The Set Up…
I’m not going to act like making it to #100 on a web column is some big deal. It isn’t. But, for THIS SITE… it’s like the parting of the Red Sea without an NRA spokesman in tow. We’ve started so many things only to see them fester or wither that it is sort of a big deal. I was torn on how to change The Steady Leak from here forward, to clean it up and make it something pretty substantial. I also had three ideas on the format it should take.
Version One – Run a Leak installment every day. Rant on Monday. News Attack on Tuesday. Spoof and silliness on Wednesday. Rant on Thursday. Letters on Friday.
Version Two – One giant Leak every week, the day being determined by availability. Tons of rapid fire rants and pieces surrounded by as much of the other fun stuff as I can manage.
Version Three Two rather nice sized Leaks, complete with a spoof poster and a Chewer obituary, the day being determined by availability.
I went with #2 for now. It seemed like the most fun and the kind I could most easily keep up. So, while this particular installment is huger than huge, the column from here forward should be a nice collection of stuff. You’ll notice a lot of new stuff and the return of some old stuff. Hopefully there’s a little something for everyone in this prick bastard of a column.
So, thanks for reading for the past few years and here’s hoping I can get us past #200 in 2005. As always, please keep sending in feeback letters and contributing to the message boards discussion. That stuff really does keep us from getting too lazy. Also, thanks to Rob Glenn for his nice and extensive collection of Steady Leak favorites from last week.
Now, on with the Leak!
A Moment for Will Eisner.
If you need to ask, just scroll past this. If you know the man’s work, take a moment and remember a lifetime, truly a lifetime, of amazing work. Your Spirit lives on, old gent.
No Assault on this Precinct.
A TV station in Atlanta will not partner on any screenings with us. We’re too
vulgar, or rather I am. At some screening a few years ago, I used
profanity in my pre-show speech and upset them so ever since, they’ve
said they’d never partner on a screening with CHUD.com involved. Later
on, I confronted one of their people who said that "he liked the site
and what I did but they just couldn’t risk it". Flash forward a few
years and nothing’s changed. We’re just too foul for the audience of
that station to be associated with. As a result, we were recently taken
off the screening team for Assault on Precinct 13,
even though this site’s readership showcases much more synergy with the
film than that station. Devin tells me the film’s a punch to the heat
anyway, but it bothers me. So much that I cancelled doing an interview
with Laurence Fishburne during his press tour for the film. I wonder
how much longer I’m going to have to keep dealing with this before they
get their act together or ‘m forced to say "piss off" to half of
Atlanta. I’m excited for the film. I loved the trailer and hope that
it’s a case where Devin and I are on different wavelengths, but it’s a
shame when a whole chunk of my readers get the shaft because of petty
PC crap.
The Fact This Exists is Hilarious.
First of all, I think this is a secret tie-in to that Exploited Bloack Teens website. The allegory is so thick you can stir it with a white dick. Either way, this TALKING ICE CREAM SCOOP is funny as either a piece of kitsch or a racist tool of oppression. A white thing that stirs up black things? That accosts the ice cream as it does it? If I created this thing, the little man would say stuff like "Take that, you icy treat!" and "You think you were safe in Ben & Jerry? Wait until you’re in Mike & Belly!". Amazing this thing got a patent and my solar powered RealDoll did not.
What if this Were True?
IMDB’s listing of the most searched and therefore popular stars is always a fun thing to look at when visiting. Fun, but scary. Let’s just pretend that this list represented the elite of Hollywood. The A-List as it were…
Our number one star would be a gravesend.
Morbid curiosity coupled with the "who is this dead gentleman?" school of thinking made Jerry Orbach number one on the Jerry Orbach meter of Jerry Orbachs. His death brought with it multiple clicks so people could gather at his online place of reckoning and discuss the future of Law & Order. Hey, I clicked over when I heard he died, but it was to get an image of the man for the CHUD Man.
Then there’s Jon Heder and the cast of The Phantom of the Opera. The musical makes sense, as every pre-teen and early teen girl worth her surprisingly huge bosum had to see that flick and discuss it as the pinnacle of romance. I should know, a lot of them have emailed me bitching that Devin was wrong in his assessment of the film. Hey, I kind of liked it, but hardly enough to defend it. Jon Heder, well the full court marketing press for the DVD of Napoleon Dynamite is hard to deny.
Eric Aude, well I had to look him up.
I know that IMDB’s meter is just a little proprietary thing, but it scares the soul off me in what it details about the human condition. Especially of mainstream movie fans and their clicking tendencies.
