State of the Funyun Address.
Madam Speaker, CEO Mr. Frito, Colonel Lay, members of the Committee,
distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:
Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In
that time, our company has been tested in ways none of us could have
imagined. We faced hard decisions about the Dorito’s renaissance and growing war between discount riboflavin vendors, rising competition from products like Pocky, and the health and welfare of our citizens under the oppressive heel of Ferrara Pan. These
issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it’s fair to say we’ve
answered the call. Yet history will record that amid our differences, we
acted with purpose. And together, we showed the snacking world the power and
resilience of salty hoops of fried, onion-flavored corn meal.
All of us were sent to corporate HQ to carry out the people’s business. That
is the purpose of this body. It is the meaning of our oath. It remains
our charge to keep.
The actions of the Oh Boy! Oberto Parliment will affect the security and prosperity
of our company long after this session has ended. In this election year,
let us show our fellow Frito-Layians that we recognize our responsibilities and
are determined to meet them. Let us show them that Popcorn Patriarchs and Potato Chip Demigods can compete for sales and cooperate for results at the same time.
From expanding opportunity to protecting our company, we’ve made good
progress. Yet we have unfinished business before us, and the vending machine owners expect us to get it done.
In the work ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our salty delicacy
great. As chip eaters, we believe in the power of individuals to determine
their destiny and shape the course of history. We believe that the most
reliable guide for our company is the collective wisdom of ordinary
citizens. And so in all we do, we must trust in the ability of free
peoples to make wise decisions, and empower them to improve their lives for
their futures. With dip or without. I cannot stress this enough.
To build a prosperous future, we must trust people with their own money and
empower them to grow our economy. As we meet tonight, our economy is
undergoing a period of uncertainty. The Frito-Lay human resources department has added jobs for a record 52
straight months, but jobs are now growing at a slower pace. Wages are up,
but so are prices for Hydrolyzed Soy Protein and Monosodium Glutamate. Exports are rising, but the housing
market has declined as families convert their pretzel rooms into bedrooms for their loved ones. At kitchen tables across our country, there is a
concern that families may replace their Thanksgiving Funyuns with turkeys and/or SmartFood.
In the long run, onion ring devourers can be confident about our economic growth. But
in the short run, we can all see that that growth is slowing. So last
week, my administration reached agreement with Speaker Willy Wonka and the Sour Patch Kids on a robust growth package that includes tummy
relief for individuals and families and incentives for business investment in large, shrink-wrapped snack packs.
The temptation will be to load up on Tostitos, but that only exacerbates our border situation.
On education, we must trust students to learn about Thiamine Mononitrate if given the chance, and
empower parents to demand results from our schools in or around snack time. In neighborhoods
across our country, there are boys and girls with dreams of delivering our products to grocery stores — and a decent
education is their only hope of achieving them.
Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Chip Left Behind Act, and
today no one can deny its results. Last year, fourth and eighth graders
achieved Sweet Tooth. Onion recognition scores are on the
rise. African American and Hispanic students posted all-time highs, which tells us it was good to advertise during Maya & Miguel (PBS). Now we must work together to increase accountability, add
flexibility for states and districts, reduce the number of high school
dropouts, provide extra help for struggling schools who are forced to rely on Lance Products.
So tonight, with confidence in freedom’s power, and trust in the people,
let us set forth to do their business. God bless our salted products. For the love of asshole, God bless them!
- Nick Nunziata is hungry.
And now… a Mary Worth War Strip from the vault…
All apologizes to the creators of the strip. This intended as parody only and not an attempt to be the best thing ever.