Best of all, he has a hard on. I am not making this up.

Here’s the entire press release:

After quality printing and enhancement, a Bigfoot photo taken 9/27/06 on an expedition in CA
can now be shown.
Bigfoot was photographed while unseen in High Sierras of CA, when members of
a camping trip
encountered screams by a possible Bigfoot in reponse to "Call blasting"
of other bigfoot screams, and found several old Bigfoot tracks. However,
during a walk around the other side of a pond at the El Dorado National Forest
Site, ( between Stockton and Lake Tahoe) Jon-Erik Beckjord investigated a spot where girlfriend Chris Pitts*
had seen a brief flash of what seemed like Bigfoot from the previous day,
and while standing there, took several photos of the campsite looking
across the pond. In two photos in 35mm color, using a pocket camera, there
appears to be a Bigfoot creature standing by a camp vehicle, looking back
at the camera. A head, torso, and a well-muscled arm are visible. Also, many people
are able to see a male organ on the creature in the photo. The head
has a strong and wide nose. In one shot, Ms Pitts is standing 30 feet away
and in the other, she is not visible. The film was 200 asa Kodak color print film. Shot 5 was normal view, and shot 6 was telephoto. Beckjord, the photographer, did not see the creature, some 200 feet away, as often happens
at this site during previous expeditions. Assuming the car is 5.5 ft in height, the creature looks to be about 10 ft. For some reason,
these creatures feel safer when men are out of the camp area, such as across a creek or pond, at least 200 feet away. (Perhaps
they are traumatized by deer hunters with rifles, and are cautious.) In any case, they are more timid than chimps
at Gombe Stream, where Dr. Jane Goodall did her research. Dr. Goodall has stated several times that she feels there is
possibility that such large primates as these may inhabit North America.
Several biologists have viewed the image, and one has been willing to make a limited statement. Dr. Thomas Tomasi
of SW Missouri State Univ., says that it looks to him like "a large unidentified primate".
People on the street, of all backgrounds, from doctors to clerks, say: "What’s that big monkey?"
Queries can be made at 510-878-2468 with email rudyrudy3@comcast.net

The photo on this page has a red circle around what Beckjord claims is Bigfoot cock. For more pictures, visit their site by clicking here.

Happy Halloween.

Further, I have bought every trade paperback of Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead even though all it does is remind me how much of a missed opportunity it is. I guess it’s good, because it allows me to develop my own surely brilliant zombie ideas without fear of overlap but the problem is I WANT TO LIKE IT. It should be like a warm blanket for me, a guy for whom zombies were a seminal part of the formative years. Each page of The Walking Dead should create little Indy 500’s in my bloodstream, furious races by blood cells on a quest towards my engorgement. But alas.

Zombies are so much better than vampires and serial killers. More fun that radioactive mutants and a lot less fucking annoying than pale Japanese chicks with spooky long hair but the bulk of this "zombie craze" does little to inspire me. Land of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, World War Z, and 28 Days Later (and to some extent the Dawn of the Dead remake, though that’s a remake and thusly not new) are all that really feels right to me, though people seem content to just do zombie stuff all over the map these days with reckless abandon. When reckless abandon isn’t reckless enough there’s stuff like the press release that flew through my fleshy inbox flap: word that the Marvel Zombies were returning, this time in a crossover with none other than Ash of the Evil Dead flicks. In comic form of course.

I never thought I’d be tired of Ash. Never. Now, thanks to bad video games, comic books (aside from the John Bolton one from Dark Horse) and silly toys and multiple DVD releases the character and franchise feel as vital and warming as Star Wars. The franchise is lame. Lame!

If you’d have told me in 1988 that I’d cringe at an Evil Dead product, I’d slap you in the jowls. Then again, in 1988 I’d have given my left leg for an Ash/Marvel Universe crossover. Now they feel like four color digitally colored Judases, sending me out of my childhood comfort zone onto a cross of my own making, left to writhe in the heat while my sacred characters become even more foreign to me.

Of course, I could be making a mountain out of a molehill. But, fuck molehills!

Here’s the press release:

Last week I received a DVD with the first three episodes and I have to say that there’s a real mixed bag here. The good news is that the episode premiering this Friday, John Landis’ macabrely funny Family, is one of the best episodes the series has done so far, coming in just behind Joe Dante’s masterful Homecoming. The first episode, The Damned Thing, which has aired already and will be repeated tonight, is among the worst of the series, clocking just behind last year’s Dance of the Dead (what do these two episodes have in common? They’re both terribly directed by Tobe Hooper). The third episode on the DVD is Ernest Dickerson’s The V Word, an episode that come very close to being quite good.

