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How to be a Geek and Have Friends: Part 3 - Comics

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:00:00 EDT

At last, the comic book geek. Ten years ago comic book readers were forced to find shelter in a cave, hide behind an alter ego, and wander alone and ashamed through a world that wanted nothing to do with them. How times have changed. With ComicCon's transformation into a mainstream media affair and Hollywood backing all sorts of comic book adaptations, comic book geeks can finally start to show their true colors. But fan boys still have to tread lightly, lest they fall into the trappings of stereotype (such as the Simpson's "Comic Book Guy"). So how does a person with a certain love for the illustrated word manage to maintain social acceptance? Well, there's a couple of base rules to follow.

Specific Comics Knowledge is Not Cool - Look, it's great that you know the exact issue in which a character discovered that if they use their power in a certain way that they can generate enough energy to negate the atmospheric photons of Venus for exactly twenty-two minutes. No one else cares. Memorizing nuances connected to issue numbers and obscure pointless character trivia dating back to the 1940's will do nothing but prove to others how very pretentious you are. That kind of flaunting alienates others and serves as a character flaw that isn't tolerated outside of comic book knowledge, let alone in an area of culture that still isn't fully accepted.

Elitism is Only Acceptable to a Certain Point - Take a minute to consider a conversation conducted with friends, co-workers, or family. Is a holier-than-thou attitude appreciated by those people? Would they accept that your opinion is the alpha and omega of the universe? Probably not. The same goes when discussing comics, yet all too often does a discussion devolve into "well this book is awesome and that book sucks". While this same logic could be used during any discussion concerning any genre of pop culture, it's even more important to keep this is mind when discussing comics in order to avoid further negative stereotypes falling upon the readers who do behave themselves.

Know How to Recommend a Title - The more people that read comic books, the more the genre will grow. So, turning more people onto the medium is somewhat important to the future of the industry. It falls to fans, for the most part, to impart their recommendations and viewpoints to people that have never before touched a trade paperback. However, it's incredibly counterproductive to start telling everyone to read Superman (for example) because not everyone wants to read a book about a guy in tights. It's the duty of a responsible geek to be able to gauge the interests of his friends and be able to recommend an appropriate title.

Read the Right Titles - Depending on how big of a comic book geek you are, you might be picking up a different number of titles a month, or you might only pick up graphic novels or books in trade paperback. Superhero books may or may not be your thing. Either way, each catagory has its essential reading. Especially in the age of the superhero movie, when many people who have never read a comic before might be asking what it's all about, it's very important to know the best of the best. Haven't read Watchmen yet? Get on it before it's too late (when the hype explodes around the time of the film's release). Enjoyed the recent Batman franchise? Know where it came from by reading Batman: Year One and The Killing Joke. But the right titles aren't just the classics. They could also be the best of the current releases. Find out who the best authors are and follow their stuff if the plot line/synopsis seems interesting.

It's a good time to be a comic book fan. Better than ever before, actually. Just don't be a prick about it, and don't give other fans a bad name. For more comic book discussion, or if you just want recommendations, be sure to check out CHUD's comic forums.

Up Next in this Series: Gaming!

GenCon Indy '08

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 EDT

Another year has gone by and another trip from Chicago to Indianapolis and back has passed. Last year was my first experience with "the best four days in gaming", and now it seems like the convention will be another that I attend yearly. Unfortunately, due to the lack of free wifi, I couldn't give day-to-day updates concerning the sights and sounds of a whole lot of geeks gathered for a weekend but now that I'm back at my desk I'm going to do my best to sum up some of the highlights.

For those of you that don't know what GenCon is; GenCon is a gaming convention that brings in pretty much every aspect of the gaming life. Video games, board games, role-playing games (both live-action and tabletop), card games, party games, and much more can all be found on the convention floor. Various demonstrations, tournaments, and just-for-fun playing occurs in the various hallways and rooms within the convention center. GenCon is a geek paradise. So, I've made note of which things to look out for in various aspects of gaming.

Board Games: I saw a lot of new, innovative, and fun board games throughout my wanderings of the convention floor. Although a couple of the stood out enough for myself or one of my friends to pick it up. The prize of the show has to go to a game entitled Blasphemy: The Race to the Cross!. The basic, yet hilarious, premise is that each player moves a little Jesus figurine along the board -- through the various trials and places of the New Testament -- gathering followers and performing miracles. The first Jesus to make it to the cross (which is an actual game piece that you can place your Jesus on) is the true messiah. My favorite part of the game was some of the action cards that could be played such as "Heckle" which allows you to rudely voice your opinions about another Jesus' sermon. The only downside of the game is its price ($100), although the intricacies of the game and the detail put into the pieces are worth it. Plus, the game board is cloth which is rather nice.

Card Games: My favorite card game from the show was also one of the simplest. Yes, I've done the whole CCG (collectible card game) thing before, but I'm becoming more of a fan of something you can purchase and play without having to purchase more...until an expansion comes out. Anyhow, the simple game that I loved so much is called En Garde!. A whole group of people can play it, and with some simple mechanics the game mimes a pirate sword fight. Parry, riposte, and lunge your way to victory while having lots of fun. Perhaps my favorite part was a preview for a card that will come out in (hopefully) an expansion pack - "Inconceivable!" - which depicted a classic scene from one of our favorite pirate movies.

Video Games: The video game section had a rather weak showing this year. If I had to pick something that at least piqued my interest, it would have to be the trailer for Fable 2 that was being shown, which incidentally is the same one that was shown at E3 and is available online. Still, it was cool to see on the big screen. Also, they were handing out cards that would grant free downloadable content for Fable 2 once it became available.

