I have 493 movies in my Netflix Instant queue. I tend to watch one thing for every five that I add, but now my library is close to being full and I have to make room. So, every Monday I’m going to pick a random movie out of my queue and review the shit out of it. But (like Jesus), I’m also thinking of you and your unwieldy queue and all the movies in it you want to watch but no longer have the time to now that you’ve become so awesome and popular. Let me know what has been gathering digital dust in your Netflix Instant library and I’ll watch that, too. One Monday for you and the next for me and so on. Let’s get to it.

What’s the movie? Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

What’s it rated? Rated PG for Jeff Goldblum out-smugging all, Carol Kane’s strange, yet arousing demeanor and 10 or 20 puns too many.

Did people make it? Written and Directed by Rudy De Luca. Acted by Ed Begley Jr., Jeff Goldblum, Joseph Bologna, Carol Kane, John Byner, Jeffrey Jones, Michael Richards, Geena Davis, Donald Gibb, Norman Fell and Teresa Ganzel.

What’s it like in one sentence? A kids movie filled to the brim with double entendres and a really lascivious Jeff Goldblum.

Why did you watch it? This week was supposed to be Highway to Hell, but it expired while I was halfway through it. Transylvania 6-5000 just got added along with Dead Heat and this won out by a thread.

What’s it about in one paragraph? Two investigative journalists get sent to Transylvania after a video surfaces 0f a man that looks a lot like Frankenstein’s Monster. If they don’t find evidence of the creature, then they’ll lose their jobs and any chance of career advancement, but once they arrive in Transylvania, they’ll find that Frankenstein’s Monster is the least of their worries, There’s also wolfmen, vampires and Jeff Goldblum’s leering eyes and condescending grin.

Sexier: face or voice?

Play or remove from my queue?  It’s worth it if you’re a child of the ’80’s or 90’s and are in the mood for a bit of a nostalgia infusion. However, if you’re in the mood for a real movie with characters you care about and stakes that matter, then maybe not so much. There’s quite a few moments where the film doesn’t even resemble a movie but a sketch comedy show from the mid-’80’s that never made it to series but has a pilot everyone has seen a thousand times. Transylvania 6-5000 is manic and loud and constantly bordering on obnoxious, but there is also a sweetness to it (aside from Goldblum’s character) that reminded me why I watched it so many times as a kid. Movies like this usually have a deep cynicism buried beneath their kid friendly exterior, but Transylvania 6-5000 manages to feel innocent, naive and deeply, deeply horny all at the same time. A pretty amazing achievement if I do say so myself, which I do because I am making these words.

Easily the highlight of the movie is the amazing cast who, while not all working at the top of their games, at the very least all seem to be having a good time on set and making new friends or something. Like I’ve said earlier, Goldblum skeeves me out in this. He falls for literally the first woman he meets in the entire movie and then borderline stalks her for the rest of the time until she slowly and awkwardly starts to relent. The fact that every time Ed Begley Jr. has a lead he wants to explore, Goldblum is more concerned with tracking the lady down to sniff her armpits or something gets pretty old after a while. Luckily, Ed Begley Jr.’s character was much more likable and a better audience surrogate than Goldblum’s was and much less annoying than I’ve ever seen him before. It’s funny because, when I think of Ed Begley Jr., I think of him mugging to the camera and using wildly exaggerated facial expressions to convey emotion, but in this wacky children’s comedy, he comes across as subdued and, dare I say, subtle. Michael Richards, however, is turned up to 11 playing a manservant who has a deeply annoying obsession with all forms of comedy. He gave me a headache by the end of the film but it’s easy to see why he moved on to bigger things from this. Some of the pratfalls he does are truly jaw dropping and look like they would kill me and other human facsimiles. The highlight of the actors for me (aside from Joseph Bologna’s runaway scenery chewing and a brief role from Mr. Fucking Roper) is Carol Kane and John Byner as a married servant couple. Not all of their jokes work, or even most of them, but they come across as the only characters with real souls in the entire film. Carol Kane even looks a little sexy in this, which I truly wasn’t expecting. Plus, John Byner is my hero for voicing Gurgi in The Black Cauldron, so watching him ham it up made me feel happy in my soul. Finally, Geena Davis looks hot, which was her purpose, so I guess good on her for that.

