BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Paramount pictures
MSRP: $34.99
RATED: PG-13
RUNNING TIME: 109 min
SPECIAL FEATURES: 

• Commentary Track
• The Writers get a Chance to Talk
• Deleted/Extended Scenes
• The Deleted/Extended Scenes
• Line-O-Rama
• Gag Reel
• Rap Off
• Sprinkler Day
• Bully
• Directing Kids
• The Real Don: Danny McBride
• Previews

The Pitch

It’s an Apatow movie with a less interesting cast

Troy couldn’t believe where the phone sex operator wanted him to put his hand next

The Humans

Director: Steven Brill

Writer: Kristofor Brown and Seth Rogen

Cinematographer: Fred Murphy

Cast: Nate Hartley, Troy Gentile, David Dorfman, Owen Wilson, Leslie Mann, Alex Frost, Josh Peck, Stephen Root

The Nutshell

Three nerds hire a bodyguard to protect them from the high school bully. Unfortunately, the man they hire is a homeless bum who just wants to swindle them out of their money.

The production budget grew to the point where they had to consolodate the wardrobe expenditures

The Lowdown

The biggest problem with this Apatow production is the cast. I really think the movie is trying to be Superbad, but the kids in this film are nowhere near the talent of the Superbad cast. In the role of Michael Cera is Nate Hartley as skinny, geek Wade. He does not fit the role as well as Cera and never comes across as more than a skinny geek. Maybe that was the point, but I can’t get behind his character. He is a geek that seems like he should never be more than a geek and is not someone you can get behind on any level.

Playing the part of Jonah Hill is Troy Gentile as fat, mouthy Ryan. Gentile also never nears the comedy level of Hill but is the best member of the cast by far. He at least comes across as someone who wants to fit in and is almost perfect in his role. Drillbit Taylor also has its McLovin in the very nerdy Emmitt. He is the weakest link of the entire trio, both script-wise as well as acting-wise. The final star is Owen Wilson as Drillbit Taylor, who performs his worst role to date. He is the most uninteresting character in the script and really seems to just be cashing a paycheck.

Even if the movie wasn’t being compared to Superbad or 40 Year Old Virgin, it still would fail for a number of reasons. The first problem with the film is it is too long. At almost two hours long, it is entirely too long for this small idea. The movie has too much fluff and would have been better if trimmed. Another problem is the character of Drillbit Taylor, who is a pathological loser and, even with his character development, never comes across as someone worth caring about.

I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…

Another problem, and the damning quality of the movie, is the lack of humor. The jokes fall flat, never delivering on funny and usually providing groans in place of laughter. The kids can’t carry the humor and Owen Wilson is wasted through the entire movie. Even scenes with great comic actors such as Stephen Root fail to entertain thanks to the script. Every moment that puts these kids deeper and deeper in danger is so unrealistic and improbable that you can’t enjoy their eventual triumph.

The best parts of the movie are small scenes, and those are really only funny thanks to cameos. The first time we meet Drillbit Taylor, he is panhandling and we meet various funnymen like David Koechner and Matt Walsh. There are also great cameos when the kids are interviewing for bodyguards from Adam Baldwin and Chuck Liddell. These small moments are not enough to save this inept script co-written by the usually funny Seth Rogan, although much of the random non-humor might have come from former Beavis and Butthead scribe Kristofor Brown.

There is a lot of Judd Apatow backlash lately, but I am not part of that. I still love the majority of Apatow’s features, but this movie fails on too many levels. I wanted to like it, as a fan of both Apatow and Owen Wilson. With this poor script and B-level cast, it just wasn’t possible.

All I’m asking is for a chance to headline your TV show. Come on, I’m on Chuck right now! No? Uh, The Insider? Daybreak? Firefly? The last season of Angel? Please, just give me a show that will last more than one season! Please! I can’t be the next Ted McGinley!

The Package

We have a commentary track with Steven Brill, Kristofor Brown, Troy Gentile, Nate Hartley and David Dorfman. The director and writer dominate the talk track with the kids only popping in on occasions. It is a little boring. They are all trying to keep it funny, but it gets monotonous quick.

The Writers get a Chance to Talk is a telephone conversation between Seth Rogen and Kristofor Brown. It is played over still photographs. They actually talk about the choppy style of the script, but Rogen somehow believes it was hilarious. It checks in around 14 minutes in length.

