BUY IT FROM AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Buena Vista Home Video
MSRP: $49.99
RATED: NR
RUNNING TIME: 617 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES: Fashion commentary featurette with Joan and Melissa Rivers

I must admit that I originally took this review as a joke to myself. Yet to my surprise, I actually enjoyed watching this more than I expected to. The Golden Girls is a show I watched on occasion as a child and young adult with my parents. I quickly kept quite about my viewings and pushed each episode far back into my mind to preserve any integrity I had with my friends. So what was I to expect upon receiving this? Well, we’re about to find out. Onward!

"Blanche, I told you not to fuck with The Jesus."

The Show

When it comes to characters… Dorothy (Bea Arthur) is the sarcastic schoolteacher searching for a new companion, Rose (Betty White) is the overly dense roommate, Blanche (Rue McClanahan) is the man-hunting broad in heat, and Sophia (Estelle Getty) is the honest and unruly Sicilian mother (of Dorothy). They live together in a Miami, Florida home and a continuous 10.5 hour marathon put me back in touch with these four.

Out of the set, Dorothy is probably my favorite broad. She’s extremely sarcastic and always has those solid one-liners to dish out. (Many of her one-liners are humorously directed at Rose.) She’s very bitter about her recent divorce to the balding and gangly Stan Zbornak (Herb Edelman), and she’s not afraid to show it.

Rose spends most of her time talking about her childhood, and this bugs the hell out of her fellow roommates. I can’t help but to despise Rose’s (Betty White) density. At times I feel that the writers push her ignorance too far, and it makes me wonder if audiences at the time believed White herself was the same way in real life. Rose is the butt of many jokes (especially from Dorothy), but surprisingly she’s the one character that is the most honest and the most revealing about her true emotions and feelings during the course of the season.

The Golden Girls: Enter the Fist

Blache is the character that always seems to come around full circle every episode. When I say “full circle” I mean the character that doesn’t change that much. Blanche is always courting a new man at the beginning of every episode, and her mentality never seems to change. She’s horny and she wants a man. Oh, and she’s always gawking at her “perfect waistline” and beauty. That’s about it in terms of Blanche.

In terms of the story, Sophia was never meant to live in the house. But when her nursing home burns down, the three women welcome her in. Sophia is the spark of the group, considering her old age (80). She continuously recalls her life in Sicily, even though the truth of her stories is stretched at times. Sophia is much like her daughter and is always available to distribute the personal attacks/one-liners and disses anyone that gets in her way.

The show itself deals with serious "adult" issues in a variety of ways. For the most part, plotlines are dealt with in a humorous manner, but occasionally you run into a serious episode to get things back in check. "The Heart Attack" sounds like a cheesy title for an episode but in terms of the big picture the episode works. Granted, there is a level of humor throughout the episode, but the events puts all of the characters lives back into perspective. The show tries to teach us lessons, and these plotlines mean more to me than they did when I saw the occasional episode as a child and teenager.

"This will get those penises out of the wall! They keep popping back in there, I’ll get ’em out!"

Late in their life, these four women travel “down the road and back again” and continue to learn things about their lives. A variety of "adult" topics are discussed, ranging from having sex after becoming widowed to being ready for death when it comes knocking on your door. Rose seems to take most of the punches in the first season, dealing with topics ranging from her lost husband, Charlie; her newly blinded sister; and revealing to her daughter that her father (Charlie) wasn’t the successful insurance businessman Rose told her he was. Throughout these episodes, all four women are there to support one another.

The shows stars certainly know how comedic timing works and each episode is filled with verbal jokes and physical comedy. By watching the episodes in one long run some of the jokes became redundant but I can see how each new weekly episode pushed this show to the top. (FYI: wThe show won an Emmy in its first year.) An occasional joke or gimmick had me laughing me out loud, which is something I never expected to happen.

The Golden Girls is ultimately about the friendship and bond between these women. I only wish all older ladies were as sarcastic and as fun as these four are.

8.5 out of 10

"Glenn Miller fucking rocks! Don’t you ever say different!"

The Look

This transfer isn’t the cleanest picture you’ll find for a television show. The colors do bleed slightly, but it’s somehting you can overlook. The 80s provided for a colorful shooting palette and it definitely shows here.

Some of the camerawork is shaky at first, especially when the camera is moving through a set. The camerawork does get better as the season progresses, so I blame the early “mistakes” on first season jitters.

7.5 out of 10

"But you know what scares me the most? When I can’t fight it anymore, when it takes over, when I totally lose control… I like it."

The Noise

The mix is your standard stereo soundtrack. It’s a bit muffled and throaty on the bass, but it’s perfectly comprehensible.

7.0 out of 10

"Let’s be reasonable, huh? This is not the time or the place to perform some kind of a half-assed autopsy on a fish… And I’m not going to stand here and see that thing cut open and see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock."

The Goodies

This 10-minute featurette is pure shit. If I wanted to listen to the type of sound these two (Joan and Melissa Rivers) make, I’d go outside and antagonize the neighbor’s dog.

I would give this section a perfect 10 if this wasn’t included. It’s completely unnecessary. Therefore…

1.0 out of 10

"If you don’t shut up about St. Olaf, I will stab you again!"

The Artwork

The cover is actually golden foil on the front instead of the yellow you see in the photo above. It’s a nice touch to the packaging, a small homage to the show. The rest of the packaging is wrapped in the yellow color.

When you pull the box from its sleeve, you’re welcomed to a large photo of the main cast on the set. When the box is opened, a listing of the first season of episodes on each disc is on the left side. Two discs share the middle section and a third sits alone on the far right fold.

The packaging is your standard fare, but I can’t help being creped out by it a bit.

8.0 out of 10

A surprising delight, I must say.

