly a stand-out director, and I'm going to watch everything he does. But I just don't think something like this is such a step down for him. It's always interesting what happens when an artist takes on something more mainstream. Especially when the source material is already smarter than some people give it credit for.

Sarcasm free.

[Sean Gardner]

Ooo-wee! Never underestimate the power of nerd anger.

In all honesty, I enjoy a bit of dialogue, be it healthy or not so much, which has clearly been the case of late. Though my fingers are still, luckily, in tact, I welcome any and all comments and opinions, including suggestions of amputation. Since, you know, that's all a blog really is, an opinion and on a good day, an opinion with amputations. So thanks for the scuffle, I hope to cause a few more in my time here.

And I'm mostly kidding about the Star Wars and action doll snark. We all have our attachments (mine being scat porn), so who am I to judge? Thanks for reading.

[Sean Gardner]

I'm back after a sad, tearful break caused my insensitivity to the plight of RoboCop lovers. Perhaps my sci-fi short list can get some love. Let it begin.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1151/DISPATCHES-FROM-Science-Fiction.html

[Erix]

Watching Roddy Piper and Keith David kick the shit out of each other in an alley is one of the defining moments of my life.

Your list makes sense.

I see where you're coming from.

[Sean Gardner]

Except not. I mean, the film thing I get. That fight changed many lives, including apparently the South Park boys. The Boilivia thing however, that's crazy. And awesome.

[Sean Gardner]

In which I return, triumphant and with hopes of a bright, music drenched future.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1260/DISPATCHES-FROM-My-Super-Tuesday.html

[Sean Gardner]

Thanks for nudging me past 1,000. Now that I'm back in touch with normal computer access, you may be seeing more of me. Oh, stop it, I'm not that bad. Maybe.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1320/Dispatches-from-The-Fall.html

[Sean Gardner]

NYC, here I come... maybe. Someday.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1353/Dispatches-from-The-Grind.html

[Sean Gardner]

Yes We Can?

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1437/Dispatches-from-The-Recession-Depression.html

[Sean Gardner]

Who should play the boy wonder? I make predictions. And wild speculative remarks that will in no way have any bearing on anything that happens in the casting process.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1467/Dispatches-from-Robin039s-Jockstrap.htmlmake

[Sean Gardner]

A few of my thoughts regarding some of the more "what the fuck?" nominations this morning.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1533/Dispatches-from-The-Oscars.html

[Sean Gardner]

Tired of your choices? Try these. Or go see Paul Blart, you fucking asshole.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1569/Dispatches-from-The-Film-Graveyard.html