The film, Domino,
is, as we previously reported in an article that I am far too lazy to
look up right now, is about a woman who ditches a modeling career to
become a bounty hunter. Even cooler, the woman is the real life
daughter of original Manchurian Candidate Laurence Harvey. She’s being played by Keira Knightley, and now she has a co-star – American Beauty’s
Mena Suvari will be playing a producer’s assistant. Not really certain
how that works into the whole story, but there you go. Still, nice to
see that someone is making it out of the American Pie films alive.

It’s a big
day for Werner Herzog. It’s been announced that he’s reteaming with Zak
Penn for that guy’s second feature, another mockumentary (read about it
here) – now it’s been announced that he’s working on a new documentary
of his own.

Here’s another name to add onto the list of actors itching to be cast in the long-in-the-works Watchmen movie.

Brit actor Simon Pegg, the zombie-battling title character of Shaun of the Dead, is dreamcasting himself into the (potentially) upcoming film as Rorschach, a violent vigilante and social misfit who wears a constantly morphing mask (I kinda pictured homely redhead David Caruso in the role, myself).

"I just reread Watchmen because I got sent the screenplay," Pegg commented. "We know the producer, Lloyd Levin, and I told him I was interested, so he sent it along as something to think about. I would just love to play Rorschach." Aside from being a funny bastard (you should be watching his series Spaced this week on Trio), Pegg occasionally delves into dramatic work such as Band of Brothers and The Reckoning.

Not too long ago, Jude Law (who apparently sports ink of a Watchmen character somewhere on his person) expressed a desire to play Ozymandius/Adrian Viedt in the film, based on Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ beloved superhero conspiracy graphic novel that redefined comics during the 1980s. Names like John Cusack have also been associated with the project since it started edging toward reality in the past few years.

The movie, championed and written by X-Men scribe David Hayter, has Requiem for a Dream virtuoso Darren Aronofsky scheduled to direct the daunting proposition for Paramount.

Sure, it’s bravely setting itself up for jabs by lazy critics, but the upcoming horror flick Abominable actually looks like it could be more fun than a Bigfoot movie deserves to be.

Shot on the cheap by Ryan Schifrin (yes, the son of legendary composer Lalo Schifrin, who provides the score), the Rear Window-esque movie stars Matt McCoy (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle) as a paralyzed man living in a secluded cabin. Jeffrey Combs (every B-horror movie), Dee Wallace-Stone (every other B-horror movie), Paul Gleason (Die Hard‘s Deputy Chief Dwayne T. Robinson), some nubile college students and one huge, pissed-off and extremely hairy beast of legend also star.

And a Drew Struzan poster? Sweet.

CHECK OUT THE TRAILER HERE!!

Good
day.

I’m
writing this as Hurricane Ivan wetly slaps my portion of
the country. A gorgeous pear tree just got shattered across
the street and my bizarre Asian neighbors nearly imploded
at the sight. They spend 18 hours a day in that yard making
it immaculate (seriously, ants have to sign a waiver before
entering) and now they’re in their garage watching the storm
batter their favorite place. I don’t know these people,
but I know that my Doberman wants to either rape their Chihuahua
or eat it… possibly both and not in that order. It’s hard
not to feel sorry for them though. Their main hobby just
got punched in the teats. It’d be like my DVD collection
melting or the school bus routes in Dave Davis’ neighborhood
changing. It’s a weird thing. The last big hurricane took
the roof off my Aunt Irene’s house and we all see how many
people are losing their homes, belongings, and lives to
this stuff. It’s pretty scary. Roland Emmerich is writing
a screenplay about it. That’s scarier.

So,
while we’re not the ones to wish good tidings on anyone…
be smart and be safe. Wind and rain can kick even Chuck
Zito’s ass.

On
with the Leak!

The
World IS Flat, Part One.

According
to IMDB Pro’s "STARmeter", the picture to your
right showcases "what people
are interested in, based not on small statistical samplings,
but on the actual behavior of millions of IMDb users. Unlike
the AFI 100TM or Academy AwardsTM, high rankings on STARmeterTM
and MOVIEmeterTM do not necessarily mean that something
is "good." They do mean that there is a high level
of public awareness and/or interest in the title or person."

It
tells me that something is rotten in Denmark (© William
Shakespeare by way of Quentin Tarantino). While these things
are more for entertainment purposes (even though it’s a
"pro" site), it makes me wonder how much tangible
importance "buzz" has. Lindsay Lohan has sprouted
ample curves in recent years and there are no doubt thousands
of young men firing rockets into tissues on her behest as
I type this, but it’s unfathomable to think she’d carry
more weight than a Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks on any chart
outside of Teen Beat or Black Inches magazine.

It’s
nothing against IMDB. They do some incredible work. It’s
just a weird offshoot of the business that lives somewhere
between the black and white reality of the trades and the
binary bullshit of HSX. Paris Hilton is on there, for the
love of small mammals. Paris
Hilton, the living Real Doll™. Sienna Guillory?
Come on… That’s an imported crayon, not the epitome of
movie star wattage.

It
seems the more I learn about how this weird business operates
the more I am handed that defies logic and forces me to
scramble back to St. Charles Avenue without passing GO.

Listening
to the public around me before, after, and friggin’ DURING
movies I hear stuff that makes me believe this is closer
to the truth than what we see in Variety or are told from
Exhibitor Relations. It makes me want to pull my brain out
and put it under my seat, because things sort of exist in
a vacuum. Maybe the world is flat. Maybe we did fake the
moon landing. Maybe Joe Pesci didn’t have a facelift. Maybe
we are to view this business as a 12 year old girl does
the boys around her. Love is instant and instantly transferred
to the next cute guy. Names are scribbled in sparkling gold
marker and crossed out the following week and replaced with
another. Perhaps the CEOs of Sony and Disney have those
little origami things in their hands and are going to pull
the tab that reveals who they currently are hot for and
it’s… Jenna Malone!

