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My Blog Skip - Blog Wars II "GETTING THE GANG BACK TOGETHER" A PROLOGUE

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 00:00:00 EDT

I've been putting this off for a bit, as I wanted to line up some outside talent before we undertook this.

Blog Wars II is coming in August.

I'm looking for 8 other blog writers to participate. Everyone drafts a story based on the subject I give them in a Private Message.

From there, we'll determine post order.

My Blog Skip - The Aids Crisis at Nakatomi Plaza

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 00:00:00 EDT

I've got a retarded friend who stops by the house at times. His name is Jay and the little guy is a big movie fan. Hell, he's got better taste than most of the people that probably come to CHUD.

Well, I was finishing up the Blu-Ray of Die Hard when he came in. It was right at the part, where Alexander Godunov gets his final scare moment. After Reginald VelJohnson blows him away, Jay turns to me.

JAY: Isn't that guy dead?

ANDERSON: Yeah, Carl Winslow just blew his ass away.

JAY: No. I mean in real life.

ANDERSON: Yeah. His name is Alexander something or another. He died in the 90s.

JAY: What did he die from?

ANDERSON: I don't know.

JAY: Was it AIDS?

ANDERSON: Maybe. Again, I don't know.

JAY: I bet it was AIDS. It seems like Die Hard was a movie where a lot of people caught AIDS.

ANDERSON: What?

JAY: Some movies have a lot of AIDS people. It just happens.

ANDERSON: What movies have a lot of AIDS people?

JAY: Rent.

ANDERSON: That was fictional.

JAY: It was a documentary.

ANDERSON: Rent was fictional, dude.

JAY: Rent is real. AIDS and Rent happen to people everyday.

ANDERSON: Fine. How does this connect back to Die Hard?

JAY: AIDS.

ANDERSON: Yes, we've covered that.

JAY: Die Hard gave the big blonde guy AIDS.

ANDERSON: No, it didn't.

JAY: How do you know?

ANDERSON: I know because I don't think John McTiernan had a big table of AIDS next to Craft Services.

JAY: He could've.

Shit like this is why I prefer to watch movies alone. It's also why I haven't been writing many blogs lately. Too many conversations like this broke my brain.

My Blog Skip presents GONE TWEETIN'

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 00:00:00 EDT

Hide my twitter. Must keep it safe from Widmore.about 8 hours ago from web
Calling future robot H.E.R.B.I.E. .about 8 hours ago from web
Lost happens tonight...in the 1970s.about 10 hours ago from web
Robot destroyed. Bummed.about 14 hours ago from web
Robot knows love. Will never become Sentinel.3:09 PM Mar 17th from web
Day off. Must deal with the Irish.7:51 AM Mar 17th from web
Robot developed self-awareness. Love is soon to follow. 8:22 AM Mar 16th from web
Heroin killed a lot of rock stars. It's like Kryptonite for whiny pussies .9:29 AM Mar 14th from web
Building a robot today.8:08 AM Mar 13th from web
Neil Diamond was right. They are coming to America...today.9:17 AM Mar 12th from web
Must remember to call the Sassy Scoundrel's voice mail 12:05 PM Mar 11th from web
JoAnn Fabrics now opens at 10:00 am for people taking a donkey shit. 10:02 AM Mar 11th from web
Met a woman whose tit was bit off by a horse. Always feed horsies. 1:24 PM Mar 10th from web
Linda Hamilton can burst into flames in my playground whenever she wants. 7:26 AM Mar 10th from web
There are too many people that know my true face. Must remedy. 7:26 AM Mar 9th from web
Shat a Glaive. Must make notation. .8:51 AM Mar 7th from web
This close to recovering the Hellfish bonanza. Must tell no one.
1:52 PM Mar 6th from web
I have plans to visit Swaziland in 2017. They know why. 11:40 AM Mar 6th from web
Went to Grocery Store. Prayed for The Mist to come and take me away. 9:23 AM Mar 6th from web

My Blog Skip: If I Had a Time Machine Part II

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 00:00:00 EST

If I had a time machine....