The Deleted/Extended Scenes clock in at around seventeen minutes. How long did they think this movie was going to be? Most of them are extended scenes and only to inject more humor into the script. Line-O-Rama is a group of one liners given throughout the script, most of which are not in the movie. They are actually funnier than the movie itself. There is a four minute gag reel that is a mixture of accidents that hurt someone or funny lines that break up the cast.

Rap Off (3:38) is the training session for Troy Gentile and Alex Frost’s rap battle. Sprinkler Day (3:27) takes a look at the scene where Drillbit sets off the sprinklers at the school. Most of it talks to actor Josh Peck (Ronnie). Bully (3:02) looks at Alex Frost and Josh Peck’s performance as the bullies. Directing Kids (3:03) talks to director Steven Brill about directing the kids. The Real Don: Danny McBride (5:47) talks to McBride, one of the homeless guys about his role in the movie. Previews for other movies round out the extras.

4.6 out of 10

BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Lionsgate
MSRP: $34.98
RATED: PG-13
RUNNING TIME: 97 min
SPECIAL FEATURES: 

• Birth of the Shadowman
• Becoming Sydney
• Shadow World: Seeing the Dead
• The Eye: An Explosive Finale
• Trailer

The Pitch

Jessica Alba sees dead people

The Humans

Director: David Moreau and Xavier Palud

Writer: Sebastian Gutierrez

Cinematographer: Jeffrey Jur

Cast: Jessica Alba, Alessandro Nivola, Parker Posey

The only reason to watch this movie

The Nutshell

Sydney has been blind since a childhood accident. Since that time, her heightened senses have served her well and she is now a famed concert violinist. Her sister persuades her to receive a cornea transplant. The procedure works and she regains her vision. Now she can see dead people.

The Lowdown

I couldn’t stop thinking about The Sixth Sense as I watched The Eye. At one point in the movie, Sydney’s doctor actually says “You see dead people?” and it made me laugh. It also made me realize how I had seen this story before, done better, and that crippled my enjoyment of this lackluster PG-13 horror movie tremendously.

The Eye is a remake of the Pang brother’s 2002 film of the same name. After a short confusing prologue, the movie begins when Sydney (Alba) is being taken in to get a cornea transplant by her sister (Posey). Following her transplant, she awakes to find she has regained her vision. She meets a young cancer patient, who tells her not to be afraid because the world is a beautiful place.

Jessica Alba pres for her next scene: Lion Face. Lemon Face. Lion Face. Lemon Face. Break it Down!

Unfortunately for Sydney, the world is not a beautiful place for her anymore. On the first night after her transplant, she wakes to see her hospital roommate being led out of the room by some kind of specter. When she follows them into the hallway they disappear. Soon, things start to fall apart and she starts to see a number of strange things, ranging from her room transforming into a strange place and a number of people who might not really be there.

She approaches her therapist (Nivola) and tells him about these visions, which he has trouble taking seriously. The doctor is placed into the movie as a romantic interest and plays off Sydney’s insecurities throughout. The biggest problem is the movie doesn’t know if it wants to be a ghost story or not. Sydney knows the visions are based on things seen by the former owner of the eyes.

These visions only seem to serve the purpose of the script. Sydney sees people who have just died, at the scene of their accident. She sees people who died in the past and she sees people who are going to die. She also sees the specters that lead the dead to the afterlife, referred to as shadowmen. How she is ever supposed to figure what is going on is beyond me. However, she convinces the doctor to risk his job and finds who the original donor was and sets out to find what happened to her.

Things got shaky when the money started to run out on the production

This is where the original feature differs from this U.S. remake. The original movie does not have a happy ending and the U.S. version can’t even get that right, ending the movie with a big dumb action set piece. What makes the Pang brothers version so much better was their insistence on keeping it a horror movie instead of a big, dumb action flick. That last sequence where Sydney finally figures out what the visions are trying to tell her is the most exciting part of the movie, yet betrays the entire premise at heart.

The problem with these PG-13 remakes of Asian horror flicks is the fact they are trying to cater to widespread American movie goers and the movies are neutered as a result. This movie is a plodding, slow moving horror movie that has no real scares. The ghosts and the horrific moments are lame and might scare a teenage girl, but I don’t see how they would affect anyone else in any way. With so many great, smaller independent horror offerings, this big budget attempt just fails on the grounds of its unoriginality and failure to capitalize on an interesting premise. If you can’t at least match the original offering, just leave the remakes alone.

“I see dead people” – copyrite infringment 001

The Package

There are a number of deleted scenes. None are interesting and all are insignificant to the plot.