We are creeping towards the 100th Steady Leak article and I need your help in making it a special one. CLICK HERE to read up on what I have cooking and see if you have any ideas on how to make it better. Additionally, I’ve announced that we’ll be starting a daily comic strip (mon-fri with raunchier stuff on the weekends) on the site two Mondays from now. Details about that are HERE.

What does it mean for fine folks like yourself? It means that we’re doing whatever we can to keep things fun and loaded with content here at CHUD.com. It also means we’re idiots.

It’s the holiday weekend for many of you. Unless you’re a Native American. Then, you look around, just waiting for disease ridden blankets to show up. Anyhow…

Now, on with the Leak…

Dwindler’s List.

Music journalists make movie guys look like the coolest, most sane people on the block in comparison. Of course, I’m generalizing, but I just somehow equate the sorts of guys who populate lists like Rolling Stone‘s recent atrocity (500 Greatest Songs) with all that is the worst in humanity. The choices they’ve made for their list (of course there’s seemingly a Beatles entry on every page and of course Bob Dylan has the number #1 tune and of course they had to make sure as to not offend people who like rap or metal). It just seems so typical, as if they can’t veer off the path lest they be judged by the ghost of Lester Bangs. Granted, these lists are meant to create water cooler discussion and debate… but I never fail to get up in arms about this stuff. Would it have killed them to include Dire Straits’ Sultans of Swing? Often, they choose a tune based on what political trend it was attacking or what war it was about rather than the song. Also, the Beach Boys were great… but come on…

Music is such a delicate matter. Much more so than film. You can bash a Kurosawa film to a fan and they’ll disagree or call you a nutcase, but if you upset someone who is a diehard follower of a band? Forget it. I wouldn’t be surprised if bloodshed couldn’t be averted.

And where are all the big band songs? The stuff from the 40’s? Jazz? Blues? There are some biggies in there but for the most part it’s comprised of Beatles, Zeppelin, Dylan, Floyd, Stones, and many others you’d expect. Nirvana. Radiohead. U2.

The B-52’s. TWICE. Holy Kevin Heffernan’s ribcage. The B-52’s. Only slightly less annoying that living inside the moving parts of a lawmower.

Of course, we have some interesting lists on the way but I want to hear from people out there. What are our best? If you’re a member on our message boards, post you choices here.

As an aside, the new Pearl Jam greatest hits CD is absolutely incredible. It reminds me that their career is equal to or greater than critic and fan favorites like REM, U2, Nirvana, and all the others mentioned from the past 15 years or so. That is a very diverse and stout collection of songs.

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Christian Coffees.

Oblivion can be bliss.

I’ve found my new personal coffee shop hangout. It’s about ten minutes from the house, has very long hours, incredible coffee, serves food, has free wireless, a nice atmosphere, and isn’t a chain that just wants to move people out the door with haste.

That’s all I wanted to see and it’s all I saw.

Then my wife casually said: "You know it’s a Christian coffee place, right?".

I couldn’t even act like I wasn’t surprised. Then I went again and the stuff that I’d glossed over hit me in the face like a bag of nickels. There’s the name, but there’s a bunch of places called Higher Grounds on the web, coffee places that are just coffee places. But then, each time I went it became more and more obvious. Like when I was writing the Matrix review (did you read it?) and a woman was being "Saved" two tables away. Or the religious literature all over the counter (and to think I almost offered them a small allotment of Seed of Chucky passes). Or the adundance of people in collars. Or Linda Blair hammering the crucifix home in the foyer.

You know what? I think it’s pretty cool.

Well, if they were overt I would probably be upset. I don’t like when a place has to have the Fish symbol over their door to announce that they are a Christian dry cleaner because I don’t see how/why it should make a difference. Do they remove the sins from your leather pants? Obviously, Christian bookstores are best off advertising such or Glenn Danzig could saunter in for his stocking stuffer Necronomicon paperbacks and be at a loss.

This snuck up on me, and it hasn’t affected my love of the place one bit. They’re good people (well, the owner’s cool. The staff could care less, and usually I make quick friendships with places I frequent that often), they make incredible coffee, and the place has a nice woodsy feel.

It’s just funny how it snuck up on me, that’s all. I figured it’d be nice to share a positive story on such a topic for a change.

Send feedback on this noise.

Bull. Shit.

I waited a week before sounding off. I knew that shit was going to hit fans, and by shit I do not mean the pummeling fists of Ron Artest.

So, a brawl broke out at a basketball match. Big whoop. People are up in arms about the violence that happens at sporting events. The same people that paid to watch Mike Tyson to enjoy Ear Tartare, Tommy Morrison’s face reduced to Stay-Puft, and ones who forward email links to MPG’s of people accidentally getting smeared by a Chrysler PT Cruiser, most likely. Has anyone watched British people play soccer/football and the fans that surround them?

We’ve got it easy. Plus, as far as televised mayhem goes it’s not even a blip.

The chronology of mass media bullshit doesn’t begin with Janet’s tit, the Monday Night Football crap from two weeks ago, the fistfight in Michigan, Rosanne’s crotch grab or the thousands of people who got hit very hard by planes.

I don’t even think the Zapruder film was the starter.

We like to watch. Plain and simple. We’ve watched gladiators sever each other apart like Christmas roast, we‘ve watched the crucifed hang under the dying sunlight, we‘ve watched "witches" doing their impersonation of that chestnuts song, and we’ve seen NASCAR drivers die surprised when they get killed by hitting an object at 200 mph and catching fire as they hurl around a giant left turn three feet from a tank filled with highly flammable gases.

Televison is all about seeing those people who are both much more lucky than ourselves prosper and those much less likely than ourselves suffer. It’s part of why I don’t like reality TV. There is no normal life to be seen, just very pretty people or very ugly people. We like to see surprise heroes win gold medals and we like to see when someone ELSE gets pinned between two semi trucks on their way to the Bulldogs game.

