Well, goddamn if it doesn’t look like Stephen Sommers might have made his first really fun movie since Deep Rising. There has been barely a shred of material from his upcoming G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra that caught my eye, but the Superbowl teaser (which Coming Soon has now as an exclusive) looks just ridiculous enough to enjoy.

I’ll still be shocked to find satisfaction by way of script and character (things Deep Rising actually had) but that shot of Snake Eyes leaping onto and from a flipping car definitely implies spectacle. The disintegrating Eiffel Tower, which could have come straight from the old cartoon, is proof enough that this is a movie for 12-year old boys, which is fine. (And fully expected.) As long as it’s a really entertaining movie for 12-year olds, we’ll have a good time.

Besides,  I can always enjoy a little Eccleston. And I’ll admit, I’m looking forward to seeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Cobra Commander.

Taken is the movie, just released in the U.S., in which the great actor Liam Neeson takes the Steven Seagal role of an ex-spy who moves to Los Angeles to be closer to his teenaged daughter, only to tear onto the path of vengeance and death-bringing when she is kidnapped on a summer trip to Europe.

The first thing you will want to know, if you are a person like me who is willing to watch such a film, is that it’s a PG-13.  I don’t know about you, but just about the last thing I want from a revenge picture is the knowledge that I am free to bring my favorite 13-year-old friend or relative along, that there is no scene too brutal or offensive that it could not run on USA or some other basic cable outlet at 4pm on a weekday afternoon.

That said, one thing I came to understand while watching Taken is that you really can’t argue with an audience.  The critic and the aspiring filmmaker will (and must) watch this movie with different eyes, but on an audience of laymen it seems that the movie absolutely works. 

To the right side of me, there was applause after every act of brutality.  To the left, there was talking at the screen.  And after the credits finished running, there was this conversation between two ushers:

Usher 1:  “This movie is hot!”

Usher 2:  “You saw it?”

Usher 1:  “I want to see it again!”

Usher 2:  “Me too!”

The film critic (which I am not) will look at Taken and point to the incoherent gunfight sequences, the questionable performances from just about every character not played by Liam Neeson, the inconsistent orientation of the action and its arbitrary engine of suspense (96 hours!), the fact that it keeps running for ten minutes longer than it has to, and the strange feeling of xenophobia elicited throughout, considering the international pedigree of the production.

The aspiring filmmaker (which I am) will take all of those things into account, but will also need to consider why an audience might be so [pun intended] taken with the movie.  I have a friend who tells me, “Jonny, you think too much – no real person cares about all that film major stuff.”  Honestly, he’s halfway right: there is a certain elemental appeal, particularly to a movie in this genre, in watching a convincingly badass character take two hours to whale on bad people.  But I would argue that by ignoring all of those aspects that the critics will object to about a movie, the ultimate result is most likely a forgettable movie.  The movies that “real people” will remember and add to their home collections and watch again in ten years, like Dirty Harry and Die Hard and more recently The Dark Knight, deliver the elemental thrills WHILE also being able to answer the logistical questions that a critic or a film major would ask.

But again, you can’t argue with an audience.  So why does Taken play?  Liam Neeson has a lot to do with it.  Strange to see such an acclaimed actor in a movie like this one, but a guy’s gotta work!  Guess he’s just killing time (and many, many bad guys) until Spielberg calls him again.  Even when he’s dressed up in a Jedi mullet, Liam Neeson is the kind of actor who takes every role seriously, in the best sense – he makes sure that he is convincing as the character he is playing, and he has the ability to make the audience care about what he cares about.  That’s why, even though his daughter in the movie establishes herself pretty quickly as pretty annoying, you absolutely want him to save her.  And to kill every last person who threatens her.  The script is smart enough to give Neeson that improbable scene, where he talks his daughter through her initial abduction (“This is the hard part; they’re going to take you now”) and the trailer people were smart enough to put that scene in the trailer, because my man sells it all.

Lesson learned.  Luckily, it won’t take nearly as much time to explain the wide [pun intended] appeal of Paul Blart, Mall Cop.  To paraphrase the great Chris Farley, “Fat man fall down.”  Boom!  Thirty million!

