A Nice Hard Slap - Fuck This Face II: Fuck This Face Harder
- By Nick Nunziata
- Published 11/2/2008
Nick Nunziata
Nick Nunziata created this place and enjoys having people complain about the ads. In addition to his intermittent contributions here, he is the producer of a few upcoming films and often wonders why he bothers.
A Nice Hard Slap - Fuck This Face II: Fuck This Face Harder.
I have to admit that I'm both alarmed, warmed, and slightly nauseous at the response to my blog about the chiseled and boring face of the kid from Twilight. People seemed to think it was some heavily researched editorial rather than a blog I took five minutes to write. For those who don't know, a blog to me is a stream-of-consciousness missive to be judged on a much different level than an actual article. Blogs are fun but in my case they're mostly trivial little excuses to keep a line of communication with the reader rather than actual articles or editorials. Blogs are to those as parsley is to an entree. Garnish, a little added value but not of the same merit.
But I'm a blog snob, so whatever...
But I have to hand it to the fan base of Twilight, because they take the cake. After doing some research I'm proud to say that even considering the rabid fanbases for multitudes of other properties out there, they are the most rabid and quick to fight of any out there. Which is pretty incredible considering how flimsy and lame and easy their beloved property is. Twilight is by most accounts by people old enough to vote vapid tripe, teen gothic literature for those unwilling to hunt out the decent and time-tried stuff out there. It seems to make Anne Rice's work look like F. Scott Fitzgerald in comparison.
The response from fans has been funny, one-dimensional, and telling.
It's either "You'll never get laid", "You don't know anything about anything", or "You're ugly and only jealous of the glorious Edward Cullen". I must admit, I don't consider myself a prime lothario but rather a man who can get by on three or four sexual encounters with other people a week. Additionally, I don't know much about anything but I can hold my own when discussing somethings, whatevers, widgets, and thingies. Lastly, I am not as superficially attractive as the effete young Robert Pattinson but once you get to know me my charms slip to the surface where they do yeoman's work. With that all in mind, the majority of the people who piped in with comments are not only fans of a silly property but representative of much that is wrong with the state of blue chip franchises and their fans.
With Star Wars thankfully running on fumes, Harry Potter almost spent [and to casual fans like myself, just simply tired], Pirates of the Caribbean probably not deserving of the same pedigree, and The Lord of the Rings several years away from pounding our senses, it's mostly about the comic book stuff and the next wave of artificially sweetened fantasy literature to carry the torch.
Thing is, everything feels processed these days. Built to sell. Lowest common denominator stuff. How does Twilight reach the spotlight when the shelves are packed with very similar droves of weak gothic vampire shit geared towards girls old enough to read but too young to have taste.
Then I saw the trailer. And the MySpace takeover:
Holy crap, this is more dire than I feared.
That a few Twilight blogs (surely no one could actually cobble a content driven WEBSITE, and for those who don't know... this place is a site as opposed to a measly sub-superior blog) linked to my blog, which is not an article but rather a simple little missive, doesn't surprise me. It seems that defending Twilight is thirsty work. I mean, imagine how many literate people there are out there who have read countless books in the vampire genre that are about more than creating drama for the barely menstrual. I'd imagine any of those folks with some free time and web access can wreak havoc on a Twilight fan's dreams, what with their knowledge and savvy!
Let me pigeonhole a little:
You might be a Twilight reader if...
1. You're single, over 30, and tend to shop at Lane Bryant.
2. You're in middle school or high school and trying to figure out what to do with yourself because you hate the cheerleaders but think it's time to stop ironically wearing Hello Kitty stuff.
3. You're a boy and can't find where dad hides his gun and bullets.
4. You're a boy and really want to fuck that goth girl in 3rd period French.
5. You're a junior executive at ICM and need to be on top of shit.
6. You are a molestor and need an icebreaker.
7. Fuck you.
I've pissed off the kids. I also got to Harry Knowles. But the bottom line isn't about the material. In reality, there's a new Twilight every half decade whether it takes the form of the Christopher Paolini's dragon books, the Demonata series, or the Anita Blake books. It's more a matter of priorities. When is too young to start reaching for more? When is it time to be mildly impressed by a property to the point of wanting to find out what's better out there?
When I was younger I was ravenous for material. Once I saw a cool movie I wanted to find out everything by that filmmaker, everything in that genre, and all the stuff that led to its existence. As a young reader I got into Stephen King and read everything I could get my hands on, which filtered to the authors he recommended in Danse Macabre and on down the line.
It seems that with the incredible amount of information at people's fingertips, there isn't that same yearning for BETTER. The people who live and die by this particular series seem to be selling themselves awfully short. To muster the bile to defend it seems ill spent.
Then again to write a series of blogs (Fuck This Face With a Vengeance is forthcoming) is also time ill spent. I just think I've found something here. Something more oddly fanatical than the near sexual frenzies generated by Trekkies, Browncoats, and Star-Assholes or whatever they're calling themselves this year.
Sucklings (what I'm calling Twlight fans until something better happens) are a breed altogether new. Special? Maybe in the same way that olympians are. Regardless, I've only scratched the surface of this phenomenon, though I doubt they'll bring the same amount of vitroil to the comments section of this one.
Click and get sad.
Click and get sad.
- Nick Nunziata wants to be more like Tom Cullen than Edward Cullen.
