The Throat Collector

Director: John Milius

Cast:
Henry Rollins as Cobra Jackson
Pam Dauber as Jackie Jackson
Lelee Sobieski as Lt. Angel Kindred
Brian Dennehy as Capt. Mitch Kindred
Jan Michael Vincent as Scar Tissue, the Flesh Forgetter
Alec Baldwin as The Collector
cameo appearance by Watto the Toydarian

1964. We see a quaint Midwestern house in Anytown USA. The cries of a young girl are heard. From inside the house we see the mother rush into the room only to find her daughter sitting with her back to her. The mother, frazzled, asks the daughter what’s the matter. The girl turns around in slow motion, clutched in her hands are the neck-less remains of two Barbie dolls. The girl icily utters these four haunting words, “The throats … they’re gone!” The same shot of the house as before, we hear shouted, “SAMMY, NOT AGAIN!”

Present Day, December. We see two police cars screech to a halt outside of a large Precinct. As the officers leap from their cars the scene changes to inside the building, as people are milling about. Some are being questioned by other officers, and some are being fought by each other. One of the officers shouts, “Captain Kindred! I must see Captain Kindred!” As if on cue, a large burly man steps forward, munching on a sandwich. “I’m Captain Mitch Kindred. State your business, officer.” The officer gulps, “Sir, there’s been another collection.” Kindred chuckles as he brushes some crumbs from his gut. “Son, it’s Christmas. There’s always collections. Always been that way, always will be.” The policeman shakes his head, “No sir, you don’t understand. I mean another throat collection!” As he speaks these words, the whole room goes silent and all attention is turned towards them. “Ah, that kind of collection,” says Kindred. “Well why the hell didn’t you say so in the first place, boy? Let’s go!” Discarding his sandwich in favor of a gun, Kindred rushes out with the two policemen, followed by three more officers. The scene moves outside as we see the cars take off in search of the crime scene.

Upon arrival at the scene the Captain steps from the car, only to be faced with 17 vomiting rookie officers. Lone among them, in non sickness, is his daughter who is barking out orders like a drill sergeant. He walks up to her and embraces her. “Well, darling, what’s it like?” “Well, Captain pop,” she answers, “it’s pretty bad. What we’ve got here is a throatless female, about 27.” Mitch nods, “Sounds pretty normal.” “Well, that’s what we thought too, but then we found this.”

She hands him a throat, still bloody. “It’s the throat of a male Greek Orthodox Jew, about 6’2″ 191 lbs. What we’re dealing with here pops, is a throat collector who isn’t very thorough. I’m mean, he’s not as good as the Flesh Forgetter, but then, who is, right?” The captain storms past his daughter onto the crime scene, still clutching the throat, to where the bodies are. He begins shouting orders to the inept and vomit stricken policemen. He takes his cap off of his head, rubbing his balding scalp, muttering to himself. “If I never see another bloody throat, it’ll be too soon.” The scene fades out.

The camera fades back into a dark room, where we see the back of a man as he is perusing his find of throats. This is a particularly bloody scene as we see dozens of throats scattered across a table. In the background, the song ‘I Like Spikes’ is gently playing. The man then sets a throatless body of a male Greek Orthodox Jew onto the table and curses bitterly. Realizing that he took the body and not the throat, he hurls the throatless body out of his window, thirteen stories down, landing onto a vagrant who had been peacefully crossing the street. We hear the throat collector shout as the scene ends.

Nightime. Exterior of a nice looking house. The sounds of Christmas carols can be heard coming from inside. The scene changes to the interior of the house. Many children are sitting around a piano singing as Jackie Jackson is playing songs. Her husband, Cobra Jackson, is walking around the room with milk and cookies for the kids, also singing. Amidst all this joy, the sound of the phone ringing can be heard. Cobra gives the treat tray to a kid and steps into the kitchen to answer it. Mitch Kindred is on the phone, trying to talk Jackson into coming back for one last mission. “C’mon, Cobra. You were the best we ever had. I mean, you were the one who trained my daughter. Without you, she never would have busted Scar Tissue.” “The Flesh Forgetter,” breathed Jackson. “How is Angel these days?” “She’d be doing better if her old partner was working with her again” answered Mitch. “We really need your help. This new case has us all stumped.” Cobra sighs, “Why don’t you tell me about it and I’ll see what I can do.” Mitch Kindred begins to tell him all about the numerous throatless bodies that have been turning up. Cobra is stunned, as he has never quite heard anything like it before. When Kindred is finished, Cobra takes his time before speaking, “That was an amazing story, Mitch. It’s no wonder you’re stumped. I’d love to help bring this freak in. It might take a little time to talk Jackie into letting me go back, but considered me signed on. Where is Angel now?” As Mitch speaks these lines, the scene shifts to the inside of a maximum security prison cell, where we see Angel walking alone down a long, dim hallway: “She has gone to see Scar Tissue. The way she sees it, he might be able to tell her something about the criminal mind of a serial collector!”

