Fuck this Face III: Fuck Face with a Vengeance
- By Nick Nunziata
- Published 12/31/2008
Nick Nunziata
Nick Nunziata created this place and spends every day trying to figure out if that's a good thing or not. In addition to his intermittent contributions here, he is the producer of a few upcoming films, a myriad of comics, and the co-writer on Steve Alten's upcoming novel Grim Reaper, based on the screenplay by the pair.
Fuck This Face III: Fuck Face with a Vengeance
What better way to end 2008 than with one last "fuck you" to Twilight and its horrible, horrible fan base. Actually, this time the fuck you is on me.
Sort of. But first, this:
The furor over the silly vampire movie has died down until home video brings it back in front of our collective eyes, but I think it's safe to assume that this series doesn't have the legs to remain on the public's consciousness for long enough for Stephanie Meyers' boring vision to run its course theatrically.
I mean, if the Narnia series is facing serious threats, I can't imagine gothic chick-lit holding a candle. Especially since most of the idiots who read these abominations will have reached the age of reason by the time any subsequent adaptation hits screens. I mean, I liked Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing at age eight but by age eleven I had evolved to where I was more interested in Pennywise the Clown than Superfudge and I can't imagine too many Sucklings sticking around with the same blind loyalty down the pike once they realize how to undulate properly and how to balance chewing gum and other assorted mouth tasks.
Twilight is toothless, so it'll get harder and harder to push the buttons of the lame little girls and bored secretaries and grounded tennis moms who somehow made it a sensation as it's replaced by some other flavor of the month. Maybe something that apes some other already ripened subgenre. With wizards, vampires, and werewolves run into the ground maybe it's time for someone to steal from Frank Herbert or Pierre Boulle or Mary Shelley for the next dumbed-down teen sensation.
Bottom line is that there won't be a theatrical Twilight franchise in five years and that has little to do with the 2012 Mayan prophecy, Obama's presidency, or the price of an inner tube at Stone Mountain Park. It has to do with the fumes of originality the product bears and the fact that (aside from a mystifying group of adults) the core audience of the series is going to reach adulthood and realize the error of their ways. Add to that the fact that the people too young for Twilight now will surely have something better to pick from in the next few years (I dunno, perhaps the majority of everything printed from Gutenberg to this morning) and you have what I hope is something close to the truth.
Plus, vampires are so boring and dumb. So are moussed, pale assholes.
Here's where my face gets fucked though, the tragic ending to this trilogy (until Live Free or Fuck This Face) of terrors...
My mother-in-law is a media specialist at an elementary school. She read Twilight... and didn't hate it. So much so that she has given it to her daughter to read. For those bad at math, that means there is a person UNDER MY ROOF reading this book. Sometimes at night I can feel its presence on the nightstand across the way from my resting form. Beckoning not to me, for I am a garlic mirrored wooden stake of awesome and impervious to its wiles, but to the person it is beholden to not by logic but some arcane twist of hate.
My wife has never read a book that featured conflict, preferring the simplicity of Jan Karon or fucking Thomas Kinkaide's religious fiction [because there's such a thing as non-fiction religion... ahem], yet she is reading Twilight.
And she hasn't died from it. Yet.
But if she likes it too much and too vocally she just might.
Today, the latest Lucky Nightsticks song, DISINFORMATION.
What better way to end 2008 than with one last "fuck you" to Twilight and its horrible, horrible fan base. Actually, this time the fuck you is on me.
Sort of. But first, this:
The furor over the silly vampire movie has died down until home video brings it back in front of our collective eyes, but I think it's safe to assume that this series doesn't have the legs to remain on the public's consciousness for long enough for Stephanie Meyers' boring vision to run its course theatrically.
I mean, if the Narnia series is facing serious threats, I can't imagine gothic chick-lit holding a candle. Especially since most of the idiots who read these abominations will have reached the age of reason by the time any subsequent adaptation hits screens. I mean, I liked Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing at age eight but by age eleven I had evolved to where I was more interested in Pennywise the Clown than Superfudge and I can't imagine too many Sucklings sticking around with the same blind loyalty down the pike once they realize how to undulate properly and how to balance chewing gum and other assorted mouth tasks.
Twilight is toothless, so it'll get harder and harder to push the buttons of the lame little girls and bored secretaries and grounded tennis moms who somehow made it a sensation as it's replaced by some other flavor of the month. Maybe something that apes some other already ripened subgenre. With wizards, vampires, and werewolves run into the ground maybe it's time for someone to steal from Frank Herbert or Pierre Boulle or Mary Shelley for the next dumbed-down teen sensation.
Bottom line is that there won't be a theatrical Twilight franchise in five years and that has little to do with the 2012 Mayan prophecy, Obama's presidency, or the price of an inner tube at Stone Mountain Park. It has to do with the fumes of originality the product bears and the fact that (aside from a mystifying group of adults) the core audience of the series is going to reach adulthood and realize the error of their ways. Add to that the fact that the people too young for Twilight now will surely have something better to pick from in the next few years (I dunno, perhaps the majority of everything printed from Gutenberg to this morning) and you have what I hope is something close to the truth.
Plus, vampires are so boring and dumb. So are moussed, pale assholes.
Here's where my face gets fucked though, the tragic ending to this trilogy (until Live Free or Fuck This Face) of terrors...
My mother-in-law is a media specialist at an elementary school. She read Twilight... and didn't hate it. So much so that she has given it to her daughter to read. For those bad at math, that means there is a person UNDER MY ROOF reading this book. Sometimes at night I can feel its presence on the nightstand across the way from my resting form. Beckoning not to me, for I am a garlic mirrored wooden stake of awesome and impervious to its wiles, but to the person it is beholden to not by logic but some arcane twist of hate.
My wife has never read a book that featured conflict, preferring the simplicity of Jan Karon or fucking Thomas Kinkaide's religious fiction [because there's such a thing as non-fiction religion... ahem], yet she is reading Twilight.
And she hasn't died from it. Yet.
But if she likes it too much and too vocally she just might.
Today, the latest Lucky Nightsticks song, DISINFORMATION.
Guitar - John, Drums - Steve, Vocals, Keys - Nick