Before I go, here's the latest thing I'm adding to the blog. Each day I blog I'll have a song, a piece of artwork, a photo, a Mary Worth, or something to further justify your click and to give the trolls a little more ammo. Today, the latest Killing Swarm song, CANCER OF THE EVERYTHING. Drums, John - Guitar - Micah, Bass - Steve, Vocals - Nick:
I have to admit that I'm both alarmed, warmed, and slightly nauseous at the response to my blog about the chiseled and boring face of the kid from Twilight. People seemed to think it was some heavily researched editorial rather than a blog I took five minutes to write. For those who don't know, a blog to me is a stream-of-consciousness missive to be judged on a much different level than an actual article. Blogs are fun but in my case they're mostly trivial little excuses to keep a line of communication with the reader rather than actual articles or editorials. Blogs are to those as parsley is to an entree. Garnish, a little added value but not of the same merit.
But I'm a blog snob, so whatever...
But I have to hand it to the fan base of Twilight, because they take the cake. After doing some research I'm proud to say that even considering the rabid fanbases for multitudes of other properties out there, they are the most rabid and quick to fight of any out there. Which is pretty incredible considering how flimsy and lame and easy their beloved property is. Twilight is by most accounts by people old enough to vote vapid tripe, teen gothic literature for those unwilling to hunt out the decent and time-tried stuff out there. It seems to make Anne Rice's work look like F. Scott Fitzgerald in comparison.
The response from fans has been funny, one-dimensional, and telling.
It's either "You'll never get laid", "You don't know anything about anything", or "You're ugly and only jealous of the glorious Edward Cullen". I must admit, I don't consider myself a prime lothario but rather a man who can get by on three or four sexual encounters with other people a week. Additionally, I don't know much about anything but I can hold my own when discussing somethings, whatevers, widgets, and thingies. Lastly, I am not as superficially attractive as the effete young Robert Pattinson but once you get to know me my charms slip to the surface where they do yeoman's work. With that all in mind, the majority of the people who piped in with comments are not only fans of a silly property but representative of much that is wrong with the state of blue chip franchises and their fans.
With Star Wars thankfully running on fumes, Harry Potter almost spent [and to casual fans like myself, just simply tired], Pirates of the Caribbean probably not deserving of the same pedigree, and The Lord of the Rings several years away from pounding our senses, it's mostly about the comic book stuff and the next wave of artificially sweetened fantasy literature to carry the torch.
Thing is, everything feels processed these days. Built to sell. Lowest common denominator stuff. How does Twilight reach the spotlight when the shelves are packed with very similar droves of weak gothic vampire shit geared towards girls old enough to read but too young to have taste.
Then I saw the trailer. And the MySpace takeover:
Holy crap, this is more dire than I feared.
That a few Twilight blogs (surely no one could actually cobble a content driven WEBSITE, and for those who don't know... this place is a site as opposed to a measly sub-superior blog) linked to my blog, which is not an article but rather a simple little missive, doesn't surprise me. It seems that defending Twilight is thirsty work. I mean, imagine how many literate people there are out there who have read countless books in the vampire genre that are about more than creating drama for the barely menstrual. I'd imagine any of those folks with some free time and web access can wreak havoc on a Twilight fan's dreams, what with their knowledge and savvy!
Let me pigeonhole a little:
You might be a Twilight reader if...
1. You're single, over 30, and tend to shop at Lane Bryant.
2. You're in middle school or high school and trying to figure out what to do with yourself because you hate the cheerleaders but think it's time to stop ironically wearing Hello Kitty stuff.
3. You're a boy and can't find where dad hides his gun and bullets.
4. You're a boy and really want to fuck that goth girl in 3rd period French.
5. You're a junior executive at ICM and need to be on top of shit.
6. You are a molestor and need an icebreaker.
7. Fuck you.
I've pissed off the kids. I also got to Harry Knowles. But the bottom line isn't about the material. In reality, there's a new Twilight every half decade whether it takes the form of the Christopher Paolini's dragon books, the Demonata series, or the Anita Blake books. It's more a matter of priorities. When is too young to start reaching for more? When is it time to be mildly impressed by a property to the point of wanting to find out what's better out there?
When I was younger I was ravenous for material. Once I saw a cool movie I wanted to find out everything by that filmmaker, everything in that genre, and all the stuff that led to its existence. As a young reader I got into Stephen King and read everything I could get my hands on, which filtered to the authors he recommended in Danse Macabre and on down the line.
It seems that with the incredible amount of information at people's fingertips, there isn't that same yearning for BETTER. The people who live and die by this particular series seem to be selling themselves awfully short. To muster the bile to defend it seems ill spent.
Then again to write a series of blogs (Fuck This Face With a Vengeance is forthcoming) is also time ill spent. I just think I've found something here. Something more oddly fanatical than the near sexual frenzies generated by Trekkies, Browncoats, and Star-Assholes or whatever they're calling themselves this year.
Sucklings (what I'm calling Twlight fans until something better happens) are a breed altogether new. Special? Maybe in the same way that olympians are. Regardless, I've only scratched the surface of this phenomenon, though I doubt they'll bring the same amount of vitroil to the comments section of this one.
Click and get sad.
Click and get sad.
- Nick Nunziata wants to be more like Tom Cullen than Edward Cullen.
Before I go, here's the latest thing I'm adding to the blog. Each day I blog I'll have a song, a piece of artwork, a photo, a Mary Worth, or something to further justify your click and to give the trolls a little more ammo. Today, the latest Killing Swarm song, CANCER OF THE EVERYTHING. Drums, John - Guitar - Micah, Bass - Steve, Vocals - Nick:
Spread The Word
Comments
Comment #1 (Posted by Phil)
Holy shit. "Creating drama for the barely menstrual" was my favorite. #6 was my second favorite. And welcome, new readers!
