<![CDATA[CHUD.com - A Movie Website and SO MUCH MORE. - Blogs]]> http://chud.com/articles en-us N/A nicknunziata@gmail.com Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:59:59 EST 20 <![CDATA[A Box Of Gobstoppers And A Pepsi One - The Second Wave]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1914/A-Box-Of-Gobstoppers-And-A-Pepsi-One---The-Second-Wave.html And then there was June...

Here's where the Summer typically kicks into high gear, bringing out the big guns and other similar clichés - meant to signify armament and/or mechanical prowess - as a metaphor standing in for the competitive sweepstakes nature of mainstream Hollywood marketing.

To that end, June's highlights were a visual illustration of this metaphor. Movies about giant mechanical objects wrecking shit (and each other) up.

Terminator Salvation
It began in earnest, as McG rushed to get his giant robots movie out of the gate first. Did his head start pay off? I don't know. I think this movie tanked. I also don't remember much of it anymore. Give me a break, please. It's been about a month since I saw it. I could barely remember it after 20 minutes. What sort of damage do you think a month would do to this ephemeral motion picture? Christian Bale was in it. He played a McGuffin who actually gets lines of dialog and entire sequences devoted to him. I hope it was fucking good because it's useless now, isn't it? Although, Bale got top billing because of his popularity and winning personality, the star of the film was a guy named Sam Worthington who played a busted-up action figure. Meanwhile, Anton Yelchin showed that he could build a cult following as a stand-up comic who impersonates Michael Biehn.

Other notes about my viewing experience: At some point, while looking at the spectacularly named actress Moon Bloodgood, I began to get an erection. Another actress I find attractive was also in this - Her name is Bryce Dallas Howard. I believe she played a piece of furniture (like a coat or hat rack) that occasionally speaks. There was also a cameo by a mannequin with Arnold Schwarzenegger's face that brought down the house. Oh yeah, Helena Bonham Carter played an iMac. And, at some point, the movie was interrupted by an overblown sequel to Mad Max that takes place in a 7-Eleven. That movie was kind of cool. But then it was over and I had to sit through the other movie. The one about inanimate objects that speak and a guy who likes to yell at incompetent photographers.

That's about all I can seriously remember about this movie.

Watchmen
What? Yes. Watchmen. Because the release of this film in Bolivia was held until June 11th. My initial viewing experience of this film was already covered in a previous blog. But I wanted to note that it was interesting to see the movie in a different context like this, surrounded by Hollywood blockbusters. As it is basically an intellectual popcorn movie, it seemed that much more impressive by comparison. The distributor hyped it like a summer blockbuster, complete with a television appearance featuring me as Dr. Manhattan and special effects during the premiere... Like fire effects, and an in-theater explosion with confetti falling on the audience during the film's climactic blowout. It was unusual and the entire experience will be chronicled in an upcoming blog.

But sandwiched between Terminator and Transformers... It comes off like a gourmet smoked turkey and provolone with dijon mustard and lettuce, using toasted saltines as the bread that holds it together. But it still tastes good... Probably better if you eat it with a knife and fork. Because the crackers holding it together will crack and you'll end up with crap all over your hands.

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen
And then there was this...

This.

In the beginning...there was THE CUBE.

In the sequel...there was THE SLIVER OF THE CUBE.

You know? I really don't understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, I understand completely why this movie was generally disliked. That's not hard to understand. Simply and succintly put - the movie is galactically stupid.

But so was the first one guys. Go back and see it again. I did. I watched it the night before viewing the sequel and saw what I saw two years ago... A stupid movie about giant robots kicking the shit out of each other over a cosmic cube.

It was entertaining.

I think what we have here is a case of MBSS - Michael Bay Sequel Syndrome. As I'm sure you'll all recall, Bay's last sequel was Bad Boys II: a spectacularly excessive piece of shit that has since picked up a bit of a cult following because of that excess. Transformers: ROTF(L) does what most sequels are supposedly made for. You liked those big robots? Here's a couple more. You liked the funny bits? Here's a few more. You liked the parents? Here they are again. You liked Turturro? Here he is again.

And why bother with a new script? The first one worked just fine for audiences all over the world.

The problem is that, two years ago, we had never seen a fucking stupid movie about giant robots kicking the shit out of each other over a cube. So we were thrilled by the novelty. Two years later, we've already seen this movie. And, a couple of weeks ago, we saw another fucking stupid movie about a giant robot busting up a 7-Eleven. So, walking out of this one, some probably felt like they had already seen this movie three times.

Three doses of stupid is a lot of stupid for some people.

But Michael Bay indulges in some interestingly daring things in this picture. To the extent that you wonder if he's trying for something experimental and avant garde. He gives us an American film made by a major studio and released in the Summer of 2009 that features two ethnic caricatures that would be right at home in a Blake Edwards picture from 1961. He gives us two characters that could have been played by Al Jolson and Buster Keaton wearing black face in a delightful comic farce from 1929.

That's interesting.

The film also wants to be topical by criticizing the current administration in these turbulent times. Love the way Tyrese Gibson rolls his eyes when he gets a load of the latest incompetent and pompous beurocrat that "the president just appointed." Take that Obama! We are brave soldiers fighting a righteous war and you want us to back off?

That's daring.

I also love his examination of comic tropes that will probably never get old. Like your mom eating special brownies, freaking out and embarrassing you in college. Or the computer geek know-it-all who (gasp!) lives with his mom. Or the comic relief roommate who is also a computer geek know-it-all and gets dragged into the ruckus by the hero, so he can scream and say funny things about not wanting to die or go to prison.

That's so retro.

So I guess Michael Bay's latest big ticket is actually a pretty daring and interesting film. No one seems to see it that way and neither do I, but there it is. And it made about a billion dollars in 2 days. We'll get another one of these fuckers in a couple of years. Don't worry.

So, let's recap...

The first one was about huge toys kicking the shit out of each other over a giant cube.

The second one is about huge toys beating the fuck out of each other over a little metal sliver with a blue energy crystal in the middle of it.

I look forward to Transformers: The Fall Of Galvatron. It will be just as thrilling to see huge toys tear the piss out of each other over a giant Susan B Anthony dollar, with a red button in the center of it that deactivates the universe.

I'll be first in line and so will you.


Okaaaay...
So far, the score stands at Star Trek - 2. The rest - NIL. (With an honorable mention for Watchmen, but that doesn't really count)

July brings us Harry Potter (if they bring a subtitled copy), the unnecessary Pelham remake and Public Enemies.

The score may shift slightly, but not in any way that actually impacts these results.
]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Fri, 03 Jul 2009 00:00:00 EDT http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1914/A-Box-Of-Gobstoppers-And-A-Pepsi-One---The-Second-Wave.html <![CDATA[Lite Popcorn And Coke Zero - The First Wave]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1868/Lite-Popcorn-And-Coke-Zero---The-First-Wave.html The summer movie season is a funny thing for me. Has been for the last couple of years. Because, as it is summer in the US, it's winter down here. Not that this matters much in La Paz. "Winter" simply means colder nights and mornings than usual. There's no such thing as a fully-rounded season in this place. It's chilly in the morning, gets warm with the blistering sun in the afternoon and chilly again at night. And from February to April it usually rains like a fuck outside.

But that's neither here nor there.

The purpose of this blog is to briefly run through the big May blockbusters and see what clicked and what didn't, not talk about Bolivian weather patterns. So, here we go... I'm assuming that, if you're reading this, you saw the movies. I don't feel the need to issue a spoiler warning but I'll issue one just in case: There are spoilers.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
The summer was kicked off to a spectacularly underwhelming start with this little sucker. I don't know what I was expecting from the fourth film in an okay franchise with two good leads from the director of Tsotsi. So I can't exactly say the movie didn't meet the undemanding expectations of its thoroughly boring trailer. (Oh! Your big action beat is Hugh Jackman leaping from an exploding jeep to a helicopter. I can't wait to see such an original notion unfold on the big screen.) From then on in it was an amalgamation of the terrible Origin graphic novel and the very good Weapon X graphic novel with all the cheesiness of the former and none of the goodness of the latter. Jackman and Liev Schreiber deliver solid performances, I guess. Jackman owns this role, as we all know. But Schreiber had a tougher job - taking a character no one gives a shit about or understands outside of the comic community and trying to make him interesting to the best of his ability. He almost pulls it off. In the end, though, when you walk out wishing the opening credits sequence had actually been the whole movie, something went wrong. And, let's be frank, I liked those credits a lot more when I saw them in a movie called Watchmen.