No
shortage of stuff baffles me in this world, let alone the
movie business. I guess it’s just another thing to pop into
this rambling sinkhole of a column.

If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER with your comments on this noise.

Star
Encounter Spillage…

This
may be bad form or absolutely great. Either way, I’m doing
it, so if I’m banned from doing interviews you’ll have some
damning evidence of such in Verdana text right here. In
our quest to provide you with as much one on one interaction
with famous people as possible, we often meet with stars
out junketing their film, doing PA tours, or just dry humping
us for the sheer delight of it. In between the margins of
talking about their film careers, their current project,
and in Devin’s case… which ass they have ink on, we get
an idea of how we view them as people. How they treat us,
what think seem to think of doing press, and what they’re
like in person. I figured I’d share my take on a few and
if you like it perhaps it can be an ongoing feature. I know
Devin has tons of fun tales. I can only imagine what Fred
Topel has seen.

Bear
in mind… this is an opinion. These are the worst human
circumstances to get to know a human being in. Junkets are
stressful, frenzied, and you never know if you’re the ninety-seventh
person they’ve dealt with, if their agent just told them
that they failed to get a role in Rhinestone 2, if they’re
on crank, haven’t slept, or just got out of bed with a hooker
who not only turned out to be the same sex as them but was
a mountain lion that was the same sex as them.

Still,
here’s my useless take on a few.

Morgan
Freeman – Mr. Freeman wanted
no part of me or my compatriots from "the Internet".
He had just finished a scene outdoors in the cold and obviously
wanted to relax in his trailer with a hot toddy and the
soundtrack to Body Shots. No question was intelligent enough,
and they all had to be turned around back at the interviewer.
Was he intimidating? Yes. Was he friendly? No. Is he one
of the greatest actors wearing skin? Shit yes. It doesn’t
taint one iota of my opinion of him. He’s tall as shit too.

Jason
Schwartzman – Here’s
a cool guy. He is loose and natural and laid back and was
very enthusiastic about his then-band Phantom Planet. He
even gave me his CD a few weeks before it came out. I liked
him before and I liked him after. Growing up in show business
can ruin a person but he seemed to take it all in stride.
He’s small. He could almost be an action figure.

Sunny
Mabry – When
I spoke to her, it was before she’d had a chance to do much.
Now that she’s in Species 3 I could bend her ear for hours.
"Did you go to a SILvan learning center to train?",
"Did you call Whip Hubley for advice?", "Will
critics call this Feces 3?". It was a little nervous
for both of us and I found it hard to compile questions
that were interesting and the more filmic they got, the
worse off we were. She was pretty though. I remember tight
jeans. What I forgot was my tape recorded. It lives on somewhere
in the Buckhead Ritz Carlton… haunting it with my awkward
Sunny Mabry interview.

John
Travolta – This
one’s fresh on my mind since it happened this week. I wrote
a fan letter to John Travolta sometime around 1980. I was
a huge fan back then. I knew every line from Grease and
was one of the many people anxiously awaiting Staying Alive.
In fact, there was a rumor that he’d be in First Blood II
and it’d have probably burst my heart from sheer joy if
it’d happened. Of course, I grew up and Mr. Travolta appeared
in Kirstie Alley films. Then, he came back and the love
was rekindled. This older, bigger Travolta was still bad
ass and I can honestly say that even after a series of mediocre
films I’ve been in his corner. Yes, we’ve been guilty of
cracking a Scientology joke now and then but I was utterly
impressed with the man when we met. He was charming, cordial,
and said all the right things in regards to fiulm, his career,
and beyond. After the interview he actually took the time
to help calm some of my airline fears and I have to admit
that I think he’s a solid guy from my brief time with him.
He’s not as tall as I expected. He enjoys iced tea, though.

Robert
Patrick – This
surprised the living dick out of me. This guy is incredible.
He came into the interview room loud and brash and larger
than life and it was beautiful. He had a tight t-shirt,
a stogie in his jaw, and was as animated as anything Miyazaki’s
ever dreamed up. You’ll see in my interview next week how
cool he was but I realized something that no casting director
has never realized… the Robert Patrick offscreen is better
than anything we’ve thusly seen onscreen. Here’s hoping
that changes. He’s a spark plug. Note: He may not know this,
but he’s the Earth X incarnation of Martin Sheen.

Kevin
Smith – Here’s
a guy I really liked in person. There’s the Kevin Smith
that does public speaking and the guy who sits in a room
and relaxes and as biting and funny as the guy can be in
front of hundreds, it’s obvious that he’s a regular guy
and a cool cat in private. Fanboys would probably ruin that
vibe, instead asking minutia about Eliza Dushku’s scent…
but Smith’s a winner from my few times dealing with his
humanity.

Paul
Rudd – There’s
bad ass and then there’s Paul Rudd. In that order. This
guy is better than sex without strings.

James
Cromwell –
There are few people I’ve met who carry as much weight
as Jamie (as he likes to be called). If you only know him
as a pig befriender or the guy who gets hated in Eraser,
then you’re mistaken. The guy is an actor’s actor and a
classy gent to boot. I thought I was going to be way out
of my league and intimidated by him, but he turned out to
be a really centered and hip dude.

The
Rock – Most
charismatic and engaging person I’ve ever met in my life.
bar none. I hate wrestling and I hate The Scorpion King,
but this guy is a beacon of personality and energy that
I found myself in awe of. Incredible.

Chris
Tucker – Dead
serious. No shit. It threw me for a loop. Uncomfortable
too. I think I like it about him now, that he wasn’t "on"
24/7 but at the time it just left me cold.

If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER with your comments on this noise.

The
Fact this Exists is Hilarious, Part 27.

Hilarious…
and fucking BRILLIANT!

If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER with your comments on this noise.

Mailbagsukidoji:

They
say that the Internet is filled with fools, but we’re out
to prove them wrong. Of course, who are these "they"
people we always hear about? Of course, your comments are
the lifeblood of this column. Please keep them coming. Don’t
be afraid to hold back. Regardless,
here’s another batch of letters from the great Sewer Chewership
out there. To send a letter, CLICK
HERE.