XM Comedy
Addiction, thy name is XM’s Extreme comedy channel. Vintage Pryor. Redd Foxx. Carlin. Tons of great new folks. Hank Rollins. Oh, and a whole bunch of totally shitty comedians too! You know what I’ve noticed about comedy? It’s like the last medium of entertainment I can think of that doesn’t have a sharp racial bias. Comedy is the universal medium, and lesbians, fat men, black people, white people, rednecks, and Hispanic folks all deliver side-splitting material and it’s universally accepted. It’s great to hear our differences brought out with such sharp contrast. Now, if we can pull this magic into sports, film, music, and politics we might be onto something!
Slap Her, She Exists!
I remember when Piper Perabo came into town to promote Slap Her, She’s French. In 2002. The movie then was sent packing.
It’s back! With a coveted early January release slot.
Look, I’m not one for kicking someone when they’re down but come on… it’s almost like a slap to the movie to release it at all if it’s going to come out three years late with no fanfare at all. I’d guess that there was some kind of fine print in the contract that forced it to be released but doesn’t it seem like really bad business to intentionally slap a film in the nuts? Honestly, with the anti-French sentiment that was so strong a year and a half ago, they should have put it out then. It’d at least have a chance at banging a few nickels together.
So, here it is. Piper Perabo’s follow-up to Coyote Ugly. Ouch in the dick, this is ugly.
If CHUD.com Ran the Movies
Bastardization by Nick Nunziata. All apologies to the makers of Are We There Yet?
News Attack #10
There is a building in the Gobi Desert that the sun only shines on once a year. It is positioned between two rock outcroppings in such a way that only during the middle of winter can it even be seen through the rock. It’s quite beautiful in a primordial way. Along the same lines, Toby Keith is offensive to anyone with brains!
He’s
a good American, though. When he visits Arlington Cemetary, the dead rise to salute him. Me, I’m a decent American. I buy whole AND skin milk so my fridge always has red, white, and blue represented. I also don’t fantasize about Uncle Sam while I’m with my wife. Unless by "Uncle Sam" you mean "Samantha Foxx". That said, today I went over to CNN.com to see what was
happening
in my fine world. Here’s a quick rundown…
1. A fire in Pennsylvania left a few families homeless. Unlike here in Atlanta, where fires cause rampant construction wherever they go. Shit, I heard about a guy who got third degree burns but was only upset when the thing left a freshly burncreated condo on his kneecaps.
2. A cockfighting ring was broken up in California! Really! You can all sleep safely now that birds aren’t being forced to kill each other for the profit of greedy men. It’s cruel to the animals and it’s a garish, bloodthirsty affair. Why don’t you enjoy a nice veal dish while you enjoy your safety and freedom from animal hate?
3. The NAACP is looking into a basketball team that may have discriminated against a black female athlete. The coach of the team, the Burning Crosses, has yet to issue a statement.
4. May I ask for a moratorium on remembering people? It seems to be a given to most relatively "higher" organisms that memory will come into effect, so I don’t need news articles talking about people remembering those who passed away. I get it. Still, up they come, these human interest stories. The latest is a two line article saying that Denver residents are remembering one of their own who died in the disaster overseas. Hey shitbishops… instead of caring about the one person who looks like you that died… what about the multiple THOUSANDS of other people of assorted tints that did. Denver, piss on your shoes some more…
5. I am shocked and stunned that an NFL player was involved in a domestic abuse case. I mean, truly stunned. Thankfully, he had to pay a bond of $20,000. That’s be like me paying for the toll to get into the city. I hope he wasn’t inconvinienced too much. I just hope he doesn’t mistake the missus for an opposing quarterback again, because he may just have to drop some of his loose change into the police coffers again. They ought to make the financial fine adjust dependin gon the income of the victim, you know, so they equate crime with more than just a scheduling conflict. The proceeds over the $20,000, that should go directly into an aspect of the budget that doesn’t wind up in pockets but rather something productive. Oh, sorry… there was no joke there. Here, pretend his wife was Yoko Ono
6. A guy in Boston is robbing places with a syringe, claiming he has A.I.D.S. and will inject anyone in his path with the tainted blood. I think authorities should go to all therapists who recommend their dying patients make lemonade out of lemons but that’s neither here nor there. I like this. If there has to be a violent crime, a syringe is a decent idea. Not many innocent bystanders get killed, medicine is handling the disease a lot better than it used to, and it forces the villain to get close and personal. I’d go as far as to ask for all armies to adopt a syringe based artillery system. Of course, the Japanese army would rule planet Earth, provided they resurrect their Ninja infantry… but hey, free Nintendo for everyone!
Alone in the Theater
Uwe Boll gets a lot of flak and he deserves every bit of it. From his current track record, he’s pretty much the worst filmmaker in the theatrical release market.