I would go back to the dawn of modern man. There I would find the first upright ape capable of speech and make them utter the following formula.

loneliness + alienation + fear + despair + self-worth ÷ mockery ÷ condemnation ÷ misunderstanding x guilt x shame x failure x judgment n=y where y=hope and n=folly, love=lies, life=death, self=dark side

DARKSEID IS!

My Blog Skip: If I Had a Time Machine...

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 00:00:00 EST

Part 1

If I had a time machine...I would head back to 1970 and bang Linda Ronstadt. You know, before George Lucas ruined her.

Spymunk Lets The Right One In

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 00:00:00 EST

Oskar and Eli, the world's not good enough for either of you.

Now, it's entirely possible that you might not know who Oskar and Eli are, and if that's the case then I feel bad for you. Oskar and Eli are the main characters in a movie called LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, based on an amazing and wrenching book you owe it to yourself to read whether you see the movie or not. But this isn't an essay about the book - this is a blog in which I try to get out my emotions and talk about the film and how much it means to me.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is, above all else, to me, a loving story of the kind of friendship most people don't understand - that depthless, haunting friendship that knows no limits and knows no compromise, that transcends love to the point where it becomes painful for those involved.

Oskar and Eli are in my opinion one of the greatest onscreen pairings in the history of cinema. That's not just hyperbole meant to spice up a movie review. I really mean it, in a sincere and heartfelt way. This movie touched me in a truly profound fashion, and I cried in a state of amazingly open and aching empathy as often as I gasped from the intensity of their tragic and fateful meeting.

Oskar is a weak, timid boy of the sort being increasingly taken advantage of and made miserable because who and what they are is being beaten out of them by a system that honestly couldn't care less what happens to "the youth." He is hurt, damanged, lonely and entirely disenfranchised by our politically-correct school system, the kind of kid who has creative urges he's given no outlet to express by his educators and thoughts he's given no manageable way to explore because his very existence is rejected outright by society. He is bullied and mistreated on an almost daily basis and as a result, at the start of the story, his mind turns more and more toward the insular, losing himself in bloody fantasies in which he takes revenge on his tormentors. His tale is tragic, in and of itself, because there are far too many kids like him in the real world who aren't allowed to become the people they're meant to become, who are told so often how little they're worth that they believe it and see no option out but self-inflicted immolation or a violent flame out meant to express to the world their agony but resulting only in destruction and misunderstanding by others.

That Oskar is on the path toward becoming a killer but simply lacks the willpower to be a monster, as strange as that might seem, is obvious. Perhaps oddly, the only thing holding him back from becoming a terrible threat to those around him is his lack of personal conviction and strength. The lack of confidence that makes him a perfect target for bullies is also the force that holds him back from undertaking the horrible crimes he envisions in his mind's eye.

I find this circular self-fulfilling flaw to be a fascinating characterization, and it really made me feel for and identify with Oskar in that his weakness is of his own making and yet is born of a lack of understandign from all of those around him who refuse to give him a chance to achieve anything more than a momentary reaction brought on by their cruelty and violence, none of which he deserves.

Eli, meanwhile, is a fiercely strong but dark spirit. She, too, has been beaten down by society, but in an entirely different way that has forced her out of the view of the public, who clearly would not know what to do with her on a regular day, let alone given the unusual and bizarre circumstances of her existence. She is an independent person who through no fault of her own and bitter circumstance is required to depend on others in ways that do not detract from her personal strength but nevertheless chafe at her because it's clearly not how she wants to deal with the world. She is a acutely aware of herself and who she is, and what she is - and, when she meets Oskar, is also acutely aware of who and what he is.

She is an intriguing character to me because for all her raw power, and the fire inside of her, she is rendered inert by the world around her, which seeks to turn people in ineffectual Oskars and their tormentors. She has rejected that, stepped outside of the realm of what is considered normal human behavior and suffered a brutal isolation from it that is necessitated by her survival. Like Oskar, the human would-be destroyer, she is a force of reckoning in the world, but she is actually capable off doing it - because she's not even truly alive. She's undead - a vampire, and this is one of the few times when a vampire story engaged me as strongly as this one did.

