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Exclusive Interview: Martha Stewart
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By:
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Zachary Walker
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Mood:
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bored
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Date:
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09/13/2008 22:05:00
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Music:
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Massive Attack-Blue Lines
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Many things can be said of Martha Stewart, and successful is one of them despite the legal problems she had a few years back. Whatever endeavor she applies herself, she becomes a sensation. Whether it be a daytime talkshow host, a homemaking advocate, or a stocktrader; Stewart expands her particular brand of personality. She even gives the term "ex-con" a warm grace that would ellude most people.
Recently, Stewart launched the most ambitious merchandising campaign for Macy's department store: Stewart has designed more than 2,000 homemaking products for the store that includes bedding, bath, cookware, and dinnerware.
But her most interesting endeavor? Stewart has taken a keen interest in the Large Hadron Collider, the largest atom smasher known to man. What's Stewart's interest in this science? Critics are getting their knives out ready to say that Stewart has bitten off more than she can chew. What's Stewart's plans with the Large Hadron Collider? Stewart doesn't have a background in science, or anything of that nature. Stewart achieved the status of third most powerful woman(according to Ladies Home Journal) by displaying exceptional cooking skills, and a vast knowledge of feng sui. Not though quantum physics.
So, I decided to interview Stewart on my CHUD blog, and get to the bottom of this mystery. Posing as a Time Magazine reporter promising a cover story to her publicist, I was granted full access to give a candid interview to Martha Stewart at her expansive estate in Mount St. Desert, Maine.
What ensued was a total nightmare...and illuminates as to why New York City is completely annihilated.
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I knew something wasn't right when Stewart answered the door for me. Her wardobe was classy. Wearing a purple breasted suit with a black turtleneck underneath; Stewart's taste in clothing was nothing but businesswoman elegance. However, her face...it was too plastic. Her smile was cheery to a point of being grotesque. Stewart's short, blonde hair was slicked back and way too shiny. But, I didn't let this phase me. What did phase me was her undisguised disapproval of my disfigured right hand that was healing from my last unfortuante interview.
Martha Stewart: I'm sorry, but I can't start this interview without asking what happened to your hand. Why is it so...repulsive?
Zach: My last interviewiee chopped it off with a light saber. Then tried to heal my stump with his godly powers. It didn't regenerate correctly.
MS: Is this Jesus we are talking about?
Zach: Yes.
MS: I knew he was overrated. Well, I can't talk to you with that thing at the end of your wrist. Let me help you out.
[Stewart gets some needle and thread out of her suit pocket and lightening fast precision, knits a red mitten]
MS: Here you go. Now I won't be so disgusted. I hope this doesn't come across as rude...
Zach: Oh no, this was very kind of you Ms. Stew-
MS: Please, its Martha.
Zach: Thank you, Martha.
MS: [laughs and pats my shoulder]
Zach: So, Martha, Ladies Home Journal has placed you as the third most powerful woman. What is the secret of your success?
MS: Mjolnir.
Zach: Mjolnir? Thats the hammer of Thor, right?
MS: [laughing]Yes! In Norse mythology, it is the hammer of Thor, but in my case it's my razorcock dildo.
Zach: Wait...
MS: I have a razorcock dildo that I call Mjolnir. Its the source of my power.
Zach: You're comfortable admitting you possess a razorcock dildo on record? This is Time Magazine I'm writing this for. You comprehend the gravity of this interview, don't you Martha?
MS: You're bull???ting.
Zach:[Flopsweating, and voice raises an octave.]Excuse me?
MS: Cut the bull???. I know this is for some Kindgarden CHUD blog bull???. I've done my research on you, you're nobody. This is why no one's going to notice your demise after I'm finished with you.
[Martha Stewart then takes out a hankerchief from her breast pocket, then soaks it with some ether she gets from her other pocket. Martha then lunges at me with a fierce quickness. It all goes black after that.]
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After Martha Stewart attacked and drugged me, I later awoke in a dank dungeon. I'm chained up to a brick wall, and I notice a cacophony of screams and cries. Each scream and cry a beg for their life. I don't know where I am, but the harsh atomopshere is making feel instantly uneasy. After I shake the effects of the ether, I notice that other people are chained to the walls. There are four people across from me: Three men and one woman. Two of the men are heavily overweight, and aren't screaming at all. In fact, they're smiling. I guess they paid for this. The other man is hard to describe except that he appears to be rail thin. Bloody and blunt.