I mean, we don’t LIKE to see those things. No one was popping Orville Redenbacher’s finest during the World Trade Center’s demise. But, we are a spectator culture. Very much so.

That’s part of why the fight during the NBA game didn’t hurt the sport. The sport is in doldrums right now. It’s not a finesse game and the public doesn’t have a Michael Jordan or Magic Johnson to cling to. Even the great players are either too showy, too thug, or too bland to register. As a result, the fight can only help the sport. Awareness. No such thing as bad press. All that.

Still, people are using it as a platform. Sports Illustrated has made it their cover for the latest issue, a fact that surprised no one. I think if Arnold Palmer ATE Tiger Woods last week, it’d still be on page two. Even if he shat out Tiger Warsaw afterwards. On beta.

It’s a crock. We see people get pissed off every day and every where. Little league games. In traffic. At bars. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if fights have broken out during Sunday service at some local church. It’s a part of being a person. We have have our breaking point or our moments where common sense takes a back seat. It’s kind of cool that there is that unpredictablility to life. So, a player got drenched. Some fans got punched. Big whoop.

We’re still way behind in the sporting violence meter. They used to use severed human heads in some games back in the day. Who cares if some poorly educated baller decks a loud, fat fan? They’re a perfect fit, and they’ll get theirs. To make it a hot button issue and a scapegoat to make things just a little more moral and censored is just plain offensive.

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News Attack #5

Note: I will not run the story about the lady who cut her 11 month old child’s arms off here in the jog. The night I heard about that, I could not go to sleep. At all. No matter what I tried to occupy my mind with, the thoughts kept going back to that. This white trash cretin cutting the arms off a baby. While it looked up at the person it looks to for everything, undoubtedly wondering what was happening. Why it hurt. If this was what life was. Then I thought of it being my kid. Insane. There is no punishment vile or cruel enough for that women. A good start would be for all the mothers who have miscarried or lost their children to disease or accident as well as the infertile women to all get in line and have their ten minutes with this person who willingly killed her child and in a way so random and vicious that there’s no excuse. Smothering them, it’s horrible but quick. Drowning? Same. Slicing the arms off while it bled out? Yeah, we live in a Utopia all right.

Toby
Keith makes me feel like a communist. I wonder if I’m a real man when I see a Chevy or Ford commercial or whatever and hear him bleat about the pulse of America or the heartbeat of the patriot or the secret handshake at his Klan rally. I wonder if his welcome mat reads "The House That Jingoism Built". Or perhaps "Red + White + Blue = GREEN". Either way, he’s a real man. Me, I’m a decent American. I spent dollars in malls and put expensive gas in my car. That is apparently the cure for terrorism. Today I went over to CNN.com to see what was happening in my fine
country. Here’s a quick rundown…

1. Want to get laid? BECOME A RELIGIOUS ICON! A pastor (as in "passed her the bone") in San Diego coerced women in his parish to have sexual relations with him by claiming that the only way to escape the Devil’s wrath was to take his tough load. Gullible people spoil all the fun for us guys who use food, movies, and walks through the park to score ass. I can just imagine when these women go to a different church after all of this. "That’s not the Host I’m used to taking!". I find it really hard to want this guy imprisoned. He probably did it on a goof. "Hey, Father Lopez… twenty says I can stab the meat curtains tonight if I drop the "devil" routine.". Anyone who would fall for that… well, there’s plenty of single guys in our Religion Forum who are waiting to save you from Satan’s barbed halberd.

2. Apparently a giant praying mantis got into a car accident and then decided to fall to his untimely mantis death. I think. The report said that the victim’s death was "caused by blunt force trauma to the head, neck and thorax", which doesn’t sound like man injuries. The report leaves out this part of the news: The victim is survived by his mate, who immediately went into mourning about not being able to eat his head after sex. In Pittsburgh, men have chests. They have breastplates. They are card carrying members of the Sternum Club. Fuck the thorax. That’s for the bugs.

3. A guy in Omaha has been arrested for allegedly abusing a blind woman. Why allegedly? The eyewitness was a German Shepherd.

4. A gentleman in SoCal made a deal with prosecutors to end the mystery about the rape, burgle, death, and burning of his family’s housekeeper. The deal keeps him off of death row, but no word on whether it will unrape, unburn, disemburgle, and unslaughter the woman he admitted to sending to Valhalla without a hall pass. I love the law. I love that you can fine print your way out of such trivialities as rape, arson, and theft. Here’s hoping his cellmade is Scissordick McManpower.

5. In the Boston area, a large dosage of toxic chemicals was applied to housing projects instead of the ant killer that was supposed to be sprayed. No one was reduced to screaming ash, and no person has thusly been transformed into a Troma spokesperson. Damn. Why is this news? Unless Night of the Lepus happens, what’s the point in wasting precious bandwidth? I liked the part where they said this about the dangerous material; "If ingested in large quantities, it can cause nausea other side effects". Other things that will cause nausea if ingested in large quantities: Soup. Chocolate. Mints. Gravy. Potatoes. Meat. Gum. Wine. Beer. Robert Kennedy. Cake. Mittens. Potions. Gummy bears. Looseleaf paper. Food…

6. A bus driver has been arrested for pulling a switchblade on a student and threatening to cut his nose off. Possibly to spite his face. The school administrators are thrilled that the dangerous person who had taken kids to school safely for several years, has been apprehended. The victim’s father, Gepetto, could not be reached for comment.

If you
like this kind of a little "News Jog", I’ll continue. If you’re offended, I
apologize. If you’re one of the people I mentioned, AWESOME!

Send feedback on this noise.

If only sunglasses were also affected by man destroying event that is Maximum Overdrive….