Pack
Yer Bags, We’re Goin’ on a GILF Trip.

Dan
Writes: Holy Mackerel, I just glanced up and saw today’s
CHUDMAN…the GILF. It’s absolutely one of the funniest
things I’ve ever seen on the site, and that’s saying quite
a bit. Thanks for the laugh, and keep up the good work.

Nick’s
Reply: Thank you! The
CHUD Man is one of our least appreciated features
and that is saying an awful lot. It has incredible competition
for that honor.

Morality
Play.

Brad
Writes: I don’t know if this has been done to death
but what’s up with TV morality? I was watching a particularly
gruesome episode of CSI last night. They don’t hesitate
to show dismembered corpses (and membered corpses too) in
various states of decay, but you will never see that corpse’s
nipples [1.](if
the cadaver be a woman). They’ll show guts ripped out
and bullets entering brains but not the nipple. As if nipples
are somehow more disturbing than clinically presented grue.

Nipples
are great. It’s like the old joke: How do you make
3 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Is there
some kind of petition I can sign, or rally I can join, or
product I can boycott in order to increase the nipple quota
on TV? Even if its just a hint of nip?[2.]

I
should qualify this by adding that I am Australian[3.].
But even so, our TV programming is predominantly imported
from the U.S (Don’t get me started on how the Free
Trade Agreement is arse raping the quota of Australian-produced
programs screened with a big, spiky pineapple). And though
we have more than our fair share of moral crusaders trying
to dictate what us free-thinking adults can watch, the average
Aussie has no aversion to a slip of nip or a suggestion
of pube.

On
another note: Death Race 2000 is the most fucked up movie
I’ve ever seen[4.].
I think they should remake it. (With extra nipple)

On
yet another note: Give more reviews to Jeremy Slater[5.].
That guy is funnier than a nipple on an arse cheek.

Thanks, love your site[6.].

Nick’s
Reply: [1.]Pervert much? [2.]I
agree that they’ve got their heads up their asses as far
as what should and shouldn’t be shown on television but
I think people will always have that anal retentive gene
when it comes to THE CHILDREN even though most kids
have showered with their parents and seen the silly and
alien apparatus hanging from or up in us. [3.]Steve Murphy
wants to screw you. [4.]See more movies. [1.]Jeremy’s only
here because of affirmative action. The law says we need
a gay dwarf on staff and he’s it. Don’t push your luck.
[6.]I’ll try to.

Sin
Shitty?

Kevin
Writes: I finally had a chance to view the Sin City
footage. It’s quite disappointing. As I watched the handful
of actors scream, ooze, and seethe their dialogue through
facial prothesis, I had the overwhelming feeling that neither
of those guys could act tough enough to fill the shoes of
Frank Miller’s characters. They’re all pampered Hollywood
pussies. Don’t get me wrong. I like most of those actors,
especially Benicio Del Toro. His performance in "Way
of the Gun" is understated gold. He brought some bona
fide man shit to that role. I just don’t get the same vibe
(I’m so hip) from the Sin City piece.

My
solution – animate that thing! The source material is screaming
to be animated. A gritty noir such as Sin City would be
a much needed shot in the arm to an industry laden with
anthropomorphic fish movies. I liked "Finding Nemo"
as much as the next guy, but there is room for more adult
fare. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think this
flick is going to be a mega-nutpunch. I hope I’m wrong.

Nick’s
Reply: Well, it’s too late to animate the movie now.
It’s happening. I saw the footage and while there were some
nice moody shots and all… I had no love for what I saw.

About
Bob.

Sean
Writes: "Get out of the cagglaallalaglglaaaa!"

Good
work, Nick. This is easily the best quote the site has ever
used. I can’t believe I’m not the only one who finds this
particular line of dialogue to be friggin’ hysterical! I
say it all the time…and no one knows what the hell I’m
talking about.

Nick’s
Reply: I love that line too. Me and my buddy
Brian used to do hundreds of variations on the line and
it’s pretty much the only thing I can tolerate about What
About Bob?. The film was on TBS recently and all
I could think about was hoiw stupid I was for liking the
film in theaters. Oh, and Bill Murray’s wardrobe? Yentl
wept.

Cutting
Slack.

Ken
Writes: In Steady Leak #80 you said you hated Alex Gonzalez.
Which one and why? And cut Selig some slack. Because of
him we have the Wild Card. Without that some great baseball
moments would not have happened and the sport would be in
financial trouble w/ so many teams out of it by August 1st.

Also do you have a take on the possibility of Joss Whedon
landing X3?

Nick’s
Reply: Alex
Gonzalez (the Marlin) just has this air of asshole-ness
about him that infuriates me. He looks like he just doesn’t
give a shit. Plus, he tends to hit homers against the Braves
and is a member of the team I hate most (never lost a playoff
series) on Earth. I think Joss Whedon’s not ready for X3.
I like him, I think he’s doing good work with the comic,
I just don’t think he’s ready for it. I hope he proves me
wrong, but I’m not excited at all for the project at this
time.

Wimmer
Update.

Aaron
Writes: Just another e-mail from the one person who
seems to care about this project. Kurt Wimmer has finished
filming Ultraviolet and we still have got no coverage, no
set photos, no nice pics of the svelte Milla Jovosomething,
who dare I say, in my mentally addled opinion, has something
that might be described as potential, sort off, in a way.
But then Resident Evil Apocalypse hasn’t come out here (Australia)
yet so that may well poison the whole thing. Anyway, I know
you guys only get what gets set to you and what you steal
but, any idea when we might here something?

Nick’s
Reply:
I’ll get you an update soon. I promise.

CSI
Hate.