She walks up to a cell encased in plastic, it appears to be the inspiration for the fictional film ‘The Silence of the Lambs’. Sitting inside, sowing his 45th pair of pants, is the infamous Scar Tissue, smoking a joint. He looks up and grins at her devilishly, “Hello, Angel. Would you like a fatty?” She shakes her head, “You’re one twisted bastard, Scar Tissue. It’s no wonder Cobra wanted to kill you. I should have let him.” Scar Tissue laughs at her, “You stupid, ignorant girl. He wanted to kill me because I forgot his daughters flesh! HA HA!” She looks away in disgust. “Ugh, you detest me. I don’t know why I came here anyway!” “Ah, but I know why you came here, my darling. You came here seeking knowledge, didn’t you. Of things they wouldn’t teach you of in school? Well, forget you, I say! Yes, forget your flesh I will!” He drops his sowing project and leaps at the bars. Angel lets out a startled shout and steps back. He presses his bare chest against the glass, screaming at her, “Damn you, bitch, the suspense is killing me! What do you want from me?” “Have you heard about the throat collector?” she asks. “The throat collector, you say? Why, yes, he was my protégé.” He then points to the wall, where, displayed for all to see, are 17 throats nailed up. “I’m going to need those for evidence.” He puts his shirt back on, “You want me to help you catch this killer? I will and I only ask for one thing in return.” “And what would that be?” she cautiously asks. “That I can be free and kill you and all of your loved ones.” She muses over this. “I can’t do that, but I can promise to get you Chinese food once a month.” He smiles, “Agreed.”

The interior of Captain Kindred’s office as Cobra Jackson is getting his badge and gun reissued. “This is a good day for the police force to have you back, Cobra.” Jackson smiles, “Aw thanks, Mitch. It means a lot to be missed.” As he says this, the door opens and Angel walks in. “I had to see it for myself before I’d believe it. The great Cobra Jackson, back in action.” Cobra smiles, “Yeah, good to see you too, Angel. Only, now you’ve made Lieutenant. Good for you.” As they embrace, Mitch producs a steel neckbrace and hands it to Cobra. “Here, you’ll also need this, standard issue until we bring this nut in.” Jacskon looks the item over before throwing it onto the desk, “You forget, Mitch, that I have a powerful neck.”

Nightime. The Collector is now walking the streets. Every person he passes he stares longingly at their neckstalks, until one looks back. The Collector looks back at the man, who is actually a floating blue beastie. “Do I know you?” the blue beastie asks. The Collector shakes his head, “No. No you don’t” Not to be dettered, the floating beastie answers, “I would bet every that I know you!” “No, but you do now!” The camera zooms in on the Collector as he flashes an evil grin, and we fade to black.

Back at the police station, Mitch, Angel, and Cobra, are all hunched over a table going over maps. They’re trying to see if there is any connection between where the bodies have been found and the layout of the city. As of now, they’ve come up empty. Then, just as they’re about to take a break, several police officers burst into the room, carrying another, who is drenched in blood. “What happened?” asks Mitch. “His throat … it’s been collected!” As the officer says this, the camera pans up to show the hollow cave where the mans throat used to be. Gasps of horror ring throughout the room. Cobra turns to one of the other men, “Who did this? Did anyone see anything?” A young man steps forward, “I saw the collector sir, or a least, someone who could be the Throat Collector.” Mitch grabs the man by the shoulders and spins him around to face him. “Speak up, boy. What did you see?”

The young man takes a deep breath and begins, “I heard what sounded like two men shouting so I went to see what all the commotion was about. As I rounded the corner, I saw a dark haired man club the officer in the head and steal his throat. Then he turned, saw me, and fled, throat in hand.” Cobra put his hand on his chin, “Hmm … could you give a good description of this man if you had to?” The man nodded. Cobra turned and pointed to another older man. “Then go over there to old Harry and he’ll draw you a picture based on your description. Can you do that?” The young man looked confused, “But, sir, wouldn’t it be better to give a desription of the collector’s appearance, rather than of mine?” Cobra reared back his fists, ready to strike the young fellow square in the teeth for being such a smart-ass, when Angel put a cautioning hand on his shoulder and spoke to the young man, “Yes, that’s a good idea. Go over to old Harry and tell him what the collector looks like, and we’ll all be very grateful.” Turning to Jacskon, “Won’t we, Cobra.” Begrudgedly, Cobra quickly nods and follows the young man over to old Harry with his eyes. “Smart-ass kid. You should have let me punch him in the chop house.” Angel shook her head, “We need his description of this throat fool, first. I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it.” Shortly thereafter, old Harry trudges over to the tree and hands them a pencil sketch, and then walks off. Peering at the picture, Mitch smiles, “We have the bastard now! Come on people, let’s go find him!” They all race out into the streets and get into their cars, driving off in search of the Throat Collector. Only now, he isn’t anonymous. Now, he has a face…

As the description of the collector goes out from the dispatcher, all eyes are on the streets looking for a man that fits the bill. A man, six-foot one, 210 pounds with a stocky build and dark brown hair with clean shave is what the sketch artist drew (and keeping in conjunction with police guidelines, he gave the figure bat wings). There was one other rather peculiar thing about the witness description which the artist factored in.

He said the man had no skull.

The image of a fleshy headed vigilante was faxed to law enforcement offices in the city.

In his apartment, the Collector listens to his police scanner and smiles.

They fell for the oldest trick in the book. The “skull-less assassin” trick pioneered by Samurai hundreds of years previous, where they would leave their skulls in the woods as they attacked, thus rendering them unidentifiable and more sleekly aerodynamic.

The collector puts his skull on his nightstand and goes to bed.

Meanwhile…

Cobra gets a fresh start to his morning when Angel appears at his door with three cups of fresh coffee before the sun has even bothered to rise.

“You’re not going to believe this”, the ravishingly beautiful young lady tells him. “He’s attacked again…and we have a survivor”.

Cobra’s eyes perk at this, “How do you know they’re connected? What makes you think it’s him?”

The blue beastie then flies from behind the woman.

“Because of me!”, it shrieks.

Cobra is aghast that such a creature could exist, let alone speak English. “What manner of creature are you?”

“Insignificant! Do you want my story or should I go back and deal with my slaves?”, it utters.