Role-Playing Games (TableTop): I checked out a lot of role-playing books throughout the weekend, and picked up my fair share to try out, but my favorite by far is the game that I was most looking forward to; Hunter: The Vigil. It's a White Wolf 'World of Darkness' game, the newest in the line, and if you're at all familiar with the setting - basically the real world if you add in more corruption, vampires, werewolves, mages, etc - then I strongly urge you to pick this game up. There's a lot of really good content that can be used to either play in or run a game involving normal guys that decide to take some sort of stand against the creatures of the night (and of nightmares). It's full of secret organizations and conspiracies and just plain old fun, making itself a worthy edition to the World of Darkness.

Role-Playing Games (Live-Action): While its incredibly hilarious to watch certain groups run around with foam swords and bean bags that they throw at each other, I can't take that kind of LARPing seriously. Hell, until two years ago, I didn't think any LARPing could be serious. Yet, I've fallen in deep with White Wolf's Mind's Eye Theatre system. Every year at GenCon I now participate in the free LARP, which consists (mostly) of a group of normal people that want to have fun running around playing Vampire, Werewolf, or Mage. So, I did it again this year, and had a lot of fun. I can only humbly suggest that those out there give it a chance if they're curious, but you'd be much better off with finding something with some dedicate players who keep reality in check (like those of the GenCon Free LARP) rather than falling in with some of the freaks out there. And trust me, they are out there.

Anyhow, I'm back in the Chicagoland area and back to work. So expect my schedule to return to normal and to see some more movie reviews and ramblings from my in a timely matter in the future.

Stay tuned.

A Letter to a Comic Book Artist

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 00:00:00 EDT

About two weeks ago I wrote this letter, which I'd like to share with you all because it's somewhat of a review of a comic book that I believe everyone should be reading. Christopher Mitten is a very good comic book artist who does the art for Wasteland. He did send me a rather pleasant and grateful reply to the following letter, but requested (for valid reasons) that I don't post it. So, just let it be noted that the guy is pretty damn cool and does take the time to respond to his fans. Enjoy!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Mitten (or Christopher if you prefer);

While wandering the floor of Wizard World Chicago this year, I found myself in Artist's Alley without any real sense of direction or purpose. I never plan to spend much money in Artist's Alley, especially on random projects I've never heard of that now usually has to do with the oversaturated zombie comic book, but I keep my eye out for something truely unique. Sometimes I might buy a sketch, sometimes a book, but that's only if I somehow become genuinely intrigued and impressed by the artist's work and the story the book involves.

As I was shambling by, my gaze fell upon your table. More specifically, I spotted Queen & Country: Declassified Vol. 3. I've been a longtime fan of Rucka's espionage series, so I stopped on by. We started to discuss Q&C, and I was surprised that I had somehow missed this volumn. Once I found out that it centered around Poole, I had to pick it up (although, looking back, I was probably destined to part with my money the second I spotted the book).

To be honest, at this point I hadn't even really looked at your art. All I really did was a quick once-over, which I deemed satisfactory, Queen & Country was always more about the writing for me, stemming from my own inability to draw and my love for words. As long as I could follow the art, I was fine.

You were a pleasant conversationalist, but I had received what I had stopped by for. I turned slightly, one step closer to walking away. That's when you uttered the words I had been expecting the whole time. Almost everyone in Artist's Alley says the same thing when a conversation nears it's conclusion. It usually goes along the lines of "Oh, did you check this one out? This is [name of book], which is the main thing I've been working on, yadda yadda yadda..." Well, since you had been rather nice this whole time I turned back around and checked out the book you wanted to sell me. I didn't expect to buy it. I was running low on my budgeted money for the weekend, and Sunday hadn't even come around yet.

The book, as you well know, was called Wasteland. You gave a pitch. Surprisingly, I was intrigued. I had heard of similar projects before, but in the end I'm a sucker for the post-apocalyptic western-ish genre with a bad-ass lead character. I found my teeth grinding as I thought about how much money I had left in my wallet. The table had two volumns of trade paperback, and I knew beyond a doubt that if I was going to dive in that I'd have to pick up both. After a deep breath, and some self-reassurance, I handed over my cash and took the books.

I nearly felt sick later in the day, looking back on how much money I had spent throughout the convention. Going through my purchases in my head I started to chastise myself for picking up two volumns of a book that I didn't really have any prior inclinations to read. Upon arriving home from the convention, I put the trades of Wasteland in the pile of "to read" that I had accumulated. It wasn't high on my priority list.

But, eventually I arrived at volumn one - Cities in Dust. I made myself comfortable and dove in. Suddenly, I found myself immersed in an intricate and complicated world. My mind swam with visions of mutants and fanaticism, incredible powers and the atrocities of slavery. What I had first deemed "adequate" artwork, now became the only way I could imagine this world. Kudos, Mr. Mitten. You've won me over more than most artists could ever do. As amazing as the story was, your renditions of the characters and world became the nail in my coffin. I'm hooked. When I finished Cities in Dust it was three in the morning. I had to be up for work in two hours, but it had been completely worth it.

I quickly read the second trade the next night. Now, the only problem I've run into is that I'm a little bit OCD with my collecting. I can't switch to single issues after reading trade paperbacks. So, I'll have to be the most impatient fan in the world while I wait for a third volumn to come out.

Anyhow, I just wished to express my thanks for convincing me to pick up this series. Thanks for doing such an amazing job on it. And thanks for genuinely being a pleasant, happy, and friendly person -- which isn't the case for every writer/artist you meet at a convention.

I'll recommend the book to anyone I can.

