Cardio Jump: The Worst Thing Ever
- By Gabe Powers
- Published 04/10/2009
Gabe Powers
Gabe Powers lives and works in the Twin Cities area of Minnesota. Now unemployed he spends most of his time sitting before the television watching movies, while collecting a diminishing number of insurance checks. He's written for DVDActive.com for about five years now, and racked up over 500 reviews, and was even linked on wikipedia.com. Gabe is also involved in several forms of art and design, and has been known to obsessively re-record the same guitar tracks on his iMac ad nauseam.
One of the more terrifying aspects of joblessness is late night television. These days cable stations have realized there’s enough sad people up in the middle of the night watching crap, so the actual quality of the programming is miles better than it used to be, but the ads remain atrocious. I mean, all ads are pretty atrocious, but the shit they sell after midnight is just vile. It’s mostly aimed at jobless people (for a small fee you can make a bagillion dollars working from home!), special beds (this bed is way better than that bed you heard about last commercial break), or lonely dudes who think their penises are too small (girls totally care, and totally won’t talk to you, and you’ll die alone and flaccid). The small penis ads are especially detrimental to society, but I have a grudging respect for the assholes that put almost zero investment into the chalky blue placebos that they sell for likely millions by pandering to the male psyche’s lowest common denominator. (Do people actually think that a pill can grow a single part of anatomy? Really?)
And I’m not one to judge the virtual ocean of physical fitness machines available by phone, though most of them appear entirely unnecessary to me. Some stuff, like treadmills, weight sets, and stair climbers make sense, even if I’m pretty sure 90% of the people that buy them will used them three times, but most of the time I’m thinking a simple set of old fashion sit-ups would do the same job a whole lot cheaper. Usually I’m content to keep these thoughts to myself, but there’s a new ad that’s simply too stupid for me to ignore. I’m speaking of the ‘Cardio Jump’, a make-believe jump rope for people that are either too uncoordinated or fat to jump a real rope. It’s two sticks with counter weights to exact the feel of a swinging rope. The Cardio Jumper then proceeds to jump up and down like a horse’s ass as if they were jumping over an invisible rope. I know it’s over-used, but this really is why the terrorists hate us.
Learn more about this thing on its official website.