Yuri
Writes: Sure, the CSI looks great, but it’s also
deplorably stupid. However, that might just be something
symptomatic of the times we live in – an emphasis on
style over substance. CSI and its offshoots, Gary Sinise
or not, are really just noisy, overly elaborate and the
characterizations are wafer thin. I can’t stand the
show. All of the jump cuts and cool editing can’t gloss
over the fact that the show is insipid. Granted, it’s
still just TV, but knowing and working with the police as
I do, I know at least one who’s routinely annoyed by
the show, saying it actually impedes people formulating
a real image of police work. Like him attending a crime
scene and somebody not understanding why he isn’t lifting
prints like they do in CSI. Of course, CSI is just entertainment,
but I think we owe it to ourselves to demand better. Even
if the CSI technical folk were working on major features,
we’d still be in the same boat – great looks,
empty head. The advancements don’t necessarily amount
to progress.

Nick’s
Reply: I enjoy CSI to some extent, though I haven’t
ever seen their Miami, New York, and Boise spinoffs so they
could suck ram dick and I’d be none the wiser. William L.
Bowlegged is too good to ignore.

From
the pages of Sci-Fi…

Mike
Writes: Just wanted to let you know that I’m a huge
fan of your site. A Sci-Fi magazine article was where I
first read of the words chud.com. It was either written
by you or Devin, I’m sure one of you remembers (or not).
Anyway, I’ve visited chud just about every day for the past
four years and it just seems to get better and better with
each visit.

Nick’s
Reply:
Holy shit, you’re the guy who read my column! I did the
RANT column for the last few months of the magazine’s former
(and better) existence, and the wheels came off and we were
homeless. That’s something common in the magazine world.
I’m glad you found the site through there and I hope we
can continue to improve and be that rare place that doesn’t
"jump the shark" unless we already have.

Holding
out for a Hero.

Joel
Writes: I did not know exactly where to send this email,
so I thought I’d try you. I just got done watching the movie
Hero, and was blown away. In my opinion it rivals Crouching
Tiger in many ways. While the action scenes are not as breath
taking as Tiger, the directors use of color and camera angles
make this one of the most aesthetically pleasing movies
I have ever seen. The landscapes were beautiful, and the
costuming was amazing. I am not sure if any of you on the
site have reviewed it yet, but if not when you finally get
to see it, you are in for real cinematic treat.

Nick’s
Reply: Because I honestly never
thought it’d see American screens, I bought an import at
the San Diego Comic Con a year and a half ago. I loved the
movie and was glad/surprised to see Miramax give it a decent
release. I like it better than Crouching Tiger in
many respects, and hope all of our readers who aren’t too
cool to read subtitles caught it during its recent run.

Wrong
Email Address?

SettingCaptivesFree
Writes: Greetings!

Wow…what
a lesson! God is so awesome in how He has dealt with our
sin problem through the cross of Jesus Christ. I hope you
are in awe of this great gift of grace, too![1.]

You
know, the cross has everything to do with breaking the power
of sin in our lives, because it is through the cross of
Jesus Christ [2.]that
our sin has been forgiven and it is through the resurrection
of Jesus Christ that we have power to overcome. So the gospel
is extremely important in our path to freedom from overeating.

We
praise God for the gift He has given us in His Word, the
Bible. We love Gods Word[3.]!
In 1 Corinthians 15:54-58, we read the following:

"54
So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this
mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to
pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed
up in victory[4.]."

55
"O Death, where is your sting[5.]?
O Hades, where is your victory?"

56
The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the
law. 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through
our Lord Jesus Christ. 58 Therefore, my beloved brethren,
be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of
the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the
Lord".

This
declaration of victory over sin and death finishes the chapter
that began with the gospel (verses 1-4 of chapter 15). This
shows us the value of the gospel, that the end result is
our victory! Victory in Jesus Christ[6.]!

It
is our hope as you continue through The Lords Table [7.]that
you will grow more and more to treasure both the cross and
the victory the gospel brings to our lives.

Nick’s
Reply: [1.]
Have you seen The Passion of the Christ? It’s
bitchin’! [2.] Actually, the cross is Jesus’ least
favorite place. I think there are other things that make
people proud of their Christian heritage and what the scriptures
have taught you. The cross… well, it HURT. [3.] Who
is Gods? Some geometrical
relative of Zardoz? Don’t be tossing Hieroglyphics at me
before my morning coffee! [4.] Yuck! [5.] Recording albums
and Disney soundtracks at a steady clip, I’m sad to report.
[6.]
Michael Caine and Stallone were awesome, weren’t they? [7.]
Lords
probably owes some copyright dough to Gods.
Folks, the only reason I included this email in here is
because its subject was this: "FEEDBACK: STEADY LEAK".
Holy holies.

Alien
vs. Freelance.

James
Writes: Hey Nick. Just a couple of quick words, first
of all to say that I’ve loved the site for a long time (it’s
at the top of mt Favourites list!), and that I am looking
forward to the upcoming changes. Howeve, screw changing
the background colour[1.].
I’ve found CHUD to be the consistently the easiest movie
news site to read because you don’t have to feel like you’re
squinting into a lightbulb anytime you want to read something.
I very much hate the stark white backgrounds of most sites,
and I hope I’m not alone in thinking that the black background
is way better…

First of all, he claims to be a huge fan of both series,
but it’s all horseshit. If he’d have watched Alien, he’d
have known that the scariest thing about that creature was
that you hardly ever saw it[2.].
If he’d have watched Aliens, he’d have known that having
characters you care about is the crux of the whole movie.
If he’d have watched Alien 3 (and this is a point that really
gets to me), he’d have known that fucking Michael Bishop
(the "real" Bishop toward the end of the flick)
was the basis for the Bishop models, not friggin’ Weyland!
If he’d have watched Alien: Resurrection… well, he’d have
wasted two hours of his life. And if he’d have watched either
of the Predator movies, he’d have known that the Preds are
stealthy, unseen hunters… not fucking pompous gods that
come to Earth and order shit around[3.].
These examples just came off the top of my head, and Paul
Anderson had all the time in the world to think about that
shit. How Anderson keeps getting these sweet directing gigs
is really beyond me, but it’s really starting to become
quite annoying. At least give the guy shit like xXx or Riddick
or something… not stuff that has potential!