Comment #2 (Posted by BurmaShave)
Nunziata's beard is the pubes of angels.
Comment #3 (Posted by Simon)
Hi man.
So, I haven't read those books, maybe they're good and maybe not. From what I understand you haven't either. You spoke to people who have and didn't like them, but you haven't read them right? See, I wonder how you'd feel if someone shat all over Shaun of the Dead, saying they hadn't seen it but spoke to people who had and said it was crap. Or Knocked Up.
Like I said, maybe the books are shit, I wouldn't know, but at the end of the day you don't know what you're talking about and if I was a fan of something you were trashing without having read it, I'd probably be on the defensive too.
As a side note, both Shaun of the Dead and Knocked Up, were really great, they were just exemples.
Peace.
Comment #4 (Posted by Smith)
More of this.
Comment #5 (Posted by SuperCB)
I wonder how many women are happy that Harry refers to an entire demographic as MILFs without giving a second thought.
Comment #6 (Posted by shut up)
"star-assholes" or whatever it is they're calling themselves this year.
fucking hilarious.
Comment #7 (Posted by Night Driver)
I'm getting tired of the comments that knock Nick for judging the Twilight books without reading them. The more you read, the better taste you develop and the more you understand that there are tiers of quality ranging from classics and masterpieces of literature all the way down to watered-down dime store fiction. I think this is more a commentary on how people are choosing to devour, digest, and defend the fast-food tier of "literature" and pop culture when there are so many other choices out there actually worth of defending. Seriously, once you ascend from the semi-retard tier, you can skim one page of these books and realize that it's "one of those." Doesn't take a genius.
Comment #8 (Posted by Heckle)
OMG...That amazon list is discusting.
Doesnt even include one good vampire book. Any list of which should include Richard Mathesons I Am Legend.
Comment #9 (Posted by masteryoda007)
I would rather watch Lost Boys 2: The Tribe and thats saying something!
Twighlight fans need to lighten the fuck up. The trailer does not look good especially when compared to "Let the Right One In"
Comment #10 (Posted by RonnieHorse)
"It seems that with the incredible amount of information at people's fingertips, there isn't that same yearning for BETTER." - Nick Nunziata, producer, Grizzly Park.
Comment #11 (Posted by devilsfan9)
I agree with Heckle. That list is disgusting. I am depressed that 'Salem's Lot didn't appear, but the true travesty: THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE FUCKING STOKER'S DRACULA ON THE LIST! WHAT IS WITH THAT SHIT!?!
Comment #12 (Posted by Twizels)
Although I agree with the majority of what has been stated in the blog above I just would like to say that not all of the people who read the Twilight series are as insane as the ones to jump all over blogs to defend it. I will admit to being 1) a teenage girl 2) to having read and enjoyed the Twilight saga and 3) adoring Edward, but I refuse to believe that any of those makes me daft or stupid. I have openly admitted to several fans of Twilight that the writing is not top notch or good enough to win a signifigant prize. But is it so wrong of people to want to read something that isn't amazing and let their imaginations fix it. I also agree that the trailer looks like shit, but I'm still going to see the movie, if only to prove to myself that it will be an epic dissapointment to anyone who actually has an active mind. Yes, I enjoyed the books, as many other people have, and yes it is true and in 5 years they will all but be forgotten over the next Paolini, Black, Rowlings, Meyer, King, Roberts, ....simply put, it's just a book. Like it, hate it, whatever might as well leave the people alone. Attacking them, if only for the fun of it, makes you about as shallow as they for being in love with fictional characters. Take into consideration that all of this has come from an girl who's pastimes include reading scientific academic journals on analytical and organic chemistry and studying the works or Poe. Just because Twilight may be trash, doesn't mean that we can't indulge in it from time to time.
Comment #13 (Posted by mister_shhh)
i agreed with you, Nick, up to the point where you suggest sucklings are a breed apart. they're really not. they're a flash in the pan and they'll grow up and/or move on when some other vein of faddish crap steals the scene. i imagine as the show goes along it'll do a lot to temper their enthusiasm and show how thin the material is without their overactive imaginations filling in the blanks.
Comment #14 (Posted by Arethusa)
Simon, are you telling me that after years of being a somewhat serious film buff I have to see "Transformers" before I can dismiss it at as a shallow popcorn flick? You can't be serious.
Comment #15 (Posted by ROB)
The people who say "I'm doing what everyone else is doing, so I must be doing something right!" I feel are wastes of Homo sapien DNA. Yes, everyone has the freedom to read trash, but I just feel like they've dropped the ball. Instead of challenging the status quo or demanding soemthing better, they enthusiastically imitate.
Comment #16 (Posted by Dojo Sam)
To all the Twizels of the world: OK, so everyone can read and defend trash if the want, BUT WHY? The Twilight fans are legion. Twilight doesn't need your help. It's the small, independent, smart, unique films CHUD promotes which needs our help. People accuse CHUD of hyping. SO WHAT? If it wasn't for CHUD, great films would be completely overshadowed by all those wasting their breath defending Twilight.
Comment #17 (Posted by Twizels)
Ok so maybe trash isn't quite the right word for it, because it does have some redeeming qualities. Let me compare it to amateur porn. It's not great but you watch it anyway. And I agree that you should stand up for the smaller independents, but should you disown them once they hit it big? There is an empire of readers devout to Paolini's 'Eragon' trilogy and that started off as a home published book and took 3 years to take off. Now its world wide, so should I burn all of my Paolini books becuase they have enough followers?