Mailbagsukidoji:

This
is the letters portion of our show. This is where you send in your warm
and loving regards, your scatching and accusatory venom, your puzzled
wonderings, your bullet point issues, or whatever the heck else floats
your barely seaworthy boat.

The
only things you can be assured of is that I read every feedback letter
and try my damndest to balance the ones that make it to this column.

Your grammar and usage of punctuation may be commented on, but that’s
part of the fun isn’t it?

For the Love of God!

Patrick writes:

Nick’s Reply: I think you might have the right argument, but with the wrong people. Right now is a really weird time in our (America’s) history. I’m stating a fact that the people that tend to question things and be aggressively creative in what they do are skeptical. Not always, for sure… but when you look at the artistic community in general it’s full of people who generally don’t fall in line. As for my site being Anti-Christian… I have to just offer forth a hearty "BULLSHIT". You may take umbrage with some stuff that one or two of us may say, but because someone isn’t religious doesn’t mean they’re anti. As for the message boards, there are well over 10,000 members. How many are vocally religious or against religion? MAYBE 100 of them. Let’s not overdo it.

Effort.

Jack writes:

Someone Likes the Commie.

Lyndon writes:

Great steady leak, man.

I just wanted to throw my weight behind Devin and those who appreciate him. The main reason I prefer CHUD to any other movie site on the web is the editorial content. Any time you have a forum for generally intelligent people with strong opinions, heads are going to bump.

Every once in a while, something shows up that I disagree with, but at least I’m reacting. Having a site where the writing is reflective of the personalities behind the content creates a much greater sense of involvement on the behalf of the readers.

Also, count me among the numbers of law students whom CHUD has gotten in hot water. I was in a Free Expression in Cyberspace class the other day, and reading some of Slater’s posts on The Fifth Element. I started cracking up, very loudly, during a presentation on jurisdictional issues on the internet. Professor = not so happy.

Nick’s Reply: Your Professor probably reads CHUD too. He was just pissed someone else was enjoying his little secret favorite site. Thanks for writing.

Religious Fiction.

Daniel writes:

Hey Nick, good column. I read it while bored at work. Good pic of the "Religious Fiction" section of Barnes and Noble. The word you’re looking for in the caption, though, is "redundant." Just lending you a helping hand.

Nick’s Reply: I guess I’m kind of a whiny bitch when it comes to bookstores. I am at one of the local Barnes & Noble locations at least three times a week. It’s like crack, except instead of high you get more learned. I’ll need a new bookshelf before December is finished. It bothers me to see all these new sections cropping up. The ones that irk me the most are the African American section and the Religious Fiction section. Not that these things aren’t important or don’t deserve the attention… but I think it is overcompensation to give them their own section. As if African American fiction is different or better or worse than fiction by everyone else (including a ton of other black authors). As if African American history is some kind of ‘Elseworlds’ branch of every other history section. The respectful thing would be to have these included in with the rest of it. What it does is nudge African Americans to avoid the rest of it and showcase a business that is tiptoeing through a potentially controversial situation. It’s a divisive thing, and I really find it humiliating. If I were a black guy, I’d feel like someone was playing a joke on me. of course, if I were a black guy… I’d probably look out of place in my family photo album. The religious fiction thing… well, I cracked up the first time I saw it. I really did. I used to be harshly critical of religion after stints in both Baptist AND Catholic schools. When subjected and forced to the stuff on a daily basis, you get a really interesting perspective and I would spout off about how The Bible should have a permanent spot atop the fiction bestseller lists for all time. I’ve cooled my jets in the past decade or so. Still, it takes a lot of self control sometimes to see the way in which stores and individuals treat the religious stuff. You know, it’s not like the material bothers me (though the ‘Left Behind’ stuff can go screw)… but it’s how it’s treated on a different plane that does. As if some apocalyptic fiction that’s shitty pulp is of a higher cut because it’s religious. No, it’s still hack writing. Here’s a tip to you writiers… want to make a killing? Write religious fiction. It will be bought, quality be damned!

Comic Book Flicks.

Anthony writes:

Nick’s Reply: The Ultimates is a great comic, no doubt. It would cost 300 million bucks to do, though. If it were done right. I’d rather see a lower budget Marvel title focusing on the lower tiered characters dealing with obscurity, failure, and generally boring superpowers. Not a spoof, but a more low key and drama centric super-film. The Falcon. Cloak and Dagger. Mockingbird. These are some rather shafty heroes. Have them square off against Batroc the Leaper and The Owl and we’re cooking with heat!

Silent Hill.

The Irish Perspective.

Joe writes:

Greetings from the Emerald Isle again
The site has been excellent lately.
The amount of updating is phenomenal and you and the guys deserve a lot of credit.
The Ads arent a problem for me. Dont listen to the moaners.
That little break you had a while back seemed to do you some good because your news jog and snarky letter responses on your return were inspired.
i.e. “If it said Man Scoffs at Drive-By, Eats Bullets As They Arrive” and I’ll never forget the classic “I have never had my penis severed, but I’m under the impression that you never REALLY recover. Rene Armando is in a world of shit”
Keep that up. Big Thumbs Up and I pray that I am never one of the people you mention.
Also that guy who implied you CHUD guys were basement dwelling virgin geeks really annoyed me because being a certified movie nut doesn’t mean you are a short, fat, pale, loser who never gets laid.
Although Devin Faraci may be.
Just kidding that guy rules. Anyone who can stir people up like that is worth having onboard.
Anyway wanted to tell you about a cool movie you may not have heard of.
Its called “the Football Factory”. Yes it is about soccer but not exclusively. It follows a group of the notoriously violent Millwall football hooligans. Its extremely graphic and brutal in places but makes some great observations about the mindset of disaffected youth (and middle age) in the UK. Its not perfect but is very well made and acted (by Danny Dyer in particular). Another recommendation is that it was produced by Rockstar Games (the twisted minds behind the GTA series).
You should check it out.
The political coverage on the site was interesting although Im glad its over. We take great interest in the US presidential elections and while imho the wrong guy won, I really think Kerry paid the price for being too bland and uninteresting. It felt like he expected Michael Moore or Bruce Springsteen to win the election for him, while he just stood aside looking like a nice ordinary decent guy who might live down the street from you. He needed to go for it a bit more. Give his running mate the top job the next time. He looks like someone who would come out fighting.
Although there are some conspiracy theories floating around that Kerry may actually have won the election but that sounds like the plot to a bad movie.
Anyway got to go.
Keep up the Good Work My Man

Nick’s Reply: Thanks, you crazy Mick!