P.S.  In the department of things that are funny only to me:

Early on in Taken, Liam Neeson’s old company buddies are introduced.  They seem interesting enough to be featured in more scenes, so naturally they all disappear after the first half hour.  Anyway, one is played by the solid character actor Leland Orser (you’d recognize his face) and the other two characters are named Bernie and Casey. 

Bernie… and Casey… 

Bernie… Casey.

Bernie Casey.

You’d definitely recognize his face.  (Spies Like Us, Sharky’s Machine, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Revenge Of The Nerds, I’m Gonna Git You Sucka…)

So, end result, you have a brief action scene where Leland Orser is shouting out “Bernie!  Casey!  Bernie!  Casey!” and I keep combing the screen, going “Where? Where?”

It’s like an Abbott & Costello routine between Kevin Smith and Quentin Tarantino.

I hate to name-drop, but I used to be friends with Jesus Christ. Back in the 70’s, he often came to my house for breaks from his bum disguise. Once, before we went our separate ways forever (he found out I only liked him because I was scared of his dad), he told me:

“Say, Sam? That friend of yours, Steve Martin? Watch out for him. His great disdain for humanity will soon rob him of his comedic genius.” I just laughed at Jesus and called him naive. Unfortunately, it turns out he was right about Steve Martin. I hope he got the last laugh because none of us did.

So what happened to Steve? Anger. We let him into our hearts because his banjo playing was funny. But once embraced, he shook off this Trojan Horse and demanded we take his banjo playing seriously. We didn’t. And he now scornfully wastes his comedic gift before our very eyes. “You want funny, motherfuckers? I’ll show you funny! Watch this: I’m gonna slip on some marbles and fall face-first into a pie! Assholes!” The opposite of comedy is not tragedy – it’s just shitty comedy. Steve Martin knows this, and he uses it to hurt us. THAT is the tragedy, and it’s all ours.

About seven years ago, Steve wanted a painting, and he needed a cookie-cutter movie to fund it. In an attempt to reconnect with my old friend, I agreed to direct Cheaper by the Dozen. Steve had written it himself. Here is a sample of the script:

Suburban Mansion (Morning)

ME enters room wearing a suburban robe. ME has a shitload of kids. They’re all a bunch of fucking little monsters like kids in real life.

Something happens to make ME make a funny face. Ad-lib, ad-lib, etc. Funnier face. ME picks up a kid. Kid gets finger paint on ME’S robe.

Kicked in nutz. Funny pain face.

Dances funny. Slips on marbles. Falls down face-first into pie. Slowly lifts pie-face up to look at camera.

Kids run blender with no top. Shit flies everywhere. ME makes funny face of disapproval. Anger ad-lib.

ME loses temper. Kids cry. A lesson is ad-libbed. ME apologizes for being such a cranky dad. Mom comes home from grocery store.

As you can see, this shit apparently writes it self. So I figured it could direct itself too while I tried to get a tri-generational three-way going with Bonnie Hunt and Hilary Duff. Ultimately, that three-way was the only positive thing to come out of Cheaper by the Dozen. Unless you count the money, and I try to count every cent. It’s probably a very bad film. I didn’t watch it when I made it, and I’m sure as hell not gonna watch it now.

My mission to reconnect with Steve went awry on the first day when I told him to get his twangy fucking banjo out of my face. “Fine!” he pouted. “But you just talked yourself out of tickets to my magic show!” After that I just gave up on him. So should you. It is one of the easier ways to walk in the footsteps of Christ.

*Joke © Doc Happenin

Probably now best known to fanboys the world over as the Comedian in a little upcoming movie you may have heard about, you know, Watchmen, Jeffrey Dean Morgan has been cast in Hammer Films’ latest production The Resident. Morgan will co-star along side two-time Oscar-winning babe Hilary Swank.

The Resident centers on a young physician (Swank) who moves into a Brooklyn loft where a series of bizarre events occur more often than not, which, naturally, leads the young woman to believe not all is good and well within her new dwelling. It turns out her landlord (Morgan) is one screwed up puppy, and he isn’t the cool dude he initially appears to be. Seems he’s getting a tad fixated on her.

When the hell are people going to realize moving into New York-based lofts, apartments, or penthouses is a bad idea? Rosemary’s Baby, The Sentinel, anybody?