Star Trek
But, one week later, I couldn't give two shits about any of that because I saw this movie. This wonderful pop confection that just about completely took me by surprise. It's no secret that I'm a big fan of JJ Abrams. It's also most likely not a point of any particular interest either. But there it is. Loved Felicity. Loved Alias. Looking forward to loving Lost (once I get around to watching it) and his X-Files ripoff is starting to grow on me. Mostly because of John Noble's Anthony Hopkins impersonation, but we'll see what happens. ... And as for his film work? I like Forever Young. I like Regarding Henry. These are watchable afternoon cable pictures. I'll even confess to liking Taking Care of Business (Or: FILOFAX - as I assumed that movie was called when I first saw it on video, years ago) but, most likely, that's because I get a kick out of Mako saying "Nice titties" more than anything else. I really don't remember much else about the movie. But I know that it's about Charles Grodin's entire life falling apart because he loses his diary.

Ok. So maybe there was nothing in that film to suggest that its writer could conceivably make a good Star Trek movie. I'll give you that. But he did make the best Mission: Impossible movie so I was willing to cut him some slack regardless.

That being said, I was skeptical about this until opening day. Wasn't sure about the cast. Wasn't sure about the concept (and by that I mean starting the series over with a new cast - I avoided spoilers so knew nothing about anything else). Just plain wasn't sure. But you can throw that out the window right now, because I sure as shit was sure by the time the words STAR TREK fade onto the screen after that tremendous opening.

What follows is, as I'm sure you've both heard and experienced personally, one of those fantastic rides you pay good money to see during the summer season. You can say what you want about the "weak script" or "Kurtzman and Orci aren't good writers" or "it doesn't make any sense." These are all criticisms that have been leveled at the film even by people who legitimately enjoyed it. But it kept the promise of delivering a fantastic popcorn movie. And the concept at the center of it is quite brilliant... Rebooting while adhering to canon. It sounds ridiculous on paper, but they made the thing work. The most purely entertaining Star Trek film since 1986. And they didn't have to make it a comedic, family-oriented chick flick to pull that off. This is an admirable thing.

Angels & Demons
And then, this month's little history lesson. I think it's interesting how they took a more action-based adventure story than The Da Vinci Code and almost made it into just as inert a movie. This sequel to the most unusual summer blockbuster of 2006 is a very strange bird indeed. I think my friend Gigio summed up the works of Dan Brown quite succintly and accurately. He called it: Harry Potter for old fucks.

Tom Hanks' rendition of Robert Langdon is a new breed of screen hero. The passive protagonist. He merely has to point at things and talk about them. The actual actions are done by other people. And so, a thrilling airport book I read a couple of years ago is transformed into a merely intriguing potboiler about a middle-aged guy who has a big mouth.

In the end, the villain is vanquished because a bunch of old people glower at him, so he gets all pissy and creates a campy 70s B Movie demise for himself. And the other bad guy is killed by his own car because he's a fucking dumbass.

Meanwhile, Tom Hanks gets to show off his action/adventure chops by leaning on a bookcase and passing out.

This is also a new breed of thriller. Not since The Da Vinci Code have I seen a film wherein 87% of its dialog is made up entirely of exposition. The suspense is generated by how many more Wikipedia-friendly details can be crammed into one sentence. And each new scene is a spectacle of one-upmanship in that department. I also like how I don't give a flying fuck about Bernini or Raphael. But this movie seems to think I do.

Bernini was Illuminati??????? Of COURSE he was!

Who gives a wet shit?

And I also love a big budget Hollywood summer movie directed by Ron Howard and released through Columbia Pictures, with special effects that look like they were created on someone's 1989 Macintosh Plus.

I suppose the money went to the catering, the Rome hotels and Tom Hanks' hairpiece, because once Ewan McGregor started bouncing around Vatican City like a sprite from a Sega CD game, I laughed until I began weeping for humanity.

Very well...
And if you're wondering why (all the love that you long for eludes you and people are rude and cruel to you, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. You just haven't earned it yet, baby.) ... I haven't brought up Night at the Museum 2 it's because I didn't want to see it... dubbed.

So... As it stands - the score is as follows: Star Trek - 1, everyone else - NIL.

Not bad odds. The June installment brings Terminator Salvation, Transformers 2 and Watchmen (Yes... Watchmen)

Watch this space in about 3 weeks.

Stay safe.
]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Mon, 15 Jun 2009 00:00:00 EDT http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1868/Lite-Popcorn-And-Coke-Zero---The-First-Wave.html <![CDATA[One Year Ago Today...]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1851/One-Year-Ago-Today.html That was when I published my first blog on this site. And I "officially" became a member of the community as well, logging my first post on the boards.

So... In celebration of this, I thought it would be nice to clock in a few words about CHUD in general and the community in particular. Bear with me. This might be worth your time.

First of all, as far as movie websites go? CHUD is the best there is. Bar none. The quality of the writing, the sense of humor on display, the general attitude... It's all of a decidedly more sophisticated and interesting variety than what you usually find. And that is not to say they're above rowdy, tasteless humor from time to time - such as Devin predicting drug addiction and early death for Jaden Smith - but even that is usually handled with pizazz and style, rather than pure vehemence.

I joke from time to time that just about 3 people actually bother reading my blogs. That may be true or not, but I still feel privileged to be a part of this community and the fact that my blogs appear here actually means something to me. I didn't turn out to be as prolific as I would have liked. Life and work got in the way, as these things tend to.

Just over 30 blogs in one year. Do the math.

Part of it was work and time constraints... The other was that I didn't want to be boring. I figured, if I'm going to blog here, I should try to offer something a little different than just toss in what I think about some movie. So you'll notice, as my blogs progressed, they began to be more and more about me and my life here in La Paz. Stuff like my Days of Llojeta series (which will continue - for those who are interested) or my Watchmen "review" that really had very little to do with Watchmen. But I found that was the sort of stuff I really enjoyed putting out there.

Sure, I occasionally would still like to speak my mind about a movie. I was going to do a blog about Angels & Demons. But, after thinking about it, I realized the movie just wasn't interesting enough for me to bother and I could add no insight that hadn't already been given by others.

So, basically, as year two comes around, you can expect to see more blogs like my love letter to Within Temptation. As a result, I don't know how often they can appear. But two or three a month (maybe more if I get really inspired) seems about right. I'll still clock in about movies from time to time. I plan to do an in-depth review of the Watchmen director's cut, for instance.

But I think I've found my voice and the comments I've received from some of you, as well as outsiders that come to read my stuff, would suggest that I should stick to my more idiosyncratic posts anyway. So that's my ballpark.

And speaking of those comments...

One of the most enjoyable experiences for me in this past year has been mingling on the Message Boards and "meeting" some of you.

I wasn't exactly welcomed with open arms when I first started posting... Someone (take a guess) even quipped: "Why do all these people I never heard of now have Chud blogs?" And I've had my run-ins with several of you. I've been taken to task for liking Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And I've also been asked to apologize for my positive opinion of The Happening. But, you know what? That's good. I enjoy a healthy discussion and how can I be opinionated while asking others not to be?

Also, I have rarely felt offended by anyone's dissent. When I've been roasted - and I HAVE been roasted - it's usually been done in good humor. Like someone posting a gif of a crying infant when I made a comment about Devin's aforementioned mean-spiritedness regarding Jaden Smith.

Yes, there were times when I felt like I was in high school... Me being The New Guy, with Devin, Dre and some others being The Jocks. It's all a bit silly. But I do respect those people I'm talking about even when I don't agree with their opinions nor they with mine. And I'll even leap to a person's defense if I see them being called a "cunt" or "butter tits" - because, frankly, that stuff is uncalled for.

So it's all good is what I'm saying. Go ahead and tell me to fuck off if you think I have it coming. So long as you do it in good spirits, I have no reason to hold it against you. That is to say, I'm not going to put you on IGNORE just because we don't see eye-to-eye on Death Wish 3 or something. Many of you have very interesting things to say and I want to keep reading.

Now then... The big apology.
I said, when I first started, that I would talk about my own movie and my own music. And I barely lived up to that part of the deal. I did about 3 or 4 blogs about my movie and none whatsoever about my music.

This will change...

If anyone's interested, Nocturnia got a limited release down here and did... um... it did okay. I'm working on a re-release and DVD for it to finally be available internationally, and I can't wait until some of you get a chance to see it and tear me a new one on the boards. I would especially like Sam Strange to remember making it.