Comedy: Hacked to Bits.

Doug writes:

Hey, Nick – I got hold of the Happy
Gilmore/Billy Madison 2-disc widescreen set a few days early thanks to a local
K-mart who put them on shelves several days before the due
date.

I sampled both discs tonight on my
16×9 and noticed that the transfers are both ‘zoomed in’ and crop off
significant parts of the screen. I compared the new remastered Billy Madison to
the original Universal disc and sure enough, it’s badly
cropped.

I was curious if you or any of the
other Sewer Chewers have seen this yet and if you’ve heard from Universal on why
such a piss-poor transfer was made. I know they screwed up the framing during
transfer of Back to the Future 2 and 3 not long ago and made replacements
available.

It’s sad that they’re slopping
crappy DVDs of fun movies like these Sandler flicks, Fast Times at Ridgemont
High and Dazed & Confused.

Nick’s Reply: Jeremy will have a review of the Ridgemont/Dazed set soon and Adam will have the Sandler two-pack reviewed soon, so I guess we’ll see what the tally was. Is there a chance that you had your player is one of the zoon settings? I hope the discs aren’t an eyesore, but then again… we don’t watch them for their visual acumen.

SPAM OF THE DAY!

Brain Ford writes:

My girlfriend
told me about this party
where
the guys had huge massive cocks.
She bet me I couldn’t handle it.
I BLEW the competition away.

See What I Did, Click Here

Nick’s Reply: You touched me deep, Brain Ford. I’m not gonna lie. I knew it was a special time when I saw the email with the subject "I HOPE I can swallow ALL Of You", and I hoped it was from you, Brain Ford. I hope you can swallow all of me too. I hear it reduces breast cancer, Please, please, please handle what I’ve got, Mr. Ford. I’d hate to see you go home sticky chinned and empty handed. As an aside, do you find it ironic that you drive a Brain Chevy?

Today’s CHUD Fact:

Wouldn’t it be nifty if Tom Cullen was revealed to be the father of M-o-o-n Unit Zappa?

Random Shit:

• Devin’s going to Berlin! Don’t terrorize him, please.

If CHUD Ran the Movies, by Nick Nunziata.

Dear CHUD readers, this could well be one of the last times I update this site (stop cheering). This weekend I am flying to Berlin (the one in Germany) to visit the set of the feature film adaptation of Aeon Flux. I fear flying like a worm fears the early bird, and this will be my first time winging it across the Atlantic. But if I should take find my end to be the same as that guy who got sucked out of the plane in the Lost pilot, at least I will have reported to you this one Aeon Flux related story.

The first picture of Charlize Theron in her movie get-up is out, and she couldn’t look any different from her role in Monster. Not that I expected her to still be wearing that burn looking makeup. Anyway, while her hair is less purple and her body less grotesquely proportioned than Peter Chung’s animated heroine, she does look poised to kick a bit of ass.

Expect to hear more from me about the film in weeks ahead, assuming I survive the flights and am not embargoed to death. If I do survive the flight but am embargoed to death, look forward to lots of "Innocents Abroad" type bullshit.

If you want to see a Harold and Kumar 2: Harold and Kumar Go to Amsterdam (where else?), you better buy the DVD. That’s going to be the deciding factor on a sequel, says director Danny Leiner. "That is the plan. The writers were hired
to write that sequel. And I think it’s going to depend on how the DVDs
sell. If they become a big seller – as I’m hoping they will because I
know there’s a lot of fans of the movie out there, and hopefully
they’ll tell their friends and that kind of thing – maybe it will take
off like an Office Space or a DVD like that. I actually think we have a
good shot. We’ll know over the next couple of months, into February and
March. Plus, I want to go to Amsterdam!"

The film, which cost 9 million to make, earned double that in theaters, but bringing everyone back would probably hike the costs this time. Thus the need for a healthy DVD life. I haven’t seen the film yet, but I did manage to eat a bunch of White Castle burgers at their junket here in New York City, so I have nothing but warm wishes for the boys. I do have to wonder what it says about us as a society, though, when all of our enduring stoner duos are minorities. Or Jay and Silent Bob.

I count myself as a strident Aaron Eckhart partisan, and I wince when I look back at some of the roles he has taken in recent years. Suspect Zero alone is enough to give you the stigmata. In fact, a look at his CV (how British of me!) reveals that the guy hasn’t been in anything I actually LIKED since Nurse Betty, and that was back when we all thought maybe Chris Rock could have a movie career.

Now he’s signed on to two new indie films, at least one of which gets me really excited. Let’s start with the other one: in Conversations With Other Women, Eckhart plays the divorced husband of Helena Bonham Carter. After many years apart they meet again at a party. OK, that could go either way.

The other, though, sounds great. It’s based on Christopher Buckley’s satirical novel Thank You For Smoking, and will star Eckahrt as a completely awful tobacco industry PR guy. I haven’t read the book yet – it’s in the endless pile of "To Read" – but I hear that it’s superb, and that it’s dark as hell. Let’s hope the movie lets Eckahrt channel a little of that In the Company of Men magic.

This gives me hope.