As soon as the movie ended, it started seeping away to the place it was before the re-watch: next to the half remembered middle school friends birthday parties and San Andreas cheat codes. Most of the jokes hit with a thud (which they probably wouldn’t if I were a child or just more of one), and the plot is too ludicrous to even repeat, but I didn’t hate myself after watching it like I normally do after movies like this. You could do a lot worse than this (even with Goldblum’s date rapey face leering about) and if you need a dose of nostalgia and you’ve already recently watched The Monster Squad, then I suppose you should give it a spin. Just be writing or playing Skyrim or something while you do it so you don’t have to hear all the words coming out of the mouths.

Michael Richards had a promising career in ventriloquism until he found out his dummy was a Jew.

Do you have a favorite line? “Look, there’s the castle. Doesn’t it have an ominous aura about it?” was bad enough to make me want to not watch movies anymore.

Do you have an interesting fun-fact? The scene with John Byner (Radu) and Carol Kane (Lupi) preparing lunch was entirely improvised. As it’s the funniest scene in the film (by a pretty wide margin) maybe they should have done some more of that.

 What does Netflix say I’d like if I like this? Return of the Killer Tomatoes (another one of my favorite movies as a kid. I won’t destroy my childhood by revisiting it), Earth Girls Are Easy (Haven’t seen in 15 years. Worth watching one more time?), Weird Science (been a while since I’ve seen this one, too), Big Trouble in Little China (are words needed here?) and MST3K: The Atomic Brain (haven’t got to this one yet. I just keep re-watching Red Zone Cuba).

What does Jared say I’d like if I like this? Just watch Night of the Comet or The Monster Squad, as they go after the same things but achieve them with panache.

What is Netflix’s best guess for Jared? 3.4

What is Jared’s best guess for Jared? 2.4

Can you link to the movie? I sure can!

Any last thoughts? Geena Davis does look really hot in this. ’80’s hair can sometimes counteract hotness in a lady person, but it’s all a part of the package here, ladies and gentlemen.

Did you watch anything else this week? All caught up on The Vampire Diaries (one of the best shows on television, FYI) and I also started Seinfeld from the beginning.

"Would anyone like to join my book club?"

Any spoilerish thoughts about last weeks film, The Last Circus? This spot is where I’m going to try and go a little deeper into the previous week’s movie so you guys have a week to watch it and bring the discussion with you. I had all this shit I was going to say, but then Chewer Sagarcha dropped a serious knowledge bomb and I feel like adding to it would cheapen his insight with my dime store shenanigans. Here’s his words:

The movie really is about spanish political history of the last century. The fat (or sad) clown is the Left, the crazy (or stupid, in the original) clown is the Right. As anybody who lived through the dictatorship of Franco in Spain would inmediately recognize this, as is clear from the credits (are they amazing or what!?!?) what De La Iglesia is aiming for.
In the period of the movie (post civil war) all Spain was living in a demented circus ruled by a bullish, insane “clown”. As you can see in the movie, the circus performers are scred shitless of the guy, but they smile his jokes and stand by him, beacuse he puts bread on the table. The new guy is the son of a clown who fought for the losing side in the war, and years later takes his father mantle, so to speak.
The most complex character is the girl (besides being De la Iglesia´s real life wife!), she is presented as really enjoying the abuse, but at the same time flirting with the new guy. She, more than anybody else in the movie, IS Spain.
Sorry for the long post, but I guess the movie plays on a whole different level of greatness when one knows all the background.
A few random things: througout the movie the key events that shaped spanish history are depicted, in a twisted way:
-The guy who gets his hand bitten is Franco, and there was really a supposed “hunting accident” where the dictator hurt his hand, that was never really explained. 
-The bishop/clown suit is an incredible jab at the Spanish church accomplice of a goverment that commited hundreds of summary executions and human rights violations.
-The guy in the exploding car was Carrero Blanco, the first victim of Spain´s recently (let´s hope) dismantled terrorist group, E.T.A…The balls of De La Iglesia to have the clown ask the terrorists “And what Circus do you come from?, when he actually lives in ETA´s hometown, are off the scale!
-There is a shitload of little details like these, that really speak to spanish people but need a little bit of explanation, and the thing with the big cross (Valle de los Caidos) is too complex, but just know that is a real place, built by the defeated soldiers of the war and is where Franco´s rests are buried.
The central meaning of the movie is that left/right, can be all the same, and today the clowns that rule over us are exchangeable…equally deformed, violent, pathetic and bat-shit insane.

Thank you, Sagarcha, for the incredibly intelligent post. Next week we’ll see if I have the mad skills to deconstruct me some Transylvania 6-5000. No breath holding please.

Next Week? Dead Heat? Red State? Mother’s Day? C.H.U.D.? Your choice.

You wanna bet her and Renny Harlin throw this in to start getting frisky?