THE LIST OF DUMB #18
http://chud.com/articles/articles/14520/1/THE-LIST-OF-DUMB-18/Page1.html
Nick Nunziata
Nick Nunziata is the creator of http://CHUD.com and despite logic and nagging injuries to his soul, still involved in the daily run of the place. He's made a point to keep all of his film related business private so when they're announced, the assholes can be baffled, pissed, and then scurry to a place they can feebly complain.By Nick Nunziata
Published on 04/28/2008
More odd stuff from Mr. Nunz.
THE LIST OF DUMB #18
What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don't expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. Fine Print: Must Be A Starfish or a Swamp Thing.
As a casual fan of the Beatles I probably won't take to heart the new issue of Scientific American, lest I be spurned by newly single Sir. But if I wanted to retrieve my skin artifact from the abyss, this sounds like a winner! I love "How To" books. I hope there's five easy steps to this process. Something like:
1. Lose limb (not optional).
2. Apply secret paste. Unless lost limb is arm. If so, kick paste onto the void.
3. Run in place for 22 seconds. Unless lost limb is leg. Then writhe for 22 seconds.
4. Wash paste away with secret rinse. If simply a headed torso, wobble until either paste is gone or carried away by jackals.
5. Stare in awe as limb recreates!
2. 1981 Returns!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Back in the early 80's I spent a lot of time at an arcade called The Twilight Zone in the Roswell Mall here in the suburbs of Georgia. Even back then, the place was so small-time it hurt. It was like someone who made their living airbrushing vans was given run of the place. It was a nightmare filled with dreams. Imagine my disbelief to be walking at Discover Mills (which will be a recurring theme today) to fall into 1981 as the Lunar Golf store presented itself to me like a wizard in a pink midriff shooting smoke from his lion's head obsidian cane as he rose from the mountains. A putt-putt course in a mall with black lights and kitschy portraits on the wall. Either it's the best thing to ever have been shat out by mankind or a beacon to extraterrestrial hoodlums.
3. Laziest Store Name. EVER. (Discover Mills!)
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
"Operator".
"Yes, sir. To what number can I connect you?"
"Excuse me?"
"A dollar you say?"
4. Meet Curtains. (Discover Mills!)
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
This curtain was in the window of a defeated store at (once again) Discover Mills Mall in Georgia. Redneck Heaven. Here's what baffles me: How the fuck do you NOT survive at that mall? The variety of stores is insane. I did some research. Here are the only stores that did not succeed at Discover Mills:
Oh, and these Food Court joints:
5. Sassy Ass Sassafrass O'Riordan. Why cowpoke when you can MANPOKE?
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Longhorn Steaks is a reliable and delicious place to feed. The music is worse than being uncreated, but the food's almost good enough to warrant it. For a chain. They have all these old cowboy portraits on their walls and this one stuck out to me. Just a little. For a restaurant whose audience partially consists of the least tolerant people around [yes I'm generalizing, but go fuck yourself], it may have been a good idea not to have Loosepoops McBendaround as a prominent feature.
6. The #1 Pick-Up as Voted By Angus Scrimm.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
"BZZZZZZZZZT! You have reached the mailbox of Rhonda Peterson. Please leave a message."
7. Capri-Stun.
Photo by Steve Murphy.
Have you ever been a man about town and craved some mediocre wine in a problematic little box? SOLVED.
8. The Coldest Hot.
Photo by Steve Murphy.
This may have been the Publix clerk's statement on the duality of man. Or proof that they've reached the pinnacle of their career's growth.
9. Yeah, I'm Not Above Vanity Plate Scrutiny.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
What the fuck was I thinking?
By the way:
"I just almost didn't farted!"
Message Board Thread.