As he recounts his story, we see a look of fear begin to grow on the faces of Cobra and Angel: “So there I was, flying around minding my own business, when this greasy looking fellow started to stare at me! Naturally, I asked him if there was a problem to which he replied yes. Then he smiled at me and grabbed me by the wings, dragging me into a nearby alley! I can tell you that I was rather upset by the entire event!”

The hovering ghoulie then tells them that the perpetrator proceeded to punch the back of his neck repeatedly while politely asking the throat to evacuate. When it wouldn’t cooperate, the man pulled out an antique Japanese sword and surely would have diced the floating traveller had a bum not intervened.

Instead of stealing the two throats, the dangerous man chose to flee.

“This sets a precedent”, Cobra intimated. “This means he’ll leave the scene if something goes wrong”.

“This bodes well for future victims”, Angel agreed.

“Do you have a little blue meanies room?”, said the ghoul “I must drop shits”.

Meanwhile, back at the station, Mitch Kindred is busy mulling over a very disturbing phone call he just received. The door to his office opens and an old officer peeks his head into the room,

“You call for me chief?”

Mitch nods to the man, “Come on in, Pete. Sit down, I’ve got some rather bad news to tell you. You’re wife’s dead.”

As Kindred watches the grief tear apart the old man, he hesitantly continues, “Sid called just now. He was on patrol over by your house when he found the body. Uh, the thing is, Pete, her throat was missing. She’s the latest victim of our collector friend. I’m sorry to have to break it to you like this.”

The blue terror sent home, Angel and Cobra sit in his car.

“I never stopped caring about you, Cobra”, the beautiful young woman almost whispers.

Their time spent together not too distant a memory for him as well, Cobra Jackson took a long time before speaking. “Me neither, in fact being alone with you in that house was too much. I nearly reverted back to my old habit of pleasuring myself into the vase in the dining room”.

They edge closer, nearing a kiss, when the police radio shrieks to life.

“Patty McGillis has been murdered”, the crackling, solemn voice uttered, “All available units report to the station for instructions on what to do. All off duty units, prepare to battle.”

As Cobra and Angel race to the McGillis residence, they are welcomed with the sight of thriy-two police cars parked in the street. Cobra parks the car next to the orphanage across from the house, and he and Angel trudge across the lawn and enter the house. A buzz of actvity, it takes them a few seconds to locate Mitch and Pete, the grieving old man.

“Good to see you two finally made it,” Mitch demands.

Cobra answers as Angel goes over to Pete, who is balling into a pillow, “Sorry, Mitch. Any new leads yet?”

“Not a goddamned one, and we need results!”, the older man retorted. “Cobra, this is too….”.

The captain falls over, dead.

“What the hell!”, Cobra screams, and turns over the older man who had fallen face down to see his mentor and friends’ lifeless body. Angels runs over, tears streaming. A gasp escapes her mouth as she sees the big shock.

His throat is gone.

A child plays outside the orphanage and looks up to see a bloody husk float past him in midair. He sits down, trying to figure out what just happened. As if a realization has dawned on him. He crushes the crack pipe he had been planning to smoke later.

Meanwhile, in the attic of the orphanage a figure shrouded in darkness opens the door to let the bloody husk float into his hands. The Throat Collector puts his latest invention, the remote controlled “throat collector jr.” down and laughs maniacally as the throat pulses in his hand.

To be continued?

As I sat at the restaurant waiting for my client to meet me for the lunch appointment where we would discuss ways to design a web page geared towards grabbing the attention of the young people and entertain them while informing them about things that could jeopardize their futures, I thought back to when I was a kid.

There weren’t such clear-cut channels to get this information. Libraries, parental advice, and the occaisional public service announcement. More often than not, the response young people make to things that aren’t fun is to defy them. An uphill battle…

I was about 5 when I saw Star Wars for the first time. Return of the Jedi came out in 1983, six years later. I cannot remember a thing in between. A birthday here, the loss of a loved one there, but the years in between were a flash. Just about everything I can remember relates to the films. Waiting for the next film, playing with the toys, reading the comics, waiting for the tv specials.

As a result, in addition to my family, my mentors and friends included Luke Skywalker, Ben Kenobi, Han Solo, and the rest of the gang. Their struggle was mine, and mine theirs.

Next thing I knew, I was a teenager, and out in the world. It’s a very open world at that point. Everything comes your way. Every potential good thing, as well as the bad. Without a sense of values, many good people get lost (to the dark side?). They succumb to habits, vices, and behaviors that ultimately leave them in a very bad place. I had values, and I can trace a few of them towards that universe I so fondly merged with in 1977.

The strength of the individual.

The importance of seeing through crisis to get to the right resolution.

Working well with others. Knowing it is much easier to destroy than create.

The many themes explored in the films are nothing new. They’ve been done before a thousand times. What made it special was that these films served as a conduit into me (and millions of others), they made a difference. Each generation needs something like this, and it can take many forms. This trailer (you knew I’d get to it eventually) is the first glimpse of what may be this generation’s conduit. I hope so, because there hasn’t been much progress yet.

After a decade and a half, Star Wars is back. For some, like myself, it’ll be a return to a world very much a part of ourselves. For some, like Obi-Wan once said, “It’ll be your first step into a larger world”. Either way, whereas every summer in the Memorial Day slot there is the latest “Event” film, this coming year there will be an event that transcends film. Regardless of the merchandising (it’ll be everywhere) and the hype, this film is most importantly the return of some very good friends who’ve been gone too long, as well as some new friends we’re dying to meet.