To make up for the lack of Nocturnia coverage (there will really be very little about that - I've moved on to other things) I plan to post a series of blogs taking me through the entire process of the film I'm going to start working on next. It's at the script stage still. But, once that's done, you can expect a series of blogs. And these will be consistent.

Anyway... I'm on the point of rambling right now. So I'll just wrap this up by saying thank you to CHUD. Thanks to Nick and Eileen for giving me the opportunity to shoot the shit in its blog section. And a big shout-out to my peeps in The B Action Thread. I would list all of you, but I think you know who you are, so I don't need to.

Elsewhere... to Chris Olson, Captain Zahn, Natalia, Tati, Keith F, a VERY special thanks to mcnooj82... To Anderson (when's Blog Wars Episode II?), coolasquentin (where did you go?), Bobby Bear, Spike Marshall (yes, even you Spike) and of course devincf, Andre Dellamorte and anyone else I'm too stupid to remember off the top of my head - thank you for making the Chud Forums such a stimulating and engaging place to be. I have become a world-class procrastinator thanks to you fine people.

A final shout out to B Action and now I'm out of here...

Seriously, if I didn't mention Molti, Rene or any of the others, it's because I expect you to know who you are.

Stay safe people... And here's to another fine year in your company.

Too schamltzy? Oh well. It had to be done.
]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Thu, 04 Jun 2009 00:00:00 EDT http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1851/One-Year-Ago-Today.html <![CDATA[The Day I Discovered Music]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1769/The-Day-I-Discovered-Music.html That's a bit of a pretentious title calculated to get your attention...

I don't really know when I "discovered" music and I won't bore you with the history of my musical tastes. I really just want to talk about this one band I've gotten really into lately because it's hit me like a bit of a thunderbolt and I thought it would be nice to share that with my two or three regular readers.

So I come to you now to tell you a little bit about my getting into a band called Within Temptation. Go ahead and click on that link to read about them on Wikipedia because I'm not going to turn this blog into a biography. Fuck that. You want to know about them? There it is. Me? I just want to tell you that I have come to love this Dutch bunch quite dearly over the past 3 months or so.

It all started much earlier than that, though, when I was hanging out with some of my musician friends and their bands. Two of these bands, Libellula and Sweet Shadow have made it their business to perform the kind of goth/industrial/metal/I hate categorizing music genres music played by bands like Nightwish and Evanessence.

In particular, Sweet Shadow did a lovely job of covering Ice Queen, which was Within Temptation's first big hit. (And you know this, because you already clicked on the Wikipedia link I provided) And that was the first time I ever heard a song by Within Temptation. That was a couple of years ago. But they did a great job and the song would always stick in my head at the end of a show.

 

Now, you must understand, this is not really my scene. I like all kinds of music, yes. But metal and symphonic metal and melodic metal and I hate categorizing music genres music has never really been my cup of tea. I have a hard time taking bands like that seriously because I can't connect with songs about dragons and wizards - with lyrics inspired by the plot of Lord of the Rings. But my musician friends really started getting into this kind of music and playing it in their own sets... So, while hanging out with them, I had a chance to listen to all these European bands with hot chick singers. And one of them would always stand out from the pack. That was Within Temptation... Something about the sheer beauty and power of Sharon den Adel's vocals stood out for me. I also liked their cover of Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill. Appreciation for what I appreciate is something I appreciate dearly.

Anyway... After a while, I got curious.

A very good friend of mine, whose privacy I totally respect, happens to be a fan. Like... A big fan. Going-to-Chile-for-20 hours-on-a-bus to see them big. You know, like what I did for Watchmen. For the sake of coherence, I'll give her a code name, so as to not soil her good name by having it appear in a shitty blog such as this: Let's call her - Curly Fries.

So, Curly Fries suggested that if I were really interested in getting into the band, I should first listen to their 2004 album The Silent Force.

Boy, was she right.

It's a great piece of work, this disc. Just one great, haunting, cinematic song after another. And, in these trying times, a sense of uplift that has really given my cockles reason to soar. They have often been compared to Evanessence (and if you hear songs like the very catchy hit, Stand My Ground, it's easy to see why) but, my God, they are so much better. First of all, Sharon den Adel mops the floor and papers the walls with Amy Lee six ways to Sunday. But, there is a maturity and scope to this stuff too that the popular Christian rockers just can't touch.

Case in point: Tracks 5 & 6 - Pale and Forsaken. Individually, they are beautiful, forceful pieces of music. Taken together, as one flows into the other, they make a kind of symphony...  I don't know if it was intentional but I know what I like. I like this very much. The combo of Memories and Angels can be equally effective... As seen here.

 

So it's a wonderful album. But their 2007 follow-up - The Heart Of Everything - is no slouch either. In fact, if I were to recommend them to someone who is already an established fan of this kind of symphonic/goth/you know how I feel about doing this metal, I would say they should start with this album instead. The production is equally polished and spectacular. But the songs are more aggressive and forceful. It was their first release on a US label (Roadrunner Records) and their intent to "cross over" shows. They have a song called What Have You Done, wherein Life in Agony's Keith Caputo provides guest vocals. (The album features two versions. A horribly truncated "rocked-up" 'US Single Version' and the original, better version of the song - referred to on the disc as the 'extended version') They even take Stand My Ground and stick it in here again.

But, desperate commercial concessions notwithstanding, The Heart Of Everything is pretty much the equal of The Silent Force in both scope and energy. Daniel Gibson produced both albums and he gives the band a pristine finish that gets under your skin. Songs like the epic Our Solemn Hour and forceful power ballads like Frozen and All I Need really stick to the wall. The latter is accompanied by a slick video that owes more than a bit to Tarsem's motion picture The Cell. Whether that's a good or bad thing is for the masses to decide. But Sharon den Adel is certainly a looker if there ever was one, and the song does the job of being heartrending without getting too sappy. Even with a line like "Don't break me down/For all I need/Make my heart a better place/Give me something I can believe" she sells it and the song works.

 

Their craft was confirmed for me, completely, as I viewed their 2008 concert film Black Symphony. The epic show at the Ahoy in Rotterdam, done in collaboration with Holland's Metropole Orchestra, threatens at many intervals to just be a gaudy mess. But they pull it off considerably, giving each song an appropriately dramatic presentation. Only the Caputo collaboration (the aforementioned What Have You Done) disappoints. He was flown in all the way from New York to stand in the center of the stage, wearing a corny t-shirt, looking at Adel with deer-in-the-headlights eyes while holding his microphone like an ice cream cone. And his vocal contributions (so engaging in the studio version) are about as audible as a dog whistle. It's a pathetic 5 minutes in an otherwise tremendous live show.

 

So... Yeah. I fucking love this band. I don't know what it is. I find it easier to identify with women singers most of the time. All my favorite singers are women (with the exception of Morrissey - who may as well be one, I guess) and I connect with both their attitude and sensibilities. In my own work, I'd sooner emulate Aimee Mann than Michael Penn... And my stage presence (if any) and singing style owes more to, say, Dolores O'Riordan than it does to Bono... Don't know the answer to this.

Many of my closest friends are women.

I guess I just really love women.

So, in Within Temptation, I present to you a powerful, beautiful woman, whose voice will rip the hinges off your ceiling. Assuming your ceiling has hinges, as mine doesn't but I like the visual of a ceiling being ripped off its non-existent hinges. It's symphonic/melodic/gothic/god I hate doing this shit metal. But she doesn't sing about Gandalf and seraphims and dragons flying through the air, throwing lightning bolts at warlocks. She sings about life and emotion and the things that affect you and me in our day-to-day.

They haven't made it big in the States. But, you know what? They hardly need it. European currency is as good as any. And I don't want them to be this huge monstrosity devoid of personality. As is the case, when bands like this make it really huge in a place like the US. Even homegrown bands eventually go astray. Look what happened to Metallica.

So I say... You're American and you've never heard of Within Temptation? That's great. Let's keep it that way.

But, if you're interested, I say follow Curly Fries' advice: Start with The Silent Force and follow it in quick succession with The Heart of Everything. Then, go back and "discover" their equally engaging 2002 album Mother Earth. Finally, sit down and watch the Black Symphony concert. Alone, or in the company of friends (as I did) - I'll leave that up to you. And I'll add some advice of my own... If you're a cynic - and, let's face it, most of us are - ignore their bombastic, over-the-top, special-effects laden, mini-movie videos. They're slick as fuck all... And I like them just fine... But what really matters here is the spectacle of the production and composition of these very habit-forming songs. If you like it, you can thank me later. If you don't, you can tell me to go fuck myself and - while I'm at it - Fuck you too, I gave it a shot.