Birth of the Shadowman (1:38) is a very short feature that discusses the creation of the shadowman, which was portrayed Brett A. Haworth and was shot entirely on green screen. Becoming Sydney (4:48) is another short feature and goes into detail Jessica Alba’s transformation into the character of a blind violinist. Shadow World: Seeing the Dead (8:32) is a feature that explains how the events in this movie could be a possible in real life. The Eye: An Explosive Finale (6:08) is a feature telling how they shot the climax of the movie. It’s pretty funny because they storyboarded using actual matchbox cars. The features on the first disc are rounded out with the trailer.

The second disc in this 2-Disc Special Edition is the digital copy. Boo!

5.6 out of 10

One of my favorite New Beverly theater moments here in LA was hanging around outside the theater talking to Jim Abrahams and David Zucker, two thirds of the comedy geniuses who brought us Airplane! and Top Secret. At the time Zucker mentioned his new movie, An American Carol, but nothing he said indicated to me that he had lost his mind. Now that the storyline of the movie has come out, I fear he’s gone batshit insane.

The movie is about an ‘anti-American’ (read: Michael Moore) filmmaker who is shown the true meaning of America by three ghosts. Says Politico:

As with many of Zucker’s earlier films, his latest japefest is
loaded with sight gags and a litany of one-liners, but there are few
sacred cows. Along with many Muslim terrorists named Mohammed, even
severely handicapped children are subject to the film’s screwball
comedy. Jimmy Carter shows up for a brief razzing, but far more
relevant Dems, including Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton, seem
conspicuous in their absence.

Instead, Zucker (with co-writer Myrna Sokoloff) mocks the usual
conservative targets: ACLU attorneys, liberal colleges and anti-war
protesters. The movie saves its most severe scorn for the main
character, a slovenly documentary filmmaker based on Oscar winner
Michael Moore. The attack is literally scorched-earth style: In a
climactic scene, Moore’s stand-in (here named “Michael Malone”) finds
political clarity at the smoking ruins of the World Trade Center while
the admonishing ghost of George Washington (played by Jon Voight) hovers
nearby.

I want to run that by you again:

In a
climactic scene, Moore’s stand-in (here named “Michael Malone”) finds
political clarity at the smoking ruins of the World Trade Center while
the admonishing ghost of George Washington (played by Jon Voight) hovers
nearby.

Holy shit.

Dennis Hopper, Kelsey Grammar (apparently playing Patton?), Leslie Nielsen and James Woods also star.

Politico ran this last week, but I missed it until a poster at Hollywood Elsewhere linked to it. Today the picture was picked up by Vivendi Entertainment, who plan to release the film ‘wide’ on October 3. I can’t wait to see this bizarre fucking thing for myself.

Howard Stern might be taking his obvious (if diminishing) resemblance to Joey Ramone a bit too far. In addition to lining up a gig producing a remake of Porky’s, the former king of all media is working with producer Larry Levinson on a remake of Roger Corman’s intentionally silly ’50s throwback student revolt picture and Ramones vehicle Rock N Roll High School. Who better to write such a thing than Bill S. Preston, Esq? Alex Winter, who says ‘this movie seemed so ripe for a remake’ will script.

My first reaction is to think this is an utterly pointless enterprise much like the Death Race 2000 prequel you’ll see in a couple weeks. If the Ramones could reprise their role as the band that ultimately incites students to destroy their school, we might be able to get somewhere. Casting the band 30 years later could be a way to get some entertaining perspective on how things have changed, but it’s too late for that now.

But just as I have to admit that parts of the new Death Race are actually a lot of fun (even if, and sometimes because the movie is so resolutely stupid) I wonder if this could actually be entertaining. It’s not like the original is an untouchable classic. (Though the cast is: Clint Howard, Mary Woronov, Paul Bartel, Dick Miller, Don Steele, etc.) And the same approach that worked the first time — reworking a throwback ’50s high school rebellion story — could work just as well now if the base material was ’80s high school comedies.

It all hinges on the band, of course, and what group now would possibly have the same sort of underground cred, simple power and awkward charisma as the Ramones? Part of me would love to see Stern and Winter put together a new version based around rappers, but even then who’s the go-to artist? 

While you brainstorm, enjoy the trailer for the original below.