The trailer is two minutes and twenty seconds. After seeing it for the 10th time, I can only say I’m awestruck. It’s way too short, and there isn’t much exposition, but you can feel the magic from the very first shot of the people riding these strange beasts out of the swamp. The chills in my spine were only the beginning.

Everyone will see the trailer soon, and come to their own conclusions, but the barrage of imagery: The sight of the Queen (Natalie Portman) in her Kabuki- esque facepaint, Qui-Gon (Liam Neeson) with his young friends Obi-Wan (Ewan McGregor) and Anakin (Jake Lloyd). The ultra-sleek metallic starship. The translucent space dragon. The evil Darth Maul with his double bladed lightsaber, and so on and so on are SO AMAZING.

There are some iffy things: Yoda looks kinda corny. Some of the CGI creatures look CGI. We never here Anakin speak, and you never know with child actors. They are minor complaints, as this trailer is the bees knees.

Here’s Lucasfilm’s comments on the trailer: “The trailer for Episode I runs over two full minutes, filled with a full spectrum of images from George Lucas’ newest movie. “The trailer works together conceptually with the advance one-sheet and theatrical banner,” commented Jim Ward, Lucasfilm Director of Marketing. “They are all united in how they speak about the film. We wanted to convey that Episode I is the beginning of the Star Wars saga. At heart it’s the story of Anakin Skywalker, a young boy who must begin to face the destiny ahead of him. And without ruining the surprise of the film, we wanted the images in the trailer to introduce people to the amazing visions in Episode I.”

Director George Lucas was closely involved in the development of the piece, which both reveals and conceals exactly what he wants for audiences at this time. Teams at 20th Century Fox and Lucasfilm worked together to craft a trailer that conveys key aspects of the film and its story within a dazzling array of images. “It may look like this trailer gives away a lot,” says the trailer’s editor Mark Mrnka, “but it’s only scratching the surface.” Ben Burtt prepared special sound tracks mixed by Gary Rydstrom, offering at least one “special touch” for fans who notice subtlety. “We’re excited about it,” Jim Ward admits. “We can’t wait for our fans to see it.”

What a wonderful time it is.

Reviewed by Nick Nunziata on May 6th, 2002

Directed by Jan De Bont

Starring Ashley Judd, Tommy Lee Jones, Patrick Bergin, Sean Patrick Flanery, Metallica

After the success of the first one, and the decline in IQ in America they decided to have another go at Double Jeopardy. This first was rather bland and basic but the bottom line needs to be fed, so here it is. Ashley Judd plays a lady who marries again even though her last marriage ended in jail time, murder, stress, mayhem, and athlete’s foot. Patrick Bergin plays her mate, and the audience first becomes suspicious when he goes through the video store erasing copies of SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY which had a lot in common with the first film and starred Bergin in a similar role.

Her husband is an astronaut, and when he burns alive upon re-entry into the Earth’s atmosphere she is convicted for his murder.

Implausible? A bit.

She serves her time, this time learning legal matters from a quadriplegic inmate named Mike (Ellen Degeneres) and realizes that if her husband is alive, she cannot be tried for his murder. She escapes prison and goes cross country looking up people with the same name as her husband (Larry Johnson) and killing them. Soon the bodies pile up and Tommy Lee Jones sleepwalks across the country after her.

An expensive climax happens on top of the Empire State Building with Judd, Larry Johnson number 211, and Tommy Lee Jones all dangling while sharing tense words. Of course I won’t spoil the ending, but I will say that both Ashley Judd, Harry Dean Stanton, and Chow Yun-Fat perish. It isn’t art, but it’s braindead and people seem to like it in favor of GOOD movies. Not unlike the original.

3.9 out of 10

CAST:

Jeff Goldblum, Ed Harris, Robert Forster, Ian McKellan, Kevin Bacon, Josh Brolin, Rip Torn, Alyssa Milano, Robert Carlisle, Steve Martin, Dolph Lundgren, Christopher Lloyd, Judy Davis, Michael J. Fox

CHUD’s played by Tom Berenger, Lorenzo Llamas, Colm Meany, Brian Pollock, Helena Bonham Carter, Mitch Gaylord

CREW:

Written by John Sayles, Frank Darabont, and Nick Nunziata

Directed by David Cronenberg

PREMISE/PLOT:

It is the dawn of the millenium, and NYC is cleaning up. Unfortunately, the Department of Sanitation is disposing harmful chemicals in the already ravaged East River. The toxic waste once again turns homeless people into fearless CHUD.

Naturalists Kevin and Suzanne Hart (Goldblum and Davis) find out about the contamination the hard way when they are brutally attacked by a new strain of underwater CHUD (Berenger) while they are collecting samples from the riverbed. He escapes with his life, while his wife fares worse, ultimately reduced to a single finger.

His pleas to the mayor (Torn) are met with conflict, and the politician unleashes his two hired thugs (Carlisle, Brolin) to silence the widower. They do not succeed, because the naturalist has allies in the police force (Harris and Forster) who defeat the thugs in an exciting chase through Chinatown. Meanwhile, CHUD’s (Meany and Pollock) savagely molest a hot dog vendor (Fox, in a remarkable change of pace).

The team of heroes go into the sewer, along with a former Green Beret (Martin, with stubble) to fight the subterranian horde. They manage to kill a few, but lose half their ranks (whichever two actors get a higher daily paycheck). They also spot a new breed of superhuman gymnastic CHUD (Gaylord) who has the ability to fly, fire rockets from its nipples (Gary Coleman), and throw its voice.

Then, the survivors try to convince the mayor at a fundraiser, but the party is crashed by CHUD’s (Carter, Llamas) who eat the mayor and kill his aides (Lloyd, Milano). The survivors band up with a newspaper deliveryman (McKellan), a priest with a black belt (Lundgren), and a visiting foot surgeon (Bacon) and defeat the CHUD army.