Anyway, Antti Jokinen, a music video hot shot, will be making his feature-directorial debut on this one. Jokinen co-wrote the script with Robert Orr, which then saw a final pass by Erin Cressida Wilson.

No ETA on a release date for this one, but shooting is slated to get underway this May. Considering it’s a Hammer Film, though, I’ll consider it a miracle if it comes out at all.

Despite the snarky title on this article, I’m a big fan of Channing Tatum. I think he’s a powerful actor, and I look forward to the time when he’s getting more serious roles. In the meantime, I’m happy to see him reteaming for a third go round with his A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints writer/director Dito Montiel on an adaptation of The Brotherhood of the Rose, which sounds quite Bournetastic.

I keep getting this book confused with The Name of the Rose, which was adapted into a Christian Slater/Sean Connery buddy monk movie; The Brotherhood of the Rose is about two orphans raised by an espionage agent to be assassins who find themselves targets when they get double crossed. The novel was written by First Blood author David Morrell, and was adapted into an NBC miniseries that starred none other than the great David Morse, way back in 1989.

Montiel, who also wrote and directed Tatum’s next film, Fighting, is writing and directing this one as well. The novel is one part of a loose trilogy, so it’s possible that Warner Bros is looking at this as their post-Bourne era thriller franchise.

Ladies, enjoy the picture of Channing Tatum holding a cock.

I’ve been spending my time watching old and obscure movies. It’s good for the palette. As it were. A Foreign Affair, The Red Ball Express, Play Dirty. Films like this.

THE CAMP PAIN

This week The Reader expands to a thousand screens. It would have last week if anyone involved thought it would get the nominations it did. Oscar nominations usually happen on Tuesday, don’t they? I guess everything felt so locked that it was a safe bet there would be no upsets or surprises, and yet there was upset. Dark Knight fanboys, I know I’m all late on this shit, but TDK is two million shy of having a billion dollar gross and as upset as you might be that the academy that is right about 10% of the time snubbed your masterpiece , realize that they also loved As Good As It Gets, and STFU.

The interesting question of The Reader‘s nominations is this: Will Kate Winslet campaign for her Oscar? I haven’t heard anything yet, but she was dead set on Revolutionary Road being her horse – seeing as how it was directed by her husband. The Academy roundly rejected that title, and so now if she wants the Gold dude in her life, she’s going to have to get that dirt off her shoulder (ladies are pimps too). Which is why I would wager that Anne Hathaway has a clearer shot at it. Meryl Streep has so many awards (and Doubt isn’t the picture), while Angelina Jolie just got the nom because she’s a good actress, but that film was laughed at. Melissa Leo is this year’s Amy Ryan, so she should just be happy with the nomination. Like most races, like most multiple choice questions, the right answer is usually  between two (though sometimes three) choices, and it strikes me this is all about Hathaway – who will have no problems selling herself – and Winslet. It also strikes me that the Academy making the decision they did is actively suggesting Winslet get divorced. Buyer’s remorse on American Beauty perhaps?

An interesting comparison year is 1990, when the nominees were Awakenings, Dances with Wolves, Ghost, The Godfather Part III, and Goodfellas. I can’t imagine if 1990 happened again that we’d have those nominees with people like David Poland and Jeffery Wells working against titles like Awakenings (then again, those guys might be championing something like that). And Ghost was more audience-friendly than something like The Dark Knight. Ghost is such a strange best picture nomination – all I remember about the film is the haircut – though I feel like it got all the nominations it did so the academy could feel good about giving an Oscar to Whoopi Goldberg I feel like The Reader partly got all of those nominations so the academy can feel good about giving Winslet a statue, but you know who won in 1990? Kathy Bates, for a film that had one major nomination as well (Misery).

But when people get upset at Oscar, it’s all about money. It’s about helping pictures that need it, and that’s partly why TDK got left out. People don’t need pushing to see that film, and though every once in a while a film like that wins, the Academy is more about helping films than it is about rewarding blockbusters. Usually. And so The Reader will get at least an additional $20 million out of these noms. And the effect on Button and Slumdog is already apparent. Such is this race.

HEY EVERYBODY! WE’RE ALL GOING TO GET PREDICTIONS!