Comment #18 (Posted by hahaha)
SEriously, this is a hilarious and revealing piece. You can dish it out but can't take it. You turn around and call twilight fans fat and lonely and crap like that. But then you take it personally that people were making fun of your looks? Seriously, dude, get over it already. You have taken this so personally, and to know a bunch of 16 year old have made you lash out like this is just...precious.
Comment #19 (Posted by nina)
I think this little bitch slap fest is sorta lame personally. What happened is your piece sparked a bunch of guys spouting off about what a "fag" and how "gay" Robert Pattinson is. You used a buch of machismo bullshit bravado to explain how Robert was some cultural touchstone of everything you hated. But all anyone heard was the bullshit bravado---cause it was screaming so loud, no one could hear anything beyond that. And of course people are going to react. So, for you to be alarmed and self righteous now? Please, bitch. Own up to what stirring the pot at least. And about fucking Robert's face harder? Yes please!
Comment #20 (Posted by Lily)
Wow, is this Nick's blog...or is this his personal ad that he uses on eharmony.com? The way he droned on about his looks and personality, I got confused for a minute. I was waiting for him to explain he was Gemini and that he liked long walks on the beach.
Comment #21 (Posted by ender)
In defense of Nick, the only person that I know to have ever read these shit, "Fast Food" fantasy novels was a cunt of a person who had no literary background or taste. This series of film's will fail and fail hard. Summit Entertainment will have a better chance of showing this as the Fox Family Channel Original it clearly is then packing the soulless suckfucks into theaters. Rock on Nick, Rock on.
Oh yes and by the way the actor playing Edward Cullens (Robert Pattinson) looks mildly retarded in the trailer. Very poor choice for a lead indeed.
Comment #22 (Posted by Arjen Rudd)
the Lane Bryant crack was pretty mean.
Comment #23 (Posted by Bopggy)
you forgot to credit me, Bopggy, and the good work i did slating those stupid bitches and confessing my ephebophilia!
Comment #24 (Posted by Rebecca)
M-O-O-N, that spells Nick Nunziata.
Nice. :)
Comment #25 (Posted by an unknown user)
Arjen Rudd: making fun of fat people isn't mean, they did it to themselves. Fuck 'em. Oh, and your fat.
Comment #26 (Posted by WOWNICKISANANGRYLITTLEMAN)
First off, I just want to say HOW MUCH MORE impressive these posts are in comparison to the last blog's posts. Thank you. As for this blog.
Yuck. Why do you go for the lowest common demnominator for a 12 year old boy--LET ALONE A GROWN MAN.....You can't decide if you want have righteous indignation...or stoop to "fat chick"comments about a whole group of fans just because 10 teen girls said you were ugly. Scorched earth much? I would respect your opinions more if they weren't so sadly encased in seventh grade rhetoric where talking about tween pussy around your cock is considered cool. SEriously, how the old are you? 40? I get you are appealing to your "demographic" here, but it's so galling to watch a grown man act like the online equivalent of the old janitor dude who buys the kids alcohol so he can come to the parties too. The need to denigrate women in general for having a dissenting opinion from you, the need to characterize a guy for beign "pretty" as a some "fag" you want to face fuck...god. Go take some yoga lessons. Practice some breathing exercises. If twilight fans and pretty boys are the worst things in your life, you're doing pretty good. STop being such a territorial geek about horror film genres.
Comment #27 (Posted by commenter #25)
I love how all these guys on these posts basically just call a female "fat" whenever they don't like what they say. Great atmosphere you reign over here, Nick. I'm sure all these types guys are a real hit with the ladies of the world.
Comment #28 (Posted by Iambaytor)
It truly is sad that Trekkies/Trekkers/whatever have been unseated as the top tier of rabid nutcases who will defend their series no matter what.
Twilight is poorly written, it's unoriginal, and it's unrealistic even without the vampires. Accept this, it's not a classic, it's not worth being an award, and it's going to be forgotten about in another 5 years.
But it's nice to see that every woman who is ever been referred to with the term "That bitch is fucking psycho" by an ex-boyfriend is apparently...
A) A Twilight Fan
B) Someone who reads this blog
Comment #29 (Posted by LOL)
hahah, nick made a lane bryant joke. That wasn't the punchline though. The punchline is Nick goes to "big and tall" store right next door to the Lane Bryant store. And by "big and tall," I mean "squatty guys who love their beer and pizza."
Comment #30 (Posted by 0157H7)
Sorry for loving beer and pizza...christ, I guess I'd better go to the gym tomorrow and only think happy thoughts from now on or the invisible people will judge me again.
Comment #31 (Posted by Bucho)
I don't give even half a shit about this book or the movie, let these kids have their fantasies and drool over pretty actors and vampires, that's what hormones are for. What's more important is I dig the bejebus out of Cancer Of Everything, that tune is kickin out all the motherfucking jams yo.
Comment #32 (Posted by Tyler Foster)
I'm pretty sure he IS taking that people made fun of his looks by addressing it.
Here's what I posted on AICN and I stand by it: I actually based my opinion that this movie might be a giant piece of shit on the movie's theatrical trailer and poster campaign. And if I think Robert Pattinson doesn't have a future, that might be more because I can't think of a single male tween-star in the past ten or more years that has actually gone on to have any sort of career (with the exception of Zac Efron, maybe). Also, as a sidenote, I believe Twilight fans are going to go from the film to Evil Dead II like I believe I'm going to become a billionaire tomorrow.