Thanks Again,
A New Fan
Brad Witzel, the suburbs of Chicago, IL
07/25/2008

How to be a Geek and Have Friends: Part 2 - Movies

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:00:00 EDT

Film geeks, as this website proves, can be some of the most vehement opinionated bastards around (myself included). Everyone knows which movies are utterly drivel and which are brilliant pieces of art, and to hell to anyone that disagrees.

Of course, this isn't a healthy attitude to take. People quickly feel alienated when faced with such outspoken zeal, afraid of expressing their own thoughts in hopes to avoid some condescending confrontation. So how is it that someone could be passionate about film, especially genre film which becomes the geek movie staple, without becoming someone whom others cringe at the very thought of?

Social acceptance goes hand-in-hand with knowing how to work social dynamics. In this case, what's good for the gander is good for the goose. Creating waves within the waters of general consensus for no reason other than to watch others squirm isn't a productive course of action. It's all a matter of expressing critique in a better phrase than "people that like this movie are obviously lacking in the relevant brain cells to function as a higher life form". Such nerd speak doesn't get a guy very far in life. In fact, it kind of makes other people really want to hit him. So instead, a polite phrase such as "you know, this movie just wasn't my cup of tea" serves much better. It also opens up an avenue to becoming a trend setter within a circle of friends (at least as far as movies are concerned).

How does one person, especially a geek within a group, make himself the go-to guy when films are involved? There's actually a couple of things that can be done to bolster the opinions other people will form concerning your tastes and ideas.

The first; pick a specific genre that you can make your own. Sure, you like a whole lot of different kinds of films, but that won't make you stand out. However, picking a sub-genre to specialize in allows you to become the aficionado that harnesses respect.
Examples: Werewolf films, post-apocalyptic survival flicks, existential space dramas, etc. Even adopting a more mainstream genre (such as chick flicks) as an area of dorky expertise can have its benefits.

Once a genre is picked, hit up amazon.com and netflix to find every single title you can that falls within the confines of your area. From that moment forward, you'll be able to not only recommend to others the best of that particular kind of film but also be the person others turn to with any questions. Viola! Instant respect.

The second; ideally in a group of friends there would be others that have areas of expertise. At this point, it's prudent to set yourself ahead of them. Earnestly and honestly start to cultivate the genres your friends have chosen, viewing all the films that they recommend. Form your own opinions on these movies. In the end, you'll have developed a taste for films in multiple genres and will most likely be able to hold a conversation about a whole variety of movies.

What's this mean for you? The end result is the ability to jump into a conversation with other geeks and impress them with the ability to talk about any films that the group as a whole brings into play. Any recommendation you make will have some weight behind it because you're not only an expert in a certain field but you've also seen all the movies that they like. Your opinion matters. Another side effect for taking in film in this manner is an ease in choosing movies for any non-nerds to watch (whether it be a date or a family outing).

Of course, like any forrays into the world of geekdom there are some hazards to avoid. A short list of them are as follows;
1) Never get too technical with terms from sci-fi, fantasy, or other genre flicks. This alienates those that haven't seen the film. Instead, recommend the film and discuss it in more broad terminology that others can relate to. That way they might still give the movie a chance - not to mention you didn't perform like a stereotypical nerd.
2) Don't try to impress through obscurity. Recently, during a question and answer session with Hamlet 2 star Steve Coogan, a guy with a rather nasally voice asked Coogan about some obscure movies he's been in. Coogan replied with a "Wow, I'm glad you've done your research but no one else in the audience knows what you're talking about". The questioner, by trying to impress, ended up looking like the ultimate geeky jackass. If you're going to try to impress, impress by bringing up classics (or cult classics) that others should have at least heard of.
3) When expressing an opinion about a movie, be specific. Stay along the lines of "if you like this kind of thing, you'll like this film" because it gives whoever you're talking to a starting point on which to base their opinion. After all, if you say you just loved a movie who's going to know that you actually like all movies featuring absurdist slapstick French humor? Make sure you let others know what they're getting into, regardless of your opinion on that matter.

That's it. Generally speaking, no matter how much of a film geek you are, others will find you much more agreeable as a person when following the above guidelines. You'll be a film geek with friends! That is the goal, after all.

Stay tuned for the next installment; comics!

How to be a Geek and Have Friends: Part 1 - Overview

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 00:00:00 EDT

The world has come a long way in less than a decade. No, I’m not referring to cell phone technology or digital media but rather the mainstream perception of the geek. Ten years ago it would’ve been social suicide to bring up comic books in a public forum. Role-playing had to be conducted in hidden underground tunnels, lest someone spot a twenty-sided die and start asking questions. Nerds and dorks the world over had to form secret cabals and band together for survival. Unfortunately, a solitary geek would live a lonely existence, stuck keeping his hobbies to himself for fear of prosecution.

Those times are ending. “Geek chic” is a rather popular trend which has invaded various subcultures. Thick Buddy Holly glasses, t-shirts about video games or comics, and the latest in gadgets and technology are now being considered par for the course. There’s a whole television station that’s devoted to the geek, and it actually performs rather well. People watch. If asked about the possibility of that happening ten years ago I would’ve placed a rather large amount of money on the line against such an occurrence.

So, now the nerd is becoming popular. That’s a good thing, right? For most of us the answer is unequivocally “yes”. However, a new problem is developing that’s dividing the geek world into its own caste system. The top of the hierarchy are the cool dorks, the guys and girls that have a lot of friends to discuss Star Wars with. These people can set a trend within their nerd community, heralding the newest and coolest of genre haute culture. On the flip side of the coin exists the people who still don’t quite get the big picture. These failures to launch still speak in tones even the Simpsons’ Comic Book Guy would laugh at. They try to stimulate conversations through obscure references that ruin the moment when everyone ends up staring at them wondering just why in the world they’re speaking.

