I have 469 movies in my Netflix Instant queue. I tend to watch one thing for every five that I add, but now my library is close to being full and I have to make room. So, every Monday I’m going to pick a random movie out of my queue and review the shit out of it. But (like Jesus), I’m also thinking of you and your unwieldy queue and all the movies in it you want to watch but no longer have the time to now that you’ve become so awesome and popular. Let me know what has been gathering digital dust in your Netflix Instant library and I’ll watch that, too. One Monday for you and the next for me and so on. Let’s get to it.

What’s the movie? Night of the Comet (1984)

What’s it rated? PG-13 for excessive use of a red lens filter, Mary Woronov’s chiseled jaw and all that fucking hair.

Did people make it? They sure did!! Written and Directed by Thom Eberhardt. Acted by Catharine Mary Stewart, Kelli Maroney, Robert Beltran, Mary Woronov, Sharon Farrell, Geoffrey Lewis, Peter Fox and Michael Bowen.

What’s it like in one sentence? Aqua Net: The Motion Picture.

Why did you watch it? Chewers WeAreLegion and Rockatansky got me all excited for it.

Left Behind 3: The Smoting

What’s it about in one paragraph? A comet that hasn’t been seen for 65 million years passes over Earth and turns almost everyone into red dust. The only exceptions are people who only got lightly exposed to the comet (in which case you become an angry zombie for a few hours before exploding into the red dust) and people who were encased in steel (who are just fine). A movie theater employee, her cheerleader sister and a Mexican truck driver are the only survivors in Los Angeles, but before they can start rebuilding civilization they’ll have to deal with a secret government think tank that wants their blood for a cure, zombie assholes with machine guns and… that’s actually about it. Just the zombies and the government guys. They do okay for themselves.

Mr. Perry's neighborhood.

Play or remove from my queue? Play it!! I’m pretty sure I’m last to the party on this one, but if you haven’t seen it then you must. I don’t know if I was just in the perfect mood for this one or if this is truly an almost perfect ’80’s anomaly combining tone and genres willy-nilly. When the closing credits came up and I heard the 6th or 7th song of the film with a freewheeling, melodramatic sax solo, I realized I was in love, and since I have no horse in this race due to a 0% nostalgia factor, I believe this love is true and eternal. Night of the Comet made me truly happy all the way down in my soul because of its acting, characters, plot, direction and overall demeanor. It’s like Night of the Comet walked into a party and I was across the room and instantly had my breath taken away and then decided to make a move, only to discover that she belongs to everyone and loves us all equally like Jesus or Chuck E. Cheese.

I’m just going to gush for a while so you’ll have to just bear with me.

  • I love that Catherine Mary Stewart bangs a young Michael Bowen (creating the douchebag template he would perfect in Lost and Magnolia) as if she’s tying her shoes. She doesn’t even seem to like him very much, let alone want his greasy balls near her.
  • I love that the reason Hector didn’t die like everyone else was because he was sexing a hitchhiker in the back of his truck. And when he recounts the reason to Catherine Mary Stewart, he’s a little embarrassed by it. Such a nice young man.
  • I love the slap fight between Sam and her bitch stepmother Doris. Doris slaps her, Sam fucking slaps her orange face right back and then Doris full on lady punches her right in the lips.
  •  Love the shopping montage to “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”, complete with synchronized dancing and the trying on of large hats and pearl necklaces. Second best shopping montage ever!
  • I love the red lens filter used in every exterior shot of the movie from the 15 minute mark until the end when the rain washes the comet funk away and everyone gets to live happily ever after.
  • Love the last 5 minutes of the movie. The fact that Reggie and Hector have basically decided to keep the kids as their own and dress them up to take pictures is hilarious and also really fucking weird. “Don’t cross against the light” has become a new mainstay in my house.
  • Love the shootout in the department store. It is so laid back and relaxed it’s almost like they’re playing paintball. With marshmallows.
  • Love the reason the scientists need blood is because they left the vents open during the meteor’s passing and now they’re turning into zombies. They were almost safe but they forgot to do something stupid like any of us. Who’s laughing now college graduates?
  • I love Catherine Mary Stewart for reminding me I love The Last Starfighter.
  • I love that the film is campy, but also smart and entertaining in its own right. It’s dated and ’80’s as hell, but that never detracts from it’s constant owning of your senses.

I love so many more things about this movie like how the actress that plays Sam (Kelli Maroney) sometimes moves like she lost all the bones in her arms, or the arc of Mary Woronov’s scientist, or the fact that there’s only like two zombies in the entire movie, or that, in the 28 years of acting he’s done since this movie, Geoffrey Lewis still never looks like he has anything going on behind his eyes. I could go on and on about the things I loved about this movie but I should stop there since I’m already over 1,000 words. If I had a problem with the film at all it would be that all of the danger they get into is pretty easily overcome, but that’s another thing that I love. The girls and Hector kick so much ass that nothing will ever stand in their way, especially repopulating the planet.

"Poor, poor Mr. Quick."

Do you have a favorite line?  The greatest line delivery ever from a laconic lackey with a gun to his head : “C’mon Willy, she means it.” Also, “Let’s play a game. It’s called ‘scary noises'” was pretty wonderful.

Do you have an interesting fun-fact? Other than the fact that this movie used to be called “Teenage Mutant Horror Comet Zombies“? Do you need more than that? Who the fuck do you think you are?

What does Netflix say I’d like if I like this? The Video Dead (I grew up seeing the box for this in my local video store but never had the courage to rent it. Added), The Apple (More Catherine Mary Stewart for the face. Added), Zombie High (1987 + Sherilyn Fenn = where do I sign?), They Came Back (I tried watching this a few years back and it bored the hell out of me. Give it another try?), Waxwork (“Steak Tartar? Ah, yes. Steak tartar”).

What does Jared say I’d like if I like this? This and only this forever and ever. Although you’d probably dig Terrorvision and Return of the Living Dead.

HERE I AM...

What is Netflix’s best guess for Jared? 3.2

What is Jared’s best guess for Jared? 5.0

Can you link to the movie? Anything for you!

Any last thoughts? I really hope I’m not over hyping this for anyone who hasn’t seen it. It’s just so gleefully original that I am not in the mood to find fault in it at all. This movie made my night and everyone will find their own things to love about it.

Did you watch anything else this week? The Three Shitsucking Asshole-keteers. Fuck this movie up Paul W.S. Anderson’s ass.

Next Week? Altered.


"Hey, hey, look at me while we do it. Hey, c'mon. I know my sweat smells like Canadian Bacon, but it tastes like parental anger. Hey, hey, nnnnnnnnng nnnnnnnnnnng. Hey.