You see, I don't like vampires too much, despite being a massive horror junkie. The overt male-dominant mentality of men in frilly shirts dipping back hapless Victorian ladies to nip at their jugulars does nothing for me - I can't identify with nor engage in the dynamic. I don't enjoy dominant-male power fantasies or rape culture, and I see vampires as representative of that. It's not that I'm so deconstructive of the genre that I can only see the metaphors. Far from it! I love deep metaphors, but the thing is that there are metaphors about things I enjoy reading about and things I don't. Vampires with the baggage (ahem!) of male domination so prevalent in the texts just don't appeal to me as a whole. To put it bluntly, I don't get a kick out of watching swarthy, rugged Carpathians bite women "against" their will when it's really not. That's just not my trick.

One of the few vampire movies I enjoy, however, is THE LOST BOYS, and part of the reason I think the movie is so successful for me is because of just how impossibly homoerotic it is, and how the male-dominant nonsense of most vampire mythology is replaced with guys being on the receiving end of the designs of other guys - it's all about people who are "different" and "outsiders" seducing eachother and forcing the question "Who am I deep down inside?" That kind of metaphot is fascinating to me, and the interaction of the characters takes on a whole dimension that becomes less about domination from the outside than defeating your own demons - or, in the case of the film's finale, embracing them and at the same time keeping your own identity while becoming stronger than you were when the story started.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, likewise, is an amazing journey for me in this way, and so interesting because the vampire is a strong and ancient-seeming female presence and Oskar is hapless fury who must be shaped and guided as opposed to getting his throat torn up by Eli, at least in terms of the main narrative's approach to the characters. The two of them intertwine together, becoming one - and not strictly on Eli's terms. Eli shapes who Oskar is by letting him live out his mind's eye through her, and in turn the brightness of Oskar's vicid life-force and creative passions reinvigorate Eli, making them not so much co-dependent but symbiotic in the best possible way. The deep friendship between them is stronger than most movie so-called "romances," and I found myself crying every time they made meaningful eye contact because it was so pure and real and carried with it none of the preconceived expectations of most movie couples.

Consider this - in most romantic movies, a simple misunderstanding like an overheard phone call can be the stuff of two hours of idiotic mewling by both genders. In LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, life and death are literally on the line and the two characters can communicate with eachother by a silent look so deeply that it conveys to both them and the audience just exactly what the two are feeling, and this is due on NO small part to the extraordinarily strong performances by the pair of non-professional actors who outshine any of the smarmy kid actors America offers up in its weak takes on childhood experiences.

Oskar's insecurities are real and people in the audience have felt them. Eli's pain is real and people have felt it. These are two real characters feeling real emotions and going to real places - and the vampire metaphor is used as a tool to enforce the real elements about the both of them without turning it into ridiculous melodrama.

This movie is probably the best of the year, and I urge you to see it.

READ MORE OF SPYMUNK'S THOUGHTS AT
SPYMUNK'S BURROW.

Blog Wars - Part 9 "THE PUNCHLINE"

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 00:00:00 EDT

Previously on Blog Wars:

On a quiet night, as Jim cleans a bar stool with Lysol Multipurpose Cleaning Solution, Jodie Foster, wearing the skimpiest of skimpy dresses, stumbles into the bar, high as a kite.

She makes her way to Jim, doing her sexiest walk – and failing miserably- and says “I’ve done you before, haven’t I?”. “Don’t you mean I’ve met you before?”, Jim responds. “No, but that’ll do. My friends are coming soon, so give us some wine!”, she says.

Jim helps Jodie Foster sit on a bar stool. He pours wine in a glass cup. She takes the cup from his hand and drinks the whole thing right away.

As Jim slowly takes the wine bottle away from Jodie, some costumers enter the bar. Jodie turns around and with a big smile she yells “Honeys!” Jim looks at the costumers and realizes they are none other than John Wayne Gacy, Lance Armstrong and the Jesus Clone, with what looks like a recently shaved head, wearing a leather jacket.

Jim’s and the Jesus Clone’s eyes meet. “How is it possible for one being to witness the end of the universe twice in a lifetime?”, Jim ponders.

And once again, self preservation kicks in. Jim grabs the shotgun, pumps it, points it at the Jesus Clone and yells “Not again!”.