How is possible to avoid becoming such a horrible waste to geekdom? That’s the question I’ll be covering in a series of upcoming articles that span a variety of topics; movies, comics, gaming, television, technology, and literature. Its very possible to be at the forefront of the trends within all those areas, to exude the inner nerd and bask in the glory of science fiction and fantasy, and yet still have plenty of friends that can stand to hear you talk. So stay tuned, more will be on the way shortly!

Rock Me Sexy Jesus: Hamlet 2 and Steve Coogan

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 00:00:00 EDT

The comedic formula used in the last couple of years within Hollywood has been rather repetitive. It's not that Will Ferrel's man-child routine, Seth Rogan's average-guy-pseudo-slacker, or Steve Carell's screaming exclamatory exaggeration isn't funny. Most of those movies are rather enjoyable; bring forth a solid amount of laughter, and I'm a fan of all three of those actor's works. Yet, after a while it starts to feel like smiling for the sake of smiling as one views the same joke over and over again in slight variation. It all feels eerily similar to Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey in the late 90's when most of the comedic routine centered around wide-eyed expressions and nonsensical gibberish. While funny, the whole kitsch gets weary after awhile.

Perhaps that's why Hamlet 2 felt so refreshing. It was nearly impossible to not feel excited by the comedy trappings occurring on the screen. Few times does a comedy arrive that captures the whole audience, creating a constant and genuine laugh track within the theater. To put it succinctly; anyone who misses seeing Hamlet 2 is depriving themselves of one of the best laughs they'll get in a long time. The film's a definite must-see.

I caught the screening of this film in downtown Chicago, courtesy of Capone at AintItCoolNews. The theater had a lot of seats reserved for press, because the star of the film, Steve Coogan, would be doing a short Q&A session afterward (more on that in a bit). The vibe around the room was palpable excitement. The trailer for the film had caught everyone's attention and created some hardcore anticipation. I remember surveying the packed theater, catching sight of a mix of reviewers, college film students, and cinephiles all waiting to see if the buzz surrounding this movie was grounded in fact. My mind couldn't help but imagine that this might be what I would be doing full-time if I had only chose to stick with journalism at school. But I digress.

The film started, sans previews, and right off the bat the tone was established. Quirkiness, with a dash of slapstick and a heap of witty dialogue disguised as fatuous ineptitude were all rolled up in a video resume for Dana Marshz (Coogan). Also established quickly was the notion that this comedy wouldn't be afraid to touch on subjects that some would deem inappropriate, but what else could we expect from South Park and Team America co-scribe Pam Brady?

I'm going to try to refrain from giving away any jokes, as I wouldn't be able to do them justice. Coogan's delivery of the gags, though, are expertly done. Not only does the popular British actor clear up his accent enough to fool anyone not familiar with him, but he plays the emotional, childish, and naive Dana to perfection. The audience easily falls in love with the character the second comedy gives way to vulnerability which gives birth to more comedy. The supporting performances given by David Arquette, Catherine Keener, and Elisabeth Shue work well to heighten the central focus on Coogan, but the true supporting cast rested in the hands of some relative newcomers playing various students in Dana's class. The most notable performances are with Skylar Astin (portraying Rand Posin, a sexually insecure thespian) and Phoebe Strole (as the sometimes racist Epiphany Sellers). I hope both those actors end up with more roles in the future, they'll do well.

The most surprising aspect of Hamlet 2 is that the message behind the whole endeavor remains intact throughout; the purity of art and the revelations/reconciliations it can bring can overcome bigotry, censorship, and closed minds. There's a little scene in the film which depicts some quick-to-judge religious folk realizing that there's merit and a message they can agree with in the play they're viewing. I wouldn't be surprised if the same kind of people start to campaign against the film (without having seen it, of course) shortly before the theatrical release.

One final note on the film itself; the music (especially the epic "Rock Me Sexy Jesus") is incredibly hilarious and will stay lodged within the confines of the brain for a long time. It's just another reason I recommend this movie.

The film ended to thunderous applause. Everyone in the theater had enjoyed the experience immensely. Yet, the night wasn't over. It was time for Steve Coogan, Sexy Jesus himself, to take a seat in front of the screen and field questions. Unfortunately, I'm rather too poor to afford a decent recorder so I was left with an old-fashioned steno notebook and pen. I managed to jot down the basic questions and answers given, but only have a few exact quotes and have far from an accurate transcription of the Q&A. So, the following will be more of a highlights reel, with no direct quotes (rather paraphrasing) that aren't within quotation marks.

Whose idea was it to make the character American? Were you the original choice?
It was in the script that he's American, and I was still the first choice. The character is raw and wears his heart on his sleeve. The British are too emotionally repressed (laughter). So, he had to be American.

How important is it for you to be famous in America as well as England?
It's not very important to be famous for its own sake. That being said, becoming famous in America is important because it'll get you more interesting work. I'm rather famous in Britain, and get interesting work there. So now I just need everyone here to catch on.

Did you make changes to the character of Dana?
I stuck to the page, mostly. I played around with the looks and behavior, and we [Coogan and director Andrew "Andy" Fleming] talked about it. We also had a debate on whether Dana was straight or gay. But then, we couldn't have two flamboyantly gay people on the set, because Andy is a flamboyantly gay person [said with laughter]. Although, Andy did make sure I committed to emotions. Went all out with them. Because, if I was trying to be just funny all the time, instead of experiencing those other emotions as well, then it would get old and everything would be less funny as a result. "If its just a string of gags and he's just an idiot, people would leave in a half hour."

Who are your influences?
"I love a variety of comedy". I used to record television as a kid, just the sound, and then play it back to friends and make up what they were doing. But...I always liked The Goons, Monty Python, Beyond the Fringe. Vaudeville-type stuff. Bob Newhart, Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner.

