DVD RACK: A TRADITION OF DEFENSE – THE CHICAGO BEARS

BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Warner Home Video
MSRP: $26.98
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 150 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:

  • Papa Bear: George Halas
  • Finding Your Inner Butkus

The Pitch

‘Da Bears.

The Humans

Cast: The Chicago Bears

The Nutshell

One of the most dominating defenses of all time is broken down, position by position.


Before…

The Lowdown

This DVD is possibly the definitive Chicago Bears presentation.

On
the first disc is NFL films presentation of the Chicago Bears defense.
The feature is a listing of the All-Team Chicago Bears defensive unit.
The presentation doesn’t just include the top 11 Chicago Bears defensive
players of all-time but also goes into detail on a number of the
runners up. For every Steve “Mongo” McMichael that makes the team there
is a Brian Urlacher or Tommie Harris on the outside looking in. This
entire feature is a celebration of one of the NFL’s all time dominant
defenses.

The footage is spectacular, as expected from NFL
Films. During the 70-minute documentary, NFL Films presents the viewer
with some of the best Chicago Bears footage you will ever see. The
second DVD in the set features a part of the 2007 countdown of the
greatest Super Bowl teams in NFL history. Ranked second place in the
countdown was the 1985 Chicago Bears.

This 45-minute look at the
1985 season tracks the highs and lows (although there were very few
lows that season) of Mike Ditka’s greatest team. The feature is a great
look at a legendary team and brought back a lot of memories for me. I
was 15 when ‘Da Bears won this Super Bowl and the team’s march to the
Super Bowl remains engrained in my memory as a true football dynasty.

How
many people knew the reason Ditka played William “The Refrigerator”
Perry at running back was to seek revenge against Bill Walsh’s The San
Francisco 49ers, who Ditka felt disrespected them the previous year?


After…

The Package

There
are two features, one over George Halas (17:25) and the other over an
artist who specializes in Dick Butkus (11:12). Both are shorter but
still interesting looks at two of the Bears’ all time greats. The audio
and video are great, especially the work done on the classic footage.
Nothing less should be expected from NFL Films.

8.0 out of 10





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DVD RACK: HILLS, THE – SEASON 5 PART 2


BUY FROM AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: MTV
MSRP: $19.99
RATED: Unrated
RUNNING TIME: 220 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:
• The Bitch is Back featurette
• After Show Remixes
• Deleted Scenes


The Pitch

Those people from The Soup in their own spin-off.

The Humans

Kristin Cavallari, Audrina Patridge, Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Stephanie Pratt, Brody Jenner, Justin Brescia, Lo Bosworth.

The Nutshell

Following the departure of series regular Lauren Conrad, The Hills: Season 5 Part 2 picks up with the reintroduction of Laguna Beach‘s Kristin Cavallari. Kristin’s return sends shock waves through The Hills community. Elsewhere Spencer and Heidi return from their honeymoon and try to adjust to married life. Justin-Bobby grows a beard.

The Lowdown


Say what you will about reality TV, it’s explosion in popularity has certainly defined the current generation of television programming almost as much as the serialized drama. Of all the pseudo-documentary shows out there, The Hills is either the most beloved, or the most hated, depending on which side of the couch you’re sitting on. Most of my knowledge of this series came from the snippets I used to see weekly on The Soup, or from what I would over hear the girls I hang out with talking about at the bar on the weekends. Honestly I could never quite wrap my head around how any of this stuff was even supposed confused as “reality”. Once two people enter a room with a camera crew all semblance of normality should go right the fuck out the window. The Hills: Season Five Part Two has shown me that yes, there is still some “reality” left in this type of television and no, the show is undeserving of the venom it’s so richly lavished in by it’s detractors.

I’m sure a scene like this would’ve never happened between two straight girls at a bar had TV cameras not been present.


If there was a shark to be jumped with this show, The Hills: Season 5 Part 2 would be the point at which it was jumped. Series regular Lauren Conran left the show after finally having enough of the drama and bullshit that comes with having every aspect of your life documented by MTV, and was replaced with Laguna Beach (the show The Hills was originally a spin-off of) star Kristin Cavallari. The focus of the show shifted from “young girls making their way in the fashion industry” to the Audrina/Kristin/Justin-Bobby love triange. Spencer and Heidi also took on a much larger role trying to navigate their way through the pitfalls of being newlyweds. Throw in a trip to Vegas and Heidi’s sister Holly developing a most excellent drinking problem and that’s season 5 part 2 in a nutshell. There’s only 10 episodes here and at 20 minutes a pop so time flies.