With all that said, I like the new trailer for his Alone in the Dark. Yes, it isn’t populated with anyone in ejaculating distance of the A-List and yes, it has no reason to exist.
But the film looks like totally cheap, totally derivative crap. Fun, in a "I can’t believe how hard they’re trying" sort of way. But, it has monsters and money shots so I’ll give it a look see. There is no reason to want to see this film and Boll has done nothing (if you’ve seen his grammar you’ll agree) to earn any leeway.
But, I’ll watch this film as soon as I can. Monsters are great, really great. Maybe Boll did the shitstorm House of the Dead simply to get the clout to make real monster movies. Maybe he IS a fan at heart.
Or he’s shit and I’ll hate him even more intensely once this film comes out.
Snake Success
You want to make fun of Anacondas: The Quest for Peace? Do it. Have at it. Do your very worst.
At the end of the day, the snakes will be laughing at you.
The DVD sales have been incredible for this movie. The marketing has been outstanding. This thing is a money machine, at least a money machine with deadly constricting power.
While there’s no accounting for taste, the joke is certainly on us.
Big, scaly South American cock is what the people want. The sad thing is this: how much do you want to bet that Anacondas 3: Shitting Pinky Mice is currently being pounded out by a team of monkeys and/or movie webmasters?
Mailbagsukidoji:
This
is the letters portion of our show. This is where you send in your warm
and loving regards, your scatching and accusatory venom, your puzzled
wonderings, your bullet point issues, or whatever the heck else floats
your barely seaworthy boat.
The
only things you can be assured of is that I read every feedback letter
and try my damndest to balance the ones that make it to this column.
Your grammar and usage of punctuation may be commented on, but that’s
part of the fun isn’t it?
Meg.
Gregory writes:
As the producer of MEG, and head of the brilliant CHUD.com, I assume you are no stranger to how a movie project should commence. Since I read the novel when it first came out, the idea of a movie has been most tantalizing. But of course you know its history. I trust you and Alten to bring at least profesionalism to the project. Yippie!
Let me voice one concern: You should be thinking now about the score for the film. For God’s sake, it’s a giant shark movie; the potential for a powerhouse score is certainly there. If the composer is not well-chosen or given too little time to make anything but an awesome soundtrack, I shall hold you responsible.
Anyway, good luck with it. Turning Alten’s entertaining but overblown novel to the screen is not a task I envy!
Nick’s Reply: Honestly, the score is the farthest thing from my mind. I’d assume that’s Jan’s idea to cook up. Right now, I want the deal to be finalized or it’s all hot air. I do have some pretty spiffy ideas, but for right now I’m just going to keep my pants shut about it.
Sawfan.biz.
Bill writes:
Did you even see the movie? I’ve been a fan of the genre for over thirty years and seen a boatload of shit movies but I found Saw engaging and entertaining. Myself, that is a more than a few others. Shove that up your ass.
Nick’s Reply: You’d think thirty years would have been ample time to know a pile of shit when it unfolded at 24 fps. Here’s hoping you live another thirty when the realization sinks in.
DVD List.
JWSEsq writes:
I know I have sent you more than enough yelling emails this year (more to Devin, because Im such a big fan). However, let the last one of this year be a complimentary one. That’s a top notch end of the year DVD column. All of those discs would make anyone’s collection that much better. Good going on summing up the year in DVDs and picking some DVDs some folks might have no idea even came out this year.
Happy New Year, and excuse me as I get that THX disc right about now.
Nick’s Reply: Um, thanks. I busted my ass on that article.
Shin City.
Dave writes:
watching a smalltown used car salesman commercial…or one of those fanboy
superhero movies.
What’s missing for me is the DRAMA of the shots.
Where’s the intelligent use of lighting? Roderiquez seems to think that black
and white means hitting the DeSaturate Filter in After Effects. I want to see
sweeping shadows, wonderfully placed keylights and dramatic camera angles, not
glow in the dark, 25 cent bubblegum jewlery, cheaply composited rain effects and
shot after shot after shot after shot of the current list of People’s most
recognizeable but ultimately forgettable people in the acting industry (Bruce
Willis aside…that man is, in my view, a misunderstood and misplaced god of
acting).
I know of, respect and admire the comic, tho I am
not a fan. I am a fan of movies and always want the best to happen for these
films (though am constantly dissapointed). But I’m not impressed either Nick.
Looks like an amateur trying to mess in the same sandbox as the bigboys. You
know, kinda like Goyer’s premature ejaculation that he called Blade
Trinity.
Best wishes to you and yours at Christmas. Hope
you’re looking forward to Christmas morning with your little one as much as I
am: a 2 week old baby does not make for an interesting ‘First Christmas’. We’re
considering this one our first.