The film ends with a sewer lid being opened from beneath. The aquatic CHUD (Berenger) rises from the sewer, puts on a hat and “mixes in” with the swarming flock of businesspeople.

CAST:

Jim Garrison-Tom Hanks (Vocals by Harry Connick, Jr.)
Bill Broussard-Josh Brolin (vocals by Mike Patton)
JFK-Harvey Kietel (Vocals by Henry Rollins)
Jackie Onassis-Joan Allen (Vocals by Natalie Cole dubbed over her dead father Nat’s, of course)
Lee Harvey Oswald-Dolph Lundgren (Vocals by PATSY Cline)

CREW:

Produced, directed, and choreographed by Oliver Stone

PREMISE/PLOT:

The film starts off with JFK getting shot by 25 snipers hidden in garbage cans, crouched behind pigeons, in a water cooler, from the tailpipe of his car, and from the seat next to him to a big musical number called “Poppin Caps in the Prez”.

While the press goes wild, there’s a bittersweet song by Jackie O. called “Lead Poisoning” which mixes into a song by Jim Garrison and his gang of prosecutors called “Cubacabana”.

As they interrogate various Dallas personnel, there’s a dance number by Jack Ruby’s strippers whom are clad only in bikinis made up of front page of the Washington Post which reads “Kennedy shot 356 times by lone gunman”.

Then Clay Shaw (played by Lionel Ritchie with songs sung by Tommy Lee Jones) enters the film with his cadre of New Orleans “friends” (Howie Long, Brian Bosworth, Randall “Tex” Cobb, Rowdy “Roddy” Piper, and Warwick Davis) to do a Bubsy Berkely-esque dance number called “A Hard Man is Good to Find”. It is at the end of that number that Jim Garrison and his gang bust up the party and start to build there case (to a music video sequence by the arsenal of Herbie Hancock, Vangelis, Jan Hammer, and Harold Faltermeyer).

Then, in a bizarre twist from the actual events, Lee Harvey Oswald’s body is exhumed and it is revealed that he was actually the first human/alien hybrid. Director, writer, producer, choreographer, grip, hair dresser, casting agent, caterer Oliver Stone then finally gets to approach the ONE conspiracy he hasn’t approached: The Alien Menace.

He ties it all to Vietnam to the tune of “Me So Horny, by The 2 Live Crew) and ends the film with documentary footage of the making of a Krystal burger, which will have audiences using the sickness bags Stone plans to disperse to all theaters during the relase of the film.

If we can get a deal worked up before the deadline, we’re going to have Elton John re-record “Candle in the Wind” for each character who dies in the film. Already written: “Bullseye in the Limo”, “Candle in the Grassy Knoll”, and “Candle in the Book Depository Building”.

It’s been four years since Michael and Kimmy were married, and Michael (played by Dolph Lundgren) has been involved in a near fatal car accident while travelling through the deep South covering minor league baseball action.

In a rush of panic, Kimmy (Dolph Lundgren) flies down to be with her dying husband. Upon her arrival, Kimmy (Dolph Lundgren) is met at the airport by Julian (Dolph Lundgren), Michael’s (Dolph Lundgren’s) old college sweetheart and best friend. It appears that Michael (Dolph Lundgren) had awoken from his semi-comatose state to ask his physician (in a cameo played by Dolph Lundgren) to send for his friend. Initially, Kimmy (Dolph Lundgren) is somewhat jealous, and begins to worry (once again) that Michael’s (Dolph Lundgren’s) true feelings are still with Julian ( Dolph Lundgren).

Upon arrival at the hospital the two women are rushed up to the hospital’s trauma ward (Dolph Lundgren) where they hope to find still alive Michael (Dolph Lundgren). Unfortunately for the two, he is beyond hope and in his dying breaths (played by Dolph Lundgren) to the two women he (Dolph Lundgren) asks that they both remain friends for his (Dolph Lundgren’s) sake and love each other. Sensing the women’s distress, the duty priest of the trauma ward, the stoic kind Father Mundy (Dolph Lundgren), consoles the two women and tells them that if they ever loved Michael (Dolph Lundgren) they would abide by his last wish (Dolph Lundgren).

Months pass and in time the two women become lesbian lovers. The two appear happy (played by Dolph Lundgren) at first and come to truly love one another. Despite the protests of many of Kim’s family members (all of which are played by Dolph Lundgren) the two decide, under the guidance of George (Dolph Lundgren), to get married. Yet, problems develop when Kimmy (Dolph Lundgren) decides that her family’s money is too important to risk being cut off from by marring Julian (Dolph Lundgren). Turning to her old friend George (Dolph Lundgren) for help, Julian seems only steps away from complete despair (played by Dolph Lundgren).

In an amazing turn of events, George (Dolph Lundgren) once again pulls through for his old friend and manages to arrange a chance encounter that he is sure will save Julian (Dolph Lundgren) from a life of solitude. In the film’s climactic moments we see Julian (Dolph Lundgren) reunite in sheer happiness with her long lost love, actor Dolph Lundgren (played by Gary Oldman).

CAST:

Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall, Paul Gleason, Emilio Estevez, John Kapelos, Jonathan Lipnicki, Willem Dafoe, Tom Berenger, Omar Epps, Lou Diamond Phillips, Anthony Quinn

CREW:

Written and directed by John Hughes

PREMISE/PLOT

It is many years after that fateful day in detention. Time has erased the bond they shared, but they are reunited at their class’s 15th reunion.