Now I can resume praying by might nightstand for a line of Barfly action figures as well as the action playset for The Accused.

There is a toy line coming for Walter Hill’s 1979 cult classic The Warriors.

I’m not just doing this news item as an opportunity to crack silly toy jokes. I think it’s cool. Really cool. The film is a bit dated, but still a great bit of fun and there’s something really right about a toy line being created for a film like The Warriors. Perhaps now my The Philadelphia Experiment lunchbox will arrive and I can use it to cart around my collection of variant Julian Po figurines.

Here’s the press release from Mezco on the release. I’m reprinting it in its entirety because this is the web and text is cheap.

The Warriors™ Come out to plaaa-ay

New York City, New York — Mezco Toyz, the “koolectible toy company” announces it has acquired the rights to the Paramount cult movie classic “The Warriors”. In celebration of the 25^th anniversary of the movie, some very exciting things are happening with this license. Mezco Toyz will create a five-figure assortment of some very cool action figures, these figures rock dead-on likeness, plenty of “attitude articulation” and tons of accessories. The figures will be packaged in a stylish and collector friendly clamshell package that can be J hooked or shelf displayed. Famed video game developer, Rock Star Games, will be releasing a hot new video game based on the same property. Both the figures and video game are slated for release in Spring 2005.

The Warriors storyline takes place at night, underground, in the sub-culture of gang warfare that rages from Coney Island to Manhattan to the Bronx. Filled with tons of action, vibrant characters and timeless attitude. The movie will translate perfectly into some of 2005’s hottest action figures and a rockin’ video game.

The product line up is as follows for series 1:

• Swan: Affiliation- Warriors. Rank- War chief. Accessories- Bowie knife, Switchblade, lead pipe and spray can.
• Cleon: Affiliation- Warriors. Rank- War chief. Accessories- Nunchucks, rumble chain and spray can.
• Cochise: Affiliation- Warriors. Rank- soldier. Accessories- Molotov cocktail, wooden board with nails and spray can.
• Baseball Fury: Affiliation- Baseball Furies. Rank- unknown. Accessories- baseball bat and broken baseball bat.
• Luther: Affiliation- Rogues. Rank- Unknown. Accessories- handgun, broken bottle and alternate hand with bottles on fingers (from famous end of movie scene).

Can you DIG IT!?

About the cult classic

The place is New York City, and the streets are owned by the gangs of New York. These are the Armies of The Night. They are 100,000 strong. They outnumber cops five to one. They could rule New York. Tonight they’re all out for the Warriors.

Set in a hostile, nocturnal world of neon-lit train stations, baseball-bat-wielding gang members and lethal, gun-toting women, "The Warriors" moves along at a frenetic pace. Every gang from New York’s five boroughs attend a massive meeting deep in the South Bronx. The agenda: the Gramercy Riffs have a plan to unite the feuding gangs and control the streets of New York. But something goes terribly wrong, the Warriors are wrongly accused of the assassination of the Riff’s charismatic leader, Cyrus. Now the Warriors must battle their way back to their home turf in Coney Island. Rumbling from the Bronx down to Brooklyn, the Warriors encounter opposition at every turn.

Periodically, a movie emerges that appeals to mature and younger audiences and defines a generation. Walter Hill’s 1979 street gang epic is one such film. With the era of the love child long gone, and Disco on the decline, the film summed up the fears and frustrations of the seventies youth. "The Warriors" deals with subjects that any teenager can relate to, such as the pressures of fitting in, camaraderie, and dealing with authority. Walter Hill made his directing debut with "The Warriors", a movie that treads the line between fantasy and urban reality. When the film was released, it was a major success. In the wake of the "The Warriors" success, other films have taken inspiration from it, such as Bronx Warriors, Class of 1984 and even Escape From

New York.

I’m less thrilled about the mention of a Rockstar game on the film. Their last attempt at something like this was State of Emergency, a game that a lot of Grand Theft Auto 3 owners bought out of respect and returned out of neccessity. It was druid shit.

But, at least my line of Deadly Friend Hummels will be made now.

Be a deadly friend on our message boards.

Today’s edition of Entertainment Weekly will premiere a shot of Dr. Doom from the upcoming Fantastic Four film. This isn’t a publicity shot but an actual picture of the character as he appears in the film.

I hate to pile onto this film – the last time I heard buzz this bad the killer bees where heading into Texas to kill us all – but Doom looks like shit. He looks like a Halloween costume, or the kind of Dr. Doom they have come make personal appearances at malls and children’s hospitals. I keep wishing that something would show up that makes me reconsider how bad this film looks, but each new peek only reinforces it. Now, maybe this will all work out in the end and we will have a delightful and fun film. I wish for nothing more than that. Well, I also wish for a twelve inch weiner, but that’s not happening either.

Nicolas Cage has not done traditional press rounds in at
least the five years I’ve been a journalist. He’s always pleasant on the red
carpet, answering a question or two if he makes it to your spot on the line,
but no roundtable interviews. Only for Sonny,
the film he directed, did he do three roundtables paired with his producer on
the film.

There are always some actors who just don’t like doing the
grind. Some major, established stars do press conferences to get it all done in
one shot. A lot of comedians refuse to do any print press at all, because they
can’t be funny on paper. We don’t really know why Cage avoided print press, but
it was a treat to get him for a press conference for National Treasure.

He gave a fine interview too, so there’s no discernable
reason why he’s avoided this. He had clear reasons for making decisions on this
film, and shared stories about his childhood inspirations. It was a pleasant
talk with a truly interesting actor, whether you like his Bruckheimer films or
not.

Q: Are you still able to find the challenges you were able
to find in your early career?

Nic: Yeah. I’ve always maintained that I see myself as a student. There’s
always something to learn and be challenged by and hopefully grow from. So
absolutely.