As the bullet exits the shotgun barrel…

***

The bullet exits the shotgun barrel and cracks Jesus Clone right in the face. J.C.C. tries to let out a scream, but suddenly...everything goes white.

We're back in the same bar with John Wayne Gacy, Lance Armstrong and Jesus Christ. The bartender is a manly looking woman with a strong resemblance to Jodie Foster.

BARTENDER: I thought one of you guys was going to tell a joke.

JESUS CHRIST: You missed it.

BARTENDER: But, you didn't say anything.

Jesus sneers at the bartender. He nods at John Wayne Gacy. Gacy then motions for Lance Armstrong to jump over the bar.

The bartender is frightened, as Armstrong grabs some rope. Gacy has grabbed a pool cue and breaks it over his knee.

The bartender looks over at Jesus.

BARTENDER: What are you going to do to me?

Jesus doesn't answer, as Lance ties the Bartender's hands behind her back. The bartender is bound, as she is thrown to the ground. Gacy and Lance throw the bound woman over the bar. She cracks her face on the ground hard, as Jesus spins around to face her.

BARTENDER: Are you going to rape me?

JESUS CHRIST: No.

Gacy walks over to the jukebox and drops a quarter into the slot. He selects D-4.

BARTENDER: Then, what are you going to do?

JESUS CHRIST: I'm going to crucify you...with my cock.

Jesus opens his robes and descends upon the woman. Journey blasts in the background, as the Son of Man plows the manly bartender.

FADE TO BLACK.

A Pato Hoffman story.

©PaHo Productions 2008

MY BLOG SKIP PRESENTS - BLOG WARS PART V: 10 WAYS TO IMPRESS JODIE FOSTER

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 00:00:00 EDT

via David A. Barrios (freelance writer)

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Previously on Blog Wars:

Todd put down McSweeneys number 58 (subtitled A Heartbreaking Corpse of Staggering Exquisiteness) and could barely hide his disappointment. It started off promisingly enough with Jonathan Safran Foer’s body horror experiment, and Zadie Smith taking on scientology seemed promising enough, but when Rick Moody added in that unnecessary space twist at the conclusion, it sealed the deal: this was the worst issue of McSweeneys yet. Todd wondered if he could cancel the subscription but still maintain the one had for The Believer when his digital wristwatch started beeping. Oh, he thought, four-thirty. He got up and put two slices of whole wheat bread in the toaster and took out the jar of mayonnaise. Luckily for him, his member had almost on reflex begun to engorge itself as the watch beeped, an almost Pavlovian response. He unscrewed the lid and thrust himself inside with vigor three times and then pulled out. The toast popped out and he placed each slice on the top and underside of his shaft and sighed. On cue, his iPod speaker dock started to play “Inna Gadda Davita” and life was good. But then he heard the voice, unmistakable over the music and sticky warmth of the cock sandwich.

“Todd, what in the fuck are you doing?”

Todd spun around to face-

TONIGHT'S EPISODE

"10 WAYS TO IMPRESS JODIE FOSTER"

Todd spun around to face -- Mark David Chapman. Todd says who the fuck let Jared Leto get so fat? Everyone laughs and for a moment, the world forgets that Chapman robbed us all of Double Fantasy II: Quadro-Ono.

Mark David Chapman throws his briefcase on the table in front of Todd. Todd said Mark. I've got a fucking story for you. It'll be perfect. Best thing yet, I can get Foster. That's right, bitch. Jodie "Little Man Tate" Foster. How do you like those god damn apples?

Naturally, Todd loved apples and the lesbionic star of such films as "Carny" and "Anna and the King". Todd pulled a contract out of his ass and procured a pen. For today, he was going to make Mark David Chapman a star.

Meanwhile, Jodie Foster felt a disturbance in the Force. Since abandoning her religious upbringing to walk down the path of Sleater-Kinney-Fu, Foster had developed a rather high midichlorian count. She could see shit like in The Matrix, thus she could control all reality.

Foster wants to fuck Lohan. She jumps inside the firecrotch and goes all Neo on her ass. Bam! Lohan is ready to start munching carpet with the guy from Foreigner's cock scrapings. Foster senses the motion picture deal made by Chapman and flies to Hollywood. That's right, fellas. The Accused chick knows how to fly.