Much has been made about how much of this show is real and how much is staged. It’s both. In episode 2 Kristin and Justin-Bobby are at a club with several cast members. Editing would have you believe the club is populated with several Hills regulars, including Justin-Bobby’s ex Audrina. As the episode draws to a close the music swells and Kristin and Justin-Bobby start making out in the DJ both. Right before the credits roll we’re treating to a montage of reaction shots from other Hills members overlooking the whole scene, including Audrina. Then episode 3 starts with another girl having breakfast with Audrina, telling her about the kiss. Audrina is shocked and sickened to hear this the morning after…because she wasn’t there. Episode 2 lied, or at least was edited misleadingly. Did the kiss happen? Yes. Did it happen like they portrayed it, under those exact circumstances with all parties present? No. I hope y’all caught that because I’m not doing any more play by play examples of this shit. It makes my fucking head hurt.

But that right there is the line the show straddles. Things are editing for effect, and having a camera crew in the room will always cause people to act differently then how they would in complete privacy, but things like infidelity and heartbreak are real enough in everyday life to where they don’t need to be staged. The Hills is best when it captures that. People behaving badly. You don’t need to be rich and famous to understand Brody Jenner’s frustration toward his Playboy Playmate girlfriend Jayde. She’s high maintenance. Every dated a high maintenance chick before? They’re all the same, bunny or no bunny. Ever had someone get with your ex? Ever had an ex use you for sex? This kinda stuff is the crux of the show and is why it was so beloved at the time. It’s why all reality shows are popular. Take people that on the surface live way differently than you, and show how alike we all really are. A family of midgets is still a family. Same rules still apply.

Spencer and Heidi are a completely different story…



Fail


Their “plotline” reeks of bullshit. At one point Heidi attempts to trick Spencer into impregnating her. He stumbles onto her plan and a chess match between Aryan mongoloids ensues. It’s no accident these two became the face of the show, as they tend to act the most sensational. All human drama elements go right out the fucking window and you suddenly start hating these people for being rich and living in LA. It’s a shame too, because the rest of the cast and story really do manage to shake off that “rich white kids” vibe. I’m firmly convinced that you could take all non-Speidi elements of the show, transport them to Minneapolis, and have the kids work in bars and play in bands and the counter-culture demographic would eat that shit up. The dudes on The Hills all have beards and wear trucker hats anyway, you’d just have to Betty Page up the chicks a bit and they’d be a perfect fit. Spencer and Heidi take the show from “I know what he/she is going through” into “I can’t believe he/she just said/did that!” territory. Ultimately I think that’s why the show failed. The Hills would see just one more abbreviated season after this, and you get the feeling it was Spencer and Heidi’s shenanigans that signed the death certificate.

The Hills is not the worst thing in the world. It’s not humanity at it’s lowest. These people do not deserved to be slaughtered. Whether or not you find it entertaining it based on personal taste. I hate to use the line “you already know if you’re into this or not” but if there’s ever an instance where it’s applicable this is it. The Hills is the 800lb gorilla of reality TV, and it holds that title for a reason. Strip away the classism and your feelings about LA and you have a show about kids in their early 20’s acting like idiots, drinking and fucking too much, and being horrible to one another. Either you can relate or you can’t. It’s entertainment value is directly proportionate to how you spent your youth.


SoCal male model or Midwestern ‘Bright Eyes’ enthusiast? Here’s a hint; he rides his bike everywhere.


The Package

There’s a decent amount of special features here, with varying degrees of relevancy. The deleted scenes are boring and add little insight to the show. It’s interesting to consider though that if this show is truly being shot as a documentary, there should be literally hundreds of hours of this crap lying around. Why they picked these 10 three minutes clips is beyond me.The Bitch is Back featurette is basically just an interview with Kristin Cavallari on The Hills After Show just prior to this seasons premier. Lo Bosworth and Frankie Delgado also make an appearance and it’s funny to see how awkward these folks are on live television. They’ve spent the past six years of their life with camera crews following them around, documenting their every conversation and drunken escapade, yet get them in front of a live studio audience and they totally lose their shit. The After Show remixes are easily the most entertaining of the bunch, and feature various moments from the season edited together for humorous effect.

