Dispatches from... Under Your Lawnmower
- By Sean Gardner
- Published 06/6/2008
Sean Gardner
Sean dislikes writing bios, so he has left the duties to his brother, Matthew.
Sean appeared from nowhere shortly after the Christmas of 1981. He was gooey, listless and an attention grabber from day one. He once filled bottles of sand, loaded them into a briefcase and dramatically attempted to run away. We found him an hour later on the corner of the street, eating the sand, too lazy to walk another step. I've plotted his murder for years, but he continues to foil them with the aid of his lucky patch of chest hair and cunning sidekicks.
Let's get this out of the way, first and foremost. I was doing my daily browsing of the internets and discovered that as part of the promotional materials for Choke, the adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk's (Mr. Fight Club, and you should know this already, nerds) book of the same name, the studio is giving away anal beads. Yes, anal beads. Let that sink in. I'm not sure where I want to go with this, other than point out that this has to be the coolest press kit inclusion ever.
And while we're discussing questionable promotional material, is The Happening really being sold as M. Night Shyamalan's first rated R film? Because aside from a quick shot of Zooey Deschanel looking bewildered and a line of dialogue from Marky Mark, little else is accomplished from this trailer. Except to get me thinking that the central premise, a mysterious disease makes people kill themselves in startlingly original ways, simply came from Shyamalan's own thought process after the shitshow that was Lady in the Water. If I'd been the person responsible for birthing that abortion of a film into the world, I'd be thinking about flopping under more than a lawn mower. Suffocation from giving a morbidly obese woman cunnilingus, here I come!
This is where I posit my question for you, the dear reader. I know you can come up with a better way to off yourself, so let's hear it. What's your preferred method of mysterious disease induced suicide?
And while we're discussing questionable promotional material, is The Happening really being sold as M. Night Shyamalan's first rated R film? Because aside from a quick shot of Zooey Deschanel looking bewildered and a line of dialogue from Marky Mark, little else is accomplished from this trailer. Except to get me thinking that the central premise, a mysterious disease makes people kill themselves in startlingly original ways, simply came from Shyamalan's own thought process after the shitshow that was Lady in the Water. If I'd been the person responsible for birthing that abortion of a film into the world, I'd be thinking about flopping under more than a lawn mower. Suffocation from giving a morbidly obese woman cunnilingus, here I come!
This is where I posit my question for you, the dear reader. I know you can come up with a better way to off yourself, so let's hear it. What's your preferred method of mysterious disease induced suicide?