When creating a character what do you look for to play?
Flawed, damaged, but not sociopathic. Human. Dislikeable, someone that challenges the audience to like him. It's easier to play someone who's fucked up. And either way, I don't put expectations on my films. "Expect the worst and then I'm never disappointed."

Then I got to ask my question, SWEET!
You were great in Hot Fuzz, and I know that Edgar Wright likes working with the same people. So, do you have any plans to work with him again soon, perhaps on Ant-Man or Scott Pilgrim vs. the World?
He hasn't approached me about anything yet. I've known him for a long time, though. Simon [Pegg] and I go back a long time. Actually, I used to do a variety show type tour, and Simon was my back-up act when I had to change or something. He screwed that up by becoming a movie star. So now I have to catch up [laughter]. But Edgar and Simon do comedy I like, and I'm sure I'll be offered a small part in whatever it is Edgar's doing next.

On Tropic Thunder:
I play the British film director who's feeling way out of his depth. Because, its about this ambitious Vietnam film with a huge budget and the director's just never done that kind of scale before. Ben Stiller was experiencing almost the same thing with making the actual movie, with such a larger budget that anything he's worked on. But..."I've seen it [the movie]. I think its going to be a huge, huge hit."

How much of the dialogue in Hamlet 2 was improvised?
About 10%. It seems that the better crafted something is the better it'll look. Everyone thinks that there's a lot of improv in this movie because it was so smooth. As far as my character, I had a lot of input. I'd be working over what I should do or shouldn't do, and Andy would laugh or not. If he didn't laugh, I didn't do it.

What was your favorite scene in the movie?
That's hard. [pause]. It sounds weird, but probably the dinner scene when Catherine Keener was drunk. That was just...it flowed well and was natural and funny. Painfully funny. I like painful scenes more than funny scenes. It's all good.

And with that last question, the night was called to a close. He gave some good information, and seemed very genuine and nice. Gotta love those British actors!

The final verdict; see this film as soon as it comes out or you'll be missing something wonderfully unique.

Anyhow, that's all for now. Stay tuned for the next installment of my B-movies reviews, I should get to some more this week-end.

B is for: Machine Girl and The Abominable Dr. Phibes

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 00:00:00 EDT

While in the midst of writing my review for The Dark Knight, I decided that there was no need for such a piece to be written. The market's flooded with similar reviews, and in the end it boiled down to the fact that while there were aspects of the film I thought could be done better I still genuinly loved it. That doesn't matter, though, since anyone who even glances at the internet should know by now that the movie's good. So, I've decided to instead carry on with the next installment of my B-movie endeavors.

After digging through an impressive list of DVD's that I've yet to view, a friend decided that the two movies I should watch immediately were Machine Girl and The Abominable Dr. Phibes. The former seemed to be an over-the-top Japanese crazy-fest, the trailer of which I had watched on YouTube while the latter was one of Vincent Price's classics that for some reason I hadn't seen yet. It was shaping up to be a fun night.

Machine Girl:

This movie is really, very difficult to sum up with mere words. If I could only telepathically inject images into other people's minds this would be a lot easier. The trailer does a pretty decent job of throwing out random words which make up this movie; Yakuza! Ninjas! Tempura! Sushi! Flying Guillotine! Chainsaw! Drill Bra! Revenge!. I added in the exclamation points, because each of those things are just that cool. I could probably also add in a few more words such as; Bloooood! Gun Arm! Hattori Hanzo Spirit Possession! Golf Clubs!. There's a lot more than that too, but I feel that if I go on with random words some people might become confused.

Does this film really have all that stuff in it? Yes. Dear God, yes. Machine Girl is the culmination of all things that makes Japanese pop culture and horror flicks both amazing and freaking crazy. For the majority of my viewing experience I felt like I was watching an anime piece turned directly into live action cinema.

The basic premise - with minor spoilers if you actually care - is that the main character (Ami) has a younger brother who's bullied by a kid and his gang. The bully's father is Yakuza. Eventually, the brother is killed by the bully, Ami finds out and is very pissed. She has the hereditary ability to kick all kinds of ass (her parents were murderers), and seeks out revenge. The Yakuza fight back and chop off her arm. She then hooks up with another woman who lost her son to the Yakuza kid, and a machine gun arm is built for her. Then comes more revenge. Along the way, all those words that were stated earlier occur en masse.

The movie doesn't take itself that seriously, which is a major plus. The special effects are specifically done to elicit a laugh. Every time an appendage gets chopped off (about once every three minutes) a geyser of blood spews forth for a good thirty seconds. Besides the limb choppage, it was incredible to enjoy every single person in the film who died meet their end in a new and unique manner. I want to see more films by director Noboru Iguchi because if they're all this fun then I'll be a happy camper.

The bottom line is that anyone who enjoys a lot of campy gore, Japanese insanity, more gimmicks than you could ask for, and an overall good time should go on amazon.com and buy this film. I'm not kidding. You won't regret it.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

The Abominable Dr. Phibes is a Vincent Price cult classic and way ahead of it's time. This movie is Saw before there was Jigsaw Killer. It's Se7en almost twenty-five years earlier. Sure, the budget and special effects aren't the same but there's near-identical plot elements.

The premise (again, minor spoilers); People of the medical profession start dying in rather strange ways. Scotland Yard detectives start to piece together the evidence, and discover the M.O. relates all of the strange deaths to the ten Biblical plagues brought about upon Egypt. The victims also seem connected; they all were involved in a case in which the wife of Dr. Anton Phibes met her end. Dr. Phibes himself was believed to have died shortly thereafter in an accident. As it turns out, he's not quite dead and is enacting his revenge through some very creative murders. And he also seems to have an automaton (or demon) who looks like his wife helping him.

