Is it so hard to ask for people to abide by a simple set of rules when setting foot in a movie theater. I just don't understand, you go to the movies to see a film, right? Not to talk on your cell phones and text people and whatnot.

I'll give you a little list of things to not do while in a movie theater.

1. No cell phones. Fine, before the movie starts and before the trailers (I'm a big fan of trailers) you can speak all you want. But once the lights dim and something is on the screen, I think Lenny on the other end will understand not speaking to you for 2 hours. If not, then go hang out with him instead.

2. No babies in films that don't allow babies in the first place. Or talkative kids. If I go see Knocked Up in theaters and there's a kid by the age of 5 asking what a vagina is, maybe he/she should be home, watching Caillou and sitting on their hands. Fine, I understand it's hard to get a babysitter... then don't have kids or better yet, spend time with them watching a great film for both, like Ratatouille or Wall-E. Hell, anything Pixar usually is a thumbs up.

3. If you're tired, then don't go to the movies. I don't think I've ever truly fallen asleep during a movie. But today, during my watching of Transformers (I was a few months behind every nerd out there), I was getting all into it when this guy behind me started snoring. Snoring away like he was sawing Paul Bunyon sized logs. I ask him politely to shush up and to wake up. He mutters something. Starts to snore louder and hits into my seat. I get up and tell him to shut the fuck up, because it's been years of this idiocy that just irks me to no end. Long story short. I got him to leave, but at a price. I missed about 5 minutes of the movie I spent 11 bucks on. So if you want to be Rip Van Winkle, do it in your own bed.

4. Bums. I don't mind them. But I've noticed more and more are staying in movie theatres, like the old days of the 70's and 80's on 42nd street. Hell, I don't mind them as long as they don't ask me for money while I'm watching a film. What the hell? I go to a movie to escape reality, not to smell it all around me and dodging the begging as I try to relax. I know I'm not offending any bums, because if they were reading myspace right now, then they truly aren't a bum. Maybe a hobo.

5. When did theaters become a ghetto paradise? I'm not speaking about race or creed, but people of all races and all creeds acting like cro magnon man and whooping it up like they were on an episode of Arsenio Hall. Or just speaking out loud and speaking about the movie. "Did you see that?" "See what?" SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Speak after the movie. If you missed something, sorry, wipe the drool from your face and sip on your soda and try to catch up like the big boys and girls actually trying to enjoy the film.

I hate everybody, really. I'm a very gentle soul but because of these idiots polluting the theaters today, I'm more inclined to wait for the films to come out on DVD and just watch them then. That's why ticket sales have gone down drastically. It's not because of prices (even though it's expensive as all hell) but because of our common man. And woman. And child. And bum. And everyone in between. Just learn some manners people or I'm going to just make my own theater chain one day and not allow any of you fuckers in.

I long for the days that you see on old newsreels where people used to get dressed up to see a film, no matter what it was. It was just a whole different era and respect. Not saying a ton of people are fighting out there to keep theaters legitimate. I go to as many of the theaters here in NYC that still show old films and you tend to get a better crowd of people within those walls.

So everyone, let's get the masses to stop speaking, acting like degenerates and wanting to fight if you tell them to please be quiet during a crucial scene. Any scene, it shouldn't matter. Let's just see films, movies, whatever it is and be quiet. All the talking about how much the movie sucked or was absolutely amazing can wait until the credits roll.