ASSORTED DUMB SHIT
1. Fine Print: Must Be A Starfish or a Swamp Thing.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
As a casual fan of the Beatles I probably won't take to heart the new issue of Scientific American, lest I be spurned by newly single Sir. But if I wanted to retrieve my skin artifact from the abyss, this sounds like a winner! I love "How To" books. I hope there's five easy steps to this process. Something like:
1. Lose limb (not optional).
2. Apply secret paste. Unless lost limb is arm. If so, kick paste onto the void.
3. Run in place for 22 seconds. Unless lost limb is leg. Then writhe for 22 seconds.
4. Wash paste away with secret rinse. If simply a headed torso, wobble until either paste is gone or carried away by jackals.
5. Stare in awe as limb recreates!
2. 1981 Returns!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Back in the early 80's I spent a lot of time at an arcade called The Twilight Zone in the Roswell Mall here in the suburbs of Georgia. Even back then, the place was so small-time it hurt. It was like someone who made their living airbrushing vans was given run of the place. It was a nightmare filled with dreams. Imagine my disbelief to be walking at Discover Mills (which will be a recurring theme today) to fall into 1981 as the Lunar Golf store presented itself to me like a wizard in a pink midriff shooting smoke from his lion's head obsidian cane as he rose from the mountains. A putt-putt course in a mall with black lights and kitschy portraits on the wall. Either it's the best thing to ever have been shat out by mankind or a beacon to extraterrestrial hoodlums.
3. Laziest Store Name. EVER. (Discover Mills!)
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
"Operator".
"Is
this directory assistance?"
"Yes, sir. To what number can I connect you?"
"A
dollar."
"Excuse me?"
"You
heard me, businesswoman. A Dollar. Patch me through immediately."
"A dollar you say?"
"You
heard right and hurry up, I've got my eye on a corduroy mitten and time is
money."
"Motherfuck."
"The cost of this call is sixty-five cents."
"Motherfuck."
4. Meet Curtains. (Discover Mills!)
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
This curtain was in the window of a defeated store at (once again) Discover Mills Mall in Georgia. Redneck Heaven. Here's what baffles me: How the fuck do you NOT survive at that mall? The variety of stores is insane. I did some research. Here are the only stores that did not succeed at Discover Mills:
Abe's
House of Freshwater Seashells
Pungent Stuff!
AntiChrist Hairstylist
Bobcat Memorabilia
Denim Timepieces
Semen in Your Hair 4 Less
Native America
Pungent Stuff!
AntiChrist Hairstylist
Bobcat Memorabilia
Denim Timepieces
Semen in Your Hair 4 Less
Native America
Oh, and these Food Court joints:
Ollie's
Diesel Gas Smoothies
Cajun Vomitz
Cheese from Beyond
The International House of Flouride
Cajun Vomitz
Cheese from Beyond
The International House of Flouride
5. Sassy Ass Sassafrass O'Riordan. Why cowpoke when you can MANPOKE?
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Longhorn Steaks is a reliable and delicious place to feed. The music is worse than being uncreated, but the food's almost good enough to warrant it. For a chain. They have all these old cowboy portraits on their walls and this one stuck out to me. Just a little. For a restaurant whose audience partially consists of the least tolerant people around [yes I'm generalizing, but go fuck yourself], it may have been a good idea not to have Loosepoops McBendaround as a prominent feature.
6. The #1 Pick-Up as Voted By Angus Scrimm.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
"BZZZZZZZZZT! You have reached the mailbox of Rhonda Peterson. Please leave a message."
"Rhonnie, I'm leaving you and I'm taking the coffin."
7. Capri-Stun.
Photo by Steve Murphy.
Have you ever been a man about town and craved some mediocre wine in a problematic little box? SOLVED.
8. The Coldest Hot.
Photo by Steve Murphy.
This may have been the Publix clerk's statement on the duality of man. Or proof that they've reached the pinnacle of their career's growth.
9. Yeah, I'm Not Above Vanity Plate Scrutiny.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
What the fuck was I thinking?
By the way:
"I just almost didn't farted!"
Message Board Thread.