I recognize the woman after the effects of the ether fully wear off: its Rachel Ray. I was never a fan of her, but seeing her like this is heartbreaking. I don't acknowledge her identity, but I ask what the ??? is going on.
Rachel Ray: That bitch...she's crazy. All of us celebrity homemakers...we had a secret meeting that was held by Martha to discuss a grand plan that she schemed. She made us all swear to secrecy. I can't tell you what it is, because I can't make sense of it. All I can tell you is that we were all comissioned to make the world's biggest cupcake. Sounds innocent, right? Well, this ???ing huge cupcake has something to do with that Atom Smasher device she has....
Zach: The Large Hadron Collider?
RR: Yes, and she made us all watch poor Paula Deen get obliterated by it...I still can't get the stench of her burning fat out of my nose...
Rachel Ray was interrupted by a loud, gutteral barking followed by a command of "Heel Bubastas".
[I turn my head to the side where a figure is decesending a stairwell. Its Martha Stewart with a weird tiger looking pitbull, which I assume is named Bubastas. Stewart's wardobe is radically different: she's wearing a black latex bondage corset with her breasts hanging out. She has Swastika nipple clamps attached, and I can believe this is getting more and more...???, I don't know how much lower this can get.]
[Well, it gets lower when my head looks down at her crotch. A sharp, phallic apperatus is hanging down. Oh yeah, the apperatus appears to be a blade. I can only assume that this is Mjolnir. Well, if she hadn't told me this I would have ascertained this by reading "Mjolnir" engraved on the side of the razor dildo.]
[Martha Stewart then unshackles Rachel Ray, and puts her down on all fours. Bubastas tries to lunge at Rachel Ray, but Martha Stewart stops this by yanking on Bubastas' chain leash. Martha tells Bubastas to be patient, and that dinner will be coming shortly.]
Martha Stewart: Zach, let me tell you about another project I have thats going to astound people: a cannablistic recipe cookbook called The Raw and The Cooked. The cover is going to be bound with human flesh, and will be a comprehensive guide of how to cook the most taboo of all food: human. Right now, with my Mjolnir in hand, I'm going to give you a demonstration of how to prepare such meat.
[Martha Stewart then bounds Rachel Ray's mouth with a ball gag. This doesn't stop Rachel Ray from sequaling out any sounds of pure torture. Which doesn't suppress the grin from Martha Stewart's plasticine face. Martha then lays Rachel Ray spread eagled on the ground, and slaps her ass a few times; devilishly laughing. Rachel Ray cries out some more, but Martha Stewart brings her head back and licks the side of her face.]
Martha Stewart: People have always whispered that I was a lesbian. To tell you the truth, Zach, Martha Stewart is just too much woman for one gender.
[Martha Stewart then flicks a switch on the side of her Mjolnir, and an electrified humming starts. Stewart picks up Rachel Ray's buttocks up from the ground, and thrusts violently inside. As she keeps the razorcock fully inserted, Martha lets go of Rachel Ray's torso to put on a set of spiked brass rings. The screaming from Rachel Ray is something that no person should hear, but its blissfully short as I think she has flat out died after 3 spiked ring donkey punches. This doesn't stop Stewart from her brazen act of sodomy. I can't believe my eyes, but I see strands of intestine just fly out of Ray each time Stewart pulls back. The entrails sizzle against Mjolnir, and the smell is sickening.]
[Martha Stewart then stops raping Rachel Ray's bloody corpse, and grabs strands of her intestine--cooking them on the side of Mjolnir. After they get blackened to her satisfaction, she starts to feed them to Bubastas. And eats some of the entrails herself...]
Zach: Oh god...
Martha Stewart[licking her lips]: You want some?
Zach: God no...please, let me go...I promise not to publish anything. I'll be quiet...I just don't want that razorcock anywhere near my ???chute.
[The two overweight gentlemen laugh like Beavis and Butthead after I have said "???chute"]
Martha Stewart: Oh no, I don't want to do that. I've had my fun like that tonight. I just wanted to give you a show. Are you hard?