 6.0 out of 10





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DVD RACK: WIGGLES – BIG BIG SHOW

BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Warner Home Video
MSRP: $14.98
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 86 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:

  • Prelude to the Show
  • Music Clips
  • Photo Gallery

The Pitch

It’s a live music show geared towards kids.

The Humans

Music Composed By: The Wiggles

Cast: The Wiggles

The Nutshell

The Wiggles perform all their hits for a live audience.


Grizzly Park: The Musical

The Lowdown

I have to admit I had only heard of The Wiggles thanks to them being mentioned on Scrubs. I assumed they might be something my son would like and figured it was worth a try.

He loves stuff like this and is entertained by good, fun music, so when I put the DVD in the player and “Big Red Car” started playing, I figured this was a good selection. Hell, “Big Red Car”was the song name dropped in the Scrubs episodes!

I was sorely disappointed.

The Big Big Show DVD is a concert of the group performing live. There were a ton of kids in the audience, standing on their chairs and dancing along with the music. My son wasn’t interested, which makes me happy because this was not a fun experience to watch on TV.

Maybe you just had to be there.

For those uninitiated, such as myself, The Wiggles started working together in 1991 in Sydney, Australia. It makes since why I never heard of them because I turned 21 in 1991, so I missed the boat on this one. I am sure a lot of readers here might have fond memories since you were kids in the band’s heyday. You might like this better than I did.

The group performed all their hit songs and the kids at the show loved it. I can understand why they are popular to younger kids so, if you have one, give it a try. I just don’t plan to pop it back in for my son anytime soon. This just wasn’t entertaining to me.


The joke from Scrubs was more entertaining than actually watching it live.

The Package

There are two special features on the DVD, a live show prelude and a song clip from “Clean Your Teeth.” There is also a photo gallery. The video quality is average and there are too many long shots from the back of the audience where they should have kept the cameras focused on the stage show for the kids at home to watch. The sound was just fine for a live performance.


4.0 out of 10





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HATCHET II (FF REVIEW)

The first Hatchet, viewed at home and without the company of others, was
for yours truly, akin to a root canal. Billed as a return to “old
school American horror,” Hatchet was the story of a retarded mutant
ghost named Victor Crowley who is cursed to wander a Louisiana swamp for
all eternity, hacking up all of the tourists, teenagers and senior
citizens who cross his path. To say that I was not a fan is an
understatement, but I was easily in the minority; most horror fans
seemed to dig the films film’s throwback approach and its practical gore
effects, forgiving the lack of a coherent story, likable characters and
a sense of humor that would appeal to anyone outside of the third
grade.

And with that out of the way…

Hatchet 2 is a significantly
better film than its predecessor, the main improvement being that it’s
not completely and totally unwatchable. I felt attacked by the firstHatchet . I was able to sit back and just let the sequel happen in front
of me, even if I wasn’t particularly enjoying it.

The story picks up directly where the first one ended, with Marybeth
(Danielle Harris) narrowly escaping from Crowley (Kane Hodder), getting
to safety and then returning to retrieve the eviscerated bodies of her
family with a team of gun-toting rednecks and an overacting Tony Todd in
tow. Violence happens. Roll credits.

Writer/director Adam Green’s improvement as a filmmaker are evident
from frame one of the film. The (potentially intentional) sloppy
filmmaking of Hatchet is gone and the sequel is pretty slick production,
a;though it maintains the cardboard-and-glue quality of the ’80s horror
it’s paying tribute to. Tonally, Hatchet 2 is almost identical to the
first film, with the 85 minute running time consisting of nothing dick
jokes, boobs, dismemberments and intestinal strangulations, but Green’s
pacing has improved substantially, meaning that whether you like it or
not, Hatchet 2 starts moving at frame one and never slows down until the
credits roll.

That’s the nicest things I can say about Hatchet 2, I suppose. It’s over fast enough to not hurt too much.

By
making a niche film for a niche audience, it’s obvious that Green has
the best of intentions and considering how well the screening went over,
he’s found a fanbase on the same wavelength as himself. For me, though,
the trashy horror films of yesteryear are fun because they represent
the antithesis of quality. They’re a product of their time and place and
whether they were made as cynical cash-grabs or by a filmmaker honestly
trying to make a classic, it’s their lack of self awareness that makes
them so watchable.