But hey, enough of my bitching for now; the last thing I
wanted to talk about was DVD reviews. I see a few titles
that haven’t been reviewed on the site yet, but I really
don’t have the time to commit fully to a tight schedule.
Do you accept "freelance" work, or would I have
to quit my job to get some word-space on CHUD[4.]?

Nick’s
Reply: [1.]My experiments have led me back to black
(more on that in the next letter), so the background will
indeed remain as is. [2.]Wrong. The scariest thing about
the creature is that it knows what Yaphet Kotto tastes like
(more on that in the next letter). [3.]How dare you! The
Shit Around is what I order at Wendy’s every time! [4.]I’m
feeling out some new reviewers (more on that in the next
letter), so I think we’re doing alright. As for "freelance",
it depends on your terms. We can’t afford to pay people,
and most of the people who want to contribute only want
to do fun stuff like editorials and reviews, stuff that
is all about pushing their opinions out there. That’s cool,
but it sometimes dilutes the editorial focus of the site.
What we need is people who aren’t above writing news items,
reviewing magazines, and some of the less fun trench work.
At least, that’s the case right now. No offense to her,
but Eileen kind of disappeared and left us hanging. So,
we’re scrambling a little.

SPAM
OF THE DAY.

Black
Cock Writes: Huge black cocks pound squealing white
bitches!

Nick’s
Reply: Black Cock speaks truths. I think that Black
Cock probably needs a little work in the grammar department,
because a sentence as compelling as that one needs others
surrounding it to really have the full impact. I don’t feel
that the squealing white bitches’ true experience is complete
without further description. I know that Black Cock obviously
is passionate about his/her words but to really drive home
the impact of what huge black cocks can achieve, you just
can’t leave us hanging. Black Cock, tell us more!

Shameless
Self-Promotion Dept:

Since
so few of you read the message boards, I’m going to pop
in a few self promotional tidbits here from time to time.
The great thing is: You can avoid this section if it bothers
you.

The
archive of my CNN.com articles is right HERE.
A new one appears every Tuesday. The latest is The Grimm
Leaper, right
here.

Song
of the day: KILLING UTOPIA, by PKG. This song will
kick your ass up and down Main St. It’s a fact. Click HERE
to download and HERE
for a place to comment.

‘IF
CHUD Ran the Movies’, by Nick Nunziata

See
you soon!

BUY
IT AT AMAZON: CLICK
HERE!
STUDIO:
Warner Bros.

MSRP: $26.98 RATED:
R
RUNNING
TIME: 88 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:
• Commentary
•
Theater of Noise
• Documentaries
• Original student film
•
Trailers

Before
he brought us pop music infused coming of age
tales and intergalactic heroics, George Lucas
delivered THX 1138, a cold look
at what our future could be if we fell further
into the embrace of consumerism and dependency.
It’s an art film through and through, something
that provides a sharp contrast to the George
Lucas of 2004 and a film that is arriving at
a perfect time to reinforce the legacy of the
filmmaker as well as shine a deserved spotlight
on a truly deserving bit of work.

Lobot
loved it when Palpatine shed the cloak and showed
off his Dark Side.

The
Flick

"That
little skank did Major Bludd in the linen closet
last night."

Humans
are nothing more than numbers, fueled by a strict
regimen of drugs and supervision. They exist
to buy. They exist to be cogs in the machine
and little else. The world is devoid of color
and bleak, manned by chrome faced robotic officers
and each day in this sterile underground is
the same as the one before. It’s that science
fiction staple that never gets old, the mirror
image of our own society where big brother rules
the roost and we’re forced to rise up.

Robert
Duvall is THX 1138, a worker whose grip on this
medicated future is loosening. He’s beginning
to show feeling and the big eye in the sky knows
it. His newfound love for his mate (Maggie McOmie)
shatters the placid little world around him
and he is taken in for “conditioning” along
with a few other people, including SEN-5241
(Donald Pleasence), another who seems a little
smitten with THX. The result is less of a traditional
narrative and more a jagged look at what mankind
hath wrought. Or could.

Finally, the answer to the question "Is
Warwick Davis a bear?".

The
film is most interesting in its starkness and
nearly comprehensive use of such a sterile palette
of colors and tones. Lucas has said that he
wanted to make THX 1138 as a documentary
from the future or another world and it’s apparent
in every frame. Sound is displaced and tells
the story as much as the images, both coming
forth in jagged and raw bursts that showcase
a filmmaker we’ve not seen since. Lucas was
a prodigy coming out of film school and this
film showcases someone much more like a Stanley
Kubrick than the master ringmaster we’ve grown
to paint the man as. This is a brave, potent
film that pulls a chair right next to both the
literary works which inspired it as well as
the pioneering science fiction films that are
considered the pillars of the genre and it adds
its own mythology to the mix. I’d seen it in
my youth but dismissed it as a boring, small
effort hampered both by its age as well as the
lack of lightsabers and landspeeders but now
it makes perfect sense why Lucas was allowed
to make Star Wars. This is almost
like the scholarly, mature big brother to Star
Wars in both its themes of men against
oppression and mechanized villainy and also
its look at how our society (both then and now)
is so reliant on material things and our willingness
to fall in as the cattle the corporations view
us as. Of course, the irony that Lucas is now
the poster boy for marketing and milking the
consumer base isn’t lost on me, but the fact
remains that his is a career forged in art and
ambition and not commerce. I think he is being
honest when he says that this film more than
any other represents his actual place as a filmmaker.

The
goverment rule of Emperor Vidal Sassoon was
brief but fair.