Allison Puntuss (Sheedy) is an avant garde designer of children’s bondage wear whose husband, Hamous (Quinn) abuses her nightly with wet towels and molten lava. Her pain is soon eased by the appearance of single father Andrew Clarke (Estevez). He and his son (Lipnicki) amaze and entertain her with tales of their time spent in a Malaysian prison, and soon they have fallen for each other, resulting in a comical subplot where they elude her abusive husband by hiding 15 miles beneath the Earth’s crust.

Meanwhile, reclusive billionaire Brian Johnson (Hall) and his army of hired assassins methodically maim the many who made fun of the man during his high school years. Moments before killing former janitor (Kapelos) Carl, Brian delivers a Shakespearian monologue about the life cycle of mealworms. He punctuates this powerful performance by stabbing the former custodian in the windpipe with a Tusken Raider action figure.

John Bender (Nelson) and Claire Standish (Ringwald) are tucked away in a corner getting drunk on Peppermint Shnapps, when they are attacked by several slabs of raw meat. In a thrilling action sequence, they defeat the tenderloins by changing the sell date on their wrappings, and thus rendering them unfresh. Soon after, actors Tom Berenger and Willem Dafoe (Tom Berenger and Willem Dafoe) come over from next door (The Platoon reunion party) looking for the meat.

Richard Vernon (Gleason) is still a hard ass, but his disdain for the new principal (Epps) escalates to a fistfight. It is here that we discover that Vernon is a poor fighter, leading Bender to go into denial for not fighting the disciplinarian during detention when provoked. He deals with sadness by channelling the spirit of the Navajo Indian (Phillips).

While lacking the melting pot fun of the original, the sequel adds a soundtrack of 80’s remixes and intercuts the film with scenes of hardcore sex. The film ends with the characters walking towards the camera and they freeze while the credits roll. It is revealed over the course of the credits that they were actually frozen by alien invaders, who take the group into deep space to be harvested.

The credits end with the tagline: COMING SOON…The Breakfast Club 3-This Time it’s Personal

Destination Films in conjunction with Troma Films presents
A Joel Schumacher Production
A Jan DeBont Film

LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS DINA MEYER and
DOLPH LUNDGREN

in

BATS! 2: They Feed, You Bleed

Release date: June 15, 2001.
Estimated box-office gross: $3.50 and a six pack of Pepsi.
Co-starring: Dan Hedaya, Denise Richards, and Regis Philbin.

After the Bats! theme song, performed by The Backstreet Boys, has ended, the movie opens up on a white cruise ship hurtling across the sea like a demon possessed headless chicken. As the camera flops down onto the shuffle puck deck of the ship, we see two men engaged in a battle to the death. The astounding camera work which is evident in every DeBont magnum opus lives on here as the fist fight continues and we see who it is that is scrapping on the ship. Lou Diamond and Regis are brutally beating each other into past recreations of themselves as Dina Myer is frantically trying to diffuse the bomb that is attached to the side of the boat when, suddenly, the shuffle puck deck comes alive! In a magnificently realized CGI sequence, the deck actually starts fighting alongside Phillips, helping him in the cause to vanquish Philbin! However, Regis is no slouch, and continues to fight well despite the odds.

Sensing that the longer the fight contuse the stronger Philbin gets, Lou and the deck decide to employ their complex finishing move in hopes that Regis falls for it. As Phillips keeps Philbin busy with a punch to the shoulder, the deck stealthily sneaks behind the Reigs’ back and gets down on all fours. Seizing the moment, Lou Diamond shoves Regis, who topples over the crouched deck, and falls headfirst into the troubled sea! With the battle won, Lou and the deck turn their attention to Dina, who is still leaning over the boat trying desperately to turn the bomb off. She is holding two wires in her hands – one red, one green – and she is about to pull the red one when the deck dashes up beside her, leans over the boat, brushes her hands away from the wire and yanks the green wire from the bomb, which then stops ticking! With victory achieved and the boat slowed down, the deck drops Lou and Dina off on a remote Caribbean island which houses a Navy SEAL training base. Waving good-bye to the deck, Lou and Dina set out to enjoy their interrupted honeymoon on this island getaway.

The scene then shifts to an office on the Naval base where, inside, Dan Hedeya, who plays an Admiral, is busy briefing an unknown lackey. In this magnificent scene, DeBont brilliantly diffuses any hope of suspense by having Hedeya reveal himself to be the villain of the piece. It seems that the Admiral has kidnapped a young scientist and is forcing her to do horrible experiments on jungle creatures in hope of finding a cure for rape!

As Hedeya explains his intentions of using this cure for world domination, another officer bursts into the room, clothes shredded and bloodstained. He reports that something mean has happened over at the laboratory and that some creatures have escaped into the jungle. A look of dread comes over Hedeya’s face and he orders an immediate evacuation of the base. He then turns to the unknown lackey, who was with him before the interruption, and tells him to go find Mitch Anders-Pete, their best hunter. As he explains it, Anders-Pete is the only thing that can save them now!

As night falls on the jungle, we see a small campfire and two bodies entwined around it in the clutches of love. Again, in another excellently directed sequence, DeBont somehow manages to remove all eroticism from the scene, making it more like a wrestling match, and less like a love scene. Amazing how he’s able to do that! As Lou and Dina exchange headbutts, something large flies across the fire, scattering some logs and causing the couple to stop and listen. Silence. Lou shrugs and says he wants to get back down to business, but Dina grabs a shirt and puts it on, mumbling something about having a bad feeling. She walks over to a scattered log, picks it up, and sniffs it. Lou asks her what’s wrong but all she does is peer into the darkness surrounding them. Then, as she turns around and begins to tell Phillips that she knows what the problem is, a swarm of two giant bats fly out of the jungle and begin attacking them! Lou grabs his revolver and fires at one of the bats, hitting it in the wing. In a touching scene the other bat, seeing his comrade fall, stops ravaging Dina and flies over to his friend. They exchange squeaks and the hurt bat nods, then the other bat bites his head off and spits it into the fire! Dina gasps as the unhurt bat flies off in the direction of the darkness.