But when you take the elements of ’80s horror (hulking slasher
villain, bimbo characters, weak story and no discernible style) and
recreate them with a wink, you lose the honesty that makes bad schlock
fun in the first place. You’re just celebrating shitty filmmaking. I’m
all for watching characters get torn in half or decapitated by a madman
in a swamp, but I’d like a little style, wit or substance with my gore,
thank you very much.

Hatchet 2 is more of the same, more of that “old school American horror.” I’ll just look to the future, thank you very much.

3/10






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RARE EXPORTS (FF REVIEW)

Yes, Rare Exports is a killer Santa Claus movie.
Sadly, that’s going to be the albatross around its neck as it fights to
find an audience outside of its native Finland. I say “Killer Santa
Claus” and you automatically reply “Silent Night Deadly Night” and then
we both get sad because Silent Night Deadly Night tends to do that to
people.

Rare Exports is not Silent Night Deadly Night. The killer Santa
Claus at the center of the film is not some psychopath in a Santa Claus
costume but Santa Claus himself. Or at least the Santa Claus of the old,
Finnish myths, where he wasn’t a jolly fat man who brings toys to good
children, but a monstrous demon who abducts and tortures bad children.

This is the Santa an excavation team accidentally digs up from a
tomb in the remote countryside. This is the Santa that kills the entire
team and makes his way to a nearby town, where only a young boy named
Pietari (Onni Tommila) realizes what terrible danger the entire child
populace is in. With Christmas just around the corner, Pietari must
convince his father and friends that Santa is not only real, but a
vicious fairy tale monster who has every intention of teaching the local
youth that Christmas is not about love and caring but about being
whipped to death for not behaving.

Director Jalmari Helander makes the right decision and plays the
whole scenario with a straight face. It would have been easy for this
movie to be campy and silly, to be ashamed of its own strange concept.
The final tone is delicate, finding a fine line between horror movie and
adventure story. The film feels like the best 1980s throwback made
without ever feeling too much like a 1980s throwback. Rare Exports is
the best Joe Dante movie that Joe Dante never made.

And that’s why it’s such a remarkable little movie: it’s scary
without being disturbing, gory without being too violent and edgy
without being too precious. If not for the absurd amount of old man
penis (and no, that’s not a typo), Rare Exports would be the perfect
movie for the young horror buff in-the-making and a perfect new
Christmas tradition for families that like good things. After all,
underneath the horror tropes, you’ve got a movie about family and love
and learning to stand up for yourself and all of the other important
messages you should be drilling into your kids’ heads. Hell, even the
child protagonist turns out to be something of a badass, a ten year old
kid who I have no problem rooting for.

If something doesn’t work for Rare Exports, it’s the truncated third
act, obviously stripped down due to budgetary constraints, which may
feel like something of a whimper after the 90 minutes of sheer dread
that preceded it. Of course, then the epilogue rolls around and supplies
the movie with the most delightful coda imaginable and all is forgiven.

Taking full advantage of its isolated mountainside setting, Rare Exports is a beautifully shot film, making its location a character unto
itself. Too many low-budget horror films (and more than a few at
Fantastic Fest) feel like they cobbled together in the editing room out
of whatever handheld close-ups they managed to grab on the set. Rare Exports looks like a real movie, taking a note or two from John
Carpenter’s The Thing and making the snowbound small-town location reek
of dread.

If Helander wants to make an entire career out of taking taking
fairy tale characters, tracing them back to their terrifying roots and
building a horror movie around them, I’d be overjoyed. This is something
special, one of the most beloved films at Fantastic Fest this year and a
future cult classic.

Not to mention, this is a killer Santa Claus movie. You’re a CHUD.com reader. Why would you not see this movie?

9/10






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EMMA THOMPSON MAKES MEN IN BLACK 3 A CUP OF TEA

I will say this for the completely and utterly unneccessary Men in Black 3 — it’s definitely casting upwards.  According to THR’s Heat Vision,  the delightful Emma Thompson has joined the cast which includes Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin (be still my heart), and Jemaine Clement (be still my heart, again.)

Thompson, being very posh and British, will of course be placed in a position of authority. She will be playing the head of the MIB, Agent Oh.  If they go very meta, and put her on the phone with MI6’s Dame Judi Dench’s M, I will be very impressed.

Though Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones are returning, most of the film reportedly takes place in 1969 with  Brolin (be still my heart) playing a younger version of Jones’ Agent Kay.  So that means everyone is going to be decked out in snazzy mod suits, which is awesome.  It also means they can save money on make-up by leaving Clement’s sideburns intact.

