BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Artisan
MSRP: $14.98
RATED: R
RUNNING TIME: 105 min.
SPECIAL FEATURES:
• chapter search. make it chapter 11.

Emily was transfixed by the Leave It to Beaver marathon.

The Lowdown

"Man, that limey’s taillights are really bright. And he’s driving backwards."

Then there’s the visual strategy: ‘40s London is represented through matte paintings, miniatures, rear-projection, and forced-perspective sets. Is this a stylized world seen through the eyes of movie-crazy sociopaths… or merely period production on a low budget? Director Bernard Rose has exhibited a strong vision on other projects: his previous film was the little-seen Paperhouse (1988) and he followed with the underrated Candyman (1992), but here his efforts come across as wannabe Dennis Potter. The less said about the ‘Hollywood-style’ fantasy point-of-view sequences, the better.

The Big Cheap.

Sutherland and Lloyd do what they can. The later scenes give them the best material to work with, and Lloyd in particular really comes alive once the blood starts to flow. A sequence midway through, in which ‘Georgina’ goads ‘Rick’ into bludgeoning a friendly hitchhiker, is the one perfectly judged point in the film.

The musical score is worth a brief mention. Fans of the animated Batman series will recognize the signature tones of the late Shirley Walker, mixed in among Hans Zimmer’s more conventional big-band arrangements. I can’t comment on Mike Southon’s cinematography, for reasons to be explained below.

"You’re gonna have to tap me harder than that, big guy."

The Package

If the American message/allegory in The Hills Have Eyes wasn’t subtle enough, viewers won’t have to think too hard when they view the upcoming sequel on March 2, 2007.

As you know, in The Hills Have Eyes 2, families have learned taking shortcuts through remote deserts is for suckers. But the National Guard hasn’t. Taking a page from the Aliens meets Southern Comfort book of sequels, we learn yet again that armed soldiers do not an ass-kicking force make when training missions turn into rescue missions turn into shooting, screaming, we’re dead missions.

The trailer was released a few weeks ago and for your first-person refreshment, can be found here, but there’s some juicy images for your deconstructing pleasure not in the teaser. One, (pictured here) shows us a lovely looking National Guard soldier getting the piss choked out of her by Thing after 40 years of living as a hermit in the desert. Or is it a loving embrace? There’s a couple others at the official site, one including a group of National Guardsmen (looking exactly like actors dressed up like National Guardsmen) all tore up and limping out of a shanty.

The Hills Have Eyes 2 will be directed by Martin Weisz, music video auteur de jour, with a script by Wes and Jonathan Craven. THHE 2 stars some beautiful people who don’t really look like any Guardsmen I’ve known or seen, because people who look like thin-armed, brow-tweezed and flowey-haired models usually don’t go into the Guard, they go into modeling and schools for bad acting.

What is the definition of passion for a project? Let’s looks at some quotes from George Lucas in regards to the next Indiana Jones film, which apparently will begin shooting for real next year:

Good news. Now you can heap even more loathing upon what Resident Evil has wrought in the lusty makeout session between gaming and film. In a bid to subsidize costs from an increasingly tough market in gaming, Capcom, the video game developer of classics like Vulgus, Kai, Block Block and… oh yeah, Resident Evil and Street Fighter, is expanding their ambition for all things licensed.

With Resident Evil‘s success, Devil May Cry and Onimusha under development and Street Fighter giving a double nut kick to Bison and Jean-Claude Van Damme in 2008, the Japanese video game powerhouse is on the move with not only licensing, but production as well. At the very least, Capcom will be more heavily involved with film and game tie-ins not seen since the spectacularity that was and is Cadillacs and Dinosaurs. They’ve even hired a Hollywood liason (Germaine Gioia, formerly of THQ) and have plans in moving some Japanese developers to LA. Will Capcom’s Hollywood push include potential film properties of Dead Rising (time to sue, Mr. Romero!), Lost Planet (pictured above) and Megaman? Who knows, but this move seems a natural progression for a big gaming company like Capcom, as game developers and Hollywood tighten their derivative grip on one another.