What follows is a wonderful barrage of imagery which shows both DeBont’s sensitive eye towards character development, and the autopsy of the headless bat! Following this gruesome scene, Myer reveals that the dead bat had been genetically altered to be a homing pigeon and when that had failed, it had turned towards a life of crime. Phillips applauds her brilliant deduction powers and asks who could have tampered with the bats DNA. Meyers says that she doesn’t know, but that the Naval base nearby should hold the answers. Lou agrees, and they make plans to leave for the base in the morning.

As morning rolls around, Lou and Dina are already on the move, and as they walk through the jungle they keep passing the bodies of dead bats. Then, they get to the base. In a scene that shows DeBont really knows how to photograph widescreen, we see the Naval base as a burned out husk of buildings and smoking airplane skeletons. Bodies, both human and bats, are strewn around the ground. Lou says it looks like the aftermath of a war, to which Dina agrees. Walking through the battlefield, they notice that all of the bats appear to be similar to the genetically altered bat Dina autopsied. Then, Lou notices a sign on a building up ahead that says LABORA-, the rest of the word being eradicated. They move towards it and finding the door locked, Lou shoots it open. Inside the room is dark and smoky, but the image of a woman lying on the floor can be clearly made out. Lou and Dina lift the woman up and carry her outside into the light of day. The woman, according to her nameplate, is Dr. Thora L. Quagmire as played by the renowned thespian, Denise Richards, is now fully conscious. But as she lifts her head to thank her rescuers, a large fruit bat flies down and grabs her by the hair, carrying her into the air. Then, as the bat steadily holds the doctor in mid-air, several other bats take turns pecking away at her. It’s a rather gory scene as Richards is slowly torn apart. First, her ears are taken, and then her eyes. Eventually her arms and legs are stolen by the voracious bats, but before her torso can be gorged, a shot rings out and the large fruit bat holding the remains of Dr. Quagmire falls to the ground, dead!

Dina and Lou turn around to see who it was that fired the shot and they don’t have to wait long. Emerging from the smoke pouring out of a nearby building is Dolph Lundgren, who boldly strides towards them toting a shotgun. He introduces himself as “The Most Excellent Hunter in the World, Mitch Anders-Pete”. He begins to tell the tale of how the evil Admiral had kidnapped Dr. Quagmire from her lab in the West Indies and transported her here to work on genetically engineering jungle creatures. The idea was to have the beasts respond to any orders that were given to them, but a freak accident in the laboratory had caused all the beasties to escape. All, that is, except for the bats! For some unknown reason, the bats had decided to stay and fight their human captors to the death.

Astonished at this incredible story, they ask what ever became of the Admiral, to which Anders-Pete answers that he has the man tied up in his own office. He wants to see the Admiral stand trial for his crimes against the animal kingdom. Before they can carry on their conversation, a horde of bloodthirsty bats attack!

This is the one scene that everyone will remember upon leaving the theater, the one scene that will set this movie apart from all the other creature flicks! A CGI extravaganza of 5,000 bats facing off against Lou, Dina, and Dolph, in a battle scene that makes Braveheart look like a bad dance number in The Secret of Roan Inish. The fight is so brutal that words do not do it justice. Many bats die as the melee ensues, with Dolph accounting for 3,191 kills, and Dina and Lou doing considerable damage themselves. The event finally ends with an enormous bat casualty. However, Lou Diamond loses both legs in the battle but only seems to notice after the fact.

Dolph and Dina drag Lou into the Admirals office and become the witness of another horrible scene. DeBont outdoes himself this time. His direction allows us to see a large bat sitting on Hedeya’s chest, feasting on his face. Instead of shooting the bat, however, Anders-Pete shrugs and tells the others the Admiral was a parasite of shape loving evils everywhere, and was better off destroyed anyway. As Dina and the legless Lou laugh at their new friends’ joke, they ask him how they’re all getting off the island, to which he responds that there is a untouched plane on the other side of the base.

The last shot is brilliantly subtle, and shows Jan DeBonts’ understanding of how to end a movie, while leaving the audience stunned and slightly retarded. As the plane carrying our heroes takes off across the sea, the form of the large Hedeya-feasting bat can be seen following them on their journey home. Then the credits roll and the viewer is released from his demonic shackles, thanks to Mr. DeBont and Mr. Schumacher

3.2 out of 10

Reviewed by Nick Nunziata

Directed by John (2 Days in the Valley, Two of a Kind) Herzfeld

Starring Robert (Ronin, The Godfather, Part Two) Deniro, Edward (She’s the One, Saving Private Ryan) Burns, Kelsey (Down Periscope, Toy Story 2) Grammer, Melina (Rounders, The Long Kiss Goodnight) Kankaredes, Karel (Kanarska spojka, Crackerjack 2) Roden, Oleg (Air Force One, Counter Measures) Taktarov

We already know how manipulative and free of ethics the popular media is, and we’re reminded every week whenever the reality show flavor of the week is in bloom. Since the day Lee Harvey Oswald was shot on live television, the odds have escalated. We’ve seen suicide, the explosion of a space shuttle, the real and fake destruction of athletes and pro wrestlers, and watched a celebrity elude the police and a murder conviction all through the unblinking glass eye of the television.