Comment #33 (Posted by Tyler Foster)
Also, I don't think he said Twilight was "the worst thing in his life." If I'm not mistaken, this is his blog and he writes about what's on his mind.
Comment #34 (Posted by Fucked By Spikes)
Nick, I listened to your song and then, out of curiosity, checked out your other stuff on iTunes. The other guys are half-decent musicians, but you are the weak link. Your inexplicable need to create your own lexicon barely works on blogs let alone in song lyrics, which are unintelligible anyway since you apparently sing into a tin can. But you can't sing either. "I Like Spikes" is pure pain on the ears. But I guess you're always going to be front and center, since you're God's gift to everything and feel the need to share your creative diarrhea.
Comment #35 (Posted by Bucho)
Hate on Fucked By Spikes, you'd say Malkmus and Mascis were the weak links in their bands because they can't holler like Sebastien Bach. Each to their own Fuckedy, each to their motherdiddling own, but for every one that disses Nick's diarrhea there are ten of us lapping it up. That's right son, you heard me. Lapping it up.
Comment #36 (Posted by Jack Rabbit)
Fuck that face and fuck a Harry Knowles rant.
Comment #37 (Posted by polerbare)
nick, you are preaching the gospel and that fat fuck from aicn needs to keep jerking off to indiana jones and keep his cuntly comments to himself. fuck him. keep it coming nick. we love it.
Comment #38 (Posted by Phoebe)
"Comment #15 (Posted by ROB)
The people who say "I'm doing what everyone else is doing, so I must be doing something right!" I feel are wastes of Homo sapien DNA"
You've never been through high school right? Thought so.
The books are crap. They're poorly written, they use present perfect twice in the first book and the story is very Buffy meets Dawson's creek.
But you know what? It makes kids read. It drives them away from PCs, PS3s, television and a bunch of other crap and yeah, probably most of them are just eager to see the movie cos that dude is staring it, but some others know perfectly well that the book is crap and they just read it to read something, to belong to a group, to feel accepted in a way. And some others, some 14 year old girl, who's barely menstrual (loved the wording), who has no idea on how to approach a guy and is completaly lost in between worlds will start creating stories out of this one that will help her cope with rejection and shit. And when she gets to be older, she'll look back to Twilight and say "yeah, it was total bullshit but it helped me in a way".
But sure, you don't get it cos you were born in college. Ass.
Comment #39 (Posted by AJ)
The saddest thing is that Amazon List of the Best Vampire books Eva! Didn't have Dracula on it. How can that possibly be. What retarded, illiterate moron writes a best of list for vampire literature and leaves of Dracula, or Salems Lot, or christ even an Anne Rice book!
That's the real tragedy here.
Comment #40 (Posted by donaldtrump)
SHITBALLNESS!!!!
I THINK TWILIGHT, WHICH MY WIFE LOVES, IS SHITBALLNESS! WE BOTH LAUGH AT YOUR REVIEW AND SHE JUST CAN'T HELP LOVING ANYTHING VAMPIRE, GOOD, BAD OR WHATEVER. IT WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY HEART THAT THERE IS AN INTELLIGENT GUY LIKE YOU WHO USES NOT ONLY 5 DOLLAR WORDS BUT ALSO THE WORD SHITBALLNESS, AND FEELS AS I DO THAT THIS SHIT HAS GONE TOO FAR FOR TOO LONG. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.
Comment #41 (Posted by an unknown user)
I don't even know what the fuck Twilight is nor do I care... but, why is it that every fuckin time I visit CHUD, there's a new article or blog that's just eye-rollingly angry? And then Nick blames it on it being stream of consciousness ?
Nick, I piss in your stream, how 'bout that?
Comment #42 (Posted by caliluv)
Nick, here's where you are wrong about the Twilight series. The Twilight series are high concept, but they are rooted in things women will lose their shit over for years to come. Jane Austen like heros. Hot ass vampires. First love and teen angst. Stephenie Meyers is a genius cause she fused pop cultural markers that will not only keep fans wanting more, but will usher in new fans quite readily for years to come. And now that the vampire has a human face to go with it--the same face you even admit to wanting to face fuck cause even though it makes you angry, you still think of sex when you look at him? Yeah, now you understand why this guy technically doesn't have any reason to be famous right now, but every important blog from perez to eonline are drooling over him in sighting reports daily....hate his face all you want, project all your internal baggage onto it all you want, but the reality is this kid doesn't even have his movie out and half the country, from tween to cougar, wants to do him. And THAT'S why he got cast as the hot ass vampire.
Comment #43 (Posted by donaldtrump)
SHITBALLNESS!!!!!
TWILIGHT IS SHITBALLNESS!!!
Comment #44 (Posted by Johhny Walker Black)
I would have never known about this movie if it wasn't for CHUD. Fuck you guys.
Comment #45 (Posted by HAHAHa)
Yo, Nick, I just saw the new cover of Entertainment Weekly with Robert's hot ass on the cover and my first thought? "Damn, that Nick dude is gonna want to fuck his face hardest when he gets a load of it, the freak!"
Comment #46 (Posted by JoNuggs)
The issue with zealots of any franchise like this is that they seldom trace back the roots of the property. The majority of people that are in love with Twilight won't follow vampire tales back to reach something like Dracula or I Am Legend or even something like Salem's Lot.
There's a laziness about this that is very upsetting. It's fine to like something like Twilight, that's your prerogative, but realize that it comes from much greater stock.