While involvement like this can only resurrect the teased out debate of video game movies always sucking, the video game aspect is irrelevant. A bad video game movie isn’t any more terrible than a bad book, short story, skit, screenplay or based-on movie. Terrible movies that dry hump 2-3 hours of our lives at a time are bad based on execution, (be it acting, directing, production design, budget, etc.) not simply because the source material happened to be based on a video game (check out any one of the worst of 2006 lists). Unfortunately, bad doesn’t mean unsuccessful, as the Resident Evil series is Sony Pictures most successful franchise, right behind Spider-man.

At some point, the time and love will be invested in material coming out of a video game to put the whole argument to rest. In the mean time, does this just mean more shitty genre movies, or seeds of genre hope being planted for a future of fun cinemetic entertainment? You decide.

BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE
STUDIO: Touchstone
MSRP: $29.99
RATED: PG-13
RUNNING TIME: 118 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:
• "The Beautiful Game" featurette
• "Behind the Pitch" featurette
• Full-length commentary
• Happy Mondays’ music video
• Highlights from World Cup games

The Pitch

"It’s
every soccer-loving kid’s dream come true!"

The Humans

Kuno
Becker, Stephen Dillane (King Arthur), Anna Friel (the bloody
countess in the upcoming Bathory)

The Nutshell

Think, if
you will, of life as algebra. 0 + x
> 11. Let x be a protagonist. Until
we know what x is, the inequality stands.
Over the course of a given feel-good movie, the value of x increases until it satisfies the conditions of the inequality.

They
don’t call math "the beautiful sport" for nothin’.

Enthusiasm. I like it.

The Lowdown

There are
genres that stray too often into formula, and then there are genres that exist
only as a formula. The garden-variety inspirational film fits into the latter.
The term "inspirational" applies to those films which replicate a
certain character arc: starting from point A, or "the bottom," and
rising to point B, or "realization of wildest, unrealistic dreams." There
are methods to avoid tripping over well-worn ruts in the writing of inspirational
stories, but they all sketch the same exponential graph of time against
character achievement.

Despite
the sincerity of many entries in the genre (Miracle, for example),
there is something almost adolescent about the way they are adapted for the
screen. Their stories represent pure fantasy. "Gee," says the child.
"It sure would be neat if my favorite sports team would pick me, out of a
group of my peers, to play professional ball with them. I would be so
cool." Your fantasies may vary. Mine usually do. The drama is in the
distance traveled between points A and B, not in the nature of the destination.

However,
the natures of both the origin and the destination define the characters; when
those character aspects are dismissed and folded into the formula, then we get
a boring movie. Goal! is just such a movie. All the nuance and interest in our
protagonist Santiago‘s origin is baked out of the
script. His family are illegal immigrants; his father doesn’t want him to dream
for anything big; and he has asthma. These obstacles are broad, and
featureless. What’s worse, they’re transient. The story kicks through its plot
points with barely a glance over its should for the impact the past might have
on the present. Another contribution to the movie’s smooth, unnatural feel.

Sweet Zombie… Mother Mary?

There are
some nice diversions along the way, though. The soccer matches are nimbly paced
and exciting throughout, which is good since they crop up pretty frequently.
The ferocity of opposition shown by Santaigo’s father is initially compelling,
but stands as too transient an obstacle to successfully inject much drama into
the proceedings.

I’m kind
of tired of the mode of inspirational storytelling that operates under the
creed "the ends obviate the means." In order to get a true sense that
the protagonist accomplishes something, the beginning of the journey has to be
as compelling as the end. Goal! smoothes over the
complications that are so necessary when, well, overcoming complications. Such
featureless distance, combined with an unchallenging role for the lead, make
the film energetic but directionless.

The good
news is that if you violently disagree with my criticism, there are two sequels
in production.

Are you inspired yet?

The Package

This is a
decently filled disc, with very little in the way of fluff material. There’s a
featurette called "The Beautiful Game" which is essentially a profile
of the game of soccer and its worldwide following. Another featurette,
"Behind the Pitch," targets the most interesting of behind-the-scenes
topics: that of how the on-field scenes were shot and choreographed.