Do they still need a pug? Mine is just waiting for his close-up, and would look fantastic in a sharkskin suit.






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BEN AFFLECK COULD BE KEEPIN' IT GANGSTER

Saw Gone Baby Gone.  Loved it.  Saw The Town.  Also loved it.  Even when Ben Affleck was at his lowest in public opinion and/or support, I was never one to be on the dogpile.  I thought the guy always had more gas in the tank, despite that three-year run or so after The Sum of All Fears.  Glad to see that he’s been able to come back in a big way with these last two films.  Apparently so is Warner Bros.  Vulture has it that Affleck has already been offered his next directing gig by the studio: Tales From the Gangster Squad

The film details the exploits of L.A.’s unofficial squad of cops whose mission it was to try to give notorious gangster Mickey Cohen a trip down Mulholland Falls (i.e. get him to leave town) in the 1940s.  Former-cop-turned-novelist and Castle writer, Will Beall, reportedly adapted the screenplay from a series of 2008 L.A. Times articles by reporter Paul Lieberman.  At this point, Affleck is only said to be in talks to direct.  He’s due to star in Terence Malick’s next film for 2012 and may also be in consideration to direct Homeland, a pilot about a sleeper cell and an ex-CIA operative for Showtime.

(Just curious, any chance he could reboot Daredevil himself, starring himself, written by Frank Miller and himself and produced by himself?  Did you see how shredded the guy still was in The Town? Pretty sure he could get Jennifer Garner back.  And no Evancescence bullshit.  Just sayin’, I didn’t hate on the Daredevil Director’s Cut.  Justputtingitouttherepleasedon’thateme…) 






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CHRIS PINE TO BE WELCOMED BY PEOPLE?

Chris Pine is in talks to re-team with Star Trek co-writer, Alex Kurtzman, in Kurtzman’s directorial debut, Welcome To People, says THR.  The film follows a man who must deliver $150,000 in cash to an
alcoholic sister he didn’t know he had after the death of their father.
Without telling her who he is, the guy also gets involved in the life
of her angry 12-year-old son.
  Kurtzman and partner, Roberto Orci, wrote the script with relative newcomer, Joy Lambert.  Kurtzman and Orci will be producing as well.

Pine will next be seen in Unstoppable in November with Denzel Washington and is currently filming McG’s This Means War.  He also has Roland Joffe’s Singularity upcoming and will be appearing in George Clooney’s next directorial effort, Farragut North, with Clooney, Evan Rachel Wood, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti and Marisa Tomei in 2011.  That film is based on the book by Beau Willmon (who also write the script) and concerns a crash course in dirty politics for a new staffer on a presidential candidate’s campaign trail.






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DVD REVIEW: BRAINJACKED

BUY FROM AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Unearthed Films
MSRP: $14.99
RATED: NOT RATED
RUNNING TIME: 90 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:

  • None


The Pitch

What if Goosebumps had gratuitous nudity, sex, violence, and a love of 90’s cyber-punk?

The Humans

Director: Andrew Allan
Writer: Andrew Allan, Andy Lalino
Cast: Chris Jackson, Somali Rose, Rod Grant, and Christopher Sarlls.


Roomin’ with Nick Oliveri was a different breed of reality show.

The Nutshell

Tristan (Jackson) is a sullen teen from a broken home. All he wants in life is some direction and respite from his chronic migraines, so when the smooth-talking Doctor Karas (Grant) offers him a cure through his special “treatment”, everything seems wonderful. However, as Tristan becomes swept up in Karas’s mysterious underworld of troubled teens, a distinct air of danger and cult-like insanity begins to emerge.

There’s also the little matter of the Doctor’s secret, brainwashing drill hand which he likes to shove into people’s skulls to consider.

The Lowdown

Brainjacked comes on like the lovechild of Hackers and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978.) The lovechild of Hackers and Invasion of the Body Snatchers written and directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, to be precise; all pumping, dated techno music and corny action. There are more than a few scenes straight out of the Final Draft Handbook’s twist section, too. If someone appears genuine and, above all, not totally evil, there’s usually a DUN DUN DUUUUUUN reveal to the contrary. Director Andrew Allan and co-writer Andy Lalino must be huge fans of The X-Files, because “trust no-one” might as well be flashing across the screen at all times.