Q: Of all the action films you get offered, what was it about this one that
struck your fancy?

Nic: think that the very thing that made
me trepidatious was the same thing that intrigued me, which is the idea of a
man going in and stealing the declaration of Independence. I thought: this doesn’t seem
very plausible, and how can this actually be pulled off. I met with John
Turteltaub and he said, “But that’s what’s interesting. He’s audacious. He’s
bold.” And Jerry Bruckheimer always brings in a great group of technical
advisers who do the research and try to figure out exactly how to make it
within the context of the film seem as believable as possible. And I got to do
it in a tuxedo, so that was interesting to me as well.

Q: Wearing a tuxedo, did James Bond come to mind?

Nic: Well, I think that always comes up whenever there’s a
tuxedo. Cary Grant comes to one’s mind. It’s interesting because in the
beginning, during the rehearsal process, I wasn’t exactly sure what the tone of
the movie was going to be. And it was Jon Turteltaub to his credit who kept
sort of pushing it towards a stylization not unlike what maybe Cary Grant or
Jimmy Stewart might have done in the ‘30s and ‘40s, where they seemed to have a
very playful touch during these caper movies.

Q: How did you get along with Diane Kruger and Justin
Bartha?

Nic: Justin and Diane both have wild senses of humor.
They’re both very mischievous and kind off the wall in their sense of humor, as
am I. As you can imagine, we got along great and had a lot of laughs on the set
as well as off the set. We’d go and karaoke from time to time and sort of blow
it out and be completely ridiculous, which helped, I think.

Q: What did you sing?

Nic: I think it was some Rage Against the Machine, AC/ DC
and some Sex Pistols. I think what we did, again in the rehearsal process,
tried to discover the tone of the movie. With all of Jerry Bruckheimer’s movies,
you sort of tinker things and tweak things on the way, which can be very
nerve-wracking, but it can also be very electrifying and spontaneous. You might
come up with an accidental discovery that works. And you can also fall off the
high wire on your face and completely embarrass yourself. But fortunately with
Jerry, he surrounds you with people who really are about as good as it gets in
the business — great actors, all the best writers, that sort of tweak it as you
go along, terrific editors. So you’re pretty safe.

Q: How has your relationship with Bruckheimer evolved over
the years?

Nic: I think over the years we’ve cultivated a shorthand.
We’ve discovered what each of us bring to the table. He’s a producer who very
much encourages his actors to come up with ideas and then he goes through a
selection process to see what he feels will work or not work within the context
of keeping the train moving. Jerry has a vision which is an honest one. He’s a
terrific movie fan. He loves going to the movies and he likes films that I
think are very entertaining to himself and to many other people. So it’s a
vision that a lot of people share. But what’s unique about Jerry is that he
really does look in interesting places for his actors, and even writers. He’s
always looking for someone who might come up with an unexpected choice,
something a little bit outside the box which you can see in Con Air.
He used a lot of the independent film actors in that with John
Malkovich, and with Johnny in Pirates.
And then he has a sense of nostalgia for veteran actors like Duvall or Jon
Voight or Hackman. He does have a terrific amount of taste for talent.

Q: And Harvey Keitel?

Nic: And there’s another example of Jerry Bruckheimer
casting somebody who we’ve all sort of grown to know in more independent
material and challenging, edgy material. Harvey and I work extremely well
together. We both have an odd angle and take on life. I don’t know if insane is
too harsh a word, but it’s sort of a playful and unusual perception which I
think mixed well for the two of us.

Q: Why was South
Africa the right place to make Lord of War?

Nic: South
Africa is a fascinating location because it
can model for so many other locations. Lord
of War is a world stage. It takes place in many different areas. You have Manhattan, you have Ukraine,
you have Liberia.
And so there’s so many locales that you can actually use South Africa for, it becomes very
convenient. It’s much less expensive to shoot there and now I believe even
Dreamworks is going to be building a studio out there. The way the tide is
going now, it’s becoming increasingly rare to shoot a movie here at home. It
just is the way it is. It’s simple economics. If you can do a $120 million
movie for $80 million in South
Africa, then that’s what the studio is going
to do.

Q: What is your character in that film?

Nic: It’s one of those characters that I guess if you were
to take Scarface and replace the
drugs with guns, he’s a gun runner and he’s always figuring out where the
political climate is in the world to get rich and sell the right amount of
guns, and really has no ethics as to picking sides. He just has got his
calculator. And needless to say, it’s a politically charged movie.

Q: Do you ever think about slowing down and working less?

Nic: I always think about that. I took a year almost off
after Matchstick Men to find my next
picture which was National Treasure,
so I just sort of hit a spurt where there were screenplays that seemed
interesting enough and diverse enough to me to want to continue working.

Q: How do you look at genres and roles for yourself?

Nic: I have eclectic taste. I wouldn’t want to be on one
steady diet of any type of movie and so I think that informs my choices as
well. I have eclectic tastes in the movies I want to do. I think it’s dangerous
when you get trapped in an identity that is one way. I mean, it can work
because then the audience knows what they’re going to get, and they can rely on
that person to do that type of movie every time. But that would be very boring
for me and I would be calcified by that. I love keeping myself guessing and
keeping you guessing. I don’t want to just do independent movies and I don’t
want to just do adventure films. I enjoy both, and I think both are cogent. I
always have. I’m the first to admit my memories at least of going to Clint
Eastwood movies or Charles Bronson or James Bond. Bruce Lee, I always forget to
mention him. He was a huge inspiration for me and when I was a kid, I was Bruce
Lee in my mind. And what I like about it is it makes me happy and I think it
makes a lot of people happy to go to the movies and to not think about the
problems of the day or the problems of tomorrow or the yesterday and just go on
for the ride and have the fun of losing oneself in a fantasy.

Q: Will you try directing again?