The
full-length audio commentary with the filmmakers is decent as far as these
things go, and offers a good context for the creation of the story, the casting
of Santiago, and the cultural interest behind
a soccer movie featuring a quasi-American.

The other
two features are less noteworthy, being a music video from the band Happy
Mondays, and a highlight reel from World Cup games.

5.5 out of 10

As much as we can give George Lucas plenty of shit for
ruining his own Star Wars franchise with the subpar prequel films, the guy
knows how to keep that machine moving forward. His latest bid to make sure Star
Wars (and all of its ancillary products, now available at all fine retailers
near you) stays in the public eye is to essentially take over the Rose Bowl
Parade on New Years Day.

Lucas is going to be the grand marshal of the parade, and he’s
going to bring a “Star Wars Spectacular” with him. The Spectacular will include
two floats – one representing Naboo, the other representing the Forest Moon of
Endor, complete with Ewoks swinging from trees, 200 storm troopers, eight Twi’lek
dancing girls and the 176 piece Grambling State U marching band, who will be
playing “Main Title,” “Imperial March” and “The Throne Room” from the Star Wars
soundtrack (now available at all finer record stores near you).

The storm troopers won’t just be any old dudes in costume –
they’ll be members of the 501^st Legion, a national group of people
dedicated to making Civil War re-enactors look cool – these people buy and
maintain their own completely accurate replica Star Wars outfits, which costs
them in the hundreds and hundreds of dollars. They then gather and discuss what
a mockery they have made of the life God has given them. At the parade many of them plan to stand very near the Twi’leks but never actually engage in any conversation with them.

Lucas put out a call to his Legion, and he got 700 audition
tapes. This isn’t the first time that Lucas has mobilized his personal army of
IT professionals and comic store employees – he had members of the 501^st
show up at Episode III premieres around the world. What’s disturbing about
this, though, is that Lucas can activate these people at any time – essentially
he’s the Osama bin Laden of a great, unwashed sleeper cell of Al Queera
terrorists all over the world. While our attention was overseas the real threat
was forming right here at home. What Star Wars movie did I see that in, anyway…

(BTW, yes, those are really the members of the 501st drilling for the parade. Photo by Roy Wuang from their home page)

Finally, a “Create Your Own Poster” contest that I think will really let your sick little imaginations fly. The contest is for Primeval, coming in April, and the image kit (which you can download below) is filled with stuff like what you see on the right. I love it. I love the severed hand with an eyeball sitting next to it. It turns out I am easily amused.

The killer is a giant crocodile. I don’t know why this is being kept secret in the advertising since I think it’s fucking awesome. But just so you know when you’re coming up with the sickest possible poster, it’s a big ass croc.

What a weird year. For the longest time it felt like the year wouldn’t have enough standout entries that I’d have to rely on them to fill the year but thankfully, things righted themselves rather quick and one of the more diverse years unfolded. It’s not an easy year for individual awards, but a very nice one for years. It’s also nice to have a few less snooty choices in here.

Devin was the main opinion behind the site in 2006, and though I piped in when I could, now’s my chance to finally share with you guys my picks for the best of the best. It’s not a very controversial list.

Or is it?

My Worst from 2006
My Worst from 2005
My Best from 2005

15. Hostel (Devin’s Review) (Russ’s Review) (Buy the DVD)

The fact an Eli Roth is on my "Best Of" list scares me more than any horror film. I hated Cabin Fever. Hated it. I also hated seeing a guy who had one film under his belt lumped alongside (called Masters of Horror before Showtime ruined the term) the greats of the genre before truly earning it. After this, he’s getting there. What is considered ‘torture porn’ by many somehow has stuck to my ribs long after I saw it, and it’s one of the better DVD releases of the year because of it. Though I had more fun with Feast and Slither, this is the horror flick to make my list. So much for me not liking Eli Roth.

Current Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Mutilated lips gives a kiss on the wrist…

Performance to
Savor: Eythor Gudjonsson. Pronounce that shit on your own time.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: “A singular horror flick in a year filled with copycats!”