While I didn’t see all of Chris Carter’s series or both its big-screen outings, I don’t remember Mulder and Scully meeting a “Doctor” who drills open people’s heads in order to control them. Advantage: Brainjacked? Not quite.


With crowds at their concerts getting increasingly out of hand, the Jonas Brothers insisted on handling backstage security themselves.

At its heart, there’s a decent if unoriginal premise. Using brainwashing as a metaphor for suburban conformity fits the film’s rebellious, coming of age tone nicely, and, in Dr. Karas, the film has a villain straight out of the Dr. Herbert West school for bonkers physicians (always a plus.) Karas is a repugnant man who uses his mind control remote to make youngsters kill their parents and girls fancy him so the stage is clearly set for Tristan to tell the not so good Doc exactly where he can stick his quick fix to life’s problems. Although handled in a less than bravura fashion, there’s definite evolution when Tristan finally grows a pair. An early moment or two spell out the “don’t take drugs, kids!” message a little too clearly, but the film’s target audience are probably too hepped up on goofballs to notice.

Fun Brainjacked fact: Dr. Problems says his drill process is called “trepanation”; I say “Black and Decker wouldn’t approve of you misappropriating their wares, sir!”

The performances, like the production values, are what you’d expect from a “B” sci-fi/horror film. Chris Jackson doesn’t breathe new life into the angst-ridden teen archetype, but he isn’t its worst offender either (hello, Jake Ryan of Sixteen Candles!) Jackson also deserves credit for steering clear of the obvious “emo” angle lesser actors would have resorted to. Tristan’s not a weedy wiseguy or hulking simpleton. He’s just a regular kid angry at the world and Jackson never lets us forget that by keeping his colouring well within the “SHUT UP, MOM!” lines. Somali Rose is merely adequate as Laney, Tristan’s generic love-interest. Like Jackson, the script cuts Rose’s work out for her. There’s nothing new about the way these kindred spirits come together, yet the pair’s chemistry carries the film through worse moments.


Peak (Mal)Practice 

Every time Rod Grant’s Dr. Karas appears is one of these worse moments. When he starts “menacing” people, it’s brutal for character and viewer alike. It’s not Grant’s fault he doesn’t look convincingly evil. Nor is it his fault that he can’t deliver dialogue or frown without smiling. It’s Andrew Allan’s for allowing him to play the villain in his film. Grant simply doesn’t have the chops to convince as a silver-tongued maniac (especially, when spouting the medical hokum regarding his procedures) and anyone in their right mind would see through it immediately. There’s not a home or headache in the world awful enough to make someone that stupid. The idea that this white-coated Pied Piper could dupe his way to global control is nothing short of preposterous so it’s a good thing the film’s ambitious ideas are kept to a small scale instead of a global one.


It was a disappointing enrollment day at Professor Xavier’s less prestigious School For Sleepy Children.

Incredibly, Grant’s not the worst offender. Dr. Karas’s crimes against thespianity are dwarfed by those of Chirstopher Sarlls’s Zane, the ex-patient turned vigilante. Sarlls starts off at an immediate disadvantage; poor screenwriting means that he’s alluded to early on, only to be shoved in during the pacey second act. That said, Sarlls does nothing to help himself by growling his way through dialogue like there’s no tomorrow. His Anti-Hero voice is so ridiculously deep and affected it makes Christian Bale’s Batman seem restrained. If that sounds at all like hyperbole played for laughs, I assure you it isn’t. Allan’s film was beginning to conquer its budgetary and narrative limitations, until Zane finally showed up. Once he does, everything becomes 100% funnier because he’s always barking and scowling lines like “IT’S TIME TO TURN IN YOUR BADGE!” before beating a policeman to death. It’s tonally out of place and an irreparable narrative blow.

Andrew Allan makes the best of his modest budget, even managing to wrangle a few impressive shots during Tristan and Laney’s chase sequence. Surprises are few; even the aesthetic palette of black, red, green, and lots more black is thoroughly, unmistakably cyber-punk. The film ends rather abruptly, in search of a shock like that of An American Werewolf in London. It’s also a convenient excuse for a post-credit sequel set-up. What these ideas lack in quality, they make up for with heart. In this type of flick, that goes a long way.


Joe Stainface never suspected the very soundproof Bose headphones he loved so dearly would be his undoing.

