Do you think Three-Six Mafia made one of their Oscars into a Bong? And do you think they’re the first? Also, if a hangover is the Irish flu, could you say that a writer like F. Scott Fitzgerald died of Irish Swine Flu?

NOT WITH A BANG BUT A WHIMPER: DELLAMORTE’S SUMMER MOVIE GUESSIN’S

I’ll always remember Premiere’s 1991 summer movie preview. They thought that Dying Young was going to be the Love Story of the 90’s. Turns out they were wrong. Way wrong. And so will I be in the next couple of paragraphs. You can’t predict what works and what won’t without having seen a film, but also the marketing, and the weather and all sorts of X factors that come into play when you’re calling the weather three months out (The Summer: should be warm). Here is my best guess of how the numbers will shake out:

But first, let me say this. This is a strike summer. Not all films (like Star Trek) were shot during the strike, but most were greenlit in preparation for it. So this summer will be loaded for bare with bad movies, movies that probably shouldn’t have been greenlit, films that needed an uncredited polish by Robert Towne or Marshall Brickman. Prepare for deep suckage, and it won’t all be Twentieth Century Fox’s fault. But, as Slick Rick would say here were go:

1) Transformers 2 (6/24): If any film has the possibility to do Dark Knight numbers, it’s this one. It won’t, but people loved the first one, and it looks like Michael Bay brought the crazy. Who doesn’t want Michael Bay-crazy? It’s Michael Bay’s world and we’re one step away from being sent flying from a perfectly lit explosion. Never mind that what will be watched is a hopped up toy commercial, and will have less nutritional value than a box of C3PO’s, there is no denying this juggernaut of action, and it’s rightful place as the summer movie to beat. ALL IN: $330 Million (variable +/- $60 Million)

2) Harry Potter 6 (7/15): Will Potter fever go away? No, and even though this film could be called troubled because of early test screening reports, if they film the book, they’ve got a movie. And chances are they filmed the book. If the franchise got off to a profitable but rocky start, it founds its groove, and though the fifth film was slight in the scheme of things, shit starts really hitting the fan in this book. If the third act death scene is well staged, people may return both to the books and to the theaters. ALL IN:  $280 Million (variable +/- $60 Million)

3) Terminator 4 (5/21): I have doubts about this picture, but I think cyborgs kicking ass will bring them in, and the Memorial Day weekend slot will do nothing but give people a PG-13 excuse to watch machines and humans do a little bit of battlin’. If Warner Brothers can sell the shit out of this during playoffs, I think it’s going to have three weeks of solid asskicking, which should get it way over $200 Million, though if audiences don’t respond, it’ll have an opening weekend and fall 70%, which it will anyway, but a rougher 70%.  ALL IN: $250 Million (variable +/- $100 Million)

4) Ice Age 3 (7/1): With a summer birth, Ice Age is taking a chance, and I don’t know if they’ve unleashed strong game as of yet, but this should play until the end of summer with its early July release date. Franchising is the name of the game, and the other films in this series have been rather popular. This should be the first to break $200 ALL IN: $240 Million (variable +/- $60 Million)

5) Night at the Museum 2 (5/22): The last one played a long time, and did $250 Million. Likely this won’t be as cash-rich, but the numbers should be excellent for it, and it played last time, so it should play again. Ben Stiller, your ass used to be so beautiful. What happened to you, man? Do you do this to get your next Tropic Thunder made? If so, slightly forgiven. ALL IN: $230 Million (variable +/- $60 Million)

6) Up (5/29): Russ Meyer has staged a posthumous comeback! Pixar does $200, though not too much more than that these days. ALL IN: $210 Million (variable +/- $30 Million)

7) X-Men 4 (5/1): Leak Schmeak, the opening weekend should get it near to $100 (80-ish), and though the falloff will be strong, it will be spitting at $150 by the end of next weekend. That doesn’t mean it won’t struggle to get to $200, but it should, but just. ALL IN: $200 Million (variable +/- $40 Million)

8) Da Vinci Code 2 (5/15): Devin called the first film retarded, but Tom Hanks and this book, it should be enough to be the “for not discriminating adults” picture of May. The only problem is if people were super turned off by the first film, which probably got the book on screen. That’s all they want from this franchise, so number 3 is all but assured. ALL IN: $180 Million (variable +/- $40 Million)