Did I mention she's a looker?

Eye candy helps.
]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Mon, 27 Apr 2009 00:00:00 EDT http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1769/The-Day-I-Discovered-Music.html <![CDATA[This Is The World We Live In (OH OHHHH OH!)]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1760/This-Is-The-World-We-Live-In-OH-OHHHH-OH.html Okay then.

I was born in New York City to a Bolivian father and a Sicilian mother. My grandfather was born in Holland to a Bolivian father and a Dutch mother. So, I am Dutch/Bolivian/Sicilian and American by birth.

But if you ask me, point blank, what are you? (I'm Batman) - I answer: I'm Bolivian. Or I'm Bolivian/American. My European lineage shows most in my appearance and, growing up, I was never considered a Latino in school. Also, my Spanish is rather refined and free of the colloquialisms of Chicano/Boricua language patterns. So... I was always just a "white kid."

But I'm Bolivian. And, some glitches aside, I like to think I'm a fairly intelligent, thoughtful person with a sense of culture and taste.

I feel it is necessary to preface with that lengthy intro because I just want to make one thing very clear to all of you in the ether that are reading this right now: Bolivians are not, by nature, morons.

I just want that to be clear. And I would like to reiterate: BOLIVIANS ARE NOT MORONS.

Some, even many, of them are and they are the subject of this little post. But we are not, by nature, stupid. A Bolivian senator can go on live television and declare that Hungarians, Croatians and Irishmen are, by nature, terrorists. But I don't feel I should be making those same kinds of generalizations. It's just not my nature. You won't see me saying things like: All Argentines are arrogant pricks (especially the Porteños). Or:  All Irishmen are alcoholics. Or: Being English = Bad dental work. Or: Italians are melodramatic assholes. Or: Jews are cheap bastards. Or: British people age badly.

Or: All Bolivians are ignorant morons.

But I don't blame you if you are having those kinds of thoughts given what's been happening in this little country over the past few weeks.

Should I get rid of my BB Pistols? Should I tell my friend Mike to throw away his grandfather's Luger rifle?

Should I stop playing Call Of Duty online? That one's easy. I barely do now.

I'm working on my next film project. It's a complicated dramatic piece that examines race/class relations here in Bolivia. What if Evo goes to the premiere (I don't plan on inviting the bastard, but what if he crashes?) and decides that: the person who made this film is an imperialist enemy of the people who wants to murder me and destroy the government... Just like the Spaniards who would chop off our hands 500 years ago so we couldn't learn to read.

And they would cut out our tongues so that we couldn't learn to write.

And off would go our ears so that we couldn't see...

I ask myself this because when playing paintball makes you a terrorist, I think all bets are fucking off. I suppose it's a little sad that the Minister of Defense can go on National TV and turn Bolivia into the laughing stock of the world with his allegations.

And it would be hilariously funny too...

If it wasn't so fucking terrifying.

Last week, a Hungarian, Croatian and Irishman were shot dead in their hotel rooms because they were in Santa Cruz - presumably to help the authorities of that Department prepare for a possible defense against an Andean militia that may come in protest of their impending autonomy.

This made them terrorists.

And yet, there were no weapons to be found in their rooms. And no evidence has been shown to attest to this. Other than a picture of people in Santa Cruz playing paintball from an Airsoft website.

So, what we have here is three Europeans shot dead in the middle of the night in their underwear... That's all I'm seeing. And when President Evo Morales Aima responds to the Europeans asking for evidence by saying: I should be suing and raising charges against YOU. You want evidence? You want to support terrorism?

All bets are off and no one is safe, right?

I work as an English teacher and interpreter/translator. I wish my film and music pursuits paid the bills, but they don't. So, that's the way it is. My big job right now is that I'm the English teacher exclusively for the Banking Superintendency... (Oh... Sorry... No more Superintendents. It's now the Bolivian Authority of Financial Supervision).

This has some State connections.

What if Evo Morales decides that I'm teaching them The Forbidden Language Spoken By Our Imperialist Oppressors so that they can use it against him and overthrow the government. Does that make me an enemy of the people? Am I going to show up naked, face down in my bedroom with six bullets in my back on the noon newscast?

Watch this space, I guess.

But just remember... Bolivians are not stupid. Not all of us anyway.

And we kicked Argentina's ass. Six to ONE! (Couldn't resist Tati, sorry)

It's not all bad.
]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Fri, 24 Apr 2009 00:00:00 EDT http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1760/This-Is-The-World-We-Live-In-OH-OHHHH-OH.html <![CDATA[Day Of Iquique: The Watchmen Experience (3)]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1602/Day-Of-Iquique-The-Watchmen-Experience-3.html Stop! Don't read before reading PART 2.


Or, for that matter, PART 1.


Ok... So, I should probably preface this by mentioning that there are only 4 or 5 other people in the theater. I am able to find perfect seats right in the middle with a great view of the panoramic screen... But the lack of people leads me to think that Watchmen will most likely not be one of the big blockbusters of the season here in Chile. I'm sure everybody is just biting their nails waiting for Paul Blart: Mall Cop, which I think opens next week or something.

Or maybe I'm just one of the few jackasses sitting in a movie theater at 11:30 on a Satruday morning.

Okay... Here we go.

11:45am - The show begins...

They show trailers for:
Underworld - Rise of the Lycans. (Yawn.)
X-Men Origins: Wolverine. (Hurm.)
Star Trek (Uh-huh.)

And something I at first presume to be an as yet unheard of remake of Sorcerer (or The Wages of Fear if you want to be a snobby douchebag), that actually turns out to be Fast and Furious. I realize I have yet to see a single one of the movies in that franchise... And I don't care. I don't think I'll be seeing this one either.

Then... The movie begins.

THOUGHTS THAT PASSED THROUGH MY MIND WHILE WATCHING WATCHMEN



(This is arranged in chronological order... And don't worry about spoilers. Read with confidence... This only has ambiguous in-jokes for people who have read the book.)

- This is a very arresting opening.

- Heh. Heh... Issue! blah, blah, blah, Issue! That's great.

- Hey... fidelity be damned. This is a tremendous way to open a picture!

- Wow... The hype about the title sequence turned out to be 100% on point. This is possibly the best opening credits sequence I've ever seen. It actually tells a story. I had heard about the song choice and was concerned it would be too laid back and lack the propulsive force to bring you into a movie like this. Not so. This is brilliant.

- Giggle... They have it both ways for fans who are disappointed it doesn't start exactly like the book.

- I'm actually watching this. This is coming to life on a movie screen. I'm not dreaming this.

- Ok... So they're actually called "The Watchmen." Yeah, that's perfectly reasonable and I don't want to be the dick that complains about that. Besides, it beats having to explain the concept of Quis custodiet ipsos custodes to an audience in a movie that's already pretty packed with information.

- Am I the only one who finds these little moments with Rorschach kind of really funny? It's the "comic relief" that some critics seem to feel is lacking.

- I keep clapping and giggling. I'm like one of those toy monkeys that crash cymbals together.

- I'm actually kind of glad I'm seeing this alone for the first time. (Fuck that handful of Chileans in the theater - they don't know me.) This inexcusable behavior would have been pretty fucking embarrassing.

- Gugino's age makeup? Not great... And her big scene with Blake has been slightly overhyped. Though it's definitely powerful stuff.

- Ok... Malin Akerman has to be the sexiest thing I've ever fucking seen.

- Some of this stuff is playing out quicker than I would have liked. But 400-odd pages in just under 3 hours is hard enough without my pointless bitching. I look forward to the Director's Cut.

- Jeffrey Dean Morgan is getting a lot of mileage out of his part. People will remember him.

- Ok. Seriously developing a huge boner for Malin Akerman.

- Dr. Manhattan is making me feel terribly inadequate.

- Was that bone protruding through flesh? This is a violent fucking movie.

- Ok. Not really on board with that Nixon.

- How about that? A superhero adventure film with an esoteric Kubrickian 10 minute montage shoehorned into it... I can feel the mall crowds scratching their heads.

- Christ! This is some seriously gory shit!

- Jackie Earl Haley is the greatness.

- I'm surprised something this exposition-heavy and loaded with minutae is working so well, but it is. The narration is brilliantly handled.