There’s a surprising amount of decent practical gore, for such a small film. Almost every moment of “surgery” the “Doctor” performs is wince-inducing. Gooey chunks of flesh fly left and right, culminating in a memorable scene where someone actually sheds all their skin for a ruddy, dripping skeletal husk. An eye is gouged, a heart is ripped out through someone’s back, but the greatest moment of all is reserved for the climactic battle with Dr. Feelawholelotworse. Let’s just say it’s not every day you see a man drill his face into crater-shaped oblivion. Kudos, then, to respected special effects artists Marcus Koch and Mark Angenola (The Uh-oh Show) for delivering these moments with real aplomb. If you’re the kind of person who enjoys watching a frozen face being smashed to pieces or someone’s eyeballs popping like two macabre water balloons (and, let’s face it, if you’re reading CHUD, there’s a good chance you are)* you’ll find something to enjoy here.

* If you identified the two kill examples above, congratulations! You have good taste in horror movie fatalities. If you didn’t:

  1. How did you find this place?
  2. Do yourself a favour and watch Jason X & Re-Animator. Well, maybe just watch that one bit from Jason X, but definitely watch Re-Animator.

The Package

‘Tis a screener so there’s no trailer or anything but the film itself to report on. Lack of special features notwithstanding, the A/V side of this disc is a bit of a mixed bag. Picture quality fares best; even with so many dark sequences, the film comes through crisp and clear. Sound quality is less successful. The few moments without dialogue or dodgy gloomcore dance music in the movie feature an odd crackling sound similar to white noise. It’s not bad enough to make the film unwatchable (if Rod Grant and Christopher Sarlls couldn’t do that, nothing can) but it is distracting enough to take the viewer out of the experience for a few seconds, something a picture like Brainjacked can ill afford.

3.5 out of 10

Don’t play around with power tools on the CHUD message boards! Somebody could get hurt.






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THE SOCIAL NETWORK (REVIEW – RENN’S TAKE)

The Social Network is the kind of high-dollar, classy filmmaking that validates every moment of excitement felt by movie fans when a visionary director is gifted with great resources. In the case of David Fincher and his latest film, those resources include a wonderful screenplay by Aaron Sorkin, a stellar cast led to perfection by Jesse Eisenberg, and the flawless results of the behind-the-scenes master craftspeople with a budget for a detailed realization of their vision. When all of these elements come together to tell an interesting story, the themes of which resonate both universally and in our real-time lives, you get a film like The Social Network– a movie that would be among the best of any release year, even if it’s not quite, perfect.

Mark Zuckerberg is an equally brilliant and spiteful Harvard kid who is pitched a great idea, and develops from it an even better idea of his own. The Social Network explores the ambition behind that idea by expertly weaving a narrative out of the birth, explosive development, and eventual fallout of the Facebook. Center to the film is the loss of Mark’s only friend and first financial backer Eduardo Saverin, which results in one of the many nasty lawsuits Zuckerberg is juggling. Facebook has been involved in one legal battle or another for nearly all of its brief existence, and the script uses these litigious proceedings as the bedrock of the complex story. This is an environment Sorkin is comfortable in, and he manages to make half a dozen people sitting around a conference table some of the most entertaining scenes of the film. Sorkin’s chewy, crackling dialogue is delivered with pitch perfection by dozens of performers that make it hard to choose a standout. A scene between the President of Harvard and the Winklevoss twins (a miraculous dual-performance from Armie Hammer) makes you wish your life could be scripted by Sorkin. Every sentence is a treat to listen to, as the surprisingly good-humored and cavalier Harvard President essentially fucks with two students while they try to convince him their idea has been stolen. That’s only one example among dozens.

Jesse Eisenberg is gifted with a character that, while written too funny and sharp to ever be completely unlikeable, requires a delicate balance of nastiness. The young actor steps up to the challenge with remarkable poise. Far from employing any kind of routine stuttering awkwardness, Mark Zuckerberg as portrayed by Eisenberg is a matter-of-fact, verbal whirlwind of a character whose every word drips with intellectualism and vulnerability. The real life Zuckerberg could only dream of being this interesting to simply watch exist. It is a truly great performance, and deserving of every bit of attention that it receives.