14. Rocky Balboa (CHUD Review)

I wanted to like this, I really did. How could I not? It’s a Rocky film, a rite of passage or at least a chance to see polished, shirtless men delivering flurries of hateful punches upon one another. Thankfully, Stallone’s return to the form is a return to form and a heated security blanket on a cold winter’s eve. It’s got enough flaws to fill Mickey’s coffin, but it still retains that magic. And Cuff and Link’s ancestors are in it. That goes a long way.

Current Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Nothing goes down smoother than vintage Balboa.

Performance to
Savor: Stallone!

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: “That old sonovabitch still has juice in him yet!”

13. Running Scared (CHUD Review) (DVD Review) (Buy the DVD)

Wayne Kramer already cut his teeth with The Cooler, but this was a revelation, a violent and profane romp through the looking glass and actual proof that Paul Walker could carry the shit out of a film if he wanted to. A really stylish and creative romp that doesn’t flinch from ultraviolence or ultrapubichair. This is a really unique film and one that deserves to be seen. It’s not really a guilty pleasure, either. It’s an actual pleasure. New Line came out of the gate strong with this, and then it all went to shit.

Current Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Impressive filmmaking. Great work by Paul Walker and Vera Farmiga. That child molesting scene.

Performance to
Savor: Gulp… Paul Walker.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: “A sleeper in the truest sense of the term. See this flick!”

12. Crank (CHUD Review) (Buy the DVD)

The most manic and fucking insane major release of the year, this little bastard is amazingly crafted entertainment, fueled by genius and powered by nitrous oxide and semen. Jason Statham spends an hour and a half being the baddest, baldest action hero looking for adrenalin you’ll ever see. Without rules, action films are capable of so much, and this is proof of it. Stay through the credits too.

Current Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: The most playful and inventive filmmaking in town. Jason Statham kicking all the ass he can muster. Video game undercurrents.

Performance to
Savor: The Transporter.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: “If you don’t enjoy this you belong in Amanda Plummer.”

11. The Good Shepherd (CHUD Review)

It’s paced like a snail’s Kama Sutra, but it works. Robert Deniro and Eric Roth’s detailed look at the birth of the CIA through trials and tribulations with the Soviets, Cubans, and our own double agents is a rewarding one and though Angelina Jolie is wasted as the neglected wife and Matt Damon doesn’t age as convincingly as one would hope, there’s a lot to love here. Very subdued work by Damon is complemented by a really nice turn by Oleg Stefan as his Russian adversary. A nice smart thriller in a year that needed one.

Current Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: A new facet to Matt Damon. Robert Richardson at the top of his game. Great supporting work from Deniro, Baldwin, and more.

Performance to
Savor: Oleg Stefan.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: “A rich and complex bit of American cinema. Now touch my nipples!”

10. The Illusionist (Buy the DVD)

In a year where it was The Prestige and "that other magic film", I was surprised that it was this one which resonated with me more. neither really hid their tricks and twists far up their sleeves and both featured very solid acting work but this film just felt more timeless and less gimmicky. It also featured fantastic work by Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti (under an unrecognizable voice) and very tactful filmmaking by Neil Burger, whose earlier Interview with the Assassin is another one I dig. A nice little flick.

Current Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Gorgeous photography. Great acting. A sense of period that’s uncommon.

Performance to
Savor: Giamatti.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: “Who needs twists when you have plain ol’ good acting?”

9. Casino Royale (CHUD Review)

It’s too long and features one set piece too many, but this is a James Bond film for the ages, a top fiver if not higher. Though Parkour has been done better in other films, Casino Royale hits the ground running and doesn’t let up until Daniel Craig has all but erased a few really shitty films and the huge wasted opportunities with great Bond men named Timothy and Pierce. A lovely effort that makes you wonder just how cool it can get in the future.

Current Rating: 8.3 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Sober storytelling and classic James Bond sense of feel. Daniel Craig IS Bond. A smaller and more realistic backdrop works in spades for a franchise that didn’t deserve the grace it got.