The Damned Thing is supposedly an adaptation of an Ambrose Pierce short story, but I can’t imagine Pierce wrote many tales that involved people having their intestines ripped out. That scene, along with a very creepy one where a guy kills himself by hammering his own skull, is the highlight of this incoherent episode about a stygian evil (apparently composed of pixels) that has cursed a Texas town. Ted Raimi makes a… ‘unique’ appearance as a priest who gives you bullets instead of Hail Marys in the confessional. One thing I’ll say for this episode is that it looks pretty sharp when Hooper isn’t doing all sorts of frame dropping and speed cranking nonsense – I sense that the budgets this season have been upped.

Landis’ Deer Woman was an OK entry in last year’s Masters of Horror, mostly hurt by the continued presence of Brian Benben and not enough naked Deer Woman. His latest episode, Family, has no nudity but soars thanks to the continued presence of George Wendt as a strange bachelor in a suburban neighborhood who has a family of skeletons hidden in his home. It’s sort of like Desperate Norman Bates; Wendt stalks and kills people who he thinks would make fine additions to his family. The opening scene is a killer as Landis’ camera swoops and tracks through Wendt’s suburban wonderland home, finally catching up to him in the basement where he’s using acid to melt the flesh off an old man. There’s another terrific shot at the end of the episode where a mini-camera is shoved up someone’s nose to capture the back of their throat as they scream in agony.

The problem with Family is that it’s too long. The episode has a devilishly fun Tales From the Crypt feel to it, but at an hour it feels too bloated. The original comics would have told this story in six to eight pages; the HBO series in 28 minutes.

With the withdrawal of Universal and Fox from the muy expensive video game movie, Microsoft and Peter Jackson’s Wingnut have decided to lay the movie to rest for a little while. But they’ll get a free life, they claim:

As was previously confirmed, we deeply regret that both Universal and Fox did not choose to move forward with financing the Halo film under the original terms of the agreement. At this time Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh, along with their partner, Microsoft, have mutually agreed to postpone making a feature film based on the Halo video game universe until we can fulfill the promise we made to millions of Halo fans throughout the world that we would settle for no less than bringing a first class film to the big screen. We are fully supportive of Director Neill Blomkamp’s vision of the film. Neill is a tremendously gifted filmmaker and his preliminary work on Halo is truly awe-inspiring. While it will undoubtedly take a little longer for Halo to reach the big screen, we are confident that the final feature film will be well worth the wait.

Oh well, another brainless big budget blow-em-up bites the dust. More and more I feel like we’re living in something approaching post-Cleopatra time, when the studios couldn’t figure out why throwing insane amounts of money at over-hyped spectacle films didn’t work anymore. Only this time instead of the movie brats taking over the system, they’ve got pretty free reign over the “classics” divisions of the studios – as long as they keep the budget in a reasonable place.

The first film will be called The Argentine, which is sort of like a sequel to The Motorcycle Diaries. It opens as Che and a band of Cuban exiles (including the seemingly immortal Fidel Castro) sneak into Cuba in 1956, beginning their two year war against US-friendly dictator Batista and royally fucking up Michael Corleone’s New Years Eve.

The second film is called Guerilla, and it starts in 1964 when Che spoke at the UN, and follows him as he leaves Cuba to spread revolution in South America. He was eventually captured and executed in Bolivia. Soderbergh already shot the UN footage while visiting New York to do press for his teeny weenie DV movie, Bubble. The UN building was about to undergo renovation and Soderbergh wanted to get the old look on film before it was too late.

Peter Buchman (who also wrote… Eragon?!?) has written the scripts for both films, and is working with a translator to put the dialogue into Spanish. I guess Soderbergh has decided these films will be his arthouse entries for 2008. What’s exceptionally interesting is that Soderbergh has been shooting a Che documentary while doing research for the films, and has on-camera interviews with men who fought alongside Guevera. This is shaping up to be an utterly fascinating project.

And an infuriating one, if you’re a right winger. Che pisses the right off in a big way, which I think is a pretty glaring sign of their hypocrisy – they’re more than willing to paper over any atrocities committed by Americans, but Che’s potential crimes (including politically motivated executions) are unforgivable. I wonder how Che’s death toll stacks up against Nixon’s kills in his illegal Cambodian war.

Aside from the myriad of enjoyable scenes, it’s really James Gunn’s characters (read Devin’s interview with him here) and the situations they’re forced into that really makes me shower favorable praise onto it. Clark Gregg’s potty-mouthed mayor being a major catalyst. The DVD, meanwhile, is pretty stacked (check out our exclusive extra) with such exquisite features as ‘Who is Bill Pardy?,’ where Nathan Fillion is subjected to degradation on an epic scale. In addition, there are also these extras to whet your insatiable appetite:

– Audio commentary with Gunn and Fillion
– A Making-of: The Sick Minds and Slimy Days of Slither
– Slithery Set Tour with Fillion
– Brining Slither’s Creatures to Life
– Deleted Scenes
– Extended Scenes
– Gag Reel

More importantly, sitting right next to me is a Widescreen copy of Slither. And you could win it.

1. What about Slither fires your loins?
2. Which Slither-themed drink would you have at a screening party? (this is definitely a congregational film made better through friends and liquor).
3. Tell me, in any means possible (whether it be drawings, poems, haikus, dirty lyrics, and/or questionable weblinks), why you want this DVD and how that urgent, salacious need puts you above everybody else.

Remember to follow the instructions above. Be creative! Don’t just give me one word answers. Those who do will fail. Hard.

It didn’t start out this way. I had fully fired up my cranium to discuss the weekly barrage of DVD releases with my usual uninformed slobbering gusto, but instead, you’re going to have to settle with the trickiest of all informants: yourself. As scary as that may sound, at least you can use this impromptu guide to figure out which title will donkey-punch your wallet with minimal head trauma. Like High School, this will surely speedy by quickly.

First, a few things. The Devils Rain you should see. Not only does William Shatner don a badge, but John Travolta shows up and the Devil comes down from Georgia to fellate everyone involved. Mission: Impossible 3 came out today. Plus, it should be duly noted that if you’re a Baywatch fan, these “Seasons” aren’t quite entire ones. A couple of episodes have been exercised because First Look Pictures couldn’t wrangle the epic cadre of lawyers needed to negotiate rights issues. Finally, I wish all of you a proper Hallows Eve greeting, may your reign of terror be fruitful and scot-free of the law.

Check out some of the SE’s approved multi-region DVD retailers:
xploitedcinema.com, HkFlix.com, diabolikdvd.com, Uk’s Play.com, DDDHouse, and YesAsia.com

Peruse THIS MESSAGE BOARD THREAD if you crave other Region Free DVD options.

deepdiscountdvd.com:
Mission: Impossible 3 is $21.78 (CE is $24.79)
The Devil’s Rain is $10.79
Fast Food is $12.08
Keeping up with the Steins is $21.77
Bird Flu: Fatal Contact in America is $18.36
Heart Stopper is $16.19
It’s a Wonderful Life: CE is $13.67
Tales of the Rat Fink is $11.96
The Human Factor is $10.79
Baywatch: Season 1 is $23.28
Baywatch: Season 2 is $23.28
CSI: Miami Season 4 is $45.78
Ghost Whisperer: Season 1 is $41.77
Tales from the Crypt: Season 5 is $28.76
Kids in the Hall: Complete DVD Megaset is $143.97
Martin & Lewis Collection: Vol. 1 is $34.86
Tarzan Collection: Vol. 2 is $27.75
Gods & Generals/Gettysburg 2-Pack is $13.37
Cinderella Man, The Ice Harvest, Kicking & Screaming, Prime, Problem Child 2-Pack, Skeleton Key, and the Smokey and the Bandit: SE are all $10.57/each

Amazon.com:
Click On ANY Of The Titles Below For Links
Mission: Impossible 3 is $14.99 (CE is $20.78)
Fast Food is $18.69
Keeping up with the Steins is $19.87
Bird Flu: Fatal Contact in America is $18.69
Heart Stopper is $18.99
It’s a Wonderful Life: CE is $13.87
Tales of the Rat Fink is $14.99
The Human Factor is $11.19
Baywatch: Season 1 is $18.87
Baywatch: Season 2 is $18.87
Ghost Whisperer: Season 1 is $39.99
Tales from the Crypt: Season 5 is $27.99
Kids in the Hall: Complete DVD Megaset is $179.99
Martin & Lewis Collection: Vol. 1 is $37.49
Tarzan Collection: Vol. 2 is $27.85
Justice League of America: Seasons 1 and 2 are $22.99 each

Target.com:
Monster House, X-Men: The Last Stand, Click: SE, Nacho Libre, and Over the Hedge are all $15.99/each (if you’re able to score a hardcopy of this ad, most stores will price match and give you 10% off on top of it)
Mission: Impossible 3 is $15.99 (CE is $22.99)
Mission: Impossible 3-pack is $24.99
Fast Food is $18.69
Keeping up with the Steins is $19.87
Bird Flu: Fatal Contact in America is $18.69
Tales of the Rat Fink is $14.99
The Human Factor is $11.19
Baywatch: Season 1 is $24.99 + get a FREE $5 giftcard
Baywatch: Season 2 is $24.99 + get a FREE $5 giftcard
Ghost Whisperer: Season 1 is $39.99 + get a FREE $5 giftcard
Tales from the Crypt: Season 5 is $27.99
Kids in the Hall: Complete DVD Megaset is $179.99
Martin & Lewis Collection: Vol. 1 is $37.49
Tarzan Collection: Vol. 2 is $27.85
$10 DVDs – Napoleon Dynamite and The Notebook

Circuit City.com:
Mission: Impossible 3 is $13.99 (CE is $22.99)
Mission: Impossible 3-pack is $34.99
The Devil’s Rain is $12.99
Fast Food is $19.99
Keeping up with the Steins is $24.99
Bird Flu: Fatal Contact in America is $24.97
Heart Stopper is $19.99
It’s a Wonderful Life: CE is $17.99
Tales of the Rat Fink is $15.99
The Human Factor is $12.99
Baywatch: Season 1 is $19.99
Baywatch: Season 2 is $19.99
CSI: Miami Season 4 is $45.99
Ghost Whisperer: Season 1 is $39.99
Tales from the Crypt: Season 5 is $25.99
Tales from the Crypt: Seasons 1, 2, 3, and 4 are $19.99/each
Kids in the Hall: Complete DVD Megaset is $239.95
Kids in the Hall: Complete DVD Megaset is $39.99
Tarzan Collection: Vol. 2 is $34.99
Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift is $13.99
$6.99 DVDs – Vanilla Sky, The Firm, Top Gun: SE, Days of Thunder, Collateral, and War of the Worlds
2 for $10 DVDs – Spy Game: CE, Jacob’s Ladder, The Bone Collector, Gia, Born On The Fourth Of July: Special Edition, The General’s Daughter, Natural Born Killers: Director’s Cut, Patch Adams, The Wood, The Color Of Money, Intolerable Cruelty, The Best Man, Fear, Big Trouble In Little China, Double Jeopardy, The Hot Chick, The Brothers, Blue Crush, For Love Of The Game, Harlem Nights, Private Parts, Juice, Scent Of A Woman, What Dreams May Come, Enemy At The Gates, The Jackal, Enter The Dragon: Special Edition, Crooklyn, The Tuskegee Airmen, and Red Dragon

Best Buy.com:
Mission: Impossible 3 is $14.99 (CE is $22.99) + get a FREE M:I Bonus DVD
The Devil’s Rain is $12.99
Fast Food is $14.99
Keeping up with the Steins is $19.99
Bird Flu: Fatal Contact in America is $22.99
It’s a Wonderful Life: CE is $14.99
Tales of the Rat Fink is $17.99
The Human Factor is $12.99
Baywatch: Season 1 is $19.99 + get a FREE 1 year subscription to Maxim
Baywatch: Season 2 is $19.99 + get a FREE 1 year subscription to Maxim
CSI: Miami Season 4 is $49.99
Ghost Whisperer: Season 1 is $39.99
Tales from the Crypt: Season 5 is $25.99
Tales from the Crypt: Seasons 1, 2, 3, and 4 are $19.99/each
Kids in the Hall: Complete DVD Megaset is not listed
Martin & Lewis Collection: Vol. 1 is not listed
Tarzan Collection: Vol. 2 is $34.99
Buy 1 SE, get 1 SE Free ($19.99 each) – must be purchased on same receipt – Million Dollar Baby, Black Hawk Down: 3 DVD Deluxe Edition, JFK: Special Edition, Dr. Strangelove: 40th Anniversary Special Edition, The Color Purple: Special Edition, Magnolia: Platinum Series, Dogma: Special Edition, Boogie Nights, Gothika: Special Edition, True Romance: Special Edition, Constantine: Deluxe Edition, The Outsiders: Special Edition, The Right Stuff: Special Edition, Heat: Special Edition, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest: Special Edition, Purple Rain: Special Edition, Enter The Dragon: Special Edition, Memento: Special Edition, Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves Special Edition, Rebel Without A Cause: Special Edition, Stand By Me: Deluxe Edition, Once Upon A Time In America, Mystic River: 3 Disc Deluxe Edition, Bullitt: Special Edition, The Lost Boys: Special Edition, Se7en: Platinum Series, Boyz In The Hood: Anniversary Edition, The Shawshank Redemption: 2 DVD Special Edition, Leon The Professional: Deluxe Edition, and The Fifth Element

Furious Anger

While you might be expressing it this week (yet again) for my lack of coherency/breath of blurbs, rest assured, this situation is only temporary. Feel free to strike down upon your keyboard with great vengeance.

chud.special.edition@gmail.com

Next week leaves a carefully placed calling card on top of a basement filled with water with Cars, James Bond: Ultimate Collections 1 and 2, Kevin Smith: Evening Harder, Police Squad: The Complete Series, Oh! What A Lovely War, 90210: Season One, Melrose Place: Season One, The Forest, Transformers: 20th Anniversary Edition, Ark II, and my personal recommendations of Marlon Brando: The Signature Collection with Julius Caesar and Mutiny on the Bounty and The Gary Cooper Signature Collection, complete with The Fountainhead and Hawks’ sublime Sergeant York: Special Edition. Until then.