9) Star Trek 11 (5/8): Make no mistake, this film plays. It plays an audience, and people who don’t like Star Trek can get into it. The problem is the release date, as it has been since Paramount moved it. Had they come out in December, they would have cleared $200 easily, here, they’ll be dead to the world in two to three weeks, and they don’t have the first weekend of summer bump. Critics may like it (most have, on-line at least), but in re-branding, you take some of the hit of what’s come before, and though geeks will go back, I don’t think the film gets a great Memorial Day bump, which is what it’ll need to get over $200. The Friday will be big, but I feel like the people who will want to dress up for the opening might scare off some who might enjoy it. Currently it’s tracking at around a $50 opening weekend, Paramount’s already in for $200 million or so, and rebooting a franchise costs a lot of advertising dollar, so I don’t think it’s going to be a home run. The internet is insular, I don’t think this crosses over so hard that it’ll be a conversation piece, which is what it needs to get it past the nerdcore, but is more than enough to launch it past $150. If Paramount is smart, you still do the sequel, cause this will sell a lot of DVD’s/Blu-ray/illegal downloads, and people will down for what comes next. But if they can’t get that opening weekend to $70 or more, then they can’t get to $200 in a busy summer schedule. Then again – for better or worse – this is the best Space Opera since The Phantom Menace. ALL IN: $180 Million (variable +/- $100 Million)

10) Land of the Lost (6/5)/G.I. Joe (8/7) – Hey Kids? Guess what time it is? Other than the Pixar movie, which is a franchise unto itself (look at the advertising), these reboots of a TV show and a toy/cartoon are the most likely breakout hits. The question with Land is if Ferrell can be his core $100 Million dollar audience to a kids movie, and if parents will want to take them. Will it be a perfect blend of comedy and action, the likes of which we haven’t seen since the 40 good minutes of Ghostbusters II? Probably not, but it should RULE that weekend. And G.I. Joe will live or die if people are tired of Transformers 2 (in the metaphysical sense. Like Ms. Newton said, I want to get metaphysical, metaphysical, I wanna get metaphysical. Let me hear your reality talk, if it exists) and want more hopped up toy commercials. My guess is they will. ALL IN (LotL: $140 Million (variable +/- $20 Million) ALL IN (Joe): $140 Million (variable +/- $60 Million)

The films that could: I feel like Bruno (7/10) will get close to $100, but I think that Borat was helped a lot by its release schedule. I love Tony Scott, but The Taking of the Pelham 123 (6/12/09) feels like a throwback to the early 90’s. I don’t think it’ll kill for that, but Denzel Washington is Denzel ($80). I wish good things one Year One (6/19), but the Superbowl spots and the footage so far has not done it for people ($60). Funny People (7/31) has Sandler playing serious, this is probably his most success of that sort, but I don’t think it break out ($100), nor do I think The Hangover (6/5) can stand being an R rated comedy in the middle of summer ($80), but for the stars, that’ll do. Honestly, I think The Proposal (6/19) has a chance to crack the top ten ($100), but these films are all about the weather, honestly. And I have high hopes for Public Enemies (7/1), but even with Jonathan Depp and Christian Bale, I think the film will struggle to hit $100 ($100). I can’t think of a film I’m more excited for than Inglourious Basterds (8/21), but even with Brad Pitt, I think this film has a ceiling ($85).

AND THEN SUMMER BEGINS

So Wolverine opens, but I think it loses to Girlfriends of Title too Long.

Psyche!

1. Wolverine – $85.5 Million
2. Girlfriends of -$18 Million
3. Oh Noes, She Didn’t – $15 Million
4. 17 Again – $6 Million
5. Fighting – $5 Million

And on Sunday, I may not explain everything, but at least I won’t treat you like an idiot.

‘Hey, let’s get Korean pop star Rain to stand in front of a generic cityscape translight and take a picture of his butt and back. We’ll Photoshop some real rain in later. The kids’ll eat it up!’

No, they won’t. While I still have high hopes for James McTiegue’s Ninja Assassin, this poster, which the site Screenweek (visit them for the whole image) seems to think is an American teaser, does less than nothing for me. It looks like some kind of really weird men’s S&M scent ad or something. Lame! Here’s hoping that the eventual trailer is more inspired.

via Coming Soon

Coming Soon found out that a Spanish language site called www.loquepasaentenerife.com has snapped some pics of the under construction sets for Clash of the Titans, which began filming this week. Louis Letterier’s remake of the classic, Ray Harryhausen effects-laden story of Perseus taking on a mean old Kraken to save some bimbo is shooting at an island off the coast of Spain, and they’ve started putting together ruins and big ole statues and the like. You can get an idea of what it looks like below; head to www.loquepasaentenerife.com for all the pics, and a whole bunch of Spanish that I can’t read, thanks to being shit at it in high school.