Performance to
Savor: Craig.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: “Blunt instruments feel nice!”

8. Thank You For Smoking (Buy the DVD)

This flick is great even with Cameron Bright’s alien visage in a major role. That’s impressive. Jason Reitman’s film is a bright and masterfully edited bit of satire and cynicism brewed with attitude and filled with really great acting work throughout. Something about seeing Robert Duvall, David Koechner, Robe Lowe, and J.K. Simmons surrounding an absolutely at the top of his game Aaron Eckhart warms the heart. And other places.

Current Rating: 8.7 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Great supporting work around an amazing central performance. Great comic timing and editing. Amazing opening credits.

Performance to
Savor: Eckhart is on fire. Shame thsi didn’t come out in the fall. There’s a Best Actor nom for this boy that’ll go undelivered.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: "Grab a mint julep and enjoy a great little movie!"

7. Miami Vice (CHUD Review) (Order the DVD)

How could Miami Vice ever be an interesting concept as a film? When Michael Mann’s in charge, baby. This is an uncompromising and superbly odd summer action movie, one that has no interest in catering to stereotypes and convention. Good for him and good for us, for this is one of the most surprising big budget films I’ve seen in a long time. I liked it so much I could feel me coming in the air tonight.

Current Rating: 8.9 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Michael Mann, the man.

Performance to
Savor: Colin Farrell.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: "A sucky show becomes a wonderful film!"

6. United 93 (CHUD Review) (Order the DVD) (DVD Review)

I cannot believe I not only saw, but liked both September 11th themed films this year. This one is astonishing both in its fairness in every direction and its ability to never once milk the plentiful opportunities is has to preach, coast on our memories, or get too patriotic just for the sake of it. Paul Greengrass has already established that he’s without peer these days at finding the marrow of political issues and getting right to it. This is a work of grace.

Current Rating: 9.1 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Peerless storytelling. One of the most dramatic moments in world history.

Performance to
Savor: Real-life participant Ben Sliney.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: "Too soon? Just soon enough, apparently."

5. Borat (CHUD Review)

It’s sp easy to get swept up in the backlash, but I have no doubt in my mind that this film is one of the all-time classic comedies in the grand scheme. This is Spinal Tap, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Trading Places, Animal Crackers, whatever your hallowed halls are filled with. 2006 was a very good year for comedy with Beerfest, Thank You For Smoking, Jackass II, and Talladega Nights. This is the golden cherry on top. Sacha Baron Cohen is a virtuoso and there’s no doubt in my mind about it. This is a funny and wicked little film and one that will outlive the hate bombs thrown at it for its overexposure and watercooler mimickry.

Current Rating: 9.1 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Fearless comic brilliance.

Performance to
Savor: Duh.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: "What the hell just happened to me?"

4. Children of Men (CHUD Review)

Current Rating: 9.2 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Amazingly confident filmmaking. Amazing work by Clive Owen. True Science Fiction theory and logic. Balls, lots of ’em.

Performance to
Savor: Clive.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: "A mind fuck, or at least a mind blowjob!"

3. The Fountain (CHUD Review) (Order the Graphic Novel)

I still can’t believe this film exists. It’s as if someone allowed Darren Aronofsky to go back to the late 60’s and create an art film masquerading as mainstream entertainment. That the mainstream didn’t give this much of a chance is proof of the mainstream’s failures as a demographic. This is an amazing emotional and spritual journey that doesn’t pander to its audience and doesn’t have the gall to try to create a mystique in a long running time. Seriously, this year marks the true arrival of the three legendary filmmakers of the next twenty years. Darren’s one of them.

Current Rating: 9.5 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Darren Aronofsky unloading full-on brilliance and unrestrained romanticism.

Performance to
Savor: Hugh Jackman ain’t boring no more.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: "A classic science fiction film."

2. The Departed (CHUD Review) (Order the DVD)

This is the most entertaining movie of the year. One of my favorite scripts, especially adapted ones, in a very long time. It’s funny as hell, rich and layered with stuff that resonates with each viewing, and loaded with explosive violence that recalls Scorsese’s best work. This is his most fun movie, but it’s also one of his best. Infernal Affairs is fine, but this is legendary.