- Are people going to get that a muzak version of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" is playing during this particular scene?

- "Plot twists" are coming off as predictably set up for me. But I can't judge that because I know it going in... Though that one scene (avoiding spoilers) seemed too obvious to me. Need to see this with a virgin.

- This is sweet. I am actually identifying with Nite Owl. I am moved by this subplot... He is me. And... (in-joke for friends in the know).

- Watchmen is actually TERRIFIC date movie material! If I'm dating anyone come May (Doubt it), I will take her to see this. If she hates it, I'll never call her again.

- Predictably, Rorschach will be the breakout character. Haley's delivery of all his "witticisms" is spot-on. And the character is just fascinating.

- Too bad about the downsizing of the psychiatrist. It's the role Reginald Veljohnson was born to play. Who's this asshole? Anyway...

- No Kitty Genovese reference. Could have been cool and resonant. Director's Cut?

- Wow! The kidnapping thing was MUCH more brutal than in the book! Holy shit!

- Loving the score by Tyler Bates, by the way. Must buy score. The musical soundtrack? Hurm. I'll end up buying it but I wish they'd chosen some more evocative pieces.

- All that stuff with Big Figure ... Who says there's no humor in this?

- THAT is insanely sexy! This is definitely date movie material. If I'm not dating anyone in May, I'll force myself into a relationship.

- This is actually a lot of fun and very entertaining... I don't really see what all the gloom and doom complaining is about. Were they expecting a fucking Disney movie or something? Jesus!

- I'm surprised how much of the book is actually in this.

- Hey... All things considered, this is still a really action-packed movie. Because the action is really visceral and well-done. Very satisfying stuff.

- "Excuse me. I have to use the men's room." HA HA HA HAAAAAHHHH!!!!  Humorless? Go fuck yourselves.

- Very cute moment between Nite Owl and Rorschach. Wilson and Haley are definitely the stars of the film. But that's how it should be. Their characters carry the narrative. This is great... Zach Snyder really nailed this shut.

- Just realized... Not enough Hollis Mason. His character is almost pointless. Director's Cut?

- I missed "only once." Director's Cut?

- Didn't really like the way they handled that revelatory scene between Jon and Laurie. It could have been paced better. Director's Cut?

- However, the ineffectiveness is made effective by Billy Crudup's brilliant monolgue. I think I got a lump in my throat.

- Bubastis was definitely short changed. Will anyone give a shit? Director's cut?

- The "New Ending" is great. I mean, it's not actually a new ending. I don't get what all the fuss is about. It's the same ending, just done in a different way. And, actually, much more resonant and effective for the narrative arc of the film. You actually care and it makes the conundrum much easier to grasp and follow. This was a brilliant concession from the screenwriters. I love this ending.

- Now THAT was more emotional and gutwrenching than I expected. Good job guys!

- Not enough Minutemen and Gugino is a glorified cameo. Director's cut?

- Wow! That was fucking intense. 2 hours and 40 minutes? Really?

- Yeah... Really liking that Desolation Row cover. That's one reason to buy the soundtrack at least.

- Hmmm. I wonder if I live in a world where a thoughtful, idea-packed, dense film like this is actually a blockbuster. Probably not. But at least I have a Watchmen movie that I can be proud to call by that name. Good job you fucking people... You pulled it off.

- Shit. I have to wait until May to see this again.

- Fuck.



2:35pm - I leave the theater on an ecstatic high (see blurry picture above) and anxious to speak to someone I care about to just say out loud that I fucking loved the movie... I spend a few moments walking around the mall looking for a pay phone.

3:05pm - I call a friend in La Paz and interrupt her during a wedding (not hers, but still). I feel like a shithead. I apologize profusely and she whispers not to worry and call back in a half hour if I want to talk.

4:15pm - I call back. I simply say something to the effect of "Themoviewasfuckingamazing... Telleveryonetogettogethertomorrowforbeers! Iwannaraveaboutit!" I must sound like a fucking turd.

5:00pm - I head to a quaint little restaurant across the highway, which is facing the beach. It's called La Nueva Estancia. I order a seafood stew with an ice cold mug of (I guess) Chile's finest lager on tap to wash it down.



Goddamn if it isn't the most scrumtious fucking thing I've ever eaten. It's better than this morning's Egg McMuffin, which was - up to that point - the best thing I had ever eaten.

6:00pm - I take a brief walk along the beach that is across from the highway. It is quiet. The sun is setting... And I find myself humming Peggy Lee's "Is That All There Is?"

8:00pm - Night now. I head back to the Iquique terminal to board my bus back to La Paz. At the newsstand, I notice this month's issue of Conozca Mas. (The Latin American equivalent of Omni - or, rather, it used to be until it became the Latin American equivalent of Maxim minus the T&A) It has a cover story on Watchmen. I buy a copy and board the bus.

9:00pm - Ready to leave. This time I have no seating companion. And the bus is relatively empty. This is good. EXCEPT - The bus is now mostly filled with drunken indigenous Bolivians (at least in my immediate vicinity) that make me understand why there is so much social resentment and classism in this country. Not condoning this, you understand. But, for a few minutes at least, I "get it."

9:20pm - The bus leaves the terminal as the drunks yammer on. After one of them spent 20 minutes screaming at the top of his lungs for the bus to move already. The only thing I can do is return to my iPod. I have no interest in watching Saving Private Ryan on the 13 inch television hanging from the ceiling. Much rather have Morrissey distract me with this track from Ringleader of the Tormentors...



I am sure that when we reach Arica, more assholes will board the bus and my comfort will be short lived.

SUNDAY - MARCH 8TH

8:30am - We arrive to Bolivia... I am astonished to find I slept like a baby most of the way. And no one ever bothered me. Time to do the customs thing again. The only thing I have to declare is that Watchmen is a great fucking movie.

This is also a rest stop where the people sitting near me decide to buy some food. The food they choose is some highly-condimented pork with corn, potatoes and rice - all served in a plastic bag. Breakfast of champions.

So now I must ride the next 4 hours to La Paz in a bus that reeks of death. And with Perfume - Story of a Murderer playing on the 13 inch screen. I notice that George is at the customs area. I think he even buys himself some of that pork. So I've truly come full circle...

But he sits at the front of the bus... And I isolate myself once again with my iPod and Aimee Mann where I last left her. Halfway through the I'm With Stupid album...

Yes. It was a good fucking movie.

Worth 32 hours on an unpleasant bus?

Name anything that is.
]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Mon, 09 Mar 2009 00:00:00 EDT http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1602/Day-Of-Iquique-The-Watchmen-Experience-3.html <![CDATA[Day Of Iquique: The Watchmen Experience (2)]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1601/Day-Of-Iquique-The-Watchmen-Experience-2.html Do not read this yet if you haven't seen PART 1.



Now then...


SATURDAY - MARCH 7TH


5:45am - The bus pulls into the Iquique terminal. I'm still on Bolivia time. So it's a quarter to five on my clock. The bus is nice enough to just dock there with the lights out and let us sleep until sunrise.

Merciful GOD... George decides he's had enough and gets up and LEAVES. I can now, at last, stretch my legs. I return to Within Temptation and proceed to nap for a bit.

7:45am - The sun is out. (Jesus!) So, I step off the bus and out to the terminal parking lot area. It's magnificently shitty. Especially when compared with the Eurotrash bus terminal in La Paz. As you can plainly see...



Also... it reeks vaguely of urine. Is that the ocean breeze, blowing in from the lovely coasts of Iquique?

Nah...

I'm banking on plain old ordinary piss, thank you very much. What a lovely way to start the day.

8:30am - After freshening up (No shower in the terminal bathroom but I managed) and changing to my necessary Watchmen attire, I walk out and eventually find a bus that will take me to the mall.

On the way there, I get a chance to do some "sightseeing" through my bus window. And I can safely say, without risk of exaggeration, that Iquique is a perfectly hideous fucking place. It reminds me of Jersey... No. Worse... Hicksville - Long Island, let's say. Just one horrendous street after another on a bus that is playing 2Pac (featuring Dr. Dre) performing their 90s standard California Love at 8:30 in the fucking morning.



I'd take pictures but there's no point, really. Just picture New Jersey after a hurricane... Picture Long Island after a devastating flood... Picture Albany after an earthquake. That's Iquique. But it has palm trees, which I guess is nice.

Oh what the hell... Maybe just a little taste.



Decadence... Thy name is Iquique.



