For the next hour-and-a-half you can visit eBay to bid on a visit to the set of Christopher Nolan’s Inception. All proceeds are benefitting The Pablove Foundation, which describes itself thusly:

The Pablove Foundation is named after Pablo Castelaz, the son of Dangerbird Records co-founder Jeff Castelaz and his wife Jo Ann Thrailkill. In May 2008, Pablo was diagnosed with bilateral Wilms’ Tumor. He underwent treatment at Childrens Hospital Los Angeles. On June 27, 2009, Pablo’s fight with cancer ended. We fight on in his name, with the spirit of love that Pablo embodied and inspired. The Pablove Foundation directly supports the pediatric cancer community in and around CHLA.

The bidding currently stands right at $3,000.00, but if you’ve got the scratch, it’s benefiting a great cause.

UPDATE: The final bid ended up at $3,650.00 – Congratulations to the winner and hope the coin goes to good use.

BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE
STUDIO: Warner Bros.
MSRP: $39.98
RATED: NR
RUNNING TIME: 343 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:

• Nip/Tuck: The Science of Beauty featurette
  
• Shiny box

The Pitch

Two plastic surgeons have a lot of sex, fix a lot of tissue, and have massive soap operas unfold around them.

The Humans

Directors: Brad Falchuk, Richard Levine, Lyn Greene, John Scott, Dirk Wallace Craft, Hank Chilton, Sean Jablonski
Creator: Ryan Murphy
Cast: Dylan Walsh. Julian McMahon. John Hensley. Roma Maffia. Kelly Carlson. Joely Richardson. Katee Sackhoff.
Guest Stars: Sharon Gless. Jennifer Coolidge. Dina Meyer. Portia de Rossi. Bradley Cooper. Morgan Fairchild. Richard Burgi. John Schneider.

I can’t figure why Paul Sorvino got so much flak for his work in Wes Borland: The Movie.

The Nutshell

More of the same. Does that work for you?

I am a fan of Nip/Tuck even though it is a show that is as on autopilot as a show can be. Having exhausted a slew of outrageous and admittedly fun subplots involving transgender love, serial killing, addiction, and other assorted taboo and benign issues, the show is entering its final season and this second half of season five seems to be about cooling off. Honestly, it’s a good choice. Either Nip/Tuck needs to get a little more about storytelling and character or totally give in to the loony bin stuff. The show has definitely gone past the watercooler portion of its life. The ratings were their lowest ever for the show with this chunk and had the sixth season not been planned as the last, it probably would have been regardless.

Either the doctors needed to become sentient rocket robots that deal out plastic justice from deep space or the show needed to calm down a little bit and become less senselessly sensational. Although I’d kill for the former, the latter allowed me to enjoy this meager little chunk of mindless entertainment a lot more than I thought I would.

It’s a surprise that Food Loop wasn’t accepted into the West Coast Coast Avengers.

Gone is the horrible nuclear family subplot for Dr. McNamara (Dylan Walsh). As good an actress as Joely Richardson is, and a damn good one she is, her character had long gotten abused and overused. Whether it be the volleyballing back and forth between the two men in her life, the silly dramas involving her children, her sperm-based medical products, or her new lesbian adventures the supporting wife character can only handle so much drama before just seeming like a cardboard cutout being maneuvered around the series at the whim of the creators. It’s different with the doctors, characters that get even more drama. They’re the main characters and able to handle more things dangled on them like baubles. It’s still silly, but where Richardson was once an integral part of the dynamic now she’s extraneous and the decision to move her and her daughter to the periphery is a good one.

Surprisingly, my least favorite character finally isn’t treated like a carnival sideshow for a change. John Hensley’s Matt, normally dished the silliest subplots, actually does a little growing up here [though I’ve seen two episodes of next season and he enrolls in Mime School, which may be sillier than when he got addicted to crank with Kelly Carlson’s Kimber character]. It’s good to have Matt serving as a more mature part of the story, because I’d have charlesed* the discs out the window had I been forced to ensure another “Matt’s batshit” subplot.