Nic: That’s
the one area that I am slow to pull the trigger on because I feel that I am
still cutting my teeth in that area and I’m still sort of finding myself as I
go along. I’m very happy with Sonny
and it was a challenging move. It was, I think a movie that was difficult
for people to grasp because the subject matter is somewhat taboo, but that’s
the very thing that I think is stimulating to me and I have to look very
carefully to find the next script that I think would fit in that. In that
regard, I think I am trying to find my identity.

Q: Have you tried on your Ghost Rider costume yet?

Nic: I haven’t. I’m very curious about that. However, I ‘m still in talks about
that particular movie. It’s not a definite at this point.


Q: Are you attracted to comic book films in general?

Nic: Comic books for me as a young man were one of the ways
I learned how to read. There were other ways too, but I was always fascinated
by the mythology of them. Because I used to Greek myths, so I discovered a kind
of kindred spirit in the mind of Stan Lee and also DC Comics. And I always felt
that they would be successful in film as well even before they became
successful, and I knew the big three would be Batman and Superman and
Spider-Man. I guess the reason I responded to them was that they had the
fantasy of the child’s mind, and they’re a wonderful alternative world to sort
of lose yourself in.

Q: Would you try out for any other comic book roles?

Nic: I can’t think of anything. I think if this doesn’t
work, that’s pretty much it. I’ve never made a comic book film and I’ll just
sort of enjoy my nostalgic memories of them as a boy. I don’t read them any
more. It’s something that really came from the past.

Q: You’ve been attached to Ghost Rider
for so long, what the problem?

Nic: Again, it’s really just the vision of the movie and how it will be
portrayed. It’s really talks about script and things like that. It’s true that
I was involved with Ghost Rider over
three years ago and was trying to develop it with another filmmaker. These
things are very sensitive. It’s a bullseye and you really have to hit it;
otherwise it may not work. So it’s best for everyone to be cautious and make
sure it’s got the right auspices.

Q: Were you once offered Spider-Man?

Nic: I was never going to do Spider-Man. I know they talked
to me about playing the Green Goblin, but it was at the same time I was offered
Adaptation. And I was wanting to play
twins in a movie, so that’s why I opted for Adaptation.
Also, I like Spike Jonze’s work quite a bit. I also like Sam Raimi very much as
well. But it just seemed like Adaptation would
give me more of an opportunity to learn something.

Q: Did you get to try on the Superman costume with Tim
Burton’s project?

Nic: Superman, yeah, I did do that. I went pretty far down
the road with Tim Burton on that. And at the time, Warner Brothers just wasn’t
ready to pull the trigger so to speak on the script because it was getting
incredibly expensive and that was at a period in their career, Warner Brothers,
where they were being cautious with the money.

Q: Will you play Skeletor?

Nic: No. I don’t know anything about that.

Q: How about working with Woo again?

Nic: You know, I think John Woo’s a terrific filmmaker and I
would love to work with John again. I think we have a good rapport together.

Q: What inspired you to believe in yourself that you could
become a famous actor?

Nic: Well, at a very early age, I’m talking six, seven,
eight, I would watch television and I would see Charles Bronson in Once Upon a Time in the West or I’d see
Sean Connery and Clint Eastwood and be fascinated by the magic of filmmaking.
And would walk to school and actually have crane shots worked out in my mind
where the crane would be pulling up and looking down at me as a tiny object in
the street walking to school, so I guess it was something that was very pure
and organic in me that wanted to be a film actor. I just loved more than comic
books, I loved movies. I loved watching the TV and getting lost in films.
Anything that stimulated my imagination. My imagination in those early years
was really what inspired me and protected me.

Q: How did your family support you?

Nic: I kept it pretty close to the vest. I don’t think a lot
of people knew that I wanted to be an actor. I mean, there were little hints. I
enjoyed Halloween and liked disguising myself, wanted to be a disguise artist,
thought I was going to be a detective. I remember there was a TV show on where
there was a disguise artist detective. So I was into that. I was always
transforming myself and play acting, so I guess they might have had an inkling
that it might lead to this. I don’t think anyone really thought for certain
that I would actually become a film actor.

Q: Are you surprised how successful you’ve become?

Nic: That’s an interesting question that I sometimes get
asked. I don’t really know that I have the same perception of myself that other
people may or may not have. I don’t really look at myself as a successful
person. I always look at myself as someone who’s trying to find the next place
to go or the next thing to discover or improve upon. I have a difficult time
looking at the cup half full. I always tend to look at it half empty.

Q: Did you make a connection with your
childhood side on this movie?

Nic: I
think so, yes, very much so. I mean, at the end of the day it’s
impossible at certain times not to, on the set, take a look at yourself.
I look at where I’m standing and I go I’m still here. I’m still in the
back yard playing like I’m – you know a treasure hunter. It’s still very
much the spirit of playfulness that children have and it’s a great way not to
have to grow up.

Q: What kind of student were you in American
history?

Nic: I was
more into Roman Empire ancient history. I was fascinated by the Civil War
though, that was interesting to me. And it really wasn’t until much
later, and even on this movie, that I got to go to these very hallowed ground
landmarks like Independence Hall and start to cultivate the enthusiasm that
even the character has. Because even though it’s not a historically
loaded movie, I wanted to make it fascinating on some level to people.
But I would point out that this is a world treasure, this is not just a United
States treasure, this is a treasure that belongs to the world and I believe
it’s even in the movie. I mean these are things here like Alexander’s
sword, I don’t know if that’s in the movie, but artifacts that belong to the
entire world.

Q: How do
you think a world that is not so enthusiastic about America will react to the
movie?

Nic: Well,
again I would go back to the treasure itself, which is a world treasure.
I mean this is, as I said, is a treasure that contains artefacts that belong
all the way around the world and it’s presented that way in the movie.