The ridiculousness of the movie lies within the ways Phibes conducts his murders. Each and every one relating to an Exodus plague (which may or may not actually be in the Bible, and occur out of order) seemed like an excellent plan until the viewer actually thinks about how Phibes actually pulls the gimmick off. Case in point; one of the victims is being held in protective custody within the police station where presumedly Phibes can't get to him. He's safe until the detective's open a door at the very same moment a copper bust of a unicorn's head flies through and impales the victim. This represents the "plague of beasts", of course. Apparantly, the unicorn bust was catapulted from across the street of the police station, through a window, and into the victim's body. This was a very cool way to go, until one considers the implications that Phibes must be a mathetical genius in the areas of probability and geometry. How did he know exactly when the victim would appear in the doorframe? How did he get the unicorn bust's trajectory perfect without any trial runs? Where did a bust-flinging catapult come from? None of these questions are answered, but that's all part of the movie's charm.

There's some more ludicrous deaths (one involves brussel sprout paste, a deep sleeper, and anti-flesh locusts) which contribute to a rather amusing cinematic viewing. The Saw precurser involves a key hidden within someone's body while a device counts down toward a messy end. The film's worth watching if just for each and every death scene.

Fans of modern or classic horror movies should check out this one, if only to place homage done in newer renditions. It's not a laughing fest of a B-film, but its enjoyable through-and-through. Price is an iconic villain, any time, any place.

That's all for this time around. Stay tuned, as I'm going to be screening Hamlet 2 on Tuesday, July 29th and should have a review posted on Wednesday, July 30th. Over and out.

B is for: Japanese Hell and Space Mutiny

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:00:00 EDT

A B-Movie review double feature brought to you by a night of staying up way too late with friends, beer, and a crying newborn (not mine). Burgers were grilled, four people crammed onto a three person couch, and we chose two movies to watch from our selection of 60+ recently purchased movies (a 50-movie horror classics boxed set included).

Before I get into a brief run-down of the viewings themselves, let's go over some ettiquette for a group setting while horrible movies are being played. 1) As long as the movie is deemed "bad" even before it goes into the player, its perfectly acceptable to talk and make jokes ala MST3K (or Svenghoulie if you're from Chicagoland). 2) Unless someone specifically asks, the movie is not to be paused at any time. 3) Upon a majority vote, the movie can be fast-forwarded to a more interesting part, rewound to repeat hilarity, or taken out altogether to prevent brain leakage. 4) Don't bring people that take these type of movies seriously or can't have fun with them.

So we had everything in line, all rules followed, and popped the movies in.

Oh, and if you're the type to care about spoilers for horrible films...there's probably a lot of spoilers below as they're the only way to really get across some of the on-screen atrocities I witnessed.

First up; Japanese Hell

A straightforward premise of "Head honcho of Hell decides to give a girl a tour and show her how things work so she can tell the world". Kind of Dante-esque in its mentality. It all starts out wierd and renders viewers speechless as the main character is brought to hell and brought to the river Styx, greeted by some demons who like to strip people and put their clothes in a tree, and then ushered across the river through the vagina-shaped gate of Hell. Then she's forced to scry on some pederast child-killer and the watch the follow-up eternal punishment of the guy. At this point a lot of pretty decent costumed demons show up and torture the guy. There's a lot of blood and the practical effects are worthwhile and evoke the proper ammount of joy. If the whole movie continued along the lines of "watch his sins, now watch him suffer" it would have been an amazing film experience. Instead, after a promising opening the tone of the film shifts a bit. Apparantly, we now had to watch the main girl's past involving the cult behind the Japan subway sarin gas attack.

I'm pretty sure the whole point of the movie involved this way too long propaganda piece revolving around this cult. Frankly, it was rather boring. The idea that these guys were crazy, commited crazy atrocities, had crazy sex, and deserved to be crazy punished (I know, that last one was a stretch of the word crazy, but I still win) was hammered home within the first ten minutes of watching their antics. During this segment Rule #3 was invoked and the fast-forward button pushed. The only thing I can recommend about this part is that any fans of asian T&A will get their fill.

Long story short, the bad guys end up in Hell and are tortured and punished in various ways. Again, the special effects were solid but at this point the film's message had jaded us too much and the novelty wore off. Eventually, however, a new character called "The Wanderer" shows up. He's apparantly some dude whose so bad-ass that he travels the afterlives aimless with a samurai sword and cuts up anyone who gets in his way. He kills some of the demons. Then he leaves. I have no idea why he showed up, but it was cool to watch so I'm not going to complain.

After more of nothing, the girl returns to Earth and the movie ends. I felt like I had wasted a lot of time; the beginning of the movie and the samurai aside, the bad parts of this film weren't amusing enough to ever warrant a second viewing. I wish I hadn't even given it a first one.

One movie down, one to go. This one; Space Mutiny

This one is an old classic previously made fun of on MST3K. I'll say right off the bat that everyone has to SEE THIS FILM. It's outrageously and ridiculously bad, providing an endless onslaught of jokes to issue forth without having to even consciously having to create them.

The costumes and space culture are exactly what I have nightmares about. If the future (you know, the mystical place where everyone lives in space) ends up as a reprised version of the 80's then I quit right here and now. Sure, I enjoy the fact that very few women have pants as much as the next guy, but when that rule applies to old women or women with serious problems in their netherregions (lumpy shapes under skintightness does not attractive make) I'll opt for blindness. Tinfoil, spaulders, and bondage armor also seem to be fashion trends. On the plus side, the mustache avails and great, grey beards are still a sign of leadership. On the downside, a night out consists of a space hula hoop and bad space 80's music. On the ugly side, sex is only possible if done on astroturf. And I thought rug burn was bad.