Jodie Foster arrives in Hollywood to take a meeting with pain. Foster finds Chapman and is ready to beat his ass. But, Chapman pulls out a script for "The Civil War". Foster had always wanted to make a Civil War movie that didn't suck undead zombie baby ass like "Sommersby". So, she signed onto the film. Little did she know that it was a McDonaldland Production of The Civil War.

Matthew McConaughey was to play General Robert E. Lee as Ronald McDonald. Toby Jones was to play General Grant as The Hamburglar. The Grimace would be constructed via CGI and the last vestiges of Ahmet Best's career.

Jodie Foster was outraged. How dare the McDonald's Corporation tear down an important piece of American History? How could she dare say, "Slavery...I'm Lovin' It!"

Disappointed in her fellow man, Jodie Foster ventured into a nearby bar. There she met Jesus, John Wayne Gacy and Lance Armstrong. She took a seat next to John Wayne Gacy and order a Whisky Sour.

Jodie Foster looked over at John Wayne Gacy for a long, icy stare. John Wayne Gacy just smiled underneath his inches of greasy sweat-stained pancake makup. Who the fuck are you supposed to be? asked Jodie

I'm a Sad Clown said Gacy

That makes two of us said Foster

But, I sliced nutsacks open and played Marble Madness with their fleshy content said Gacy.

Foster grabbed her drink and took a long, hard sip. I can't say that I've ever done that proclaimed Foster.

Jesus knocked back his Amaretto and laughed. Marble Madness was a fuckin' sweet game proclaimed the Son of God.

Suddenly, Lance Armstrong dropped dead. Jodie Foster, Jesus and John Wayne Gacy looked down at the bar at the Cyclist Corpse. Jesus laughs

"This reminds of the time when Michael Landon and I were in Belgium. No, wait...it was Amsterdam. Not that it matters. A change in geography isn't going to bring Marcel back." said Jesus

"Who's Marcel" asked Jodie Foster

"Well, Marcel was part of a much larger story. A story that involved two hookers, a monkey named Lucky Jim and a slighty burned copy of Rum Punch."

SAM STRANGE CONTINUES THE BLOG WARS IN

SAM STRANGE REMEMBERS!

COMING SOON

My Blog Skip - BLOG WARS: EPISODE 1 "THE SETUP"

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 00:00:00 EDT

THE SETUP

I first heard the worst story ever told about a decade ago. I was in my senior year of High School trying to decide on a college to attend when a couple of the older employees at the theater shared this really amazing story that they heard from a friend in the Navy.

The story was rather short, but it made quite an impression. So, I've made a point of retelling the story to people I hire or have the fortune of working with on various things. It's one of those tales that brings people together. I didn't think much of it until about a month ago. The last person I told the story almost choked to death.

Little did I know that, they were a card-carrying member of all that Focus on the Family bullshit and they were a really hardcore Right-Wing Uber-Americo Fascist type. The person didn't get upset, they just seemed shocked and then saddened. So, I do this as a favor to them. For they asked me to retell the joke to the global community (i.e. random fuckers on-line) and see if they find it as offensive.

Here's the start:

John Wayne Gacy, Jesus Christ and Lance Armstrong are in a bar. The bartender approaches them and asks what they'll have. Jesus said that he'll take a....

The Worst Story Ever Told will be continued at Gabe Powers' Blog.

My Blog Skip: BLOG WARS - THE FARMER TAKES A WIFE

no@spam.com (Troy Anderson) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 00:00:00 EDT

Here's the line-up for the Worst Story Ever Told.

SETUP (Part 1): Troy Anderson (My Blog Skip)

Part 2: Gabe Powers (Gabe's Blog)

Part 3: Erix

Part 4: Tom Fuchs

Part 5: Special Outside Guest (My Blog Skip)

Part 6: Sam Strange (Sam Strange Remembers)

Part 7: Open to Whomever can Tell Me when "Naked Lunch" was first published.

Part 8: Renn Brown

PUNCHLINE (Part 9): Troy Anderson and Friends (My Blog Skip)

The setup goes up tonight and the Worst Story Ever Told begins. Be there or be somewhere else.