I’ve heard a steady stream of good early comments about Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, enough that the teen love story/comedy is high on my radar for the fall. But while this trailer starts off well with a nice bit of familiar Michael Cera failure, it soon moves into the realm of rote and faceless ‘teen night out’ comedies; blur out the faces of Cera and Kat Dennings and this could be an ad for any of a hundred movies.

I hope this is just shoddy, pandering marketing. This is meant to be a movie about music to some extent, and despite the fact that we see a bit of Cera (unconvincingly) playing in a band there’s no correlation between the film’s title and the plot we’re spoon-fed here.

JJ Abrams and half his Star Trek cast were at Comic Con last weekend, but his movie was barely anywhere to be seen outside of a poster giveaway. JJ lamented that he wished that he could have brought the movie, but that the studio was just so not interested, and besides, the FX aren’t done.

Leaving aside that nobody at Comic Con gives a shit about the FX in a Star Trek film (and ignoring that Sony brought Venom in rough form for Spider-Man 3 two years ago and that Universal brought King Kong in fucking wireframe), there’s plenty he could have brought. Like, say a picture of Chris Pine in the captain’s chair in uniform. Or anyone in uniform. But JJ’s secrecy machine precludes this, so he’s hiding even the outfits from fans.

TrekMovie, though, has broken the secrecy and revealed the startling truth behind the new costumes: they look pretty much like the ones in the original series!

TrekMovie has talked about the uniforms with multiple sources and has confirmed that, just like on The Original Series,
Scotty (Simon Pegg) and Uhura (Zoe Saldana) will be wearing red as will
other actors and extras in engineering, security and communications.
Spock (Zachary Quinto) and Bones (Karl Urban) will be we in Blue, as
will others in science and medical. And Sulu (John Cho), Chekov (Anton
Yelchin) will join Kirk (Pine) in command gold…

According to TrekMovie sources, the Starfleet uniforms on the Enterprise are the element of this film closest to The Original Series
in design. They are comprised of very dark grey (almost black) pants
and boots for the men and mini skirts and boots for the women along
with the previously mentioned shirts. For the women’s outfits, the
mini-skirts are a bit longer than TOS and they have both short-sleeved
and long-sleeved versions, and at least one female member of the crew
will be wearing pants. The biggest difference with the tops is that
they are comprised of two pieces, with a very dark grey (almost black)
undershirt and the over shirt of the appropriate color, with a slight
v-neck. The undershirt forms what looks like a black collar, similar to
the TOS uniforms. As TrekMovie’s closer look at the new poster reveals
(above), the colored uniform blouses have small ‘delta shield’ emblems
woven into the fabric (this is most apparent on Saldana’s). Also, the
shirt Chris Pine is wearing in the new poster appears to be uniform
undershirt. Another change is the rank insignia which is said to be
similar but more simplified in design. Lastly, the delta shield emblem
is actually a pin instead of being sewn into the top, but still retains
the department variations on the design. Regardless of the few
differences, from a distance the new uniforms are almost
indistinguishable from those of The Original Series.

I am completely excited by this new movie. I love the original Star Trek – I had blueprints of the Enterprise hanging on my wall years before there was a Next Generation (yes, I was that much of a nerd as a boy). This is one of my most anticipated films of 2009, and I don’t want to be the guy telling Abrams how to promote his movie*, but I’m hearing from people on the inside that no one is happy with this cloaking device around the picture. Magazines have been looking to feature Star Trek and have been rebuffed. I understand that the secrecy worked with Cloverfield, but Star Trek is a franchise that needs to be re-introduced to the mainstream. Look at how The X-Files tanked; even ignoring how bad it was, the way Fox kept it secret ensured that no one outside of the fan base gave a shit about the movie, and it turned out the fan base wasn’t that big. How big is the Star Trek fanbase anymore? Big enough to open the film at number one, but big enough to make back what I keep hearing is a very sizable budget?

JJ, let your images go. Let us see these costumes. Let us get used to these actors in these roles. Nobody needs to see space battle footage, we would be happy to see Bones walking down a corridor being snarky to Spock. Help us understand why you cast this motley group and give us some faith. Look at how Zack Snyder has been working the fans; I happen to know that he’s very involved in the timing and choices of what gets put out there, and I think him introducing Watchmen to the world isn’t that dissimilar from you re-introducing Star Trek.

I want to love your movie, JJ. I want to gush over your pictures. I want to embed your clips. I want to tell naysayers that they’re dumb. But you’re just not giving us anything to work with.

*yes I do

I love magic. I love watching a really good illusionist work. I even like watching annoying illusionists work – people like Criss Angel.