I have to admit that I’m ashamed to have missed the opening
weekend of the Broadway smash-up Patch Adams-Otik.

As is the norm, this eight episode segment features surgeries culled from real life, but the larger subplots involve Dr. Troy (Julian McMahon) finding out he has terminal cancer and thusly forging an unlikely relationship with their lesbian anesthesiologist (Roma Maffia). Surprisingly it’s pretty effective in both giving Maffia a chance to step from the shadows a little and in allowing the reptilian and self-centered Troy a little bit of emotional growth. And McNamara gets addicted to being a cripple!

Additionally, in preparing for changes at the office there are a few characters introduced that color the margins of the show nicely. Battlestar Galactica alum Katee Sackoff joins the show as an anesthesiologist who tries to push the boundaries of McNamara’s sexual potential. Hostel 2 vet Richard Burgi has a very odd and funny episode as a plastic surgeon who may serve as Troy’s replacement. Adhir Kalyan delivers a really good performance as a med student who interns with the doctors, a dude with some daddy issues.

It’s the perfect show to watch while you’re doing a bunch of shit that uses your brain. You certainly won’t need it for the show.

The Milton Bradley demo tests for Teeth: The Home Game went as expected.

The box art for this show is always really snappy and elegant, but sadly there’s very little else to get excited about. The included featurette (a female feature, if you didn’t know) basically features a variety of facial surgeons and experts determining what constitutes beauty. There’s actually a system in place with numbers and whatnot associated to regions of the face that helps determine this. It’s intriguing, but they forget to include the X-Factor.

So, do not buy this for the special feature.

7.0 out of 10

It’s phenomenal how much two little blue slippers can ruin a perfectly fine naked image.

* Chucked, SERIOUSLY.

Anything I could say about the disappointment that has been Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s career is pretty much summed up by this shit right here:

That is, of course, the poster for The Rock’s upcoming The Tooth Fairy.

However, if you still hold the idea of a new renaissance of action-hero centered thrill rides led in part by The Rock dear to your heart, you can feel a flutter of hope from the news that The Rock will again be putting foot to ass in the film Faster.

Originally a collaboration with Phil Joanou who directed The Rock-as-inspirational-coach film Gridiron Gang, the film will more likely be shot by George Tillman Jr. You probably don’t remember Tillman as the director who pissed all over Christopher Wallce’s story with the anemic Notorious.

Faster is a drama/action flick centered on a prison vet’s quest for revenge against the men who killed his brother during a caper-gone wrong ten years earlier. Assuming this gets put together in something more than DTV form, production will start in January for a 2010 release.

Source | Variety, Poster from IMPA Awards

Get it? Because Fock sounds like Fuck.

Six years later, Meet The Fockers will have its sequel to complete the epic comedy franchise. Once director Paul Weitz is through releasing Cirque Du Freak he will tackle the script by Meet The Parents alum John Hamburg.

Little Fockers will naturally rejoin Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro, Dustin Hoffman, Owen Wilson, Teri Polo and Barbara Streisand (assuming the whole of the previous cast returns, and a fat paycheck says they will) in a wacky comedy about wacky families doing wacky shit. Jessica Alba’s Ass has been cast as the Ass of a pharmacy representative that will pass by the male leads in slow-motion and illicit spit-takes and goofy looks. As the title suggests, there will be more fucking baby humor* (as if the success of The Hangover didn’t makes this a fait accompli already).

By this point, the Look Who’s Talking franchise was playing the animal protagonist card, so… I guess the Meet The Parents franchise has that going for it.

Source | Risky Biz Blog

*Not baby-fucking humor, which, well…. it would be different at least.

Thanks to Paul for sending me a link to this video from Splash News, taken on the set of Green Hornet. There’s a bunch of shots of explosions and stunts and then we get our first look at the Green Hornet costume. I’m not sure if it’s on Seth Rogen or a stunt double.

I like it. It’s real looking, handmade. And simple. Nice and simple. This might make Sony release official shots in the near future; I’d love to see a better picture.

Here’s the full video; there’s also a shot of Kato in here.