For
such a tiny budget, THX 1138 doesn’t
feel like an inexpensive film. I don’t remember
the original well enough to compare, but even
without the obvious new digital bells and whistles
they’ve added it seems like a pure vision. Before
digital effects came in and spoiled the fun
for everyone, George Lucas was the master of
making science fiction look “lived in” and functional
rather than just pretty and futuristic for the
sake of lulling his audience into swallowing
the bait. Here as in the pre-90’s incarnations
of the Star Wars original trilogy, everything
seems functional and used. It’s something that
goes a long way towards making films in this
genre resonate. Since it was made in the early
1970’s, it’s hard to expect the film to represent
an accurate vision of future technology even
by our current standards, but nothing is overly
explained or presented with a knowing wink so
we are just shown the future instead of being
taken on a guided tour. It’s a smart approach,
something we don’t often see in our current
diet of science fiction. Everything has to be
shown to us, both to share recognition with
our present-day versions of them but also because
some effects artist or craftsman took the time
to realize them so they must be seen. In THX
1138 we’re given no such explanations
so we have to assume that the tubular device
that rises out of Robert Duvall’s lap has just
sucked the boy sauce out of him.

Harvey
continued his thrusting, completely oblivious
to the bartenders watching and taking notes.

There
are tons of stories about finding one’s individuality,
and had I not dismissed this film ages ago I’d
have realized that Equilibrium
owes a great debt to it. This is one of the
better stories/cautionary tales in regards to
our ever-present battle with maintaining our
self. The fact it was made by a filmmaker right
at the beginning of the 70’s film school brat
surge is even more impressive. The fact that
it comes from a filmmaker we now know as George
Lucas™ is the icing on the cake. THX 1138
is a special movie.

Because
it is so cold, nondescript, and alien in the
way it communicates with its viewer, it’s not
what I’d classify as an entertainment. It’s
an art film, something that is more concerned
with achieving a subconscious reaction than
winning over an audience with outright drama,
action, or comedy. There are moments that work
that way for sure, like the repeated query of
“what’s wrong?” every time someone opens their
medicine cabinet. At first it was weird, but
the more I heard it the more funny I found it
and if the voice had been any different it probably
wouldn’t have worked. I also chuckled at the
idea of Donald Pleasance pining for Robert Duvall’s
affections, the completely joyless masturbation
of the future, and the fact that after an accident
literally destroys a handful of workers that
there’s a PA announcement about how good a job
the other people are doing as mangled lumps
of humanity are dragged out of the wreckage.

Narcoleptic
Ronald always fell asleep at the pin on hole
15 at Fuzzy Zoeller’s personal golf course.

There
also is action, primarily in the last act. When
it is apparent that escape is the only logical
means of ending their crushing lifestyle, the
survivors hop into exotic cars and tear ass
through the tunnels. The scenes work well, proving
that Lucas has never had a problem staging an
action sequence. One stunt in particular will
blow your mind, especially when you discover
that the stunt man not only survived but wasn’t
hurt at all. Overall, it’s a statement film
but it has its moments. This new director’s
cut features an array of digital additions as
is per the norm for Lucas and while some of
them are more jarring than others it doesn’t
feel as out of place here. The weird creatures
at the end are just creepy enough and more lithe
than the original version’s “little people”
that it works, the added scenery brings it a
little closer to the future, and the original’s
deficiencies in execution were mostly due to
a lack of resources. As a result, I cannot really
complain about these additions. Actually, it
makes THX 1138 an easier film
to watch. In some respects this film could have
been made in 2004, something that’s damn near
impossible in science fiction. It may or may
not be a classic, depending on your particular
parameters, but at the end of the day
THX 1138 is something pretty powerful
and a testimony to the skills and mindset of
Mr. George Lucas.

It then dawned on Dolores that perhaps they
should stop performing ‘Zombie’ during their
coffee shop tour of ’04.

8.0
out of 10

Gary
hated when the Micah police showed up for their
weekly ‘Robinson’.

The
Look

This
disc was made possible by Lucas and his unrivaled
posse of technical wizards and warlocks, so
it’s obvious that the DVD is something rather
astounding to look at. What is remarkable is
how wonderful and crisp they’ve made it all
look since this film was made before the Lucasfilm
guys really took an interest in film restoration.
This is simply remarkable to look at and though
there are a few intermittent scratches to be
found upon close inspection, it’s as nice a
transfer as an older, smaller film has ever
had.

It
has to be seen to be believed. This is right
up there with the amazing transfers for Casablanca,
The Adventures of Robin Hood,
and all those other magnificent rereleases.

10
out of 10

"I never should have complimented the Sun’s
powerful rays", thought Abe. "Now
the little bitch follows me EVERYWHERE".

The
Noise

Walter
Murch wanted to create a "Theater of Noise"
with this film, and while it’s a weird audio
track by today’s standards, it is truly experimental
and interesting as a project when coupled with
today’s home theater capabilitites. The film
has been given a loving 5.1 track that scatters
the sound to all corners and creates an immersive
and slightly claustrophobic feel to the movie.
Surely it’s intentional and it achieves more
with little than some tracks do with an all
out assault on the ears. This is an example
on how to really use the soundstage and Murch
and Lucas have pulled a rabbit out of a hat
here.

10
out of 10

The
Goodies

First, I must
say that I wish they’d included the original
version of the film here. For people like me
who haven’t seen it since we wore clothing by
OshKosh, it’s hard to know what’s been changed.
Making matters worse is that there’s no featurette
that tells what was changed or illuminates anything
about the restoration process or what has been
added to make this a "director’s cut".
That’s bad form. It’s also the only really negativ
ething I can say about the disc’s features.

It was then that the principal realized he shouldn’t
have let young del Toro be in charge of the
video annual project for Guadalajara High.

There’s a commentary
track featuring Murch and Lucas that is remarkably
devoid of much mention of the Star Wars
trilogy, instead digging to the core of their
motivation for this film as well as the rocky
road to have it made. They also spend a good
deal of time on the technical side and I was
surprised that it managed to remain entertaining
even though the film is so barren and the technical
efforts seem benign by today’s standards. If
nothing else, this DVD has reminded me why I
idolized Lucas as a young pup. It isn’t that
he made Star Wars, but it’s the
sensibilities that informed him while making
Star Wars. The intangibles that
helped elevate those films as well as American
Graffiti into something larger than
just being action/sci-fi or just a coming of
age tale. His approach to his subject matter
is why this film still works, why this DVD is
so profoundly crafted, and why he has his own
little city in Northern California. Hearing
him discuss stuff on a commentary track outside
of Star Wars showcases the filmmaker
and not the businessman, the Oz behind the curtain.
It’s a good thing for a Star Wars cynic
like me.