Comment #47 (Posted by Knugen)
Racist mormon vampires can suck for all I care
Comment #48 (Posted by AndyB)
'suckilings' - genius. Sad that the comments section isn't as good as the last one. Where's tween righteous indignation when you need it. Oh and Knowles piece about 'this fiction opening the door to other works' was just arse. Keep it up Nick, you keep me coming back to this site.
Comment #49 (Posted by Todd)
Blog or no blog, this rant about Twilight is pathetic opportunism at best. I'm not even a fan or familiar with the books, but it's obvious that you figured out that Twilight does boffo traffic and decided to write this ignorant condemnation of something you know nothing about so that people obsessed with the series would see this when they google Twilight and give the site traffic. I actually come to your site for news and reviews and only bothered to click on your permanently plastered "fuck this face" image after i noticed that you'd written a second, equally insulting missive, which confirms that your suspicion that anything Twilight would do well, and that you're actually defensive about that fact that anyone might be insulted or offended by a post in which you tell them that what they like is stupid and awful.
Beyond that, why is someone's obsession with Twilight any less valuable than any of the other stuff that Chud writes about? Were you never interested in anything obsessively during your teens that you look back on and think maybe it wasn't worth it? I find it hard to believe that someone who runs a site like this never had and doesn't now have any kind of property, film series, book series, band, or anything else that they love and obsess about. If you honestly believe you're writing this as some sincere plea to take down Twilight fanaticism a peg or two as opposed to transparently exploiting something popular to drive traffic to your site, get off your high horse and think about the fact that there are plenty of people who probably think your interests are just as stupid.
Comment #50 (Posted by J)
I clicked that link. Harry Knowles has a wife and 2 ex-girlfriends? :puke:
Comment #51 (Posted by L.H.Puttgrass)
Twist the knife a little more, Nick. <p> This is a fun read. I need some more chips.
Comment #52 (Posted by L.H.Puttgrass)
Shit! I guess you can't do that (<p>) here. Also it seems that the verification code is never accepted the first time. Go figure...
Comment #53 (Posted by Chosh)
Dragonball > Twilight
Comment #54 (Posted by Teen girls are easy prey)
hey Twizels you seem like the smart sort of teenage girl I'd like to meet. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee and let me jam my cock up your ass? I'm sure you would, because your stupid enough to defend Twilight.
Comment #55 (Posted by lol)
And by "jam" your cock up her ass, you meant negotiate your cock up her ass, right? Cause with a sad, little, wet noodle of a thumb dick like yours, sex is negotiated, never executed. You could probably "jam" it in without her even noticing.
And I love when some dumb ass calls someone stupid, and yet they can't even tell the difference between "you're" and "your."
Nick, you've got some real charmers in your ranks. I get a feeling a lot of them have "mommy" anger issues they need to get over, but deflect the pain by wacking off to porn all day.
Comment #56 (Posted by Robert Pattinson)
Wow, nick, I"m really flattered you keep admitting you want to fuck me and all. But I don't swing that way. I'll just keep fucking my Brazilian supermodel girlfriend thank you very much, while all the rest of you guys who want to fuck me here keep jacking off to my face. Love, Robert Pattinson
Comment #57 (Posted by Alex)
I am all for freedom of speech but comment 54 needs to go. No one should talk to another person like that, even if the internet provides you with the means to do so without consequence, like getting your ass beat like you deserve.
Comment #58 (Posted by Zombie Genocider)
Live Free or Die Fucking this Face
Comment #59 (Posted by h0llywood)
Read Dune and all of you twilight fans will suddenly find yourselves thinking..Twilight? Wtf is Twilight again?
Comment #60 (Posted by Deadpool15cae)
I want girls and kids and just about anyone to get this excited about RUNAWAYS when that movie comes out so that they can go read the graphic novels. Now thats a series worthy of the praise and fandom. Fuck Twilight. I'm a better looking dude then edward. There, I said it.
Comment #61 (Posted by an unknown user)
How come all white people in the cast? What you got against us chinamen?
Comment #62 (Posted by Tony)
M-O-O-N, that spells angsty vampire!
Comment #63 (Posted by Soup)
Stephanie Meyer is a racist that's why. Her religion dictates that skin tone is indicitive of the amount of evil in you.
Comment #64 (Posted by Phil)
The trailers make it look like a crummy ripoff of The Covenant, only without the Stabbing Westward song to make up for some of its impressive shittiness...
"Imagine you had the power to do anything you wanted, but the more you used that power, the more it weakened you."
Comment #65 (Posted by Lisa Marie)
Don't give these little shits excuses in your blog. I found the other one quite entertaining. Though I have read the books and enjoyed them, I just think all this rage on the movie,etc is kinda funny. Just wait until they get Edward Cullen dildos. That would have me laughing.
Comment #66 (Posted by Ceiling Mirrors are more fun than TV)
Nick, that photo looks like something out of Tony Scott's nightmares or Joel Schumacher's secret scrapbook.
Comment #67 (Posted by Jerkzilla)
Now with ramp-up to this shit-factory in full tilt, I can't get away from that fucker's face. On what fucking planet is that face supposed to be attractive? His cheeks are so sunken in the right side of his face is on the left side and the left side of his face is on the right side. His forehead is literaly 7/8ths the size of the rest of his head! That's a shitload of forehead, people! And did I miss a meeting or is Jacob a girl's name now? Because the character named Jacob is apparently a smokin' hot chick!
Comment #68 (Posted by Jerkzilla)
Edward Cullen is a dildo already.