But, you know? In a weird way, this is very appropriate. I'm going to a MALL to watch a movie. The times I've done that in the U.S., I've either been in Jersey or Long Island. So -- this feels like home.



Home sweet home...

8:45am - And then I see that most international of symbols that signifies a man's arrival into civilization... THE GOLDEN ARCHES!

Across from the mall is a sight for sore eyes. As I realize that I will be having breakfast at Mickey D's!

I have not set foot in a McDonald's establishment in over 3 years (not available in Bolivia). Some would say this is, in fact, a blessing. And it is. But now, I MUST have an Egg McMuffin and jet black watered-down coffee. Because I'm in Lawn Guyland about to see Watchmen in a fucking mall! Besides, all I had to eat yesterday was a tube of Pringles. So you might say I'm moving up in the world.



9:05am - For some reason, this Egg McMuffin is the best fucking thing I've ever eaten in my life!

9:30 to 11:00am - I wander the vicinity of the mall (there's a KFC too, by the way) and marvel at the fact that most businesses don't open until after 10. The mall, in fact, won't be open until 11. I know it's Saturday, but still... This is all making the wait more tedious than it needs to be. I walk into a supermarket and buy some citrus-flavored Vitamin Water and walk around some more before heading back to the theater.

11:15am - I purchase my ticket for Watchmen at the booth.



A man is there with his son who can't be more than 7 years old. The kid points excitedly at that big cardboard Watchmen display and says: "Ooohhh... Dad! THAT'S the one I wanna see!" It seems that The Comedian and his flame thrower are a great selling point for the kids. Personally, I can't wait to get a look at that particular Happy Meal playset.

But anyway... I hear this and immediately turn my head towards Dad and say: "No way, man... This movie is not for kids. Very strong... SEX. VIOLENCE. The works... Don't even think about bringing your kid in to see this." Daddy nods in agreement, showing himself to be a reasonable and decent man, while the kid makes some comment about putting lifts in his shoes.

Now... I really don't give a flying fuck about how this Chilean gentleman chooses to raise his children. But, having come all this way, I DO NOT want some fucking kid in the theater ruining my experience.

The matinée ticket costs 2400 pesos - about $4.50. Keep this in mind.

11:25am - I go in the theater lobby and purchase a medium popcorn and soda. The attendant at the concession stand sees my smiley t-shirt and is intuitive enough to ask, rhetorically, if I am a fan. I smile at her and nod. I choose not to go into the details of the exact circumstances of my being here this morning. She already knows I'm clearly a rabid fan... I'd rather she not also think I'm a stupid asshole.

Though, make no mistake, I have no shame in what I'm doing.

Anyway... My purchase here comes to 3200 pesos - some 6 dollars. I realize that the snacks cost more than the movie ticket. I really am home.



Interesting popcorn, by the way. I wasn't given a choice but it's like Cracker Jacks Lite... No peanuts. I just find it interesting that I'll be eating sweetened kiddie popcorn while watching WATCHMEN.

...And you can read all about that in PART 3.


]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Mon, 09 Mar 2009 00:00:00 EDT http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1601/Day-Of-Iquique-The-Watchmen-Experience-2.html <![CDATA[Day Of Iquique: The Watchmen Experience]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1597/Day-Of-Iquique-The-Watchmen-Experience.html Preface... What follows is not really a review. I thought, in my particular case, it would be more interesting to detail the experience of viewing Watchmen as opposed to just running through my critical view of the film. In a way, this serves as a bonus side-chapter to my Days Of Llojeta series. Like... If that were Watchmen, this would be its Tales of the Black Freighter. And it's appropriate, as that series details my frustrations and experiences living in La Paz, Bolivia. Because the epic you are about to read comes as a direct result of that experience.

Basically, Watchmen is being distributed internationally by Paramount Pictures. So that means that it's being distributed internationally by UIP. This company no longer has official representation in Bolivia because a man named Luis Salles had no idea how to run a business and eventually ran his film distribution company into the ground. Nice man... But he fucked his business is what I'm saying. Okay... It doesn't help that UIP covers only Paramount, DreamWorks and Universal. And that's all he had. Whereas, the other big Bolivian distributor, Manfer Films, gets Warner Brothers, Fox, MGM/UA, Disney and Columbia (Sony Pictures) and has a monopoly on most Bolivian theaters. Okay... So maybe it wasn't really his fault.

But anyway... All UIP releases have since been brought over here by the Peruvian distributor. Now, in the case of, say Transformers or Hulk or Indy 4, there's no problem because the commercial viability of those products is proven. Not so with Watchmen. So, the Peruvian distributor didn't order all that many copies... They'll let it make the rounds throughout Peru and bounce it over here in May.

What that means is that, in Bolivia, Watchmen will open head to head with Wolverine, Terminator 4, Angels & Demons and Star Trek.

So much for Watchmen.

Now... I don't particularly care about the commercial success of this film. Though, it would be nice to see it do well. But there was no way I was going to wait 2 months to see this movie. (But Erik... You've been waiting 15 years. What's 2 more months? Fuck you. It's my favorite comic of all time, I'm seeing it opening weekend!)

As luck would have it, there is a small town in Chile called Iquique. Go ahead... Click on that link and read about it. It's a town known as being a trade port where you can get tax-free merchandise and is the port of entry for contraband into Bolivia. It also has a multiplex mall that happens to be playing Watchmen... So, basically, in order to see this film I had to travel to another country. What follows is a journal of that experience. I would have done it in the style of Rorschach but, frankly, I'm just not that cool.

So... Here we go.

FRIDAY- MARCH 6TH

11:45am - I arrive to the La Paz bus terminal. It's an interesting place... Designed by the same guy who designed all the train stations in Europe. So, steppping up to it you kind of feel like if you're in a Jason Bourne movie directed by Robert Rodriguez.



Before gettiing on the bus, I purchase a tube of jalapeño-flavored Pringles (a decision I will be very glad for later), some cherry-flavored mineral water and a drug called Gravol - to help with motion sickness... Essential for the 16-hour bus ride that awaits me.

12:30pm - I board the bus. ... It's not quite the palatial experience (Almost like a jumbo jet!) I was promised by friends and family who had taken a bus to Chile before... Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I chose Bolivian company Nuevo Continente (cheaper) as opposed to the more celebrated ChileBus. This bus looks like a regular Bolivian bus. Like one used for a 3hr ride to the countryside.

And I have a window seat, which is fantastic.

But my companion on the aisle seat has legs the size of tree trunks and a torso bigger than God. I will be here for the next 16 hours... I'm praying this movie is fucking good.

12:44pm -The bus leaves the terminal. I switch on my Aimee Mann playlist (All her work in chronological order, beginning with the 'Til Tuesday albums.) Here we go... Love in a Vacuum.

Couldn't embed Love in a Vacuum... But here's the signature track from the Voices Carry album. The 5th track on the disc. The one you've probably actually heard before in your life.



1:15pm - Riding through the El Alto sector of La Paz, leaving the city, we drive past this thing I didn't know about called Campo Ferial. It's like El Alto's own little version of Coney Island's Astro Park. (RIP, by the way) It's a piece of shit, but at least it exists.

(At this point, my seating companion is eyeing my tube of Pringles as if it were Manna directly from Heaven - I don't have the heart to tell him I plan on making it my "dinner." Maybe I'll give him 1 or 2 chips this evening.)

1:20pm - We arrive to a mini terminal in El Alto to pick up more passengers. My seating companion (I think I'll call him George) gets up to stretch his legs. I thank the blessed Lord that this happens. A street preacher promptly hops on the bus and starts yapping something about "food for the soul" - I take that as an odd "you're welcome" from the man upstairs. But, as George comes back not 3 minutes later, I realize it doesn't matter.

The bus starts moving again and Jimmy Swaggart over there won't shut the fuck up and please leave...

This movie better be fucking good!

1:40pm - "Lunch" is served. George is pleased. When I see that it consists of a piece of steak, a fried egg, some plaintains, rice and tomato - all cold, by the way - I realize that I will be eating Pringles for lunch.

"Dessert" is included in the plastic tray and consists of two candies - one coffee, the other cola flavored - which I pocket. I offer George a second helping, promising that I "haven't touched my food." He says, surprisingly, "no thank you." I return my lunch tray to the stewardess. (Bus Attendant? I'll have to look it up, I guess.)