[Martha Stewart grabs my flaccid penis, and frowns]
MS: Pity. I was actually looking forward to squeezing some jizz out of this puppy, but I can see now is not the time, huh? Thats okay, I'm still going to let you go.
Zach: Wait, what?!
MS: Yes, I think I've destroyed you already. Do you have any loved ones in New York City?
Zach: Yes...I have some friends that I haven't spoken to in years except on MySpace. Why?
MS: This is where I explain my grand plan to you: in Switerzland right now, I am holding that HUGE cupcake that Rachel Ray told you about. Along with my Large Hadron Collider, which I've toyed with its modifications. The Large Hadron Collider is going to smash the atoms of the gigantic cupcake, and transport them to a satiellite I have orbiting the earth that has a compact LHC attached to it. This LHC is going to teleport the Cupcake down to earth, New York City specifically, but its going to cause a supernova rift that will destroy NYC, with cupcake sealing the fates of everyone living there.
Zach: You can't do that! Thats...ungodly. I don't know how, but I'm going to stop your Swastika Nipple ass!
MS: Spare the heroics, Zach. Its futile....
....I did this 15 minutes before we started our interview.
Zach: I don't believe you.
MS: Suit yourself.
[Martha Stewart then gives me another dose of ether. Everything goes black]
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[I wake up tied to a chair in a huge, sterile office with glass windows. In front of me is a pyramid of television monitors. Martha Stewart has her back to me, and is still in her nazi bondage attire. I see Bubastas sleeping off to the side. Martha then turns around holding a remote control. Smiling at me, and I can feel the anticipation off her ghoulish grin]
MS: You ready to witness history, Zach?
[Before waiting for my answer, Martha Stewart turns around and turns on every flat, plasma television set. Each one on a different channel, but they are all broadcasting the same thing: images showing an obliterated New York City thats obscured with breading and frosting, littered with bodies and decimated buildings. The frosting is painted with copious amounts of blood. I'm guessing this foreign substance is from the teleported gargantuan cupcake, exploded all across NYC. News correspondants are saying that no one believes this to be a terrorist attack, but a botched alien pastry invasion. Each channel, after I decipher the carnage that was bestowed upon NYC, bring reports of something strange: collatoral peace.]
[Click..."The nation of Darfur's problem of genocide as at a standstill after reports of an alien invasion has hit New York"...Click..."Osama bin Laden has come out of hiding to turn himself in..."...Click..."President Bush has ordered all military to pull out of the Middle East to help this sudden domestic tragedy"...Click..."Jews and Arabs are now hugging each other."...Click..."Dr. Phil and Oprah have put aside their differences to start a charity to help the fallen in New York City."...Click]
Martha Stewart: I DID IT!!!!!!
Zach: So all this diabolical planning was for...world peace?
Martha Stewart: Fuck no. I just wanted Dr. Phil and Oprah to quit using me as a go-to person for their squabble.
Zach: [speechless]
MS: I knew this would work. This is my masterstroke. I bet that all that blood makes that frosting creamy.
Zach: You're sick, but...
MS: [Turns her head towards me] I know that hesitation. You want to ???, huh?
Zach: I can't help, but be in awe of such magnamiousity.
MS: Is it the fact that I killed New York, or can you smell my sweet, sweet slophole sweating?
Zach: Its your sweaty slophole. Definitely your sweaty slophole.
[Martha Stewart unloosens my restraints, and does something incredibly stupid on her part: takes off Mjolnir. I feign attraction long enough to distract her, and take off the mitten hiding my limp, malformed hand. I caress her neck with my left hand, and backhand her with my gimpy right one. She's taken off guard long enough for me to grab Mjolnir. I flip on the switch, and feel the electric current coarse through the blade. I then brand her face with the side of the blade that has "Mjolnir" engraved on the side. Her face is steaming, and I see the word branded on her face. The smell of burning flesh of Stewart's face awakens Bubastas, who immediantly salivates. His nose figures out where the point of orgin of that stench, and instinctively lunges towards his mistress. Gnawing her face right off, and thankfully doesn't know I exist. Stewart's screaming is Mozart to my ears right now, but I don't stay long enough to appreciate them. I bolt straight out of Mount St. Desert, Maine as fast as I can; glad that the Karma Police have finally apprehended someone deserving.
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Never despair, not even in the face of armageddon.
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