At its roots, 15 MINUTES is a look at the power of the media and how it can be far more dangerous than most weapons. Of course, with a budget like it has and big name talent there has to be compromises and the result is what I feel is a fairly good mixture of the two.

I read the book for the film a month or so ago (read it here) and was awfully disappointed. This film’s been in flux for a long time and it’s rare that Ed Burns or Robert Deniro attach their names to garbage. Thankfully, the words on paper did little to capture the energy and surprising humor of the film and the result is something that will alternately entertain and inform.

Eddie Flemming (Deniro) is a celebrity. A cop who’s found a way to work the media over as well as a two bit crook. He’s made friends in high places (including with Grammer’s TV personality Robert Hawkins) and he’s the kind of celebrity cop that exists in the same world as Kevin Spacey’s Jack Vincennes from LA CONFIDENTIAL. Good cops, but good cops who love the limelight. Maybe too much.

Edward Burns is the flip side.

A fire marshall, he loathes diverting attention from the work and has no use for cameras and flashbulbs. When two imports from the Soviet region (the KG-used to B place you may have heard of) arrive in the states and kill and torch some old pals, the cop and fire Marshall are thrust into the case together against their wills. As each body piles up, both villains and heroes modify their game to the next level with the media right between them.

Still, it’s buddy movie. You remember those, right?

What makes 15 MINUTES a little more than a clone with an agenda is how it’s presented. First of all, the two villains are brought to life by Roden and Taktarov. They’re not stupid, they’re not driven by revenge, and they fall into their criminal scheme as we watch. So often, a villain exists and is there just to sneer and then die in the last reel. These two are tourists whose plans change drastically as a result of what they encounter upon arrival. Plus, they’re nuanced. Seeming like the offspring of Robert Carlyle and Stellan Skaarsgard, Roden is the mastermind of the duo, and the most prone to violence. Even through his thick accent, he makes for a scary but very interesting villain and his counterpart becomes the “director” of their crimes and provides much needed humor to their grim tasks.

Things get personal and our heroes (along with an admittedly generic group of supporting characters: The grizzled fire chief and police chief, the fat partner who may as well wear a bullseye, and the annoying reporter. There’s also STAR TREK veteran Avery “Overactor from Hell” Brooks providing enough ham to get us through the holidays.

The film moves pretty brisk and while it runs about 10 minutes too long, it’s a good combination of a buddy cop film and a statement on the media. It’s certainly flawed, but there’s twists, good action sequences, and terrific performances from most of the leads that keep it solid and well above the crap we’re used to seeing offered secondhand in the spring slot.

It’s a bit graphic as well, so squeamish folks be wary.

7.9 out of 10

11.21.03
By Devin Faraci

21 Grams, from Amores Perros director Alejandro González Iñárritu, is one of those movies that is easier to admire than actually enjoy.It’s full of amazing performances, but in the end that’s all it really has going for it.

The film centers on three disconnected people who find their lives intertwining because of an accident: Sean Penn is a math professor who needs a new heart, Naomi Watts is a recovering drug addict finding solace in her family, and Benicio Del Toro is an ex-con and alcoholic finding his solace in Jesus. When Del Toro accidentally runs over Watts’ husband and children he shatters her life, while the dead husband’s heart ends up in Penn’s chest. It’s hard to say if giving any more information would constitute spoilers – the film is completely non-linear, with events being shown more or less willy nilly.

It’s the narrative of this film that’s going to divide audiences. Some are going to see it as audacious and brilliant. Some are going to see it as random and self-defeating. I’m in the second camp.

Don’t get me wrong – I was able to follow the story. Sure, the first thirty minutes took some getting used to, but once I realized that scenes were being thrown together in no order for no good reason (ie, there’s no mystery to solve like in Memento), I was able to follow the story. But while the non-linear narrative is supposed to make the movie more involving, I found that it bored me – once I figured out how the movie was going to end, it felt like a long slog to get there.

What made the trip worth taking, though, were the performances. Between this and Mystic River, Sean Penn has sewn up an Oscar nomination this year. All three characters dance on the edge of sympathetic and despicable, but Penn has the hardest job – he’s the most overtly selfish and awful character. But even so, Penn’s charm wins through, and he’s very restrained, making the performance all that much more effective.

Also admirably restrained is Del Toro, whose character was the one I liked the best. His religion is deftly handled – he’s a man filling the void of alcohol with Jesus. Del Toro’s raccoon eyes work perfectly here as he plays a man drowning in his own guilt and self-loathing.

Watts is the winner, though. I have to admit that I had written her off previously, but she is magnificent in 21 Grams. And I’m not just referring to her steamy sex scenes, either. She holds her own – maybe even outshines – her powerhouse costars.

The direction is top notch, too, and the camera work is often gorgeous. The frame is full of stark compositions that reflect the desolate lives of the characters, but man does that get to be a bummer after a while. The whole movie is, to continue my 60s lingo, kind of a drag, with a really fake feeling upbeat bit at the end. It almost feels like the filmmakers knew they had made a completely depressing movie and felt the need to tack on a coda that would imply hope. This is one of those movies where the story comes to an honest conclusion but film carries on, forcing another few scenes (which just happen to be sprinkled throughout the film). As a result the ending doesn’t work, and you leave the theater both feeling depressed and maybe a touch cheated.

It’s a shame that a movie that has so many talented people doing such great work never feels like it really comes together properly. If you’re a student of acting, 21 Grams is a must see. Everyone else can enjoy the clips on next year’s awards shows.

6.8 out of 10