With the season of ghouls in full swing, television stations have begun airing an endless barrage of memorable and unmemorable scary movies that have been collecting dust in their vaults for the past year.  Sometimes you’ll catch a gem, like Poltergeist.  And sometimes you’ll catch a half-polished goat turd like Poltergeist II: The Other Side.  And, God help me, sometimes you’ll catch a flaming piece of shit like Poltergeist III:The One Where Only One Actor From The Original Bothered To Show Up.  Basically, the original is worth your time, part II is worth ten minutes of your time, and part III can lick my nuts.

Do you remember Poltergeist?  Sure you do. It ‘s crazier than a bus full of retards and stars a bunch of people who ended up dying in strange, horrific ways.  Oh yeah, and it also costars that impish ball of energy Zelda Rubenstein (as a spiritual medium), who I believe is a para-midget; meaning she is “not quite” a midget.  As far as I know, the prefix “Para” roughly means “beyond or altered,” but as I just mentioned, I take it to mean “not quite.”  As in, Zelda Rubinstein is a para-midget (that is, she is “not quite” a midget).  I don’t exactly know where the cut-off point of being a midget is and where being a para-midget begins, but I can at least make an educated guess and, so help me, I’m making an educated guess that Zelda Rubinstein is, in fact, a para-midget.  Oddly enough, Zelda’s name in the movie(s) is “Tangina,” which, on paper, looks like it might be a condition that occurs in women who frequent nude beaches.

Anyway, Poltergeist is a memorable movie.  It has a freaky toy clown, a homicidal tree, a guy scarfing down a bad chicken leg and tearing the skin off his face, the guy who played Coach, the aforementioned para-midget, and a static television set that, all these years later, is still more entertaining to watch than The Jay Leno Show.  Oh yeah…and a poltergeist (something that is inexplicably missing from Poltergeist II: The Other Side)!  Yep, strangely enough, Poltergeist II has nothing to do with a poltergeist, which means that the title is a lying son-of-a-bitch.  Honestly, the film should have been titled Creepy Old Guy at the Screen Door and the Future Guy from Coach Puking Out a Slimy Dwarf.  Now, I can understand why this title wasn’t used, mainly due to marketing reasons (the poster would have to be HUGE), but at least there would be some truth to the advertising.

Poltergeist II has, ironically enough, exactly II memorable scenes.  If you’ve made it this far, then you know what two scenes they are.  The first memorable scene involves a creepy old guy who sings “God is in His Holy Temple” as he strolls up to the “Poltergeist” family’s house and demands to be let in.  The creepy old guy is a demon cult leader or some shit and is portrayed by actor Julian Beck.  Mr. Beck was literally at death’s door during the shooting of the film and, unfortunately, this is painfully apparent.  Devoid of cgi and makeup; Mr. Beck’s gaunt, skeletal face proves to be more shiver-inducing than the lame, pedestrian script.  The line he screams at the screen door (“Let me in!”) is one that often makes those “Scariest Movie Moments” montages that plague television specials during this time of year.  You know the scene, right?  Sure you do.

You’ve seen it.  I’ve seen it.  We’ve all seen it.  But can you remember any other part of this flick?

How about the only other memorable scene?  It occurs when Craig T. Nelson’s character downs a bottle of tequila, worm an all.  Then he barfs up a gelatinous phlegm ball that looks like something I once ate at a Korean barbeque.  Eventually, this amorphous blob transforms into a little person with one limb (an arm) who quickly waddles away, flipping and flopping his tiny amputated nubs like small oars.  The actor portraying this green piece of smegma is Noble Craig, who has carved out a semi-fruitful career by playing disfigured creatures in a variety of other horror films.  Now, I don’t know the man, but I am going to go out on a limb here (no pun intended) and classify him as a para-midget too.  That means Poltergeist II: The Other Side has two para-midgets!  The only other time this has occurred in any medium was when Danny DeVito shared the small (no pun intended) screen with his wife Rhea Perlman on the television show Taxi.

On top of these shenanigans, there is also a semi-memorable scene that involves the Freeling’s male child being attacked by his braces.  While braces might be terrifying to kids, I’m more freaked out by overbites, underbites, harelips, grills, snaggle-teeth, veneers, dentures, crowns, mouth-guards, gingivitis, people with big gums and little teeth, people with big teeth and little gums, and, of course, retainers.  So, I find just about every other part of the human mouth (and it’s various apparatuses) more frightening than braces.  Anyway, you know the writers of the film were out of ideas when it came to torturing this fucking kid for the second film.  I mean, after you have a tree and a freaky clown doll attacking the poor bastard, what other types of inanimate objects are left?  Apparently dental appliances were the answer.  It’s a good thing this kid didn’t show up for the third film, otherwise he may have been subjected to a brutal flossing or worse, a painful ass-kicking by a bottle of Listerine.

Anyway, if you encounter Poltergeist II: The Other Side on television in the upcoming days, weeks, months, or years, do yourself a favor and only watch the aforementioned scenes.  Just like a hearty colonic, you’ll feel lighter and more carefree in the end.


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