It’s like this new trailer for Paramount’s GI Joe was cut just for me. They open with a shot of Cobra’s evil underwater headquarters. I LOVE THIS. And it turns out that Cobra’s evil weapon is some kind of green super-rust? I AM IN.

I’m not even kidding. The only x factor right now is whether or not Stephen Sommers can pull this off. This movie looks amazing on every level (‘The French are upset.’ ‘Of course they are!’ Why is such a lame exchange in the trailer? Because it’s likely one of the best exchanges in the movie!), at least if you’re as big a fan of weird, goofy, broad movies as I am. And what’s best is that it looks like Sommers is playing this straight; it’ll be up to you to decide if this is a silly movie that’s being serious or a serious movie that’s really silly.

G.I. JOE trailer in HD

I felt guilty chuckling at Battle For Terra. The film, retrofitted from a 2D 2007 Toronto Film Festival entry into a 3D 2009 early summer piece of Wolverine counter-programming, aspires to be more than just another piece of CGI filler. It’s closer to real science fiction than we’re likely to see from other summer films. Behind familiar appropriations from Star Wars and other popular ‘sci-fi’ there are actual ideas at work. Inspiration doesn’t give way to execution, however. Like the airy, grey planet on which it takes place, Battle For Terra is listless and bland.  

Mala (Evan Rachel Wood) is the most adventurous member of a minor alien race occupying a misty city of mushroom spires on a sparsely populated planet. Her people look like flatworms merged with the Eraserhead baby; their large eyes are set into flat grey faces, and their bodies terminate in flattened tails on which they hover or fly, or something. (Except when they can’t. The movie is a bit confused on the flying point.)

Curious and inventive, Mala is naturally more forward-thinking than her brethren when an alien ship blocks out the sun. Her people (worms…babies…whatever) are more archaic in their response. Many present themselves as offerings to their ‘new gods’ while city leaders broadcast creepy Orwellian messages. “Everything is fine,” booms a flying loudspeaker. “There is no danger!”

Turns out the invaders are humans, exiles from a destroyed Earth, and they’re on their last legs. Brian Cox, unable to reprise the mutant-hating Colonel Stryker in Wolverine, embodies military evil here as General Hammer. The General views the universe in stark black and white. The few remaining humans must find a home, and dwindling resources mean they’ve got no choice but to settle on the world they’ve dubbed Terra.

As small ships attack her city, Mala manages to destroy one of the invading craft, but rescues the pilot. Through him she hopes to rescue her father, taken by one of the human fighters, and eventually learns of the human plan to replace her planet’s atmosphere with oxygen, which would poison the natural population.

The Orwellian political overtones and role-reversal plot tactics set Terra apart from animation meant just for kids, and certainly elevate it well above trainwrecks like Delgo. Encountering adult topics up-front in non-Pixar animation (even if some are familiar from Battlestar Galactica) is a welcome surprise. While this story takes the easy way out in the end, I have to respect the effort made to ask questions rather than sell merch.

But the stain of Delgo does persist in Terra‘s simplistic designs and sketchy story. Understanding the natives of Terra is difficult as their society is barely drawn in; they’re little more than Generic Peaceful Alien Race #17. Humans don’t get much more story effort. Confident that we’ll recognize and align against the Earthlings’ aggression, director Aristomenis Tsirbas and writer Evan Spiliotopoulos give us a couple good guys and one big bad guy and set the machine in motion.  Asking questions is well and good, but a more cohesive story would be better.

You’ll undoubtedly notice a few things in Terra that seem like obvious nods to Wall-E. The lead human character voiced by Owen Wilson is named Stanton, and Giddy, the kooky and helpful robot voiced by David Cross, looks a hell of a lot like Pixar’s little machine. (And not unlike R2D2, as well.) Since this movie was finished only a few months after the first public displays of footage from Wall-E, I’m chalking the robot similarities up to coincidence.

Those connections are unfortunate, but a stronger sense of design and a bulletproof story would deflect quick accusations of theft. Battle For Terra isn’t a movie that deserves to be embraced, but if it’s going to be dismissed outright, the reasoning should be based on the movie’s own flaws rather than superficialities.