The craft on display here is equally as powerful as the characters on screen. In typical Fincher fashion, The Social Network is intricately choreographed, and highly detailed, all shot by talented Director of Photography Jeff Cronenweth (also his D.P. on Fight Club and The Game). The production design, the authenticity of the coding sequences, the haunting drama pulled from the very walls of the locations, and the indulgent-yet-effective use of cutting edge tech to enable something like Armie Hammer’s dual-performance (he plays Cameron Winklevoss entirely, and then had his performance grafted from the shoulders up onto another actor for Tyler) all scream Fincher without overtaking the film. The only time Fincher threatens to overplay his bag of tricks is in a crew-race that is shot in the recently popular “tilt-shift” style, which shifts the focal plane and layers the focus in such a way to make everything in frame seem miniaturized. Fincher uses the technique so that he can combine footage from different locations for a seamless sequence, and it works as a brief interlude, even if it feels more than a little masturbatory.

The crew-race scene is also notable for a particularly standout track –a digital, yet ragged arrangement of “In The Hall of the Mountain King”– from the excellent score. The music of The Social Network is a sophisticated, modern electronic soundscape that from Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross that, while as dark you might expect, is surprisingly upbeat and catchy (the result of Reznor very occasionally dipping into his recent instrumental output for melodies). The coding sequences allow the music to really shine, and along with the masterful editing and energized camera, make extremely tedious work interesting to witness as an overall process. While it is a distinctively digital arrangement that lacks any traditional orchestration, it feels natural and organic with a frayed edge to it- this is no cheap, silly synth score. The sound design is at a similar level of near-perfection, and could very well win the film an Oscar based solely on a perfectly audible conversation set in an explosively loud club. It fits beautifully with an edit that deftly shifts between time and place without resorting to cheap tricks to let us keep up- everything just works. This is the level of craft that we expect from one of our most technically proficient filmmakers, and it is married fitly to Sorkin’s rich script which does a great job of filling in the emotional deficiencies that sometimes trouble Fincher’s films.

While the film ultimately concludes that it is Mark’s nasty little insecurities that drive him to do great things, it wisely holds back from making too specific of judgments. Mark can be seen as a manipulative son of a bitch who has it out for his one friend for completely immature reasons, but the fact is that Eduardo is a doofus who doesn’t have the gumption to step outside of his understanding of how college, business, or revolutions should work. Andrew Garfield does a fine job of imbuing Eduardo with a heart-warming softness, but he can’t help but come across as a behind-the-times schoolboy attempting to keep up with forward thinking future-titans of technology. Eduardo’s foil is the mildly depraved Sean Parker who is the wandering founder of Napster that finds a new gig providing Zuckerberg with industry contacts. Parker is a partying hanger-on, but ultimately he has the eye for the future that confirms what Mark already knows; that Facebook is valuable because of something ephemeral and amorphous, and that it could potentially evolve forever, “like fashion.” Mark is often heard saying “we don’t know what it is” in reference to the Facebook idea, and it’s a wise choice on the part of the script. Facebook’s embryonic success was a result of exclusivity and prestige (I remember being excited to get my college email address for this very reason, back when the service was still college-only), a concept that has long since been discarded in favor of universal inclusiveness. The Facebook being created in this film is not the Facebook that is shaping the way human beings across this planet interact with one another now, and though he is probably afraid to suggest such a thing out loud, you can see in Mark’s eye that he is dreaming of that future.

The Social Network is already being hailed as a film “of its time” and this is certainly true in a number of ways. Sorkin’s script finds small, clever moments to invoke the concerns and issues that the hyper-connected social networking paradigm has raised- status updates are used against characters, allusions are made to the death of privacy, and the permanence of this great catalogue of our smallest transgressions is emphasized. But again, the Facebook of The Social Network only begins to scratch the surface of the brave new world it will later help to create. Instead, the film acknowledges these issues, but focuses on the characters and their struggles that, while applied to a very modern endeavor, are classic and universal. The thematic tapestry of the film is slightly clouded by its unwillingness to demonize any particular character- this story is far too complex and full of varying interests and shades of gray to do so. However, this mix of right and wrong never gives us a good foothold on where we’re heading and what the film is saying, which robs it of the clarity that would push it into instant masterpiece territory.

The greatest success of the film is managing to simultaneously lay bare the sad fuel of Zuckerberg’s fire, while never condemning him, and often rightly celebrating his vision. Fincher can’t help but make iconography out of Zuckerberg’s path to being the world’s youngest billionaire, but he never lets it stray too far from the reality that in order to build the biggest social network in human history, he had to tear apart his own. Fincher’s film is unquestionably great, and may yet grow into something more, but not because it is a time-capsule of any generation. The Social Network is great, simply because it is a brilliantly-told story about brilliant people.

9 out of 10






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