Current Rating: 9.7 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: An ensemble that is the definition of an ensemble. How the heck did this many leading men share a screen without a moment of distraction? Thelma Schoonmaker is a Goddess.

Performance to
Savor: Leo. Matt. Jack. Alec. Martin. Mark. And on and on…

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: "Films like this come around only 5 or 6 times a lifetime!"

1. Pan’s Labyrinth (My Review, Devin’s Review)

This film is alive. Every frame pulses with imagination and magic, and anyone who still doesn’t get the genius of Guillermo del Toro needs to just see this to understand what kind of insane and slightly fucked toolbox the man is working with. It’s no coincidence that folks like Spielberg, Soderbergh, Darabont, and many more like them geek out over his work. It’s that fucking good.

Current Rating: 9.8 out of 10

Contributing
Factors: Guillermo del Toro firing on all cylinders.

Performance to
Savor: Captain Vidal, baby.

P.R. CHUD.com
Pull-Quote: "The most imaginative, original, and inspiring film in a decade."

Honorable mentions: Hard Candy. Dreamgirls. Dead Man’s Shoes. The Amateurs. Monster House. Slither. Brick. A Scanner Darkly. The Prestige. World Trade Center. Babel.

Wish I could have seen: Little Children. Behind the Mask.

Discuss this column here.

Today is the eleventy-first birthday of projected film. Is that experience, the big audience seeing a movie projected on a screen, about to slip on a ring and sneak away from its own party? I don’t think so, but it’s at a crossroads that will determine if it’ll be around for another 111 years.

And for most of the past 111 someone or other has prophesied the end of the movies. Doomsayers pointed at every technological advance as the coming killer – talkies will destroy the movies! – but none was as scary as the invention of television. That little box in the living room terrified the purveyors of big movies. Why would people go out and pay when they could be entertained at home for free? In response movies got quite literally bigger, as wider and wider widescreen lenses and film stocks were pushed to highlight the difference between the little screen at home and the huge one at the theater.

I saw Rocky Balboa as a paying member of the public last week. The experience was fantastic. The crowd cheered and clapped throughout, and the energy in the room was palpable. The movie created reactions, and those reactions created more reactions in the crowd – it just kept building. Other people saw Rocky Balboa at home – MGM sent out awards screener DVDs. I imagine that many of the people who saw Rocky Balboa on DVD have nice TVs, and excellent sound systems. They probably have very comfortable couches that are aligned to create the perfect audio-visual experience. But they didn’t have 200 people shouting at the screen when Rocky struggled back to his feet during the climactic fight scene. There’s no substitute for that.

I’d seen this image of Optimus Prime doing his best Mr. Universe impression with glowing eyes and ribcage a few days ago, but since it was on the cover of Empire, and since Optimus Prime can be seen in bootlegged sketches all over the internet and since this reveal was covered in a few other places, I forbore. In the mean time, I’ve received a couple emails from folks who wanted us to cover it, so being a new-blooded bitch out to buy friends and manipulate people, here it is: Frank Miller’s Optimus Prime via Empire magazine. Well, if it was actually done by Frank Miller. Which it wasn’t. Or if Frank Miller actually did his signature style in 3D. Which he didn’t.

And so, with the release of the trailer, Transformers hype is in the infancy of hump your leg mode– before all the inevitable whimpering and howling. To be honest, I’ve been totally uninterested in this movie until seeing the trailer last week. While I haven’t gone out to buy the toys in the name of my little guy or boned up on the names/history I’ve forgotten since 1986, I am a little butterflies-in-my-gut for this movie– and I’m not the only one. In what may be proof-positive that Transformers has a good chance of transcending the toy collector/genre-lover circle of box office death, even my buddy’s wife, a Jane Austin-loving kind of gal, got all giddy at seeing the clip.

The name of the game is still "wait and see", but at the very least- I’ve never seen a Bay movie I couldn’t capture a frame from and make a postcard out of.