There’s
also a "Theater of Noise" track that
features just the noise and sound effects of
the movie and I’ll be very surprised if this
doesn’t become a staple of nightclubs and trendy
spots, something to put on the monitors in the
background. It feels very much like an extended
music video, but one given room to breathe.
It’s very bizarre to watch and I found myself
kind of zoning out as it played. If nothing
else, people will have something new to watch
under the influence.

There
are two solid retrospecive documentaries on
both the making of the film and its influence
as well as the filmmakers who made Francis Ford
Coppola’s American Zoetrope company so interesting
in the 1970’s. They’re well crafted and it’s
nice to see the principals revisit the film
that served as a small springboard for their
careers.

The
short film that won all sorts of acclaim for
Lucas in film school is included too, and while
I didn’t find it all that entertaining I understand
how it made him a filmmaker to look out for.
There’s also a mostly weird vintage featurette
about Lucas’ decision to shave the heads of
the cast and it’s made even stranger by the
weird echo effect on some of the voices. Back
then, being bald was a little less common than
now and flowing locks were a sign of the freedom
and rebellion of the time. Now, it means that
white people can try to look tough without even
having to work out!

The
trailers for both releases are included and
I have to admit that they have done a pitch
perfect job of selling this film with the new
spots. They’re incredible. The first time I
saw one I thought it was for a new movie. That
either showcases how good a job they did or
how lacking we are of real science fiction these
days. You decide.

8.5
out of 10

The
Artwork

Perfection.

Simple,
iconic bits of artwork are almost always more
effective than fancy usage of Photoshop and
pictures of actors that do little else than
to show off their familiar faces. Here we see
the embodiment of conformity, an image that
may not bring back tons of THX 1138
memories but instead provide a timelessness
to both the film and the DVD. It’s simple and
beautiful. Unless that’s Sinead O’Conner. Then,
it’s hideous and not Catholic.

As
an aside, they sent me a little poster of this
as well as a little pin like the pictured earring
as well as a little bar code tattoo. That’s
some cool stuff.

10 out of 10

Overall: 8.8 out of 10

I think it’s only proper when reviewing a film about a controversial group of people, those being the titular Trekkies, that the review should be equally controversial.  Like the majority of you out there, I’m a fan of most things Trek.  I grew up watching the original series, watched The Next Generation with wide teenage eyes and especially enjoyed the different take on the Trek universe afforded by Deep Space Nine.  Then there’s Voyager…and then there’s Enterprise, which is really coming into it’s own – finally.  I enjoyed the movies and have several of them in my collection.  I consider myself a Trekkie.  But there are Trekkies, and then there are Trekkies.  They were the uniforms, collect the merchandise, attend the conventions, speak Klingon, don’t get laid, live with their parents….Anyway, there’s plenty of good stuff to be mined if one were to take a camera and point it at these people.  I’ve only seen parts of the first film, but I got a couple of  eyesocketfuls of this one.  An hour-and-a-half of hundreds of people talking about why they love Roddenberry’s hallowed creation.  Since they all got their two cents’ worth, I thought I’d take a moment and toss in my useless copper Lincolns on the whole Trek experience.

Latest upgrade to the Enterprise: daytime running lights.

The Flick:

Here’s the plot of this documentary: Continuing her work from the original film, former Star Trek: The Next Generation pinup girl, Denise Crosby, travels the world in search of all things Trek and interviews the legions of pointy-ear-wearing nutbags from every race, culture and sexual orientation who have kept this franchise alive for nearly 40 years…….
 
(awkwardly long pause)

(crickets chirping)

(reviewer sweats nervously)

Okay.  That didn’t take long.  Thought I’d have more to say about the movie… uhmmm…shit. 

Where no Trekkie has ever gone before, can go to now, will ever go,
could even dream to go, has a showball’s chance in hell to go…

See here’s the thing: if I don’t actually fill up some bandwidth reviewing this thing, Nick and Dave will treat me like Zed treated Marcellus Wallace.  So for the sake of staying regular, please allow me to share with you observations I’ve made in my many years of watching Trek, several of which include things I’ve seen in this documentary.  These are just streams (more like steady leaks) of consciousness and are in no particular order of importance (like anything in this review is important). Some of these observations may be humorous, some may cause ethnic cleansing.  But please, I urge you, however you choose to react to these comments, please do so in an orderly fashion.  Thank you.

A Trekkie and an Abe Sapien fan…

•    Although she’s gotten a bit of the Gold Kryptonite since she left TNG, Denise Crosby still has some great M-Class planets.

•    Why is it that the fattest, ugliest and usually the most pathetic Trek diehards are always Klingon warriors?

•    Sexiest Trek babe: Jolene Blalock (Enterprise) with Nichelle Nichols (Star Trek: The Original Series) a close second.  Scariest Trek babe: naked Nichelle Nichols (Star Trek V).

•    Biggest yet probably least-known Trek handjob: My wife speaks fluent Swahili, and I was dying to know what the salt vampire from TOS episode “Man Trap” said when it  changed into the black crewman and macked on Uhura.  So I recorded the segment and showed it to my wife to find out.  Her reply?  “I don’t what the hell that shit is, but it’s not Swahili.  I don’t think it’s even a language.”  What???

Oh, me sho hoany, oh, me sho hoany, me suckth you long
thime…

•    I watched a little TV before I started watching Trekkies 2 and I don’t know what scared me worse: the people I saw at the Star Trek conventions or the people I saw at the Republican convention.

•    Was it me or was Gwynyth Walsh (B’Etor from TNG and Generations) the sauciest Klingon ho you ever saw?