The special effects are special in the same way my mom meant it. I'm pretty sure the spaceships were just stolen footage from earlier science fiction endeavors (their familiar-looking fighters are even called "vipers" if you pay close attention to the IBM computers). The explosive devices - barrels of oil - can be seen before and after "explosion". Also, in the future it's possible to color coordinate your laser pistol depending on your mood. Cool, huh?

My favorite scene had to be when the main bad guy wanted to torture the heroine threatened her with a "laser" device that would...I'm not too sure actually. There was a tube, presumedly which funtioned as a slowing mechanism for a laser beam, which would hover inches away from the victim's teeth. The beam would hit the teeth and a minute of villain monologue would occur. Upon interruption, the laser turns off and...the victim is perfectly fine! I think maybe her teeth were cleaner though.

Also, there's a strange plasma-ball using, ripped body-stocking wearing, belly dancing, and psionic sex cult that predicts things. Or just gets people to pass out, I'm not sure.

My only real disappointment with the amusement this movie brought to me is that the sequel that was all-but-promised at the conclusion was never made. We should start a campaign to get that done.

That's all for this installment of my B-movie meanderings. Until next time, over and out.

Hellboy II: A Comic-Book FILM

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 00:00:00 EDT

After waiting all day, the final bell at work rang and my shift was over. It took another hour to get home to meet up with a friend, and from there we were off towards downtown Chicago. What would normally be a forty minute drive had the option of turning into a full hour and a half in weekday rush hour traffic, and as anyone who's driven in Chicago could attest, rush hour traffic towards the city is not fun. In fact, I do my best to stick to my suburbanite ways and avoid it altogether. This was different. I had waited all day and was prepared to brave any kind of gridlock to get to the movie theatres on time. I was going to an advanced screening of Hellboy II: The Golden Army, which I had graciously won tickets for via Capone at Ain't It Cool News (thank you again!).

Arriving with five minutes to spare, I glanced around the packed theatre with delight. Relegating myself to a seat set alone from others, I settled in. I had been waiting for this. I'm a fanboy at heart and the summer of comic book movies has been great so far. Earlier in the year I witnessed my favorite hero from the page take his rocket boots to the screen, and now I was going to witness another of my favorites return to film done by one of the best director's in the business. My anticipation was palpable.

To say I wasn't disappointed would be a gross understatement. I was downright impressed. Smiling, ear-to-ear, throughout the whole movie, I took part in an experience that ensnared me into a world so unbelievably believable that I was left feeling happy. It's rare that a movie evokes an emotional glee, which is why I can't with good conscience just call Hellboy II another superhero movie. It's a superhero film, a great cinematic endeavor.

The thing that set this one apart from predecesors mostly have to do with Guillermo Del Toro's unique and uncompromising vision. The first of the franchise was a good take on a good character, but I didn't feel as if anything really incredible was accomplished in the theatrical release. The director's cut gave me a lot more to work with as Del Toro's ideas that the studio ended up cutting out were some of the truly great moments. I had found myself wishing that Rasputin's character was expanded originally and not just in Del Toro's version. Needless to say, I was thrilled when I heard the buzz that Hellboy II was being produced exactly as Del Toro wanted it to be; the theatrical cut was essentially the same as the director's cut.

Creative control from Del Toro was evident from the beginning. Rather than being forced to view another underdeveloped villain, the audience was treated with Prince Nuada (Luke Goss). The elf prince had depth, personality, emotions, and quite frankly was much more of a human character than most of the humans presented in the film. I felt myself understanding what Nuada was all about. Del Toro painted a beautiful picture of a man who knows where he stands and knows where the world stands with him. Nuada became a vocal piece for Del Toro's own feelings about imagination and nature. The character's flaw was all too human; extremism. Very easily, Nuada could have his own movie and star as a likable, tragically-flawed protagonist.

The other characters in the film weren't handled in any less of a matter. Once again, Ron Perlman delivers an astounding performance as the sarcastic, childlike (in a wondrous, naive, and good way) Hellboy. The viral marketing interviews that Hellboy did for the film, in which the character was treated like a real person, felt justified because the film makes Hellboy feel just so. Selma Blair took a role that she began a film ago and evolved it into her own. Liz felt much more fluid as a character, and her chemistry with Hellboy made for some enjoyable, emotional moments without feeling tritely tragic as in the last film. She's also undeniably attractive throughout the whole movie, which adds another reason to love this one. Seth MacFarlane, against my expectations, preformed vocal work for the new B.P.R.D. (Beareau for Paranormal Research and Defense) member Johann Krauss histerically while refraining from campy. The German ectoplasmic scientist fit perfectly with the team and shared some of the best on-screen time with Big Red. However, the absolute best supporting character of the film award has to go to Doug Jones as Abe Sapien. Between a drunken sing-a-long session with Hellboy that further cemented my desire to avoid Hancock (because there's no way its topping this) and some of the best furthering of a character in the film through Ape's love interest in Princess Nuala (Anna Walton, also perfect), Abe was an absolute pleasure to watch.

Back to Del Toro, the beauty of Hellboy II can't be mentioned without consideration to the special effects. Unlike the Hollywood trend to throw CG at anything that might be considered impractical, Del Toro finds a way to incorperate practical effects that reminded me of why I fell in love with movies in the first place. The Troll Market scene was a feast for both the eyes and the brain. It'll take at least ten viewings to process most of what was on the screen. Every little nuance, every costume, helped to build such an elaborately brilliant atmosphere that I couldn't help but gape in awe. There's no way to not become immersed into the world of Hellboy once you've taken a trip to the Market.