Nick’s Reply: Here’s hoping that Sin City wins us all. My daughter had a badass holiday. Here’s a peek at her cuteness the day after:
Racist Food.
Stephen writes:
Given that I live in Columbia, I’m more than familiar with Maurice (or as I sometimes say Mauracist) and his wonderful BBQ. It really is too bad he can’t keep his politics and his business separate (but equal). I too feel dirty every time I eat there.
Keep up the great work on the site.
Nick’s Reply: Thanks man. If I’m in Columbia again, you may have to buy me something a lot stronger because something went horribly awry in my vacation planning.
Wish Granted.
Bob writes:
Two more to go… Sweet.
Love the Leak. Keep up the good work. Any chance of an Elektra screening in
Greenville?
Nick’s Reply: I bet you liked this article, didn’t you?
Bono Enhancement.
Brad writes:
I enjoyed your "Troy"
review, but I’m curious. What’s "edge enhancement?" I assume it has something to
do with enhancing the edges. Could you provide a more detailed description in
Chud-speak(TM) and maybe even show a funny caption that suffers from edge
enhancement?
Nick’s Reply: Edge engancement is that excessively sharp imaging that sometimes occurs when they go a little too far in their quest to make the image crisp. It’s when you get "jaggies" and stuff. It’s mostly anal videophile crap that the spiffier sites like to speak about but it is a bitch to deal with at times. Edge enhancement is also when fools keep buying US albums even though they suck.
I Wish!
Carl writes:
I really enjoyed that Nick. You are the most consistantly funny writer on the
net. Thanks for that.
Nick’s Reply: I appreciate the compliment. I wish it were true, but I really appreciate it. He was referring to that Leak compilation, by the way… not the email I sent him begging him to make me feel important.
SPAM OF THE DAY!
Joe writes:
Three out of four Norwegians are pleased with Norway’s smokefree workplace
law which began last summer.
A fresh public opinion poll conducted for newspaper Aftenposten showed
76 percent of those questioned supported the law, which requires clean air in
all public places, including bars and restaurants.
The law took effect on June 1, 2004 and the vast majority of those questioned
said they’re still going out as much as they did before the law was imposed.
"This is a nice development, but I’m not surprised," said Health Minister
Ansgar Gabrielsen. "What we’re seeing is just like what happened in other places
with similar laws.
To win smokefree air where YOU live, go to http://www.smokefree.net/alerts.php
Nick’s Reply: I stopped giving a shit about Norwegian workplaces just last week.
Toho. Jerks.
Why is it so bad for people to have pictures of Godzilla in their unauthorized but wholly flattering books about Godzilla and his effect on pop culture? Is it so important to put the kibosh on products that paint a nice picture of your legendary man smashing lizard? Who is going to write a tell-all book about Gojira? NO ONE, though it might be a fun idea. Have comments from other atomic beasts who were fondled in trailers and forced to accept Godzilla’s hot, radioactive load without permission. Toho is legendary in its strictness about such things, so when great books are written by other people (including a Gaijin or two), they are forced to be released in a bland and unsupported way.
Note to Toho: Your shit stinks just like the rest of humanity. Learn to share.
Today’s Photo from Life.
I took this at Barnes and Noble the other day. Island Cats? How’s about Jettissoned Housecats: The Calendar or perhaps Useless Wild Animals of the East? If this is an Island Cat, I’m a Jungle Gary.
The Speed Round, #1
Here’s how it works. Ask me ANYTHING. Do it either through THIS EMAIL LINK or on THIS MESSAGE BOARD THREAD. That’s the complex nature of this section.
Q: 2005 –
more natural disasters unleashed on the earth than disasters released in film
theaters?
A: I hope they all happen in theaters this year.
Q: Spunking,
Nick: volume or distance?
A: I never pay attention. There’s all those other Japanese guys around me doing it at the same time so I get lost in the shuffle.
Q: Can we
lose the cockroach ad? Usually ads are just annoying, but that one prompts a
screen refresh or worse yet, a Chud abandonment.
A: If you leave this site because of an annoying ad, I fear for your porn futures.
Q: Size or
skill?
A: The emotion behind it.
Q:
Mel Gibson in "Mad Max"? Or Kurt Russell in "The Thing"?
A: Mad Max and all his sequels don’t equal one Carpenter Thing.
Q: Any plans
for future screenings in some of the secondary markets (like good ol’
A: Did you sign up for Elektra?
Q: When will
the Nation’s Punched, Porn, and Uncle Mitch links actually link to some more
CHUD for us?
A: Fucking soon I hope.
Q:
Where would you go with your band of survivors during a zombie crisis? The
choices are:
-Home Depot
-Local supermarket
-Porn store
-Gun store
-Church
A: Movie theater. Duh.