The most memorable Super-bowl weekend picture I saw was Eye of the Beholder, starring a very naked Ashley Judd and Ewen McGregor, from the director of Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. I remember walking out and saying “now that is the best film I’ve seen in the last two hours.” This weekend you get Taken, which is out on DVD internationally, I believe, counter-programming with Renee Zellweger in New in Town, and a horror movie starring the hardest working actress in show business, Elizabeth Banks, and the twenty year old Emily Browning (perverts, at least she’s legal now). That movie is The Uninvited. But the main event this weekend with be the TV spots for summer movies (and Watchmen) which will play in between dudes getting up close and personal for the world. This is usually an off weekend, though it’s had its moments. I think the Zellweger picture should eat it, and we may see these pictures falling to Paul Blart: Mall Cop. And Gran Torino, which is a huge-ass hit.

So let’s do it:
1. Taken – $15 Million
2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop – $14.5 Million
3. The Uninvited – $13 Million
4. Gran Torino – $12.8 Million
5. New in Town – $9.5 Million

I have zero faith in the New in Town. So if it’s taken by Hotel for Dogs or Underworld, there’s that.

Hot on the heels of the disappointing final poster for Watchmen comes this ass-kicking DVD/BD cover for the Tales of the Black Freighter/Under the Hood tie-in. This looks glorious.

Here’s the description of the DVD, which arrives on March 24th:

They’re in the book. And on this disc. From the director of Watchmen and 300 come two tales from the celebrated graphic novel that do not appear in the extraordinary Watchmen Theatrical Feature. Tales of the Black Freighter (featuring the voice of 300’s Gerard Butler) brings to strikingly animated life the novels richly layered story-within-a-story, a daring pirate saga whose turbulent events may mirror those in the Watchmen’s world. Stars from the Watchmen movie team in the amazing live-action/CGI Under the Hood, based on Nite Owl’s powerful first-hand account of how the hooded adventurers came into existence. Two fan-essential stories. One place to watch the excitement. Watching the Watchmen begins here.

Also on this disc will be The Story Within the Story: The Books of Watchmen and a first look at a Green Lantern cartoon.

There’s a new poster for X-Men Origins: Wolverine out today, but it’s been a weird little journey to getting there.

First of all, a fanmade poster that circulated a year ago started getting shown as the new poster. Why? Because it somehow ended up on the Fox Press site. I’ve included a screencap of that below. How is it possible that a year old fanmade poster ends up on an official Fox site? Are they stealing fan art now?

That poster, with the claws coming out of the steel, first appeared on the Superhero Hype boards last year. (thanks to Peter from Slashfilm’s Twitter for the link)

This image made the rounds for a little while, but then about two hours ago everybody got an email from Fox’s Press site that contained the real new poster. For some reason IESB is claiming that they have the exclusive on that poster, despite it appearing in every inbox in the land before noon today. Maybe Fox fucked them – it wouldn’t be the first time a studio promised somebody an exclusive only to share the image with everyone. Here’s the new Wolverine poster, of which I honestly have zero opinion. I guess it sort of looks like Wolverine #1 as drawn by Frank Miller.

Spoilers.

Supernatural Official Site 

The Time: Thursdays, 9:00 PM, The CW

The Show:

Sam
and Dean Winchester are two brothers who roam the back roads of America
in a 1967 Chevy Impala hunting evil.  At first they fought all
of the usual: vampires, ghosts, werewolves and the like, but in recent
yeas they’ve found themselves more and more dealing with the literal
forces of Hell as a demon war has been brewing for decades, with their
family caught in the middle.  Sam has been pre-ordained from
birth by a past foe, the yellow-eyed demon, Azazel, to be a pivotal
figure in the war…on the demon side.  Meanwhile, Dean has
recently been resurrected from Hell by angels because they have the Lord’s work
for him to do.

The Stars:

•  Jared Padalecki – Sam Winchester
•  Jensen Ackles – Dean Winchester

The Episode: “After School Special”

Sam and Dean are on the hunt for possibly a demon or a ghost who has possessed several students at a school in Indiana, causing them to kill one student and maim another.  The issue is is that this is a school that Sam and Dean attended for a month 10 years ago when Pops Winchester was off on a hunt.  Via flashbacks, we get to see what high school was like for the young Winchester boys.

The Lowdown: