INTERVIEW: THE ROCK

 Not many tough guys would be so comfortable poking fun at their personas, but The Rock goes all out. In Be Cool, he lets himself get beaten up, he plays his trademark eyebrow gesture as a ridiculous mockery, and he plays gay. He commits to it with no fear, and ends up adding depth to his tough guy image.

It may sound like this is a highly controversial role and The Rock would be dodgy to talk about it in interviews. Not so. The Rock is proud of his departure, and he has no qualms about the gay thing, the flamboyant costumes or singing.

Rock plays Elliot Wilhelm, bodyguard to Raji, a corrupt music executive. But Elliot really wants to be a star himself, so even when he has to take on Chili to protect Raji’s assets, he hits him up for an audition. It’s more self-referential Elmore Leonard entertainment industry gangster satire in Be Cool.

Q: How much leeway did you have with your character, considering it’s based on a book?

Rock: Actually I had a lot of leeway and latitude with F. Gary Gray, especially with a character like this, where we were starting from scratch basically, and although Elliot was written in the novel by Elmore, still nonetheless, we had to start from scratch. In terms of drawing from things in my own life, I connected with Elliott. Here’s this aspiring actor — that was me five years ago, probably about the time where I met a lot of you guys. And this is a guy who doesn’t have any money — that was me eight years ago. I was lucky in my life because I had a lot of positive gay influences, and my mentor for many, many, many years is a strong, proud, steadfast, truthful gay man, who by the way I’ve literally seen kick a lot of people’s asses. And I say that not that he was a violent man, but he was a former professional wrestler.

Q. Who is he?

Rock: His name is Pat Patterson.

Q: What was it like working with Travolta and letting him take you down?

Rock: Well, John is great. As you guys know, John is such a warm guy. He’s very very supportive. I obviously had never worked with John before, nor had I met him. I met him at rehearsals. He was so kind and supportive then. You know here this iconic legend and working with him was a thrill and a pleasure for me. And it’s interesting how quickly he was able to take me down too. When I saw a cut of the movie it’s like [whoosh] and I’m just down. But John was absolutely great. John was fantastic.

Q: Do Chili’s moves work?

Rock: Yeah, absolutely. You can paralyze somebody when you strike them correctly at the correct place and point in their neck. So and that was one of the first moves that he did, but he actually took it easy on me so my character wasn’t paralyzed. So yeah, they work in a way.

Q: Was this the first time you’ve used guns in a movie?

Rock: I used a gun in Rundown. It wasn’t until the end of the movie that I actually find the gun, and in Walking Tall he used a gun. So yeah.

Q: Are you comfortable with them?

Rock: I feel comfortable with guns. I’ve had guns in the past, so the good thing is that on movies, on the set you have advisors and people who are well versed at using guns who are always there to help you, to make sure that the safety’s right and you’re using them correctly.


Q: Had you ever sung before?

 Rock: No, I’ve never sung before, certainly not in movies. I drive my family and my friends crazy every time I think I’m going to win a Grammy or something like that, but the as far as for this song, that was another way of trying to think, and I sat down with Gary, “Well, how can we make Elliott more interesting?” I told Gary, "What if he wants to sing to?" And he says, "Well, what do you think he would sing? Like RnB?" "No, he’s an artist and he may have an old soul he’d might like to sing… Loretta Lynn." I came up with that because one of my favorite movies is Coal Miner’s Daughter and I know Sissy Spacek sung her own songs in that, so I thought, yeah he might want to sing “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man.” It makes sense, a gay man singing to another gay man, sure.

Q: What was that dance you do at the end?

Rock: Again, Elliott is now completely out and free and living his dream on stage for millions of people. He would do his customary Samoan slap dance. I called my cousins from Hawaii who are professional dancers. They were there with me, they came up, and we choreographed that number. It was so exciting. Of course, that’s another funny scene too where here Elliott is, he doesn’t want to leave the stage.

Q: That’s an authentic Samoan dance?

Rock: Yeah, absolutely. I was so excited to showcase that, for that to be a big part of the character’s growth. At the end of the movie, he’s out and he’s free. He’s this proud, gay man who now is on the cusp of living his dreams and he’s on stage performing in front of millions of people. To break out in that dance was awesome.

Q: Are you worried about your fans’ reaction to you playing a gay character, and a stupid character?

Rock: Number one, I think the audience that I have and my fans — no, I think they’re going to be very supportive because at the end of the day I have always wanted to entertain, and I think they would just appreciate [my] taking on the role. And as far as being stupid, I’ve got to disagree with you. I don’t think Elliot is a stupid man. I think he’s an earnest man who’s genuine. And by the way, I’m sure you guys have come in contact with them. That’s the reality of Hollywood and the entertainment business. There’s a lot of people like Elliot out there right now. You can go outside and they are those aspiring actors who’ll drop a monologue on you at the drop of a dime. And by the way I live it every day, people who come up to me, "Hey, I got this idea, I got a cd, you want to [hear it?] I got a script . . ." so I’ve seen that before.

Q: Do you anticipate any criticism from the gay community?

Rock: Well, I’ll tell you. I hope I don’t because it was important to me from the get-go because I didn’t want to turn anything really into a mockery or Saturday Night Live skit, but try and play it as straight as I possibly could, no pun intended, and again it goes back to my ideology. In my interpretation of what being what a gay man is, and the strength of that, so again, bringing that over to Elliot, so no. The temperature that I’m reading from the gay community and the gauge from the gay community has all been very, very positive. So hopefully, it will stay that way. But my intent was just to play a guy who wanted to make it and whom I could connect with, and not only that, but he just happened to be gay. And if you didn’t like it, he’d be happy to kick somebody’s ass.

Q: What similarities are there between the music and wrestling worlds?

Rock: I think there’s a lot of similarities. I think over-all the entertainment industry, period. There’s a seedy underbelly to the wrestling world, the movie business, to the music business as well. I wasn’t that familiar with the music business, or at least that side of it. Speaking to John Travolta over the months of us filming, as well as Andre, knowing a lot of musicians, it’s a pretty accurate depiction of what goes on. We made it funny, we poked fun at it, but the reality of it is true.

Q. Are you saying goodbye to the eyebrow thing forever?

Rock: No. That was one of the great things to me too. I love self-deprecating humor, I’ve always been a big fan of that, and to have that joke run through the movie, “Look, I’ve got talent! How can you not see this?” I thought that was a great joke too. But no, if there’s another creative way to throw that in there to make fun of myself, sure.

Q: Since most of your scenes are with him, what was it like working with Vince Vaughn?

 Rock: Vince was great to work with, and I’ve known Vince for a little while now. We had talked about doing something together, and we had this opportunity. You don’t quite know, especially with two crazy characters like this, with Elliot, and he’s a bad ass during the day and a gay man at night — not a gay man at night, but in his private time he likes to put on the blue outfit, the cowboy outfit, with the red boots — and Vince Vaughn, who is one of the few actors in Hollywood who is taller than I am — he’s all of six five, and looking up at him, he’s this Jewish character, dressing like a pimp, walking black, talking black, and so funny. And Gary had given us a lot of leeway in the scenes to improvise and ad lib, and just go for it. We had prepared for so long with our characters and Gary was great with everything, and there was one particular scene where I finally had enough of him using derogatory terms, calling me names, so I stopped the car, and we started running around the car. I think pretty much all that was ad libbed. And it was great for me, because I just had to sell it in my face. I had no idea what Vince was going to say from, “Twinkle twinkle little star” to “stop hating, you gotta start participating.” Vince was great.

Q: Will you ever forgive F. Gary Gray for Punk’d?

Rock: [Laughs] I’ll never forgive that Gary Gray for Punk’d and one day I’m going to get him back. I mean that in a loving way. What happened on Punk’d, if you guys didn’t see, F. Gary Gray and everyone was involved in blowing up my trailer. It was actually a great punk, but what happened is that it almost escalated into a big brawl. Because it reached the point where there was a cop here and I wound up like shoving the cop and then going after this one guy. And the cop was actually one of the actors from MTV, so once I found out I was punked I was actually really relieved. I could have been in trouble.

Q: How long did it take to grow the afro?

Rock: The Afro was a wig. I grew out my hair to probably about an inch or so and then put the Afro on. I looked good, right?

Q: How much time was spent determining your look?

Rock: There were many, many days on the look of Elliot, starting from scratch, unlike with Chili Palmer. John obviously slipped right into that role like a glove. But it was everything from how he would dress to how he would look to the earrings, wanting to show somewhat of a juxtaposition between how he looked during the day, this badass, and then his private time, what he would put on.

Q: Were you familiar with the novel?

Rock: I was familiar with Elmore’s work, for sure and the script was sent to me. I didn’t read the book. The script was sent to me and it’s interesting because the script was sent and my agent said, "Hey, you should check the script out. It’s an adaptation of an Elmore Leonard novel, and it will be the sequel to Get Shorty, and the character’s name will be Elliot . . . I think it would be fantastic. Read it." So I said okay. I’m reading it, and it says Elliott Wilhelm, age 30, aspiring actor, talented, raises one eyebrow… and gay. Okay. And I read it, and it was fantastic. Really, really well written.

Q: What stage are you in in the evolution of a movie star?

Rock: I’m not too sure. That’s a tough question because if I had a chart in front of me, then I could tell you, “Oh, maybe I’m there.” I have no idea.

Q: What about going from action to comedy and then a drama next?

Rock: Oh, like that. I would love to. I’m actually doing an inspirational drama this summer. I’m going to do that and I just got off another action movie, Doom, which will be out in the summer. So if that’s what you’re talking about in terms of the evolution, then I’d like to continue to do all genres in movies.

Q: Tell us about those upcoming movies?

Rock: Doom is a video game adaptation that’s basically like a sci-fi horror and it has a great writer, John Wells, who of course you guys know. I’m very excited about that and the writing is great. It’s with Universal. The drama is called Gridiron Gang and it’s going to be with Sony and it’s a true story. It takes place in a teenage prison camp and one man changing, literally transforming all these kids’ lives. It’s really, really incredible. It takes place up in Malibu. Up in the Malibu mountains there’s a couple of prison camps up there, and when kids can’t go to prison — say, for example, for murder — they get sent to these camps first. I’m the man, Sean Porter. 






Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email

2005 LIVE OSCAR COVERAGE

.Welcome to our collective nightmare…

As has been the case for ages now, CHUD.com will be running a live commentary on the Oscars show, complete with the results, bitchy comments, and maybe even a little insight. I’ll warn you, this will be R-rated and a lot of what I say is coming unedited. I fully expect to have to eat crow down the line regarding some of this so please grant me a sort of immunity if you’re one of the people I offend. It’s entertainment folks, or at least this site’s version of it.

As usual, there’s brilliant Chewer commentary on our message boards HERE and in the CHUD.com Chat Room HERE.

Here we go. Newest comments on the top…

11:40pm – What a boring show. Folks, thank you for hanging around. This is my personal last ever CHUD.com live Oscar coverage. Next year, there’ll be someone more cunning. Thank you, folks.


11:39pm – BEST PICTURE – MILLION DOLLAR BABY


11:35pm – Telegram from God…. Marty, you pissed me off in 1959 when you forgot to flush. Enjoy my punishment.


11:33pm – BEST DIRECTOR – CLINT EASTWOOD – MILLION DOLALR BABY


11:31pm – And millions of the kids of the world begin to hate Jamie Foxx for the beatings they’ll now be delivered per his recommendation.


11:27pm – BEST ACTOR – JAMIE FOXX – RAY


11:23pm – Call me a shrimp boat captain, but selling a car on the principle that it’s the best selling car is bullshit. How’s about being the best? There was a time when the Ford Escort was #1, and that car was Maximum Overdrive.


11:18pm – DESERVED. Way to go, Charles.


11:17pm – BEST SCREENPLAY – ETERNAL SUNSHINE O FTHE SPOTLESS MIND


11:17pm – I love when people are thanked for spreading life all around themselves. Like Peter North!


11:16pm – BEST FOREIGN FILM – THE SEA INSIDE


11:15pm – The best foriegn film of last year was definitely sdakjf;asdjfi a9wufaw9faji;dsf; ksadjfdklfasjasfdkiafs sdfkl;jfklj;fasf Charles.


11:14pm – My baseball fantasy draft starts at 11:45. Give Marty the award and be done with it!


11:11pm – The best thing ever. Sierra Mist’s website is www.mist-takes.com. Mist Takes. Hold on one second…

MIST TAKES


11:08pm – Swank deserves it. So does Swank the magazine. I like the trivia about her being the only lady ever nominated for playing a boxer. Apparently, Oscar has a different take on Jessica Tandy’s win.


10:52pm – BEST ACTRESS – HILARY SWANK


11:06pm – "I am Sean Penn and I hate laughs. Didn’t you see We’re No Angels? Plus, puppet comedy… THE WORST. Fuck puppets."


11:04pm – Jorge "The Glide" Drexler.


11:03pm – BEST SONG – MOTORCYCLE DIARIES


10:59pm – Ladies and gentlemen, tiny white musician Prince!


10:59pm – If anyone could create mangasm with her eyes, it is Bounced Knowles.


10:56pm – Arthur Miller, forgotten?


10:52pm – I’ll miss these fuckers. Man. Russ Meyer. Orbach. Ossie. Paul Winfield died? GOLDSMITH. Randall. Marlon. Sad shit. Where was Ray Charles? Hunter S. Shotapart?


10:49pm – Annette Bening’s hair appears courtesy of Footloose.


10:48pm – Is it wrong that I think of a female Paul when someone named Pauline is mentioned? Hey look, it’s Paul with breasts!


10:43pm – Marty found the only glasses more powerful than his eyebrows.


10:41pm – BEST SCORE – FINDING NEVERLAND


10:38upm – BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT – THE MIGHTY WORLD.


10:38pm – I don’t want to live on Autism World. And I never go to that theme park.


10:36pm – I called my last bowel movement Jake in Progress. John Stamos was there too!


10:34pm – The guy from Club Dread is Commercial Dan.


10:30pm – I’d fuck Banderas.


10:27pm – You know who is enjoying the show the most? The 11 poltergeists working in the sound team.


10:26pm – SOUND EFFECTS EDITING – THE INCREDIBLES


10:25pm – Salma Hayek made my pants go "boom".


10:24pm – BEST SOUND MIXING – RAY


10:22pm – I’m hungry for Mexican.


10:16pm – Robert Richardson thanks his son, Kiefer.


10:16pm – BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY – THE AVIATOR.


10:14pm – BEST ANIMATED SHORT – RYAN


10:13pm – BEST ANIMATED SHORT – MICKEY ROONEY


10:10pm – BEST SHORT – WASP. BEST 80’S METAL ACT, ALSO WASP!


10:11pm – Everything in this country must Gary McKentry? I agree!


10:10pm – Chris Rock thanks Bill Conti, who secretly plans his murder for the Rocky V gag.


10:08pm – Worst acting gig: "I was the guy pretending to be The Phantom of the Problems at the Oscar telecast."


10:07pm – I wish it were HARRY Knowles singing with the irate aloofness of Andrew Chris Webber.


10:061pm – Opray Winfrey presents… the ruination of men.


10:01pm – Mickey Rooney drinks from the cup Julian Glover didn’t find.


9:59pm – What if Lumet died and his last memory was of Vin Diesel’s guns pressing up against him?


9:53pm – How can I pay attention to Al Pacino’s speech after THOSE TITS?


9:52pm – Lumet is a master. Totally underappreciated. Bad ass McGovern.


9:50pm – Tabernacle of Talent? Why did he just name drop my penis?


9:49pm – BEST VISUAL EFFECTS – SPIDER-GENTLEMAN 2


9:49pm – Hooray for Sideways. Hooray that Jake is better looking than Maggie GyllenHallandOates.


9:46pm – BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – SIDEWAYS


9:44pm – I wonder if that was planned.


9:42pm – I’ve seen animated steak. I can officially retire my dream project, The Little Sirloin.


9:41pm – I hate the Snack Fairy. Sucker made Food Faggot lose his job.


9:39pm – 1 crow, 2 crows, 3 crows, FUCK COUNTING CROWS!


9:37pm – If it were Adam Duritz in the Garden of Eden, it may have actually happened.


9:35pm – Thelma is the Goddess of editing. And a cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller, as it turns out.


9:34pm – BEST EDITING – THE AVIATOR


9:33pm – I am fucking tired of the kids in Calcutta getting thanked at the Oscars.


9:32pm – BEST DOCUMENTARY – BORN INTO BROTHELS (xxx)


9:30pm – Carson was a God. Seriously. Some bearded guy got punted from Heaven earlier this year.


9:28pm – Whoopi Goldberg has no value. None.


9:25pm – Hmmmm. I’d have gone with someone else, but it’s hard not to love the Cate. Oh, and don’t tease Kirsten Dunst, Michael Myers, and Orlando Bloom if you want people to wait through commercials.


9:23pm – BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – CATE BLANCHETT – THE AVIATOR


9:21pm – Tim Robbins gets the business from Rock. Nice!


9:19pm – BEST COSTUMES – THE AVIATOR.


9:17pm – Pierce needs some Mick’s Vapor Rub.


9:16pm – Scarlett Johanssen presents… The I Can’t Speak English For Dick Awards!


9:14pm – Magic Johnson Theaters. The dick. Oh, and Rock’s showing some nervousness.


9:09pm – Billy Crudup is too good for commercials. FUCK. Then, Andie McDowall shows her putrescence on my set. Jeez.


9:07pm – The music they’re playing before the commercial is from 2002’s All-Star Baseball for the PS2.


9:05pm – Backing vocals by The Village of the Damned.


9:04pm – The "multi-talented Drew Barrymore". Someone at the Oscars is creative.


9:03pm – MEDUSA IS THANKED. I can die now.


8:59pm – BEST MAKEUP – LEMONY SNICKETT


9:01pm – I’d give $11 if Cate dimished to the West after finishing this presentation.


8:59pm – BEST ANIMATED FILM – THE INCREDIBLES


8:58pm – If The Incredibles doesn’t win, I’ll punch you.


8:56pm – Viagra joke, Robin Williams. You are timely.


8:54pm – Lesbian. It’s contagious!


8:53pm – Pepsi, thank you for RAPING Spartacus.


8:53pm – Clive Owen or Thomas Haden Church should have won but I didn’t know ol’ Morg hadn’t won yet. I forgive you for being a dick to me on the set of Dreamcatcher.


8:51pm – BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – MORGAN FREEMAN – MILLION DOLLAR BABY

8:47pm – Italians. Overrated.


8:46pm – ART DIRECTION – THE AVIATOR.


8:46pm – Halle Berry’s temperature post-Rock comment. 303 degrees. Couldn’t have happened to a better former Justic of the Piece.

8:42pm – Political joke running long.


8:42pm – Spike Lee, get rid of that hat or I will do the right thing to you.


8:38pm – Jude Law jab.I respect it, but that guy is a star.


8:28pm – Chris Rock, kick their asses. Please don’t become a puddle of schmaltz. Or Kirk Baltz.


8:26pm – Peeeenalope Cruz is one beautiful illegal alien.


8:24pm – Dietrich Bader deserves Dietrich Better.

8:16pm – Oh! The big twist was that the ladies were watching thier high school reunion!


8:20pm – I’ll be damned, Scarlett Johanssen is boring me. Please interview the Skiff Guards, Chris Connelly.


8:18pm – If they are going to interview someone, they’d better finish the goddamn job. I hate when they cut someone off after 2 milliseconds so they can pump out more interviews than men and women need to survive.


8:16pm – Kirsten Dunst’s brother has the same skull [on loan from the Predator’s ship].


8:11pm – Mike Madsen would have been equally stunning in that blue dress.


8:10pm – Billy Bush wouldn’t appreciate nuclear terror delivered all about his person, but I would.


8:07pm – I really needed to see Roberto Benigni right after dinner. FUCK.


8:06pm – Halle Berry should get crushed by Monster’s balls.


8:03pm – Billy Bush speaks to Hilary Swank’s thunderous curvature. He’s a little better than Mephisto. Maybe. How did he get rehired for this? Warren Beatty sees through his hateful facade. But, I must admit that I’m over Annette Bening.


7:59pm – Alicia’s lips continue to freak me out. Pratt Industries? Help us all.


7:52pm – Barbara
Walters asked Jamie Foxx how he keeps it real. Then, she turned her wig around and busted a pose. Fucking Kangol wig, the bitch is HIP.


7:49pm – A question to the readers. What’s more exciting, the Barbara Walters show or ants carrying a small fragment of Stockard Channing through the hill?


7:45pm – Jamie Foxx will win this year not because he’s black but because he fucking deserves it. That’s a nice change of pace at the Oscars.


7:40pm – Jamie Foxx just gave Barbara Walters the "the cock is on the way to you" look!


7:34pm – I am not looking forward to this touchy-feely Jamie Foxx interview. Not at all.


7:35pm – Remember Teri Hatcher in Tango & Cash? I’d have screwed Stallone to get to that woman. WOP never returned my calls.


7:29pm – I shot two pounds of estrogyn out of my nipples watching this Teri Hatcher interview. It was neat!


7:23pm – Alicia Silverstone’s mouth is controlled by Arcade. Muhammad Ali, TKO’d.


7:20pm – How hard is it to keep a Will Ferrell interview from being fun? Answered. Also, why is Teri Hatcher being interviewed for a FILM broadcast. She shot that career in the pouch. She’s a TVACTRESS now.


7:11pm – Barbara Walters asks Will Ferrell where the humor comes from. Because, obviously she doesn’t know. I find these interviews not unlike when Odin pulls my shorts down and punches me in the softness. I understand the value of these kind of interviews. It allows the regular folks to see these stars in a light different from their larger-than-life persona. It also paints them as ass boring. I’d advise you all to name your kids Magnus, or better yet… MAGNVS.







Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email

CROCKETT SIGHTINGS IN CALIFORNIA?

His hair is ALMOST snazzier than mine. Now, before I get to it, allow me to first say hello to the CHUD readership as I begin my new stint as news jockey extraordinare (a.k.a. prince of copy-and-paste commands). Hopefully my presence here will help give you guys even more variety in terms of actual news and editorial wit (that hopefully won’t be TOO mediocre). You’ve been warned!

Anyways…

I’ll admit that when I first heard that Miami Vice was coming to the big screen, my usual happy face turned a bit sour. There really seemed to be no need to revisit a show that, in retrospect, was more of a launching pad for a great talent (creator Michael Mann) than something screaming to be contemporized for the new millenium. Plus, it basked in the excesses of the 80s and Phil Collins. If there’s something that we need less of today, it’s the 80s and Phil Colins.

I will, however, defend all the talent involved as that is the only aspect at the moment that actually has me anticipating this film. I would follow Michael Mann (writer/director/producer) into Hades if I had to — watching the recent double-dip of Heat has only reinforced that. Jamie Foxx is slated to play Det. Ricardo Tubbs, and his fantastic work in Ray and Mann’s own Collateral has also seriously nabbed my respect. Even Colin Farrell (as Det. James "Sonny" Crockett pictured above) has made a fan out of me with his work in (of all films) Alexander.

Now, thanks to the kind souls at the Colin Farrell Fansite, we can now get a gander at the Irish hunk in all his loafer-wearing glory on the set of Miami Vice… in LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA. Okay, that’s kinda weird and a bit disappointing… I was hoping to see Mann use his newfound (and utterly great) digital cameras out in the Flordia locale. But knowing the director’s fondness for Southern Cali, I suppose it’s not too much of a surprise to see him take that route.

Sport Frank T.J. Mackey hair on our message boards.






Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email

INTERVIEW: JOAN ALLEN

We don’t usually get to see Joan Allen in a starring role. There’s only really been The Contender. Otherwise it’s been supporting roles in films like The Notebook, The Bourne Supremacy and Face/Off. Even big roles in Pleasantville and The Ice Storm cast her as an equal part in a big ensemble.

The Upside of Anger has a large cast, but Allen is clearly the star. She’s the bitter, middle aged sudden divorcee who spends the whole movie berating other behind and in front of their backs. She’s got a tumultuous romance with Kevin Costner, strained ties with her four daughters and a knock down drag out with Shep (played by writer/director Mike Binder) over his dating her teenage daughter.

Joan Allen is a delight to interview, a skilled thespian with plenty to say about her craft. She’s got a sense of humor about the occasional offbeat question, but it doesn’t break her stride. She also looks great gardening naked in Off the Map, a little indie film opening this weekend too if you get a chance to see that.

Q: Was this role written specifically for you?

Joan: Mike wrote it for me and so I was glad I opened my mouth a few years before that during The Contender and said, “Would you keep me in mind any time you do a comedy?” And he did and he wrote it for me. So, knock on wood about that, but I was really thrilled.

Q: Did you buy into that rhetoric about older women being bitter?

Joan: Well, that’s what I think is cool, because in some ways, he’s got a point. I mean, who wants to go out with Terry Anne Wolfmeyer. She’s not very fun. On the other hand, she’s got a point. It’s disgusting that you’re dating someone who is underage. Hello. That’s what I think is cool, is it sort of puts it out there and then you can kind of go, “Hmm, yeah, I mean, who would? I don’t think she’d be very fun to go out to dinner with.” But on the other hand, “Don’t sleep with a 16-year-old!” So I just like that he’s kind of throwing it out there very much.

Q: Did you want people falling over laughing at your comments?

Joan: Oh, people when I saw it in Sundance were falling out laughing. Falling out laughing.

Q: What about cringing?

Joan: Well, she’s tough. And I like that too about the character. I think Mike talked about and I thought about how society has a very hard time dealing with women’s anger period. And I think it gets pushed to the side, I think they don’t want to look at it, I think if a woman is angry she’s labeled immediately. And there’s a different standard for men and anger and women and anger. So not that this is such a huge thematic message film, because I think a lot of it is really cool entertainment, I think there is something out there like yeah, you know. She’s been incredibly hurt and that’s where a lot of anger I think comes from in general is somebody gets their feelings really, really hurt and enzymes or whatever start charging in and then you protect yourself. And one way of protecting yourself is to get really pissed off.

Q: Could this character outdrink Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas?

Joan: I think they’d really have — I think they might really be able to go toe to toe.

Q: What is your drink of choice?

Joan: My drink of choice is a little bit of white wine. And it’s funny, I couldn’t drink at all during the shooting. It was too grueling. I was working every day. We were working like 14 hour days and I was like my god, all you’ve got to do is go to work, do my thing and then I’d come home, look at my lines and collapse. It was almost like being an athlete to do this particular role. I kind of went into like training.

Q: Was it weird Shooting Americana in England?

Joan: I know, you kind of just sort of go well, whatever. We’re driving on the opposite side of the road to go to work. Okay. At first, when my agent first said, because I had shot the Sally Potter film which is coming out I think in June in the spring in London. But it takes place in London. And then I come home for like a month or two and then my agent said, “You know, Upside is going to happen” and I said, “Well, where are they going to shoot?” And he said, “Well, they’re talking about London.” And I said, “Oh, no.” But Mike Binder loves London. He’s shot there a lot and I also think at the time, it’s all sort of changed, they got a great tax deal.

 Q: Talk about the mother and daughter dynamic.

Joan: It was fun. All the actresses playing my daughters are just phenomenal. I mean, great people, wonderfully professional. They had so much experience. They’ve taken acting classes and singing and this and that. Talented, talented girls and we had a really great time. And they had a lot to put up with with a mother who’s not really looking after them very much, you know, at that particular time. They kind of have to fend for themselves in this particular moment in their family’s history.

Q: How did you turn that off between takes?

Joan: You just kind of turn it off. It’s kind of like that’s that. Pretend like okay, now I’m pretending that she’s really dark and angry.

Q: You’re able to do that?

Joan: Pretty much. Oh yeah. I mean, there are certain days when certain scenes, I can’t go in and out. It’s very emotional, really big sobbing or something. That day, I have to sort of go like this and remember what I have to do and I can’t in between takes just go, “Hey, how you doing?” But it really depends on the scene, but at night, I kind of go, “Okay, let’s see what’s going on…”

Q: Talk about your dynamic with Kevin. Had you worked together before?

Joan: I hadn’t worked with him. It’s one of those things. Sometimes it works, sometimes… I just thought the chemistry was really, really great. It was very relaxed and low key and we tried different things. And he was very game and I thought it was age appropriate relationship which was very nice. I thought that was really good and I think he and Mike had a very good dynamic.

Q: He’s a supporting character to your lead. Did you feel that off screen too?

Joan: I don’t think of stuff that way. I come from such an ensemble background. I worked in the Steppenwolf theater. It’s an ensemble and so yeah, one time you’re doing the lead. The next time you’re doing the this, you know. But I know Kevin’s history obviously. He has a lot more, usually, to say. I mean, he writes sometimes and he produces and he directs and he writes and so he really loved Mike I think and loved the project. And I think it was a really good part for him.

Q: How was dancing with him?

Joan: Oh, it was fun. I wish there was more of it. We got to actually dance more. I wish they kept that on screen a little bit longer.

Q: Being a director, how did he take direction?

Joan: You know, he always had ideas I think about what he wanted and how he wanted to maybe try the scene, but Mike was able to talk to him and say, “Well, think about this and think about this is what’s going on.” They had a really good dialogue going on.

Q: Did you see a little Shirley and Jack/Terms of Endearment?

Joan: A little bit. I did se that. That’s the closest thing that I could kind of sea.

Q: Who is easier to empathize with, this character or the one from The Notebook?

Joan: I empathized with both of them. I don’t know if I could calibrate it, one or the other. Maybe a little bit more with Terry in Upside. But usually, like people that behave that way usually have been hurt and as an actor, I usually look at what makes this person be this way. What happened in their life? So that’s always something that I try and keep in mind.

Q: Did you have a backstory on the marriage?

Joan: No. In fact, that was one of the reasons which I loved that the character finds Kevin resistible for a long time because he’s such a heartthrob in the public eye that she really is just like, “You know, you should leave now.” And I love that, because the backstory that we set up was really that she loves her husband and they probably had barbecues and dinner parties and there were probably drinks on the table every night and Kevin probably came over as a friend and hung out, but she really loved him. And so his just disappearing was really, for a younger woman, was really very [traumatic.]

Q: Are there any cut scenes dealing with his affair?

Joan: No. That wasn’t stated that way but there was a whole sequence which I think is on the DVD which Mike lifted out of the film. And it was dream sequences of Terry asleep at night dreaming about her husband being with Inga or whatever her name is. And the pain of visualizing them in different sexual positions and all that stuff. And he felt that they ultimately didn’t work in the film. They were very fun to shoot because there was one where I basically bludgeoned him to death. And it was really shot like a B horror film. I catch him in bed with this woman. I go, “That’s it. That’s it. I’m getting’ the axe.” Then I drag the dead bodies out and they were all wrapped in gauze and covered in blood and all this stuff. But Mike didn’t feel when he was putting it together that it really was worthy.

Q: Do you make a conscious choice to be different in each take?

 Joan: It’s a combination but usually there’s a certain amount of consciousness going into it, especially with this character and the degrees of intoxication. I just tried to stay open and willing to make an ass out of myself if I had to because I would come in- – usually in the morning I would come to Mike and one of the first questions I would say is, “Okay, where are we on the scale here? Toasted, plotzed…” And we would start and he would say, “Well, let’s try it where she’s really having a hard time.” And so then we would do that and then he would say, “Okay, now, let’s pull back a little bit.” So we just tried to be playful about the whole thing. So then, also, while the scene’s happening, you hope that you’re staying open within certain parameters to inspiration.

Q: What’s more difficult, a real person or fictional character?

Joan: Well, this one was pretty scary to me because of the comedy and not having really done it in such a big way on screen before. I was so glad we had rehearsal because I really needed that time to go through the material several times and just take stabs at it, you know, of this feels too big, this doesn’t feel right. So Pat Nixon was at least more enigmatic. Nobody really knew what was going on with her.

Q: How scary was it to garden in the nude in Off the Map?

Joan: That was really scary because I was on the fence about until like a week or two before. [Director] Campbell [Scott] was ready with a body double and I was like, “I don’t know if I can do this.” And then I finally decided that I should do it because I felt like I wouldn’t understand the character unless I went completely there. And I don’t know, there’s something about the air in New Mexico like why would you wear your clothes when you garden?

Q: Did you understand the character more?

Joan: It did help me. I mean, you meet people there that their babies are born in hot tubs and stuff like that. It’s really cool alternative people that are old hippies and environmentalists and all this stuff. I talked with people who lived in the area.

Q: Who is your character?

Joan: Oh, she’s a great character. It’s a family that lives off the grid and Sam Elliot plays my husband and he’s going through a depression. And the family lives on $5000 a year, we have a daughter that’s 13 years old played by a wonderful, young actress. And it’s how the family deals with the family falling apart basically and Sam was amazing in it because he would just have scenes, he’d just come and cry every day. Which I thought was so cool for him because everybody knows him as like the silent, strong guy. So you have that coming in when you see him and then when you see him weeping at the dinner table and how the family copes with it. It’s sort of like Terrence Malick films. The landscape plays a huge part in it and it’s how the family copes and it just unfolds in a very gentle, kind of accumulated way that’s really beautiful. I’m really proud of it.

Q: Is there anything you haven’t played that you’re dying to?

Joan: I don’t know. There are people that I’d like to work with. There are a lot of people I’d like to work with. And this, the past couple years, between Off the Map, this one and the Sally Potter film that’s coming out, I’ve basically gotten to do earthy and grounded and I’ve gotten to do drunk and suburban and funny. And the Sally Potter film is a very sensual, it’s the most sensual performance I’ve ever done. No skin. No nudity whatsoever. As of the moment, I think it comes out June 24th.






Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email

DVD REVIEW: CHAIN OF FOOLS

Buy me!BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Warner Home Video
MSRP: $14.97 RATED: R
RUNNING TIME: 98 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES: Theatrical Trailer

Sometimes I really hate Quentin Tarantino (and Elmore Leonard to some degree). Not for anything they specifically are responsible for (although I still think we deserve an apology for Jackie Brown [Note from George: ?!]), but because after the success of Pulp Fiction (and Reservoir Dogs, True Romance, Out Of Sight, etc.) a new genre of movie has cropped up. The quirky, crime flick.

something
“See Jimmy? You’ve got to master the ‘snot dangling’ trick if you want women to like you.”

The problem (and the reason I occasionally harbor my resentment) is that sooooooo many films have come out over the last 10 years in this genre and only a handful get it right. Mostly, we are given crap resembling something exciting and fun. The problem seems to be that many new movies focus on the cast and some dialogue without giving us story and character development.

The Flick

coolness
Jeff Goldblum says, “Mr. DiMuzio stop calling me. I know it’s you. If you don’t stop calling me I will hunt you down. I will cut open your stomach and watch you bleed. Do you want that? Stop calling."

Chain of Fools follows the crime blueprint pretty well. A large, diverse cast? Check. Lots of dialogue? Check. Nefarious characters holding guns? Check. A crime gone badly? Check.

Even though it follows the blueprint, something seems to be missing. The sum is not as great as its parts. There is no life, no energy that keeps this movie together. Instead, we have a collection of scenes with a continuing plot line with characters we really don’t care about.

darndimuzio
My reaction to Mr. Goldblum.


Ultimately, it lacks a sense of originality. There is nothing we haven’t seen before. Even when it seemingly tries to be original it ends up ripping something off. A sensitive hit man? See Two Days In the Valley. Busty female lead? Watch Out of Sight.

The movie has a basic premise: Kresk (Steve Zahn), a barber who is having problems with his wife, Lara Flynn Boyle, stumbles into information about a robbery Jeff Goldblum has recently committed. Kresk and his friend, Andy (David Cross), try and devise a way to keep the stolen objects for themselves. Of course hit men, cops, doctors, nephews and other disreputable characters get involved along the way.

hello
“Hi, my name is David and I’ll be molesting you today."

Like many of other films of the genre, the biggest strength of the movie is its ensemble cast. Unfortunately, unlike others in the genre, the star power does little more than bolster the above-the-title credits. Salma Hayek, Zahn, David Hyde Pierce and Boyle are all good in their roles. They are nothing special but give OK performances. Some of them have decent size roles (Hayek and Zahn being the leads) and the others, naturally, have less screen time.

Jeff Goldblum, Elijah Wood and Orland Jones are in the better-than-average category. I’m usually not a big Goldblum fan, but here his lackadaisical style and odd dialogue delivery fits in. Wood is very good as the young hit man who needs a friend and Jones’ transvestite nurse is something to behold. Mostly these actors shine a bit brighter because their characters are better than those listed above. Their parts aren’t as big as say Hayek or Zahn, but a few small bits of character development they are given go a long way.

herethat
The world from Gary Coleman’s perspective.


Stealing the show (as far as actors are concerned) is David Cross. Cross is currently finding mainstream success with Arrested Development right now. This is great news. He is one of the funniest stand-ups working today and brings an added element of comedy to the roles he is in. In Chain of Fools he plays a grown-up Boy Scout who helps out Zahn. His performance doesn’t save the movie but gives it something worth watching for.

Another thing that most new crime flicks has is a sense of directorial style. As viewers we see the style that Tarantino put into Pulp Fiction or Soderbergh into Out of Sight or Ocean’s Eleven. Chain of Fools, although directed adequately, seems like a hodgepodge of directing styles.

cutit
"No, seriously, I would. I would pay to see Oprah and Anne Nicole Smith in a Jell-O Wrestling match."


That’s because it is. Chain of Fools was directed by Traktor. Never heard of him? That’s because he doesn’t exist. Traktor isn’t a director, but a stable of directors (200 or so) that all work under the same name. That’s like saying an 80s movie stared “The Brat Pack.” Which members were included is really anyone’s guess.

As best I could tell (from a posting on Amazon) Chain of Fools was directed by two members of Traktor. The result is an uneven mesh. Sometimes the dialogue between characters comes across really well. Other times it is stiff and forced. Sometimes the pacing in a scene is dead on, other times… not so much. I don’t know if one of the two was just a better director than the other or if they had their own specialties, but together they didn’t quite gel.

The best thing I can say about Chain of Fools is that it is just average. It retreads over ground that cinematically we have seen time and time again. It isn’t enough to throw out a bunch of actors with sometimes good dialogue if the overall story and character development isn’t there to support them.

5.5 out of 10

nooooooo
Steve Zahn’s reaction to National Security.

The Look

The film looks OK – nothing special. It isn’t grainy and looks better than your typical low-budget television show, but nothing special to note.

5 out of 10

ohno
“Oh my God! That’s the last time I trust the lady at the Clairol counter."

The Noise

It is presented in Dolby Digital 5.1. It sounds… nice. The sound itself is pretty underwhelming. The dialogue can be heard and that’s all that’s needed.

5.5 out of 10

eek
This is one of the most horrifying things I’ve seen in a movie.

The Goodies

I feel insulted when the only feature is a trailer. If this disk was bare I would know that Warner Home Video didn’t want to spend any additional money on it. I could be OK with that. Instead they said, “Sure, let’s put a little something toward it” and the only thing they could come up with was one trailer. Insulting.

1 out of 10

err
This is another.

The Artwork

Good, pulpy artwork. This film is sold by the cast that appears in it and the artwork highlights that fact. Get everyone together and throw their names up above the title and hope those who pass by pick it up. If it was sitting in the Wal-Mart $5 bin I’d probably throw it in the cart.

7 out of 10


Overall: 4.6 out of 10






Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email

GUNNER PALACE: F*CK YEAH!

csdThere’s a documentary coming to theaters soon that goes by the name of Gunner Palace. It’s about soldiers in Iraq, and it’s told from their point of view, and includes all their salty soldier speak. The MPAA gave the film an R rating.

The filmmakers and distributors Palm Pictures felt this was unfair. While the MPAA usually allows a PG-13 movie to have one "fuck," and the film has multiple uses of the word, there is no gory footage, and they argued that the true depiction of how soldiers speak should not get the stricter rating. Plus, they said, kids under 17 deserve to be able to learn about the situation in Iraq.

The MPAA caved – the film will be released March 4th with a PG-13 rating. "In these times, language has become a volatile political issue," said Palm marketing exec Andy Robbins in a statement. "We are pleased that the MPAA chose to view the language of the American troops in the context of their situation. They are at war."

My review of Gunner Palace will be up next week, but I will say now that I think it’s a pretty important film, and one that could serve to sway the opinions of people on both sides of the war, pro and con. They also drop more f-bombs than Daisy Cutters.

Interestingly, Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 earned its R rating because of four uses of "motherfucker." Whether filmmakers in the future will use the Gunner Palace precedent to argue that their PG-13 film should be allowed more salty language will be interesting to see.

In related news, PBS recently aired a documentary about soldiers in Iraq and offered affiliates uncut versions as well as bleeped versions, in case they feared getting FCC fines. It seems to me that America is in a full fledged fuck fear fit.






Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email

REVIEW: DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN

dfcTyler Perry is a superstar. Maybe not to most of the readers of CHUD.com, but in the urban theater world (once known disparagingly as the “chitlin’ circuit”), Perry’s plays have grossed upwards of 75 million dollars in the last few years. With those kinds of numbers it’s no surprise that one of his plays has been adapted for the screen. I’m not sure if it’s surprising that the film is almost uniformly awful.

Diary of a Mad Black Woman has a most feminine trait – it can’t make up its mind. Does it want to be a tender romance? A slapstick comedy? A holy roller Jesus picture? Maybe a wronged wife gets revenge film? It jumps back and forth between all these genres without a thought for how to make the transitions work, so that you’ll go from a weepy, serious moment to a man in old lady drag brandishing a gun. It’s like spending an hour and a half channel surfing and everything sucks.

Kimberly Elise plays Helen, the “Mad Black Woman” of the title (who keeps a diary for about two minutes of screentime). Her husband Charles is a wealthy lawyer and impossibly evil. The guy is just a one-dimensional dick, so right from the very beginning of the movie, when he brings his girlfriend to the house and drags Helen out by her hair, the movie has lost you. The man has no soul at all, and Helen is so much of a victim the scenes play like he’s kicking a quadriplegic tsunami-surviving puppy – and then you start to hate the puppy too, because it’s just so fucking pathetic.

Charles is at least good enough to rent a U-Haul and driver to bring Helen wherever she wants to go – within one tank of gas distance. The driver is a man alternately called Orlando or O-Dog, and he’s so good looking that he always seems to have climbed right out of a Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue, if they let black people into those, that is. At any rate, Helen ends up involved with him, and I think that if the film had just been about that I could have liked it. Elise and Shemar Moore, who you would recognize from TV’s Birds of Prey if you caught the eight minutes of that which aired, have chemistry.

But the movie is not content to stay there. It insists on making Helen move in with Medea, of indeterminate relation to her. Medea is played by Tyler Perry in a fatsuit and granny wig left over from Nutty Professor II: The Klumps. Perry’s Medea makes Eddie Murphy’s work in that (“Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!”) look like Olivier. He also plays Medea’s horny brother Joe – decked out in overalls and old age makeup that looks like it’s something from the upcoming House of Wax remake. And in case this isn’t enough Tyler Perry, he also plays the lawyer Brian – out of makeup, I think, and obviously so exhausted from hamming it up in the other two roles that he doesn’t seem to have the energy to even speak.

Medea is one of the most singularly annoying characters in recent film history, and the fact that this cartoonish presence is just jammed into the story is jarring enough without us having to deal with Brian’s crackheaded wife. Or with the gangster who is giving ex-husband Charles a hard time. Then there’s Helen’s mom in a nursing home.

And then there’s Jesus. Every now and again the guy just shows up in the movie, unannounced (unfortunately Tyler Perry doesn’t play the Son of Man – he’s only in it in the figurative sense). Two people will be talking and someone will say, “But I am so afraid.” The other person will look at her and say, “Now child, you don’t have to be afraid when you have Jesus in your heart.”

The Jesus of Diary of a Mad Black Woman is the most ephemeral Jesus. He isn’t the warrior Christ who guides Bush’s Holy War in the Middle East. He’s the Dr. Phil Jesus. He’s the Jesus who helps you not take that extra cookie out of the jar, or stop smoking, or who comes along to give you a slug in the shoulder and cheer you up a little when you didn’t get that promotion.

He’s also the Jesus who wants to make sure that if you are a hot, sexy young black woman (by the way, the movie goes out of its way again and again to remind us that Kimberly Elise is a black woman) and are dating a hot, sexy young black man for months and months that you do not have sex. He is not the Jesus who can make the audience believe for a minute that these two do not get it on.

I don’t know if he’s the Jesus who makes the aforementioned mobster shoot ex-husband Charles, crippling him, but if he is, I hate him. For reasons that defy logic, Helen goes to take care of Charles, paralyzed from the neck down. At this point the movie morphs suddenly into a revenge tale, as Helen beats up Charles, almost drowns him in the tub and heaps abuse on his no-moving body. Elise is actually really good as a bitch, but this stuff is so out of left field and bizarre that you’re just confused. At any rate, Charles miraculously starts walking and loves Jesus pretty soon.

By this time I was actually hoping Medea would show up. She drops out of the movie for a while, and as awful as the character is, I was missing her while tons of other irrelevant bullshit was going on.

The movie eventually grinds to a halt, leaving you exhausted and shivering. I am sure that Diary of a Mad Black Woman will do fine business within the fanbase it already has (it’s like the gospel Serenity), but there is no crossover appeal here. A movie made up of one of the strands here might have worked, especially if the Jesus stuff wasn’t being laid on like Tammy Faye’s eyeliner. But as it stands, the movie completely fails.

The scariest thought I had, though, when coming out of this movie is that I will probably see worse this year.

3.0 out of 10






Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email

CHUDSTORIES: SAFE MODE

 (From the "Cyberpunk" Backspace stories)

Chips
Ahoy was beginning to think Microsoft’s new one-touch CTRL/ALT/DEL
key was the single most useful thing they’d ever created –
Windows Utopia be damned – as he pounded his way to another
reboot.

“If
it’s a fatal exception, then why the hell aren’t you dead?”
he screamed in frustration. The run was in twenty minutes and here
he was screwing around with the goddamn op-sys! Even if he got the
base protes working now, he’d barely have time to calibrate
the I/Os in his temples, run the test dampers, and boot up the cerebral
faces. He thought briefly about skipping the virus scan, but the
last thing he needed was to be late and hung over for a week afterwards
– someone had gotten cute with the Three Wise Men and re-coded
it to simulate the buzz from some old twentieth century liqs made
back before they started splicing the pain suppressors and the motor
anti-inhibitors into them, and from what Epiphany had told him,
the ride was sweet but the ticket had one hell of a price the next
morning.

Of
course, none of this mattered if he couldn’t get the system
running at all. This new one was a real piece of work. Half of his
perphs wouldn’t work with it, and the half that did ran slower
than the Trans-Atlantic Surface Shuttle during hurricane season.
It had wiped most of the older versions from the manilas on his
hardy on the pretense of being “better and faster,” and
while Chips could certainly take issue with the first part, he had
to admit it had monked his system faster than any version before
it. He had half a mind to submit a formal complaint – once
this version went public and he could update the copy ‘Trixster
had napstered for him, that is. But that didn’t do him any
good for the run that night.

“You’re
gonna make me run in same-old same-old, aren’t you? You bastard,”
he muttered.

Safe
mode. “Goddamn safe mode” they should have called it.
Most of his friends called it the Schwinn Trans-Jupiter, since they
knew of no finer simulation of the experience of traveling to the
Outer Colonies via bicycle. But with no other options and the run
now less than fifteen minutes away, it looked like it was time to
start pedaling to Io. He clicked the option, gritted his teeth,
and sat back and waited.

Through
his goggles, it looked like blue mud. It took him a couple of seconds
to even find the webspinner to get him onto the network, and the
diags dragged on for ten more before he was ready to fly. His virt-hand
gently plucked one strand of the web, and as the spider rushed to
mend it, he felt that familiar tug, and then he was In.

The
structs weren’t as sharp, and he still felt like he was swimming
in paste, but it would have to do. He saw Epiphany had already arrived,
the winged halo of her con fluttering around the neon Fuji that
was the Chase Osaka datanode. A couple of dollar signs clung to
the halo – apparently she hadn’t been content with just
chewing bandwidth while waiting for the gang to arrive.

“You
sure you want to mess with the Choke?” Chips said as he steered
his con over to Epiphany. It looked like one of those old drawings
of the constellations, with bright points of light at the corners
and ephemeral strands linking them together in the shape of a three-masted
galleon, and where the skull and crossbones should have flown, a
banner bearing the image of a chocolate chip cookie fluttered in
the digital breeze. Chips was particularly proud of that touch –
the code for that alone had taken him two days realtime to get the
wind sims down right.

“I
have an account with ‘em, vaporware,” Epiphany replied.
“Not everything I do in here is the blotter, you know.”

“Coulda
fooled me,” a voice boomed from overhead. Looking up, Chips
saw an enormous green lizard easing a giant leg over the flickering
skyline of New Disney’s node as a darting squadron of black
flying elephants took to the air.

“Daikaiju!”
Chips shouted. “You pissed off the ice fighters again!”
The elephants buzzed around the lizard’s head like angry black
hornets, but he paid them no mind.

“Ah,
they know it’s just me and that I ain’t gonna do nothing,”
Daikaiju said. “But they gotta do the noises and make like
the gorilla or folks’ll think they went all cuddly.” In
fact, the elephants had flitted back down to whatever manila they
had rezzed from. “Now if the Seven Dwarfs show up, then I’m
up for the Hard Reboot.” He glanced around. “Where’s
TimbukLou?”

“Said
he’d be running a little late,” Epiphany said. “Something
about his landy coming up to term some cucarachas in his flat –
he didn’t want to go In and risk the guy napstering half the
stuff in there.”

Chips
scanned quickly for the stylized lion’s head that was TimbukLou’s
con. “He’d better hurry, we’re cutting it close already.”

“Especially
with you running same-old same-old,” Epiphany laughed. “You
were hoping we wouldn’t scan that, weren’t you?”

“Desperate
times, desperate measures, okay? Don’t worry about me, I’ll
keep up.”

“You’d
better,” came a growl from behind Chips. “I didn’t
put this together for it to go vapor on us.”

Chips
turned towards TimbukLou. The lion’s mane billowed gracefully.
“Hey, that’s my wind sim!”

A
toothy grin spread on TimbukLou’s face. “Yeah, ‘Trixster
told me the sec protes on that new op-sys were total parting gift,
man. I had to take a loadsee for myself.”

“That
why you’re pedaling the Schwinn tonight?” Daikaiju asked.

“Look,
I ran my diags. My counts still work. I’m starting gun, let’s
go.”

“Let’s,”
TimbukLou agreed. “Follow me.”

The
lion head drifted out over Silicode Valley, with Chips and Epiphany
floating close behind. Daikaiju held back. “Hey, gimme a mic!
They don’t know I’m not gonna Tokyo that place.”
The giant lizard shimmered briefly, then was replaced by a great
flapping pterodactyl. “That’s better!”

“You
could have logged that con in the first place, you know,” Epiphany
said.

“Yeah,”
Daikaiju said as he drifted in behind the group, “but then
how was I supposed to show off?”

“Ha
ha, real brick wall,” TimbukLou said. “Come on, we hover
the Valley too long they might think we’re watergating them.”

They
soared out into the digital night. Past the FoxBS Nebulae glaring
at them with its one great eye, over the Orinoco-Cola River with
its tributaries running almost everywhere, and through the driving
rain of Hurricane Bill. The cons were out in force tonight –
Chips saw Sid Licorice with his whips wrapped around a fat MitsuSony
node, Binary Queen was holding court over near the gambling structs,
the Bit Baron gunned his circuit-board tri-plane after some of the
General’s ice fighters, even ‘Trixster and his dancing
brooms were out and about. Back Out, of course, most of them were
logged in cluttered one-room flats in London or New Yorksey or the
Big Smoke or any one of the other plexes, anonymous little zeligs
no one would give a second hit to. In, they were total final answer.

The
stars winked out.

“What
the hell?” TimbukLou growled. “Epiphany, what you got?”

“Nothing,”
she replied in confusion. “I got no yellow-reds, no b’sods,
nothing.”

“Daikaiju?
Chips?”

Daikaiju
shrugged about as well as a glowing pterodactyl could. Chips was
quiet.

“Chips?
Form of a question, man, what you got?”

“Same-old
same-old,” he replied weakly.

Above
them, the sky had gone a flat gray, with a rectangular grid covering
a large portion of it. A yellow smiley looked down at the expectantly.

“MINESWEEPER?”
Daikaiju roared in shock. “Dude, what op-sys did you def back
to?”

The
sails on Chips’s galleon sagged, their wind completely gone.
“I don’t know. That new op-sys monked most of the other
versions. I just went back to the oldest working one.”

Epiphany
was fluttering back down to them. “I can’t get over, under,
or around it.”

“Somebody
want to tell me what the crash is going on?”

They
turned. ‘Trixster stood behind them shaking in anger, his brooms
with their buckets poised and ready. “I’m all ready to
clip the Eagle and all of a sudden I’m in some goddamn card
game!”

TimbukLou
glared at Chips. “He’s got his abacus running the Schwinn
Trans-Jupiter.”

“Schwinn
my ass, he’s back pre-wheel on that thing. He’s tortoising
the whole damn network! Bit Baron is covered in paint from some
drawing program he flew through and Iron Megan can’t move until
someone lays a three of diamonds on her! What am I supposed to do
now, watch television? I mean, goddamn it!” He turned and stomped
off, his brooms following sulkily behind.

“This
is padded room, guys,” Epiphany said. “I’m getting
bits from all over In, whatever you did Chips, you did it number
one with a bullet.”

From
high above, Daikaiju shouted down, “Hey guys, you gotta see
this!”

They
sped upward. In the distance, the pulsing spires of Silicode Valley
were winking out, replaced by stack upon stack of C:’s balanced
precariously on the slanted backslashes and bowed C’s. The
whole thing looked ready to San Andreas any second.

“Jobs
H. Christ, Chips!” TimbukLou shouted. “You DOS-ed them!
What the hell are you still doing with DOS in your box?”

“Uh,
guys?” Epiphany said slowly. Her wings had gone wire-frame,
and even that was breaking down as they watched, the once-graceful
lines bulking up into a series of boxes. Glancing around, Chips
saw the same thing happening to TimbukLou and Daikaiju, and to the
lines of his galleon.

“Pixels?”
Daikaiju groaned. “Freaking pixels? Aw the hell with this,
I’ll catch you guys later.” The pterodactyl winked out.

“Thanks
a lot, Chips,” Epiphany said, now little more than a crude
circle with a pair of stick wings tacked on. “Maybe next time
we can just sit around and do square roots all night.” She
vanished.

TimbukLou’s
lion head had lost all its ferocious bearing. Now it was simply
a brown smiley with a darker brown crescent slapped on top of it.
“Do us all a favor. Wipe your hardy. Start over.” His
voice rose hysterically. “I am not going 2-D, you hear me?”
He calmed himself. “I’m gone before some kid pops a quarter
to play me.”

And
Chips was alone. Cons were de-rezzing all around him, pelted by
a series of 1’s and 0’s from a rapidly diminishing Hurricane
Bill. Blinking cursors were everywhere, with random directories
scrolling up into the sky.

“Crap,”
he muttered, and went back Out.

The
world leapt back into his eyes. A cursor waited expectantly at the
top of his screen. With a sigh, he reached for the CTRL/ALT/DEL
key and punched up another reboot.

The
cursor still waited.

In
fact, it stayed on the monitor right until the system finished its
flight from the 82nd floor to the pavement below.



When not haunting the CHUD Message Boards, Richard Dickson toils in the
belly of the tourism beast in Orlando, Florida. His writing interests
include sketch comedy, short stories, and three really great
screenplays that will be absolutely super — once he actually finishes
them. Honest, they really will. Really.




SUBMITTING STORIES


Here are the rules:

1.) The stories must be YOUR OWN. We will not tolerate plagiarism. Do not submit any stories that are not entirely yours.

2.) Stories must be spell and grammar checked, aligned to left, and be in a Microsoft Word format (exceptions can be made).

3.) Stories must NOT be a series of one sentence paragraphs. Use correct structure, as a short story would appear in an anthology book.

4.) Submit only stories that fit in the framework of the ground we cover here at CHUDstories. For an idea on what each topic we’re running is, CLICK HERE.

5.) If your work has been published elsewhere, please inform us so we can notate that on the site.

6.) Your stories always remain YOUR PROPERTY, we’re just an engine to new readers. We might eventually look into running anthologies of these works in a printed format but we will always contact you for permission.

7.) Please supply a bio and picture, if at all possible. We want people to know YOU, especially if they connect with your writing.

(Please specify what section it’s for.)



All fiction is the property of its author and is reprinted with permission. CHUD does not own the rights to these stories, only serves as an online outlet for them to be read. For information on how to purchase the rights to these stories, consult the author. For info about this site or advertising, contact Nick Nunziata.

© Nick Nunziata and CHUD.COM






Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email

TRAILER: INTO THE BLUE

 In the big-budget MGM flick Into the Blue, vacant fast-and-furious prettyboy Paul Walker and his gal, the dangerously hot Jessica Alba, play a pair of undersea divers (but doesn’t wood float?) who find a sunken ship full of valuable goodies.  On the nearby ocean floor is a wrecked plane, and a full cargo of high-quality nose candy inside.  When the drug dealers (led by ex-Goonie Josh Brolin) come looking for it, a whole bunch of really exciting stuff happens. 

Scott Caan plays Friend Who Probably Gets Killed, and the somewhat scalding Ashley Scott plays His Chick.  The diving instructor on the movie is director and Top Gun washout John Stockwell, who apparently developed a fondness for the sea and scantily clad humans while filming Blue Crush. 

Wet, writhing bikini-clad babes with tight bodies and ridiculous tans.  Underwater treasure hunters in over their heads.  A script from the guy who “wrote” Torque.  Looks sorta like a 21st century variation of The Deep.  Hell, they even utilized the title. I’m all over this.

CHECK OUT THE TRAILER HERE!






Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email

WAR OF THE WEEDS

ceWe’ve seen the hands of our alien invaders on the poster for Steve Spielberg’s experiment in quickie cinema, War of the Worlds. Now we may be seeing their foliage.

Al Sullivan’s blog has pictures of red Martian weed (whether it’s better to smoke than Hobbit pipeweed is as of now unknown), as well as a pretty good examination of what place the stuff has in the film and the book:

As the aliens spread over the surface of the earth, so does this insidious vegetation, hinting of the Martian desire to remove all traces of previous life from the planet’s surface. While Speilberg’s film characters may not say so in so many works, the gradual advance of the plants, their appearance in scenes symbolizes the touch of an alien presence. The slithering plants in fact strongly resemble the description Wells gave of the aliens themselves as well as the film’s logo that depicts an alien’s tentacle-like fingers gripping the planet earth. The blood-red vegetation may also be intended to strike at the subconscious of the film-goer, adding to film’s impact – a constant alien fingerprint designed to tell everyone that the aliens had been to this place or that.

Spielberg, who seems to deal with strong symbolic imagery in his story-telling, reached back into the roots of his story in depicting scenes of red week’s spread. In fact, during the shoot in Howell Township, New Jersey, Spielberg’s crews not only created the red weed, but also the swamp out of which it emerged.

Wells, however, fully described red weed for Spielberg during a section of the novel in which the hero of the book is trapped in a house right along side one of the alien landing pits, from which many of the descriptions of the aliens and their way of life are depicted – and in the case of the red weed as well as other symbolic representations may well offer clues as to what we can expect to see when the film is released in June 2005.

"Apparently, the vegetable kingdom on Mars instead of having green for a dominant color is of a vivid blood red tint," Wells wrote. "At any rate, the seeds which Martians (intentionally or accidentally [sic]) brought with them gave rise in all cases to red colored growths. Only that – known popularly-as red weed, however, gained any footing in the competition with terrestrial forms."






Author Links: Author's Page · AIM · Twitter · Facebook · Twitter · Email