Another absolutely amazing sequence was the battle with the Elemental God. Not only are the effects stunning, but while the scene could have easily devolved into something cliche that's been done many times before (most recently in Cloverfield) it felt fresh. Homage was paid to giant monsters of yesteryear, yet at the same time a new path was carved. The difference? The Elemental became a character all of its own. It drew the audience in to connect with it. I felt something for the thing. This scene also accomplished something else rarely seen, something echoed thoughout the movie; the action sequences all had very real consequences and raison d'etre. The Elemental fight, the showdown in the Troll Market, Hellboy vs. Nuada, and the battle with the Golden Army all not only furthered a whole lot of plot but also developed the participants. Del Toro has to be applauded for such a feat.

One last praise for Del Toro is his handling of the writing in regards to the humor. Normally it's rather difficult to translate comic book humor to the silver screen (failed jokes in Ghost Rider and Fantastic Four are prime examples), yet somehow Del Toro captured the essence of comic book humor without producing corny and campy dialogue. He even used some jokes straight off the page (such as a great joke about the "SS"). Kudos, Del Toro, kudos.

If I had to issue any complaint about the film it would be the way the beginning was handled. It wasn't bad, by any means, and I still enjoyed it. Yet, it didn't feel as if young Hellboy was quite right (no pancake joke?) and I couldn't quite place why Del Toro chose to tell the backstory of Nuada's people at this stage of the game rather than disperse into the middle of the film. Perhaps it would've felt better if Hellboy referenced his childhood story later on but that never happened. Regardless, the manner in which the story was told was unique and interesting enough that it only made me question a "why here?" rather than a "why at all?".

I can't recommend any film higher insofar this year. I loved Iron Man, saw it three times, and hold it close to my heart. I can't help but think, though, that Hellboy II was just a better film. I'm sure when Iron Man II comes around that it might top it in my book, but as it stands Hellboy II is the comic book movie to see this year. Of course, if The Dark Knight lives up to expectations then we're in for a great July which only adds to a great year.

Thanks again to Capone over at Ain't It Cool News for the great advanced screening.

Until next time, this is Brad, signing out.

Author's Note: Upon a second viewing I rescind my statement about not knowing why Del Toro put the beginning sequence at the beginning, because I caught on to a bit more things that seemed to fall into place there. And Hellboy does reference his childhood story later on, I was just being too daft to notice. So...my only problem with the beginning scene probably is just that I didn't like the kid actor/direction they took for the young Hellboy. Other than that, all is well.

Simon Pegg = All American

no@spam.com (Brad Witzel) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 00:00:00 EDT

Somehow, I've found myself in the mood for British comedy. I've been trying to catch up on some old BBC shows that I might've missed, and while scouring the internet for information I inevitably ended up on Amazon.com, knee-deep in the checkout screen. My mouse decided it wanted to spend some of my hard-earned cash and started clicking on various things involving people that Edgar Wright has worked with.

I'm waiting for Spaced to arrive later this month, but in the meantime a movie I hadn't even heard of until I ordered it found its way to my doorstep; Big Nothing. The film starred Simon Pegg and David Schwimmer. Simon Pegg brought my hopes up. David Schwimmer made me skeptical, although I kept reassuring myself that he could transcend Friends by remembering his role in Band of Brothers. I didn't really know what to expect from the movie, but I needed to get my British fix so I decided to watch it immediately.

I made some lasagna, grabbed a coke, sat down in my big automatic recliner, and put in the DVD. Charlie (Schwimmer) is the character introduced at the beginning of the film. I'm pulled into the feature, at least a little bit, by the instant characterization of Charlie through the notion that he's both reading and listening to the audiobook of Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time. So the guy's a little wierd.

It's a couple of minutes later that Gus (Pegg) shows up. Gus is a down-to-earth, foul-mouthed, regular American guy. That's right, American. Pegg is using his best midwest accent for this role presumably to throw me completely off base. I mean, his accent was great. I would have thought it was genuine if I hadn't known better. As it stood, it took me a good half an hour more of hearing him talk before I could be brought back into the role he was playing.

Accent notwithstanding, the film progressed at a good pace as the major plot is revealed. Charlie and Gus need money. They come up with a plan to blackmail a priest. Josie (Alice Eve) overhears and gets in on the plan. The plan starts to go wrong. And wrong. And just when you think things are about to get better, they don't. Nothing goes according to plan.

What surprised me the most is that everything in the movie was handled really well. Things could have gone the way of cliche a "crime gone wrong" flick rather fast but the humor, over-the-top twists and turns, and overall good performances kept me interested the whole way through. I couldn't help but remember Very Bad Things and Death to Smoochy, as this film had the same aspects of any great dark comedy. Murphy's Law was in effect in all its hilarious glory.

When the movie ended I was left with a smile on my face. It wasn't the film I expected (there wasn't an iota of British flair whatsoever), but I'm glad that my Amazon.com spending spree turned up some gold. Of course, as with any dark comedy, a certain morbid sense of humor and intellegence for some subtle jokes is necessary to enjoy the film. There's nothing worse than watching a movie within this genre with someone who goes "I don't get it. What's so funny?". I have a really bad blind date story concerning that sentiment and seeing Death to Smoochy in the theaters.

If you havn't seen Big Nothing then I suggest getting to it as soon as possible. If you like Simon Pegg, or if you happen to like David Schwimmer, or if you're just in the mood to watch something both twisted and funny, then go right now and pick this one up. I can't believe this didn't get the same publicity as some of Pegg's other films, but that's probably in part because the director (Jean-Baptiste Andrea) is almost brand new to the filmmaking game while Edgar Wright at least had some great BBC television under his belt.

In order to prevent further rambling, I'll leave with this final note: See This Film!