•    If/when there’s another Trek flick, I better not hear any bullshit about Federation ships’ shields failing, maximum warp or photon torpedoes when the least-regarded series, Voyager, introduced switchblade armor, quantum slipstream and transphasic torpedoes.

•    The Best season of any Trek series?  Season 7 of DS9.  Hands down.

Denise Crosby’s post Star Trek career didn’t turn out quite like she
hoped…

•    Do black Vulcans have bigger phasers than white Vulcans?

•    Do Andorian chicks menstruate blue? 

•    Do Orion slave chicks menstruate green? 

•    Do Borg chicks menstruate WD-40? 

•    Do Vulcan chicks menstruate once every seven years? 

•    When we really do get around to creating holodecks, whom do you think future generations are going to be spending more time with, Vic Fontaine (DS9), Moriarty (TNG) or Jenna Jameson?

•    On minute 57:40 of the Trekkies 2 DVD, there’s a chick named Kathleen Copper who has the Enterprise-D tattooed on her back, when in reality she was big enough to have the entire Federation Fleet tattooed there.  Never seen the Enterprise with that many rolls of fat…

•    There’s another chick on the DVD, I believe in Italy, that was dressed as a Klingon and talking about why she loved Star Trek so much.  Thing was, I couldn’t tell if it was in Italian or in Klingon.

Sadly, these Trekkies’ daytime jobs?  Knights at a Medieval Times
restaurant.

•    When the Doctor downloaded himself into Seven of Nine’s ocular implant in the Voyager episode “Body and Soul”, did he get around to any other implants?

•    Wasn’t the biggest plothole of Generations having Guinan in it at all?

•    How come there’s no five-breasted female aliens anywhere in the Star Trek universe?

•    With all of the Trek series that have come and gone the last 17 years, how come there weren’t new episodes of The Animated Series made?

•    Was Frank Gorshin’s running in the Enterprise’s corridors at the end of TOS episode “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield” the most oddly gay thing you’ve ever seen?

•    After she was done with Riker and Worf, did Troi work her way around to LaForge, Data and Picard?

•    Was it me or did Geordi’s visor look like a golden hair barrett? 

•    Could the Klingons get the Spice Channel off his visor when they modified it in Generations?  If so was it in hi-def?

Crosby couldn’t believe she actually volunteered as a prize in the Who
Wants To Screw an Ex-Trek Star game show…

•    Did Kirk re-teach Uhura about sex when she got her mind wiped by Nomad in TOS episode “The Changeling?”

•    It was shocking to me that a couple of the low/no budget fan films on Trekkies 2 were better than the last couple of TNG flicks.

•    If Bob Marley had had a guest spot as a Red Shirt on TOS and gotten iced, would Bones have had to say, “He’s dred, Jim?”

•    Am I the only one who would have liked to see the proposed special edition versions of TOS episodes with the updated F/X?

•    When the Vulcans use their fingers down on their chicks during pon farr, do they do use the “live long and prosper” method?

•    Universal Star Trek truth: unless you’re an actor, it’s impossible to look good in a Trek uniform.  Period.  Give it up.

•    How can Ferengi and Klingons get BJs from their chicks with teeth like that?

•    I take it I’m not the only one to notice that Generations blatantly ripped of a couple of Bird of Prey F/X shots from The Undiscovered Country, particularly the destruction scene?  No?  I thought not.

•    Do Borg chicks get breast implants?

•    Considering what the female crewmembers were wearing on the “Mirror, Mirror” episode of TOS, and what the evil Kira was wearing on the Mirror DS9 episodes, would you have wanted to go back to the regular universe?  I don’t think so.

•    Isn’t it truly pathetic that I know that when Troi said she never
kissed Riker with a beard in Insurrection, I knew that that wasn’t true
because she sucked faced with the other Riker in the TNG episode “Second
Chances?”

•    I’m of the opinion that TNG would have been an even cooler show if
they continued with the war timeline from “Yesterday’s Enterprise.”

•    Don’t you think the fact that Data could remove his head, as
evidenced in TNG episode “Disaster,” would come in pretty handy when he
did it with Tasha in the episode “The Naked Now?”

•    You think the Kirk android from TOS episode, “What Are Little Girls
Made of” trying to hump every friggin’ piece of machinery he could
find?

Ensign: “Captain Sulu!  Sensors indicate we’re on the back of some kind
of amorphously globulous life-form!” 
Captain Sulu: “My Gawd! 
Shields!”

•    You think Kirk tried to do himself when he switched bodies in TOS
“Turnabout Intruder?”

•    After seeing the TOS episode, “Assignment: Earth,” did you ever look at a black cat for hours and just hope…
And finally, these last few inflammatory thoughts:

•    DS9 was better than TNG.

•    Rick Berman and Brannon Braga are not the antichrists. 

•    Voyager didn’t completely suck.

•    Don’t front.  It’s Trekkie, not Trekker.

•    I would have done the Borg Queen.
If you liked Trekkies, slap Trekkies 2 in the player and you’ll get more of the same, only well, more of the same.

7.7 out of 10

The Look:

It’s shot on video.  Good video, but video.

4.0 out of 10

The Noise:

It’s shot on video. 

6.6 out of 10

The Goodies:

Here’s where the dilithium’s located.  A pretty loaded DVD:

•    Commentary by host Denise Crosby, director Roger Nygard and producer Mike Lahey.

•    Two fan films by hardcore Trekkies Brian Dellis, Final Frontier Revisited, and Gabriel Koerner’s Really Bad Star Trek Clip.

•    Two clips of Roger Nygard’s other works, Suckers and Six Days in Roswell.

•    Deleted Scenes.  This is the de facto Trekkies 3.  An hour of clips that didn’t make the movie (plus a few that did, which was weird).  Nevertheless, this is almost like getting two movies for one.

7.0 out of 10

The Artwork:

The Trek baby’s back and this time he has a chick, which is something the majority of Trekkies can’t say.

7.0 out of 10

Overall:  7.5 out of 10