What follows is an email I received from Electronic Arts this afternoon after playing a little game called Lottso! on the Pogo.com game service, a place I often visit to decompress and play Scrabble and Monopoly (almost as vital as oxygen to me but only played with good friends for strangers are the worst). It would be fine as a great diversion aside from the fact I simply cannot suffer the fools (discussed to an extent here) in the chat bar on each page. It's an example of the very worst bullshit the internet has to offer and I simply cannot let these grown up people [seriously, this has to be housewives, out of work folks, old people, and people abusing their time at work] use the English language the way they do without repercussions.

So I have some fun. Typically I try to coerce them from using emoticons. Then I try to get them to use complete sentences. Then I try to have them engage in normal discussion or not at all.

I fail miserably.

These people are close-minded, low in intellect, and all about circling their wagons against interlopers like me who want to break their stupid little mold.

Today I said "I love you, whore!" in a room. Mind you, the word whore looked like ^$%#^ but I did use that word. One you can hear on any channel on the dial and one that if you screamed it in church would have the congregation staring at Mrs. Kelly, the woman everyone knows takes the neighborhood sperm count to task every week.

The LOL'rs did not like my sentence. The evidence to follow:

Dear  nicknunziata,

Your Electronic Arts Pogo account has been issued a warning for violating the Terms of Service for Electronic Arts Online.

Violation: Use of inappropriate language
Transmit or facilitate distribution of Content that is harmful, abusive, racially or ethnically offensive, vulgar, sexually explicit, defamatory, infringing, invasive of personal privacy or publicity rights, or in a reasonable person's view, objectionable. Hate speech is not tolerated.

Chat Log:
nicknunziata  18:24:30 I love you, whore!


You can read the Terms of Service for Electronic Arts Online by going to the following web address.

http://www.ea.com/global/legal/tos.jsp

If you feel that this warning is unwarranted, or if you wish to dispute the claims of this email, please submit a dispute form by using the following link:  http://support.ea.com/cgi-bin/ea.cfg/php/enduser/terminated_form.php.

The Electronic Arts support team is available at http://support.ea.com should you have any general questions or concerns about the rule or its enforcement in the game, as we feel it is important to understand the rule completely before returning to the game world.

Sincerely,
Customer Support
Electronic Arts, Inc.

EA.com Customer Relations

This happened!

I said "I love you, whore!" and had my PAID membership threatened by Electronic Arts.

Because some cunt in Provo, Utah had her lottery game not interrupted at all by a stranger whose hieroglyphic censored text didn't really offended her at all. These people wield their ability to tattletale like Mjolnir and it makes me wonder if I could turn the tables on these people.

I mean, I'd love to be able to find their real names, locate them, visit them, beat them, and then cut their internet cable off and force them outdoors. In lieu of that I wonder if I too could complain to Big Brother about their sullying of human communication. Of their disability to adapt. Of their overvalue of an online lottery game to the point where they form LEAGUES and keep track of their scores.

These people threaten the Earth and all her charms. These people make the 2012 Doomsday predictions a sweet science I hope comes true. These people are like fat, poorly dressed Al-Qaeda members except they have the power not only to ambush us as we live in peace but also organize PTA meetings.

WWIII will not happen at sea, the sky, or in trenches. It is already being fought in suburbia by ignorant, misguided fools with too much free time on their hands.

Gotta go. Scrabble's calling.