2:15pm - Time for the in-bus entertainment. And this afternoon's first selection (there will be more) is - wait for it - FINAL DESTINATION... I thank the stars I am not riding Nuevo Continente Airlines and decide I have no interest in watching Final Destination dubbed into Spanish on a 13-inch Daewoo television hanging from the ceiling. I pop my earphones back in, turn on Within Temptation (thanks again, by the way - I owe you one) and divert my attention to the window once again... I doze off halfway through Stand My Ground...



4:45pm - The rat bastard, douchebag, motherfucker sitting in front of me, who I hope has a heart attack and dies as soon as we arrive to Chile, decides to recline his seat farther back... It slams into my knees, startling me awake with a yelp of pain. He cranes his neck to look at me with a dickhead expression on his face but says nothing. Once again I wish death upon him. Then return to the Aimee Mann playlist where I left off. Halfway through 'Til Tuesday's Welcome Home album.

This movie better be really fucking good!

5:15pm - Customs. I have nothing to declare, except I'm coming all the way into your lovely country just to see a fucking movie. Can we hurry this up?



At least while waiting for all the customs rigmarole to be over and done with, I have an opportunity to stretch my legs. The man on the left side is Douchey McDouche - AKA: Asshole who broke my legs and woke me up about an hour ago.

8:45pm - We arrive to a Chilean province called Parmacota - to a kind of rest stop to get food and some such. I realize that I have no Chilean currency and can therefore purchase nothing. I guess it's time to gobble up the rest of those Pringles.

11:00pm - We arrive to Arica, Chile. Il Douche and like 2 or 3 others leave the bus. I realize that all hope of George leaving me to enjoy the rest of this journey in comfort is lost. I attempt to go back to sleep. This is made difficult by the sounds of The Incredible Hulk - starring Edward Norton, now playing on the 13-inch television. Earlier today they played 50 First Dates and National Treasure (the first one - the one people actually liked). Neither one played through to the end. But, this time, it's playing through to the end... And beyond. Because when it gets to the end, the DVD loops back and starts playing again from the beginning. And it takes the slumbering bus attendant 45 minutes to realize this and shut the fucking thing off...

The sounds of Sarah Brightman help me in my attempts to slumber.



This movie better be fucking fantastic!

The adventure continues... In PART 2.


]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Sun, 08 Mar 2009 00:00:00 EST http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1597/Day-Of-Iquique-The-Watchmen-Experience.html <![CDATA[By The Time You Read This, It Will Be Irrelevant]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1582/By-The-Time-You-Read-This-It-Will-Be-Irrelevant.html Which is not to say it isn't already... I certainly don't place much value in my own opinions for anyone other than myself. But I do always try and write a blog or two about this subject every year. And the subject I am referring to is the Academy Awards. I have only just now gotten around to watching the five nominated films and I wanted to post my thoughts about that. Hey... Maybe tomorrow I'll even post a little top ten list of what I consider to be the best films of 2008. Or, in any case, the best that I saw. How's that for timing?

So... As I was saying, I finally got to see the five nominated films and here they are in the order I saw them in.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
David Fincher exploded onto the movie scene by attempting to make a popcorn movie on his own terms. That film was Alien 3. The fact that he didn't succeed led him down a path making decidedly unconventional genre films, culminating in his masterpiece - Zodiac. And so it's interesting to me that he should come full circle now and be let into the pantheon of mainstream acceptance with this, his most staggeringly commercial and safe film. It's almost a kid's movie this thing. What surprises me is that all signs pointed to it being an odd, surreal movie. The subject matter certainly lent itself to that treatment. Instead you have this cute little epic about a guy aging in reverse. There have been comparisons made with Forrest Gump. They are apt and predictable and I won't bother to repeat them here. It's a film I enjoyed without being as completely enraptured as I hoped I would be. In the months leading up to it, I was hoping it would be Fincher's best film. Instead, I found it to be his worst. Not because it's bad. It's actually quite good. But I don't want Fincher to make movies I can take my grandmother to see. And as for Pitt? Good performance. But a lot of it is a cute accent and some dazzling special effects. I would not want Brad Pitt getting a reward for this. If the film doesn't win best visual effects, though, that's another story.

The Reader
Forget the silly and pointless German accents of the two British actors. Forget the cold, efficient professionalism of the filmmaking, which reveals this as a classic Miramax picture from the late 90's. You know... The ones that used to clean up at awards time when people still gave a shit about the Weinsteins. You know... Back when they could still get arrested. And forget that this movie will probably get dick. Other than Winslet... Maybe. And, I have to say, deservedly so. Anyway... Forget all that. I want to talk about myself and how glad I am that I watched this movie completely alone on a rainy afternoon in my bedroom. I am glad this happened because the last half hour of the picture would have been embarrassing beyond belief.

I'll explain...

I had read the novel years ago and found it to be a crisp, engaging read. Interesting story, good writing.

But I was not moved. I was simply engaged.

I sat down to watch the film knowing beat for beat what would happen, the memory of the novel still fresh in my mind. And then the film started into its final 30 minutes and I found that I began to weep buckets.

Buckets, I tell you.

I don't know why, exactly, but the movie worked on me. This is buckets we're talking about here, remember? There I was, sitting in my chair rocking back and forth with my head in my hands, shaking and sputtering... And terribly glad no one was there to see it happen.

So, it's not a great film. But, for me at least, it was an effective one. And all that talk about it asking the audience to sympathize with a Nazi is a bunch of bunk. It is a movie about choices. We all make them at one time or another and they will always have a profound consequence. And our past inevitably shapes our present. This is what the movie is about. That one of the characters was a Nazi does not mean that they were not also just a flawed human being who made a bad choice.

But, anyway, when that montage began with Ralph Fiennes and the tapes and all that, a nerve was struck and I was weeping. I will always remember that about the experience of watching The Reader. Even as I may forget the film itself.

Milk
More weeping. But this time of a different kind. The type you do on the inside with a grapefruit swelling at your throat... You are taken from Harvey Milk's intimate 40th birthday celebration to the heartbreaking vigil to grieve his death and what an exquisite journey that is. Funny, moving... And even when walking soap opera Diego Luna stops in for a snack you put up with him because the rest of the company is just so damn pleasant.

This is absolutely a movie about its performances. Sean Penn is excellent and he is joined by a tremendous cast. Emile Hirsch blew me the fuck away. James Franco did not disappoint. And Josh Brolin's somewhat over-the-top portrayal of homophobia was very appropriate for the character he was playing.

Terrific period detail from Gus Van Sant and his production crew. A solid, effectively told biopic. We are drawn into this man's crusade... We glimpse his life and we mourn his passing. And it's all done with honesty. I ask for truth in the movies I watch. Even the bad ones. Even the guilty pleasures... Commando has truth.

So does this.

Frost/Nixon
And speaking of truth...

I did not expect to be so entertained by a movie that is essentially a group of angry people trying to wring an apology out of an asshole and succeeding.

That's all it is. It's people saying "Apologize, you fuck!" for two hours... Then: "Apology accepted, you fucking prick." Roll credits.

Along the way, we are reminded, much more eloquently and succintly than Oliver Stone and his 7 and a half hour biopic of some years ago, that Richard Milhous Nixon was a deeply sad man. It's not necessary to hate him when we can simply pity. In some ways, it's a worse punishment for his crimes. He always thought he was a loser. Treat him like one.

Again... Good performances are what this movie is about. Totally blown away by Sheen and Langella in the title roles. Frank Langella gets all the attention because it's the Oscar bait "full retard" part. But Michael Sheen matches him beat for beat with his portrayal of a charismatic man who is more shrewd and intelligent than even he himself realizes.

Oliver Platt is great. Sam Rockwell is terrific... Toby Jones is spectacular in his small role. And Kevin Bacon is his usual reliable self.

It's all about the performances and one of the most professional movies Ron Howard has made. I get the feeling that, although this feels like a little break between his glossy blockbusters, this is the sort of picture Howard wishes he could make more often.

Slumdog Millionaire
And, finally, the big cheese. The head honcho. The one to beat and all that.

Yes. It's entertaining. Yes. It's energetic. It's a great feel-good film. Everything I heard basically turned out to be true. And yet...

