CHUD.com - A Movie Website and SO MUCH MORE. - Blogs

Adventures in Nonsensical Obsession

no@spam.com (Phil Owen) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 00:00:00 EDT

Like just about every other college student in the country, I've spent a number of hours playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl in the last two days. Unlike a lot of those others, however, I'm not actually a huge fan of the series.

See, I think of the Smash Brothers obsessees the same way I think of the Halo obsessees; I just can't grasp why someone would devote such enormous amounts of time to a game as substanceless as this.

Not that I think it's a bad game by any means. I have plenty of fun with it, at least in short, one hour at most stretches. And I'll probably spend plenty of time with it in the near future as my spring break is next week. But on the other hand, I picked up Bully last week and will pick up Condemned 2 and/or Army of Two this week or next week. I'll be spreading my gaming time around among those different games, yet everyone else I know, with the exception of the guy with whom I would play Army of Two, will only be playing Smash Brothers. And when you consider the game is basically just a glorified expansion to Melee (way to fuck up a great opportunity with the controls, Game Arts), the explanation for this guaranteed obsession escapes even further from my grasp.

Also, keep in mind that I'm not trying to single out obsessions with this game alone. I don't really understand why anyone would play any game over and over again for years on end. There are too many other, better games to play.

Though I guess I can't fault you too much if the only console you own is the Wii. It's not like there'll be another decent game on that console for a while. Though if you play Brawl for a year while never having played Zack and Wiki, you deserve a smackdown.

Adventures in Mo Money

no@spam.com (Phil Owen) — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 00:00:00 EST

Saturday night I went downtown to catch a show at a bar. At one point during the night, this big drunk guy grabbed me and began congratulating me on my awesome t-shirt.

The shirt I was wearing was one I had picked up a couple years ago from the local big-ass thrift store that sported the logo for a tax company, Mo Money Taxes. It turns out he had heard of this company, which has no locations in town. This was the first time that a person acknowledging my shirt actually knew beforehand that it wasn't one of those shirts that advertise fake companies.

I'm writing this because I want you to know that Mo Money Taxes is indeed real, and that there may be a location near you, as they've got 90 franchises in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Missouri, Texas, Louisiana, Ohio and, for some reason, Michigan. I also want to share with you the joy of Mo Money Taxes' advertising campaign, which is SPECTACULAR. Enjoy:

Adventures in Modern Girdles

no@spam.com (Phil Owen) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 00:00:00 EST

I was watching Overnight Delivery (shit movie, but Paul Rudd still manages to be awesome) on cable late last night while trying to fall asleep, and several of the commercial breaks featured a particularly entertaining ad. It went something like this:

"Would you like to go from looking like this...

...to looking like this..."

...without putting forth any effort at all?"

At first I assumed the ad was for some Lipozene-esque pill, and I started to tune out. And then they revealed that the secret to being thin is to wear the New ~~Girdle~~ Body Shaper. The commercial says you can appear to have lost 20 pounds INSTANTLY. That's right. INSTANTLY.

So here's my question: what if the woman in the above pictures wore this thing on a regular basis and then started dating some guy who didn't know she was hiding that stuff under her shirt. And what if one night they decided to go back to his place to have sex? Can you imagine how awkward that would be?

For those women who want to find out just how awkward that can be, you can buy one of these things here.

Adventures in Lame Movie Trailers

no@spam.com (Phil Owen) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 00:00:00 EST

Most of the time I very much enjoy watching the previews when I go to the movies. Hell, sometimes I even enjoy the commercials that show up before the previews (assuming I'm not at a Carmike and having to suffer through that ridiculous Three Doors Down National Guard music video).

If we get a good selection of trailers, I'll sometimes even momentarily forget what movie I came to see because I get caught up in the excitement about what is to come.

Things didn't work out quite so well for me when I saw Rambo this afternoon, however. The pre-previews commercials weren't too painful, consisting of an old paper bag handpuppet Fandago spot and some weird Lord of the Rings-esque Coke thing.

The ubiquitious trailer for Jumper was next. While admittedly cool-looking, this trailer gives away the entire film, and I'd rather just watch, you know, the entire film.

Now is about when things started getting silly. The next trailer was that of the next Chronicles of Narnia film. I came for Rambo and got a Narnia trailer. I'm not really sure what to think about that.

While I sat there confused, I was blindsided by the trailer for Witless Protection. That one kinda sucked.

Midnight Meat Train tried to salvage the situation while wrapping things up, but the damage was done.

This experience is the perfect example of why the beginning of the year sucks for moviegoers. It isn't just that the film selection sucks, because there are still going to be a few things worth watching. It's because we get swamped with ads for every random, shitty comedy and romantic comedy, be it in the theater when we think we're avoiding the lame shit or in our homes when we think we're avoiding the lame shit.