Comment #69 (Posted by TaTa)
Nick sure is pissed about some Twilight fans picking a fight with him. Point Twilight fans.
Comment #70 (Posted by Loco Pinga)
The Twilight movie sucks a HUGE ELEPHANT COCK!!!! The entire series is full of extremely GAY vampires who drink semen instead of blood.
Comment #71 (Posted by Centipede Damascus)
It's a shame vampires aren't real... Then we might actually have a way of culling the kind of idiots who think immortal cannibalistic monsters are romantic.
Comment #72 (Posted by TexLonghorn)
HA
"2 ex-girlfriends of mine love them and an additional... about 20 girls I know are also a part of the cult of TWILIGHT."
--Harry Knowles
Bullshit! Harry's never been laid. He must mean "girlfriend" as in girl friend in a strictly platonic sense. Poor bastard is delusional.
Comment #73 (Posted by F. Jackie Abraham)
Harry Knowles is a fat bastard tool.
Only he would defend this pathetic crap of a dick blowing film.
Comment #74 (Posted by an unknown user)
After reading the first dozen comments, the most common salvo from the tweens is, "You don't know what love really is, so shut up!" Guess, what? Neither do you! No one does! Because the over glamorized, till death, complete commital, love you see in hollywood doesnt exist! Its just you latching on to a man because your daddy ________ (multiple choice: A Didnt Love You Enough, B Loved you all night long, or C Loved Leaving Your Ass with your Mom) And btw, when your 17 year old boyfriend is finger banging you in the back of his moms Pathfinder, just remember, its not love, its hormones. LOL naivety FTW
Comment #75 (Posted by someone with a life)
Does Harry Knowles mean his right hand and left hand when he says "two ex-girlfriends"? Is he that mesmerised by the sight of a pole-smoking, barely post-teen "vampire"? And since when are fucking vampires supposed to be fucking romantic? I hate fucking vampires! Although the ones in "30 Days Of Night" were tits... now THOSE are some moist and delicious vampires. Sorry... my money will always go on the werewolves.
BTW... when can we expect "Live Free Or Fuck This Face"?
Comment #76 (Posted by Lauren)
I love you.
Comment #77 (Posted by Saje)
It's always amusing when someone vents hostility and animosity toward something they haven't even bothered to experience for themselves, acting as though they're too good to even contemplate doing so.
Too good to actually gather first-hand information before venturing an opinion? The arrogance of such a stance is nothing short of astounding.
Hardly surprising, though.
The web's ability to provide a platform for great minds to spread their insights is balanced quite well by its ability to provide a means for small-minded, egocentric snots to share their myopic world view to millions of people who probably couldn't, or shouldn't, care less.
The fact is that tastes differ considerably, and we should be thankful they do. I mean, if they didn't, how would so many of us find so many ways to feel superior to others?
If it's not about books or movies, it's about music. The web is rife with this sort of shit and it would be laughable if it wasn't so damn disturbing at times.
Some people desperately need to get over themselves and grow the fuck up. Pissing all over something someone else enjoys as a form of entertainment is pretty goddamn pathetic. There are plenty of things out there that I don't like, but I'm secure enough in myself that I don't have to project my feelings of inferiority on another group to justify my own opinions.
It's called being a decent, considerate, adult human being. And it's not in the least bit painful.
Comment #78 (Posted by Oh please!)
RE: Post # 77.
Are you ok up there in that rarified atmosphere? Is the view wonderful from the moral high ground you claim to inhabit? The web exists as an information outlet... so guess what? My opinion is just as valid as yours. I get to exercise my rights to piss on things I happen to think suck. And while the film we are discussing may be excellently crafted, well directed, and all the other hot industry buzzwords... I choose to say that a film which romanticizes vampires sucks,(pardon the obvious pun).
I'm glad that you are secure enough in your own opinions and do not deign to sully the bandwidth with your own views. Heaven forfend that you speak up for something except when it spotlights you own moral superiority to the rest of us proles.
Have fun up there.
Comment #79 (Posted by Lima Oscar Lima)
RE: # 46
Well said. This "Twilight" dreck is just fluff built on the shoulders of giants. I'd tell all these tweenie boppers to go read "Dracula" or "I Am Legend" or "Salem's Lot"... but I know they would just say "Read? Why read? I'll just watch the DVD. It's less labor intensive.
Comment #80 (Posted by Loco Pinga)
I heard that the name "Robert Pattinson" in Gaelic means Cock Smoker or one who smokes Cock. This movie sucks! Enough with all the raving about it. Go see it and you will surely turn GAY or at least crave cock for a few days!
Comment #81 (Posted by ronan)
What a shower of miserable fucking aborted cunts. I hate this site. I hate Devin and smug cunty twat nick. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Comment #82 (Posted by JRyan)
Pissing people off is funny. You don't have to read the books to do that.
Comment #83 (Posted by Terry Erickson)
Why can't people get this worked up over the Dragonball film?
It will probably be at least equally as shitty, but at least Dragonball is slightly cool. Color me befuddled.
Comment #84 (Posted by Terry Erickson)
And I'm not speaking as a simple hater, btw.
I tried reading the first book, I figured I'd see what the hype was about. Stephenie Meyer is a shitty writer. Like, on a fan fiction level. There are spelling errors. A lot of them. BEFUDDLED, I tell you. Fucking. Befuddled.
Comment #85 (Posted by Pop Zeus)
Holy cow. There's a book on that Amazon list entitled "Boys That Bite."
...which, in English, should be "Boys Who Bite." Aren't there any editors looking at these things?