Angel recently did a stunt in Florida where he was chained up inside a building that was about to be imploded. He had two and a half minutes to get out of his chains, run upstairs through locked doors and meet a helicopter on the roof. In the stunt he didn’t make it. The building imploded, apparently with him inside of it. Shocked producers and camera crews came running to the rubble only to find that Criss, dusty and beat up, had in fact survived a building implosion.

Of course he didn’t. One of the things Angel I’ve seen Angel do on his show is make stunts go ‘wrong’ – it’s fun to see an escape go bad and the resulting mayhem. It’s always faked. It’s a fucking illusion. That’s the point.

When Angel did his stunt in Florida the geniuses at the local Fox News outlet had their chopper in the sky to capture it all. And those same geniuses have now produced a special report that claims… wait for it… that Criss Angel did not in fact perform magic. It was faked. They have footage of Angel running out of a nearby building into the wreckage, getting into place so he could be ‘discovered’ by his camera crew.

Ladies and gentlemen, investigative reporting.

Obviously these Fox News people are blathering morons. Yeah, Criss Angel is kind of irritating, and he’s probably not really breaking any ground in the world of illusion, but the startling expose that he didn’t actually survive an entire building exploding on his head – an expose presented as skepticism! – makes me wish Angel did have powers from the Lord of Darkness.

I will give Fox News one thing on this – I think Angel did cheat in an unfun way. They looked at the video feed from inside the building and it appears that the footage of Angel running through the halls was pre-taped. I don’t mind being tricked – it’s why I like watching magicians work – but that’s cheating. The stunt could have been done just as well without the cameras inside the building, and he should have done so.

Years ago I went to a taping of a Penn and Teller show where they did a number of magic tricks in a transparent way, so that you could see the fakery in action. Some magicians hated them for that, but I liked the idea that they were targetting the most hoary illusions, sort of forcing the craft to move forward a little. In the Criss Angel case I don’t mind the sleight of hand being spotlighted, I’m just weirded out that Fox News is presenting it like they’re saving us from being fooled.

Next week on Fox News: Was Luke Skywalker even a real person? A special investigative report into the so-called Star Wars! You’ll be shocked by the truth.

All my little internet babies is all growns up. I can’t turn around without one of my friendly competitors getting a movie deal. The latest are Mr. Eric Vespe and Mr. Kristoffer Aaron Morgan, both of Aint It Cool News (Quint and Kraken respectively) whose film The Home is going to be getting made with some special effects from the crazies at WETA.

Eric wrote the sucker while Kris will be directing. Here’s the synopsis: A visceral horror thriller, THE HOME unfolds after a firefighter is nearly killed during a failed rescue that leaves him physically and emotionally scarred. To recuperate, he is taken to a secluded nursing home where the elderly residents appear to be suffering from delusions. But after witnessing a violent attack, he soon realizes that the screams behind the walls are caused by more than hallucinations, and the residents are being preyed upon by twisted, monstrous nightmares that lurk within the home itself.

What’s awesome about the project is that they’re going as practical as possible. I really feel like the pendulum has swung on practical effects work, and it makes me happy.

I saw Quint a bunch at Comic Con, and the last time I ran into him we were looking at old movie posters in the true nerd section of the Con floor, all the way in the back. It’s where you buy bootleg DVDs from Japan and old ass posters and weird movie memorabilia. There are some dudes in the web world who may be moving on to the movies who don’t have a real passion for cinema, but Eric does. Even if I’m occassionally befuddled by the movies he has in his Movie a Day series. You really hadn’t seen Meatballs, Quint?!?!

I’m excited for Kris and Eric, and I hope that the movie ends up being as cool as it sounds like it could be.

This isn’t nearly as magnificent a release as the eventual unveiling of the Comic Con footage will be, but until the few minutes of great clips shown in Hall H can stream on your screen, take comfort from the four new Watchmen images Empire has as exclusives. And if you’re mentally stuck in the comic shops of the ’90s, the mag’s pair of variant covers should pique some interest as well. (Check out all the pics here.)

Warner Brothers might have learned something from the Iron Man campaign, though I’d guess they’ll be starting the flow of material earlier than Paramount and Marvel did. The image is going to go on for the next seven months as the film’s release approaches. Expect all manner of outlets to have their own special stills, until you could probably assemble your own version of the comic from all the shots.

But hey, doesn’t Rorschach’s mask just look fantastic?