Monday September 28th may have been the best day of my life. By the end
of that day I had truly become a man. This is just part of that story;
the day would begin with Chick-Fil-A and machine guns and end with
boxing and beer. I’m the new Hemingway.

Before this week I had never fired a gun. Not a real one, anyway. I had
fired paintball guns and cap guns and water guns, but never a gun that
shot a bullet. And certainly not a gun capable of spraying out hundreds
of bullets in a fraction of a minute.

That all changed on Monday when, as part of a group of filmmakers and
journalists at Fantastic Fest, I traveled to Astro Shooting Village,
about 45 minutes north of Austin (on the way we stopped for Chick-Fil-A,
the delicious Christian chicken. Truly a perfect meal before shooting
guns). There I was allowed to play with a huge array of automatic
weapons the likes of which only military folks and movie villains
usually get to fire. Fuck starting with a .22 – I dived into guns with
both feet.

We were a big group. Folks like Kevin Kelly and William Goss of Cinematical were there, as well as filmmakers like The Human Centipede director Tom Six and House of the Devil director Ti West. There was a large group of Japanese folks – the stars and director and FX director of Robogeisha made
the trip. Seeing these two tiny Japanese girls (one of whom, by the
way, had been doing incredible pole dancing at some of the Fantastic
Fest parties) firing deadly weapons was utterly delightful.

The instructors at Astro Village were a mixed group of military and law
enforcement. All of the military had been in ‘The Sandbox,’ as they
called it, and some hinted at dark stories (“The Iraqi people are
great,” one of them said to me. “But they’re shit with gun safety. They
killed more on their own side because of it.” Another talked about how
he was zero for two when it came to patching wounded up in the field).
All were decked out in full gear: flack jackets, grenades, extra guns
and ammo, medical kits, knives. It was like they were ready for the
American Insurgency to begin at any minute.

But I shouldn’t paint these guys as crazy rednecks. Some were crazy (“I
sleep with three guns,” one told me. “A shotgun under the bed, a
carbine on the wall and a pistol under my pillow. I don’t make friends
easily.”) but they were all really nice, really helpful guys. We had
been warned that safety was paramount, and that if we pointed a weapon
at one of them we would be shot. But none of us so much as got yelled
at; they were actually sort of sweet. I don’t know if these hardened
gun nuts would rather have me say they were crazy or sweet. Somehow I
suspect they don’t want to be known as sweet.

As they gave us all the big safety speeches we heard the cracks of
gunshots from the next range over. There was just a berm of earth
between us and the other shooter, but the guys assured us we were safe.
It was all geometry, they told us, and ricochets and stray bullets from
that range could not hit us. That didn’t make me feel any better as I
heard the whizz and whine of a ricochet fly right over my head – every
single one of us in the Fantastic Fest group half ducked, finally
hearing at close range a sound we only knew from the movies. It was
fucking terrifying.

My first gun was the AK-47. I chose all my guns based on a simple
principal: I wanted to fire guns I had seen in movies or video games.
AK-47 is the gun, the weapon used in regional conflicts across
the globe and in every first person shooter. As my first gun experience
it was transcendent. I was scared walking up to the firing range,
unsure of how the gun would kick, what it would feel like, if it was
possible that I could shoot my own face with this thing. And when I
tapped the trigger and let loose a spray of targetless bullets I was
exhilarated, transported. I was become Shiva, the destroyer of worlds.

After firing an AK I understood how people in movies could let loose
entire clips and never hit the hero – that fucker shot everywhere but the
target. The first bullet sent the muzzle climbing to shoot at the sun,
it seemed, and attempts to adjust for that were always too much. I was
shooting too low and too high, never remotely getting near my target.

I also shot an HK-16, which I was told was pretty much the new M-16.
That gun had some firing pin problems, but the shots I was able to
squeeze out were wonderful. Next was a UMP, a really easy submachine
gun. That gun shot .45 bullets and had a nice three shot burst setting.
The Army wants you to shoot three bullet bursts, as they think anything
more reduces accuracy. The instructors kept trying to get me to do
three bullet bursts, but I find them easier to regulate on my Xbox
controller. In real life I would empty the mag in half a second while
intending to only fire three bullets.

Next was the G36 assault rifle. One of the main weapons in Call of Duty 4,
the G36 handled like a dream. I had my eye to the sight and my nose
filled with the powerful scent of gunpowder as the rifle spat out
bullets in a way that felt much more controlled than the crazy AK. I
don’t know if the guns were getting better or if I was, but after
shooting four guns I was starting to feel like maybe I had the hang of
it.

Me, Kevin Kelly and Will Goss looking dangerous.

Then I went for the combat shotgun. The instructor had a name for this
one: The Zombie Killer. It could have been called the Shoulder Killer,
since the fucker kicked like nobody’s business. But it also exploded
like nobody’s business. It was the most satisfying gun to shoot because
you fucking felt it and everybody heard it (by the way, speaking of
feeling it – there’s nothing like the weird bursts of pressure that you
feel standing next to someone shooting an automatic weapon. Each shot
is felt concussively in your body cavity). And I was best with it,
actually putting a hole dead center in the head of target. Take that,
you zombie fuckers.

At the end of the day, when everyone had shot their allotted ammo, the instructors got together and formed a 12 man fire squad. They wanted to display massive firepower and would advance upon the target while opening fire with everything  they had. This being a Fantastic Fest event, Tim League had something up his sleeve: Osama bin Laden targets. After the hundreds of rounds of ammunition were spent, we were able to go pick up the torn up targets as souvenirs.

Driving home I was exhausted and and full of glee. It had been a long
day – we were at the range for about three hours – and it had gone from
punishing sun to pouring rain again and again, but the elements only
added to the fullness of the experience. Fantastic Fest is so many
things – an amazing film festival, a great place to meet and network –
but above all it’s an incredible experience. For me Fantastic Fest is
about balancing the movies and the events, finding the exact right
center between seeing great films and doing incredible new things with
great people. I think Werner Herzog would dig Fantastic Fest because
it’s not just about sitting on your ass watching movies, it’s about
having experiences that inform and enrich your life.

The day wasn’t over – I would get an autograph from sleaze genius Jess
Franco later that night, then engage in a debate and boxing match in
the same ring where Dr. Uwe Boll would fight Fantastic Fest Father Tim
League – but those are stories for another time.

Keeping America safe: the entire Rambo 101 group. Click for the big version.

For more pics, visit the Original Alamo Flickr stream and Cinematical.

The mega success of The Hangover guarantees three things; we’re going to see a sequel (check), all of the principles are going to pick up, at minimum, a project or two (also check), and we’ll be seeing a lot of comedies centered on groups of men/women going places (definitely check).

Cedar Rapids is one of those post-Hangover comedies, built around Ed Helms, and has now added the wonderful John C. Reily to the cast. The film is about an insurance salesman (Helms) who must unexpectedly represent his firm at a large insurance convention. Helms, being from a small town, is overwhelmed with the experience and has the added pressure of making sure his coworkers stay in a job. So, The Hangoffice.

Reilly will be playing a teacher, pardon, insurance agent ready to escape his family and party at the convention. The film will be directed by Migeul Arteta who directed Youth In Revolt, as well as a bunch of TV (including an episode of The Office).

With a strong enough cast of comedians, anything that gets put together is likely to be entertaining- it’s what keeps these cynical cash grabbing attempts at success replication from being completely soul-crushing. That said, it’s a shame that we’re just going to get a growing list of “The Hangover with women. The Hangover meets The Office.” movies. Wouldn’t it be nice if all of the clout and cash that a success like The Hangover generates was funneled towards something new? The Hangover was fun, but it still has nothing on a film like Observe And Report, a definite comedy, but one that is just a little bit closer to the edge. Nearly all of these comedians have honest, dangerous, or weird sides that could inspire some classics, if a few of them can break through.

When Cedar Rapids was first announced, Variety mentioned that Helms is working with Warner Brothers on a comedy involving the Civil War… let’s hear something more about that.

Source | Variety, The Hollywood Reporter

BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Walt Disney Pictures
MSRP: $39.99
RATED: PG
RUNNING TIME: 99 min
SPECIAL FEATURES: 

• Bloopers
• Deleted Scenes
• Get to Know Bugsy the Big-Eyed Guinea Pig
• A Behind-the-Scenes Look at the Special Effects

The Pitch

It’s like Billy Madison with magic

The Humans

Director: Adam Shankman

Writer: Matt Lopez and Tim Herlihy

Cinematographer: Michael Barrett

Cast: Adam Sandler, Keri Russell, Guy Pearce, Russell Brand, Richard Griffiths, Teresa Palmer, Lucy Lawless, Courteney Cox, Jonathan Morgan Heit, Laura Ann Kesling, Jonathan Pryce

The Nutshell

Skeeter is a down on his luck handy man working for his father’s old hotel. The new owner of the hotel promises Skeeter will always have a place there but when it is announced a new hotel would be replacing the old one, Skeeter is passed over as the new general manager. When he gets the opportunity to babysit his sister’s kids, he finds the bedtime stories he tells them begin to come true. He uses this as an opportunity to maneuver himself back into the fight for the management position.

The Lowdown

Bedtime Stories is a Christmas film from last year that made its budget back and made a nice profit through its worldwide box office but was not received well by critics. It currently sits at 24% at Rotten Tomatoes and critics call it unoriginal and childish. I wonder how they would see it through the eyes of a child.

The biggest obstacle for Bedtime Stories is to get past the adult comedy styling of Adam Sander because, at its heart, this movie is made for kids. He doesn’t succeed at first as the movie starts off slow and treads on familiar territory. At the core of the plot is a story of a son who longs to take over his dad’s old business but is kept at arm’s length by a man intent on claiming it. This is the same theme we saw in Sandler’s breakout role, Billy Madison. Unlike that movie, Sandler’s character Skeeter is fully capable of running his father’s company, a hotel in California. The opening quarter of the movie sets up the story but drags on, making me wonder if it is as bad as everyone says.

Then the magic happens. This movie is a fairy tale and calls out to the child in the hearts of everyone. When Skeeter was a child, his father told him bedtime stories and transported him to a magical world where anything was possible. As an adult, Skeeter has fallen on his luck and decided there are no happy endings. When his sister has to leave town to look for a new job, Skeeter is asked to watch after her two young children until she returns. Taking a cue from his own childhood, he is able to connect with them through bedtime stories. The first story is a thinly disguised parable of his disappointments in his life. He takes the story in a more hopeful direction and, with the help of the children, gives it a more promising ending. The next day, the changes made to his story come true and he gets the opportunity to achieve the dream of running his father’s old hotel.

The movie then travels through the typical wish fulfillment fantasies of Skeeter with him telling stories where he receives free cars, beautiful women and lots of money. If this was the direction the story was heading it would be an absolute failure. Luckily, the twist is that Skeeter is not determining his own fate. Instead it is the children’s additions to the story that are coming true. Skeeter does not get the fast car but he does save the damsel in distress. When he believes he is going to get the fairest maiden in the land, he gets something very different than he bargained for. Then when the finale comes, Skeeter is forced to step into action and save the day on his own without the magical deus-ex-machina helping along the way.

Sander is solid in the role when he reigns himself in. There are moments of typical Sandler indulgence. The scene when he is stung on the tongue by a bee is a perfect example. The Rob Schneider appearances are an even more glaring obstacle. Other people may bemoan the use of the Guinea Pig with CG eyes but, for the kids, it is a cute addition and something to make them laugh. Finally, the end is a solid moral for a fairy tale story made for children. When you are supposed to be the hero of the story, act like one.

A lot of the plot points are predictable and some are generic crap, aiding in the alleged unoriginality of the story. The kid’s mother doesn’t let them watch TV, play video games or eat any junk food. She is overprotective to a fault and, of course, Uncle Skeeter comes in to corrupt their lives. There is also the romance between Skeeter and a school teacher that doesn’t help the film either. I will admit there are too many moments of generic unoriginality but the movie is a wonderful story for the kids and that is who it was made for anyway.

The Package

The special features on this Blu-Ray are crap. There are bloopers and deleted scenes and two short featurettes. The first one looks at the Guinea Pig and the second at the making of the special effects. Also included is a digital copy and – my favorite – a DVD of the film. Most families don’t have a Blu-Ray player in every room of the house (especially the kid’s rooms) and this allows the movie to be seen anywhere. It’s too bad the rest of the special features were so crappy.

7.0 out of 10

Why is Whip It so bad? It’s got a great cast, and it’s
set in a really fascinating subculture that hasn’t been the focus of a
movie since the 70s. There’s a real unique quality to roller derby, and
a real cinematic quality – the game is simple, with few rules, and it’s
played by colorful and attractive women. At the very least, Whip It should be an enjoyable middle of the road sports movie with some enjoyable characters.

Instead Whip It is a tedious girl rebelling against her
parents movie with interesting characters shuffled off to the side
completely, left without arcs or meaning. Instead of being about the
Austin, Texas based Hurl Scouts derby team, Whip It wants
to be about Ellen Page’s tedious conflict with her stage mother, who
wants her to be a beauty queen, and her relationship with the most
unappealing guy in the United States of America. Every time the film
threatens to get interesting and become about roller derby and the
weird players on the various teams, Whip It immediately
retreats to the shitty suburbs where Page’s character lives and
subjects us to a ton of bullshit we don’t care about.

How empty are the roller derby characters?  There’s a duo on the Hurl
Scouts who, it turns out, are sisters (I only learned this in the
credits, where they’re called the Manson Sisters, an obvious play on
the Hanson Brothers of Slapshot), one of whom is deaf.
This never has any impact on the film. In any way. At all. Her deafness
is presented and forgotten about immediately, and the characters appear
only in crowded action shots.

The Manson Sisters are treated the worst, but none of the derby
characters get any time. Kristen Wiig comes closest as a single mom
raising a young boy while living an alternative lifestyle (it’s worth
noting that besides Page everyone in the film appears to be in their
40s. Juliette Lewis looks like she could be Page’s grandmother), but
everyone else just gets a quick identifying tic – Drew Barrymore’s
character is violent and stoned – and that’s all. Zoe Bell is just
playing ‘Tough Girl from New Zealand’ and Eve is simply ‘Black.’ It’s
so frustrating to see people with such screen charisma getting
relegated to doing nothing. Thankfully the immortal Beef Supreme from Idiocracy
(Andrew ‘The Other’ Wilson) gets some nice screen time as the team’s
coach. He’s a pretty flat and terrible actor, but in a truly charming
way. It sounds like a contradiction, and I would tell you to see it for
yourself to understand, but you probably shouldn’t see the film. Take
my word on it.

Way too much time is spent with a real world singer/songwriter named
Landon Pigg; in the film he poorly plays a really awful hipster
musician. I don’t know why he was cast in the movie as he has negative
screen presence – he just drains power from those working against him.
Watching Pigg on screen is a painful experience, made all the more
painful by the fact that Shauna Cross’ screenplay (based on her own
novel) just barrels obviously toward to a hugely predictable conclusion
of his story. You know where this character is going and you plead for
him to get there just so Pigg can be off the fucking movie screen.

There’s almost a saving grace in the performances of Page and Arrested Development alum
Alia Shawkat, playing Page’s best friend. Both are acting in movies
that might be more enjoyable and their performances have seemingly been
cut and pasted into this one. Page is in every scene of the movie, and
the burden on her is heavy. She’s given a poor script and a tedious
conflict with her mother (played by Marcia Gay Harden in a role that
gives thankless a whole new meaning) but she manages to shoulder the
burden and make you come out the other side not hating her. It’s not
really a great performance, but she manages to shine.

Drew Barrymore’s not a terrible director – there’s a pool love scene
that I really, really liked – but there are so many things wrong with Whip It that
must be laid at her feet. For one thing, the movie is endless, clocking
in at almost two hours. And then there’s the fact that the pacing of
this film drags like a dog without hind legs; the movie wouldn’t be
good if the back and forth between Austin and Page’s redneck hometown
were dealt with more deftly, but it would be less painful. I’m not
writing Barrymore off as a director, but this is not an auspicious
debut.

When I Twittered my initial reaction to the film and said I was very
disappointed, people asked me what I had expected from the film anyway.
What I had expected was simple – a movie that took me into an
interesting world I had never before visited, compelling and fun
characters and a good central sports story. I got none of that. And a
whole bunch too much Jimmy Fallon as a despicable derby announcer. I
just wanted a movie that wouldn’t leave me squirming and sighing in
boredom and annoyance.

[A note: This year I was honored to serve on the Horror Features Jury at Fantastic Fest. We awarded The Human Centipede both Best Feature and Best Actor for Dieter Laser.]

What’s the future of horror? The genre is cyclical, with people
following the lead and look of what seems to be popular at the moment,
new filmmakers chasing the scraps of more original filmmakers. The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is
almost a metaphor for that world of derivative, boring horror where
someone chews up and digests a new idea and the next person eats their
‘leftovers.’ See, the movie is about three people surgically attached
to each other at the digestive system, giving new meaning to the term
‘ass to mouth.’

Except The Human Centipede isn’t even the first guy in that
grotesque trio. It’s the mad scientist on the outside; what I love
about this film is that it is unlike anything else you’ll see and it’s
unlikely that anybody will be following its twisted lead any time soon.
It’s a masterpiece of perverse originality, a truly unique experience
of sleaze and horror.

A German surgeon who had been famous for separating siamese twins
decides that he’s been doing it the wrong way and begins researching
how to connect people. He begins with a trio of dogs and then quickly
moves on to people; when two American party girls traveling across
Europe break down and show up at his doorstep they become the unwitting
middle and end pieces of his inhuman creation.

German character actor Dieter Laser plays Dr. Heiter, and the
performance is nothing short of brilliant. He has a serpentine look,
like an evil Christopher Walken, and he is completely and totally mad.
Terrifying in the level of how unhinged he is, Laser bounces back and
forth between quiet menace and bugshit insanity. And he looks amazing
in a surgical coat and sunglasses while holding a rifle. Heiter is a
completely iconic mad scientist, a horror archetype we see too rarely.

To me Dr. Heiter is the lead character (and sort of the hero), but in
the great horror tradition the protagonist is one of the girls. Ashley
C. Williams is Lindsay, the girl trapped with her mouth sewn to a Japanese
man’s asshole and her best friend’s mouth sewn to her own butt
(Fantastic Fest honcho Tim League described the set up as basically
‘Two girls one digestive system’), and Williams actually manages to
deliver a good performance despite the fact that she spends half the
movie’s running time naked, on all fours and crying muffled sobs into a
guy’s butt cheeks. She begins the film as a vapid nobody but finds a
real strength that the actress manages to display with just her eyes.

The film’s plot is, admittedly, light. As with any mad scientist plan, things go awry in The Human Centipede,
leading to a bloody conclusion and a final moment that is haunting in a
truly soul-shattering way. Director and writer Tom Six has delivered a
movie that is absolutely sick, the kind of film that makes you wonder
what sort of crazy shit he’s up to at home. He finds the
stomach-churning place where body horror and bondage meet as Heiter
trains his new centipede as one would train a dog. And he takes an
entirely too deep pleasure in the moments when the latter parts of the
centipede receive their… nourishment. It’s creepy in a truly
skin-crawling way, and even though Six’s compositions tend to be almost
antiseptic you’ll walk out of The Human Centipede (First Sequence) needing
a long, hot, cleansing shower. What’s amazing is that Six doesn’t go
overboard on the gore and viscera. That stuff is there – there’s a
particularly cringe-inducing tooth extraction scene – but what really
gets to you is the concept and Laser’s deranged domination of his
unholy creation. Six could have gone bigger and wetter, but he
understands that sometimes concepts and ideas are more unsettling than
graphic visuals.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is a dangerous movie. If you think this movie isn’t for you, you’re probably right. This is a movie that assaults your soul and leaves you changed. Or maybe the best way to put it is that The Human Centipede is a movie that leaves you scarred.