DATE: 06/30/2008 05:05:32 / MOOD: other
I've decided to conquer Canada. Yes, I realize this particular idea might be a bit overdone, but I don't see anybody else actually conquering Canada. Obviously, those people fail at world domination.
I won't bore any of you with specifics of how I'm going to subjugate the Canucks, mainly because it's not like it's going to be hard. Also, I wouldn't want one of the half a dozen internet-wielding, smart Canadians to notice my plans laid out in specific detail and alert the UN or something.
Seriously, dealing with a UN security investigation is a pain in the ass. Trust me.
One thing I did want to talk about is how I'm going to get filthy stinking rich while conquering Canada. The secret is their nationalized healthcare system. Once again, I'm averse to going into too much detail, but my whole scheme essentially boils down to this: $5 healthcare system.
That's right, instead of free healthcare, I will alter the system to require a mandatory $5 tribute to me before any medical services are rendered. This tribute will be in addition to any other fees that the Canadians might already be paying.
It's that simple. The more of Canada I dominate, the more $5 tributes I'll be collecting. Considering how many of them I'll hospitalize during my campaign, I expect the cashflow to be quite generous.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "What if the Canadians are disinclined to fork over the $5 tribute?" To this I say, "No worries." I mean, I'm not overambitious. I realize that they'll bitch and moan, at first. (What else are Canadians good for? - Amirite?)
I'll just conscript them into forced labor camps. Something constructive like a highway improvement program or maybe an anti-USA wall along the border. That way, they'll have an incentive to pay the $5 tribute, and if they still refuse, hey-o free labor for my pretty wall!
See? It's that simple.
And get this: the slave labor conscription will only be for one year! Even a Canadian can't really complain about that!
What's more is that, if you opt to continue working in the labor camps after your year is up, you'll start to actually receive some decent treatment, plus all sorts of volunteer perks, like college credit or maybe even land.
Who doesn't like free tracts of land?
Downside is that it'll be tracts of land in Northern Canada. Upside, however, is that global warming will be sure to make it useful land in the next generation or so.
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