Look. Don't get me wrong. It's probably going to win the award. And of the nominated films I'd say it's the one that may deserve it. (Though Milk is no slouch either. But bare asses and dicks seem to make the Academy nervous. Just ask Ang Lee.) Okay... So this is the one. I guess we all agree. Ben Button has all the spectacle and astounding technical proficiency in its attempt to be Forrest Gump meets Titanic. But this one has the soul. This one is all about the warmth. And, very often, Oscars are all about that warmth. They walked out of the theater grinning like morons, then waltzed over to Sam Goody to buy a copy of the soundtrack. This is the world we live in (oh-ooohhh-oh!). People embraced this movie because it is exotic yet accessible. Also, it's a popcorn movie that makes you feel smart because it's shaped like an arthouse movie.

So it's the best of both worlds I guess. You don't have to be "ashamed" to say you loved this one. It's not like admitting to liking some rags-to-riches "chick flick" with Jennifer Aniston and/or Drew Barrymore. Even though, stripped of all its ornamentation and social context, it's basically the same thing. A guy goes on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? to impress a girl. And there's nice photography and shots of the Taj Mahal and all that.

Wonderful. It's why Edison invented the camera. I get it.

People really like fairy tales. And Danny Boyle made one they can be proud to say they liked. Basically, stop bashing Twilight. I haven't seen it. And probably won't. But I imagine that if Twilight took place in Timbuktu or something and was about a feud between two tribes and a romance in the middle of it, that film would be the toast of the town for all your friends who go to the Angelica and have a cappuccino while waiting for the theater to open.

...
Ok. So, all in all. I am still surprised The Dark Knight wasn't nominated. It is a terrific crime thriller and as good as any of these films right here. I am well aware of the shit I may get on the boards for admitting this and I don't care: I consider it the best movie of 2008. I have not had the chance to see The Wrestler yet. From what I've heard, that seems to be the only one that would potentially bring it down for me. And, although I have not seen it to know for sure, I want Mickey Rourke to get the award on general principle. I like the guy. And the idea of The Expendables being sold on the strength of "Academy Award winner Mickey Rourke" just makes me gooey.

And that's that.

Tonight, I will watch Hugh Jackman host an Oscar telecast and have the usual fun. Who gets the highest applause on the In Memoriam? My money's on Newman. But, Don LaFontaine will bring the house down too. Just you watch.

Let's pretend we're watching it together.

Yup. I actually said that. 

]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Sun, 22 Feb 2009 00:00:00 EST http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1582/By-The-Time-You-Read-This-It-Will-Be-Irrelevant.html <![CDATA[Days Of Llojeta #5: If The Stores Are All Closed, With A Word She Can Get What She Came For]]> http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1487/Days-Of-Llojeta-5-If-The-Stores-Are-All-Closed-With-A-Word-She-Can-Get-What-She-Came-For.html Yeah. It's been a while, I know. Anyway, fuck it... As you know (and if you don't - feel free to catch up by reading episodes 1 to 4 of this "series"), I work out at my buddy Ramiro's house in Llojeta.

Now then, it's a very big house with lots of space and, sometimes, I stay over. I get to pretend I'm 15 years old again (Yay! Mom, can I sleep over? Please?) Ok... I stopped asking permission that way probably when I was 13. But I think my point is clear. And, in case it isn't, my point is that I spend entirely more time in the neighborhood of Llojeta than any reasonable human being probably should. That I spend most of that time cooped up in a nice house playing video games and watching Steven Seagal movies on a 40 inch Sony Bravia, doesn't completely mask the fact that Llojeta is not a nice place to be... All the time.

But I'm not here to talk about how much Llojeta sucks. That may be the general thrust of this series, but I want to focus on something else. For reasons that will become very apparent, this blog goes well with Feel So Good. Embedded - as you damn well know - at the bottom of this page.

Thing is... I want to tell you about Ninja Lady and her corner store. She's not an actual ninja, far as I can tell. She's a Christian or a Mormon or a Christian Mormon Who Believes In The Power Of Jesus or maybe just plain old ordinary Catholic. The point being, she believes in God and His son Jesus. That is not a bad thing... Whatever works, as they say, and stay out of my way. But Ninja Lady is annoying for another reason. First of all, take a look at this. This is the store and it's around the corner from Ram's house.



Now, apart from the fact that this is a hideous building (Didn't you hear? The Russell Stover raspberry/blueberry fudge combo went out in, like, 1997 - or perhaps earlier) I think it's pretty clear to see that the store is closed.

Yeah... Well... It's always like that.

Not literally always. But, basically, it breaks down like this: Ram and I get off the bus and walk towards his house. On the way, we see that Tienda Bazar Libreria is open. The gate is up... And we can see that, somewhere in the back, Ninja Lady is sitting behind the counter with her radio on listening to Marcos Witt. Who? He's the Mexican easy-listening equivalent of, say, Carman. And if you don't know who that is, look him up on YouTube because I'm not going to do it for you. I can safely say that Carman will never be a listening suggestion for one of these blogs. Not even if I'm trying to be cheeky like with Passionate Kisses, which is actually a nice feel good song and better than anything performed by Carman. Simply put, I'd embed The Third Day (and I might, eventually) before I'd embed Carman. And that has nothing to do with religion. I'm not religious... But Carman sucks even if I was.


Self Explanatory

You know what?

They both suck.

Anyway, back to the story... We see the store is open as we pass. We arrive to Ram's house. I go over to his bull terrier Butch and punch him in the face while calling him my bitch (this is ritual, you understand). Then we go inside and notice that we're out of Coke and we are thirsty. (As I wrote that, I realized what that sounded like... I don't mean that coke. I mean Coke.)

Okay. Literally 7, maybe 8, minutes have passed. We go back to Tienda Bazar Libreria and see that it is now closed. The time is 3:27pm.

Does that make any sense to you? It's not even Sunday.

So we have to go all the way down to the avenue to see if there are any other open stores... And there are. But not so conveniently located. And then, later in the evening, we see that TBL is open again.

And that's why we call her Ninja Lady. Because she does things in the blink of an eye and there is an air of mystery to her. But not the kind of mystery you want to discover... Not Who Killed Laura Palmer? Or Who Shot JR? (Or Mr. Burns, for that matter) Or What Is The Circumference? Where's Waldo? Not that kind of mystery...

Just the arbitrary mystery of What The FUCK! Does Ninja Lady Do That She Needs To Open And Close Her Store At Odd Hours?

That's not the kind of cliffhanger that insures you tune in next season. So fuck Ninja Lady. I don't know what Jesus would do. But I say fuck Ninja Lady.

Which brings me to the tangent of how much I miss the convenience of American consumerism.
Xmas came and went (it does that) and so we were all concerned with the true meaning of Xmas... Which is to spend money so we can buy things for ourselves and our loved ones - to show how much we love them as much as we love ourselves.

Because nothing says "I love you" more than an expensive gift. A piece of stereo equipment, a Playstation 3, a widescreen Sony plasma... these things say: "I love you very much." A DVD box set, a videogame, good music CDs... these things say "I love you." A book, a funny page-a-day calendar, a really cool item of clothing... these things say: "I think you're cool." Flowers, a knick-knack or a box of chocolates... you may as well say: "Fuck you."

And all these things I mentioned? The cool things. Not the fucking chocolates or knick-knacks... The cool things? Impossible to come by down here. Oh, the equipment? Sure... Just go up to the black market and you'll find most of that stuff at decent prices. Except video game systems. They may as well shove a hot poker up your ass with that one. Nintendo Wii - 450 dollars. You follow?

But, basically, if you want a DVD box set, an actual videogame, music CD... All we have are bootlegs. Oh, there are import houses where you can go and they will order you original items through Amazon.com or Ebay or what have you. But what that usually means is that you'll end up paying 47 dollars for a copy of Chinese Democracy.

Haven't been back home in 2 years. I used to spend half the year in NY and half the year here. But now I am severely out to pasture as far as keeping up with my materialistic consumer needs.

This may change in a couple of months when I get my corporate credit card (No. I have no intention of impressing you). Then I'll just order shit on Amazon and have it shipped down to me... But I'll still have to deal with the customs officials at the La Paz post office that want to charge me 5 dollars tax on that copy of Infinite Jest because it weighs a fucking ton.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, as far as I'm concerned...


...this...

...is as true a representation of the Bolivian shopping experience as you're likely to find for an anal-retentive collector consumer geek such as myself. So maybe it's Ninja Lady's way of making a conceptual artistic statement.




Yeah... Fuck Ninja Lady.
]]> no@spam.com (Erik Antoine) Sun, 28 Dec 2008 00:00:00 EST http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1487/Days-Of-Llojeta-5-If-The-Stores-Are-All-Closed-With-A-Word-She-Can-Get-What-She-Came-For.html