We’re a shade over forty days away from the mandatory digital TV conversion.  My thinking at this point is, who gives a shit?  Filmed entertainment (i.e. movies and TV shows) and their delivery systems are progressing so fast that I’m fairly certain by this time next year we’ll be getting content beamed into our brains Intersect style (SAVE CHUCK!).  I just did away with my 5,000 lb. CRT computer monitor and got a sweet flatscreen deal because I watch a lot of content on my computer now.  Hell, Devin’s already made the switch away from traditional aired content.  Yes friends, the internet is taking over and I wouldn’t be surprised if web hits eventually make Nielsens obsolete. 

As further proof of the expanded role of the web in programming, comes the dual announcements that both Disney and Sony have made deals to offer more of their content on streaming sites.  In Disney’s case, it’s Hulu, and for Sony, it’s Crackle.  Disney has signed onto Hulu as an equity partner to make available many of its films and its subsidiary ABC TV shows available for ad-supported viewing.  This includes Lost, Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy.  Now that Hulu will have NBC, Fox and now ABC programming, it looks like the aliens are indeed on their way to turning our brains into mushy hors d’eouvres.  Hulu is now the #2 site for streaming video behind only YouTube.

Said Anne Sweeney, ABC television Group Chief: “We found that all of the network sties from the various TV networks
are performing well but they’re really super-serving their core viewers
— people who would naturally be inclined to go to a network’s
website,” Sweeney said. “But we’re seeing very fast growth in casual
viewing online through these big online video aggregators (like Hulu),
and that’s something we hadn’t tapped into yet. It’s one of the things
that made us think that Hulu was the next step for us.”

In the case of Sony, they’re making a significant number of their films available on its proprietary video site, Crackle.com.  These include Spider-Man 2, Groundhog Day, Stripes, A Few Good Men, 1941, El Mariachi, Big Fish, The Fan, LaBamba, The People vs. Larry Flynt, Johnny Mnemonic, and several installments of the Godzilla franchise.  Crackle has also brokered a sharing deal with YouTube in order to drive more content. 

I say the more access we have to content the better, so I’m always for deals like this.  And if they can work in that instant kung fu master training as a side benefit, all the better (SAVE CHUCK!).

via Variety

No stranger to using a sub-zero atmosphere to help tell a…wait for it…chilling story, director David Slade (30 Days of Night, Hard Candy) has agreed to direct an adaptation of Cold Skin, a Spanish novel by Albert Sanchez Pinol set on an Antarctic island where murderous humanoid amphibians try to make ends meet. In joining forces to hunt the creatures with his neighbor, who happens to keep a sexy female humanoid amphibian as a slave, the narrator begins to develop feelings for them upon realizing they share the same emotions as humans and are great at fucking.

“With ‘Cold Skin,’ I believe we can create a lasting psycho-physiological horror film. It is one of the most atmospheric, terrifying, cinematic and original stories of the human spirit,” Slade told Variety.

Working with a script written by 28 Weeks Later co-writer Jesus Olmo, Slade will begin shooting Cold Skin sometime around March 2010 after he warms up a little bit while working side by side with the dreamy Robert Pattinson on The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

I don’t know if William Shatner has seen JJ Abrams’ Star Trek yet, but he has seen the trailer, and The Shat himself posted the footage of that historic event on MySpace. If you’ve ever wondered what Shatner looks like while vegging out in front of the tube on a weeknight, you’re in luck!

He does make some snarky comments about George Takei, which is nice. Keep the feud alive!

Oh, and why did he post this? To flog his new Star Trek novel, Collision, which presents his version of how Kirk and Spock first met. Maybe his could be considered canon from before the events of the new film…

Remember the original Spawn movie? If so, sorry to hear that. The film was just awful, mostly memorable for the first time John Leguizamo played an entire role on his knees and for the special effects that looked like they came from a Windows screen saver. Oh, and how it got Martin Sheen the role of the president in The West Wing.

But Todd McFarlane, the guy who created Spawn back in the days when it looked like Image Comics was poised to take over the Earth, wants to have a second go with a movie version of the character with an overly complicated cape whom he still milks for the mortgage. IESB caught up with McFarlane at the Arizona premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine and he told the site that he has no less than five offers on the table to do a reboot of the character. The artist/writer/worthless baseball owner says that the offers range from the big studios to indie versions that would allow him to write and direct. Oh lord, please don’t let that happen.

Here, for those of you who don’t remember, are some choice scenes from the original Spawn, set to a Rage Against the Machine song.