Comment #86 (Posted by Vault Master)
Hahahahaha. Good stuff Nick. What really gave me a laugh is how you "got to Harry Knowles." I don't know Mr. Knowles personally, but from my point of view it seems to me that he is a media whore. I've seen Harry and company give kudos to many awful films, if only to have AINTITCOOLNEWS emblazoned on posters and DVD covers. And apparently this trend is continuing because he gave a positive film review of Twilight. UGH! You know, I think I'll give into my girlfriend and see this beast, just so I can write up a review for it. Methinks this movie could use another slap in the face. ]:-)
Comment #87 (Posted by Vault Master)
Forgot to mention this, but you know what boggles my mind? Why is it that people get so protective over movies and books and whatnot? If you didn't write the stories, and if you didn't make the films, why the f*ck would you go apeshit if someone said "Twilight sucks donkey dick?" I only point this out because I've experienced actual hatred from fans of "Twilight" and better pop culture franchises like "Star Trek" and "Star Wars" and even "Harry Potter," merely for stating my opinion. I think this is a phenomenon worth studying; hell, it should be at least worth a Nobel prize if someone can figure this out. Any ideas fellow movie fans?
Comment #88 (Posted by kick_them_in_the_head)
Mormon tweener porn. Get it ?
Comment #89 (Posted by Gundam Mobile Squadron)
Of all the insufferable, terrible shit this bullshit Bush regime has flung on us, this has gotta be the worst. An unbelievable piece of dreck that stinks for miles; and the end product of our culture's hijacking by the faith-based horde ( which, at one point, threatened to reach nadir with the aborted Sarah Palin campaign ) ! Must even VAMPIRE FLICKS evoke of their sick agenda, too ?!?!? Truly a piece of mental recession.
That, and fucking ' Brokencyde '.
Comment #90 (Posted by no_nothing)
I would disagree with you on ' Pirates of Carribean ' , though. Finally done watching the trilogy - albeit more than a year late - and it's simply stunning, remarkably complex piece of work; a complete revitalization of the Pirate story. Total brilliance. A true, real deal epic for years to come. Peter Jackson's neo-fascist LOTR sequels stand pale in fucking comparison ! Though I must admit, the first Pirates of the Carribean film kinda blows. Like ' Disneyfied, infantile, icky-poo-ka-ka ' blows.
Comment #91 (Posted by crawford tilinghast)
I have to say that twilight looks pretty lame, but this is getting a little histrionic. Stuff gets made for other people some times, folks, and it might be time for us nerds to calm down a bit and realize that. You sound like my dad telling me that there hasn't been any good music produced since 1965, for Gods sake.
Comment #92 (Posted by pissonthis)
this movie will make queen of the damned look like a masterpiece.
Comment #93 (Posted by IRONY)
NICK IS OBSESSED WITH TWILIGHT; HE'S PROBABLY WATCHED IT MORE TIMES THAN SEVERAL FANS.
Comment #94 (Posted by Andy)
Nick's blog is spot-on and Comment # 7 hit the nail right on the fucking head(go back and read it). Never even heard of the books, but the first time I saw that trailer I knew what type of crowd was gonna be in the theater on opening night. Needless to say, I was right. Its embarassing to be a part of the American movie audience. We will seriously throw our money at anything...especially copy and paste tripe like Twilight! All you gotta do is target a demographic that doesnt know any better and watch the cash roll in. In this case...its tweens and teens who act like vampires didnt even fucking exist until this vapid franchise!
Comment #95 (Posted by Twatlight)
#79 (L.O.L.? dickhead) You missed the whole point of this shit. The little fuckers DO read. Are they reading the wrong stuff? Yep.
Comment #96 (Posted by an unknown user)
95 comments. Well, 96 now. This just proves the boring Twilight rants are to produce hits.
Comment #97 (Posted by Andy)
Comment #91...I totally agree that there is a time, place and audience for everything under the sun, but to compare all the people on here that hate Twilight to our grumpy old fathers who cant stand anything produced past their heyday is being a little short-sighted (no offence, seriously).
In the big picture, I feel Twilight is ultimately representative of A LOT of peoples distaste for Hollywood's continuous habit of catering to the lowest common denominator. They spend more time and money on producing and hyping color-by-numbers cash cow crap (cookie cutter Christmas movies, unnecessary remakes, adult friendly CGI kiddie flicks, 17 year old Disney Channel pop starlet has a hilariously heart-warming adventure in europe/college movies, anything with Reese Witherspoon in it) for the easy-to-please crowd, than producing movies that attempt to break new ground and giving those of us who don’t go to the movies to simply shovel popcorn down our throats and drool over the lead a real reason to be excited for a film.
I get it Hollywood, you can make parent and child laugh at the same joke and make 36 year old Debbie in accounting squeal in unison with xXxTwilightVamp13xXx over the same over-sexualized cliché ridden vampire...but where are your cajones?
(Smashes soap-box like an electric guitar)
Comment #98 (Posted by Andy)
BTW, to all you Twilight fans out there:
Even though the first seasons over, try to catch the reruns of HBO's True Blood. I hated it at first, but it really grew on me. At least its TRYING to buck the trend, somewhat.
Comment #99 (Posted by Marques)
Edward's a lying fuck. His Myspace says he's only 17...
Comment #100 (Posted by an unknown user)
Does everyone know that these books were written by a Mormon!? So not only did she fuck up the rules of vampires- but "no biting until marriage" You have got to be kidding me.
Complete trash!
I completely agree with Devin's review on this lame movie.
