Previously on DVD WAR: Galaxy of Terror vs. Forbidden World, Piranha vs. Humanoids from the Deep,  Clash of the Titans vs Clash of the Titans and The Terror Within vs. Dead Space.

A Gentleman’s Introduction:

I’ll defend Roger Corman in most instances. I might even be persuaded to lift a weapon in his honor should a skirmish arise relating to the global significance of Humanoids from the Deep. There are worse causes. And Corman is that rare and splendid blend of neuromancer and two-bit thief in the night.

But I must sadly reveal that the best Corman horror double features have come and gone. Each new release has been a colossus of despair and after the last DVD I found myself never wanting to watch another Alien knockoff in my life.

Now they’re reaching for my cortex of hearts, Jaws and Creature from the Black Lagoon. I present to you the comparison study for Up from the Depths and Demon of Paradise:

A Quick Look:

Up from the Depths tells the story of an underwater earthquake that unleashes a giant prehistoric eater who swims around a fictional Hawaiian island eating the dick out of people. The island rises against it. Well, not the island but a bunch of 70’s individuals on the island (including a dubbed and wisely unbilled R. Lee Ermey). Imagine Jaws minus everything and you’re on point.

Demon of Paradise tells the story of an underwater reptile asshole who is an urban legend who turns out to be a real lizard pushover when his slumber is interrupted by dynamite fishing. Well, not DYNAMITE fishing. How would they hold the poles, with their fuse? People fishing with dynamite, which explodes the fish to the surface and thusly ruins their day. It wreaks havoc all around until it gets its ass handed to it without much of a fight. The big surprise here is that this fellow doesn’t have much rape on the mind. The Humanoids from the Deep and Galaxy of Terror creepies roamed their respective stomping grounds with raging boners. The Demon of Paradise is an impotent weakling who is about as scary as a birthday cake.

COMPARISON #1
Boaty Titles:

The Best Director Credit Ever.

"Lounging on the sea with big words over me..."

vs.

Not a demon. Not paradise.

Not a demon. Not paradise.

Advantage: An Amazing Tie!

These are hilarious in their idiocy but also how arbitrary they are. People flitting about the sea. FREEZE. Titles. And the editor is at Happy Hour at 10am after arriving at the office at 9:45. Better yet, the gentleman on the boat in the top picture has just discovered that his underwater dame that was scuba diving is now scuba dying. He looks a little perturbed, but not enough to go check on her. He hightails it home, presumably to wrangle another Redshirt to mount and then allow to die in a boring fashion. Demon of Paradise chooses a delightful font but you cannot compete with disheartened Honkeys.

COMPARISON #2
Cameo appearances by people I just made up:

Up From The Depths: I would turn my tugboat right around if I saw this.

vs.

Demon of Paradise: Dead-Eyed Susan. Lover. Scientist. Eyes like doll.

Advantage: Up from the Depths every day of every week.

There is a subplot involving the gentleman on top where he is unable to go hunt the sea monster because his little ethnic sea ride is stuck on the rocks. Hilarity ensues. Redd Foxx does a pirouette in his grave, but it has nothing to do with this film. The woman on the bottom is a dreadful actress who looks like a mix between Geena Davis and stillbirth. Easiest decision in town.
COMPARISON #3
The Beast in Repose.

Up From The Depths: Double Dorsal Delight!

vs.

Demon of the Water: Floatin' like he means it.

Advantage: Demon of Paradise.

The beast in the image on top is rarely present in the film, a rarity in Corman films. Usually they are parading their shambling wares all across the screen seemingly screaming “look at how shitty I’ve become!” and the worse they are typically the more you see them. This boring Shitshark is barely there and when he is there, he’s barelier. The Demon of Paradise is oblivious to most things, showing up early and often and it’s a miracle he survives to the end because he is a loser. I envision in his prehistoric day he was shoved into aquatic kelp lockers and given ocean wedgies before somehow tripping and falling down UNDERWATER. It’s a shame the title Failure from Below was already taken.

COMPARISON #4
Coastal Broads, part one.

Up From The Depths: This may have been this lady's sexiest hour. Uh-oh.

vs.

Demon of the Water: OK, I'm listenin'.

Advantage: Demon of the Water.

It’s like Sophie’s Choice, but with vaginas.

COMPARISON #5
Action!

Up From The Depths: "The Creature is Stiffening Near Us!"

vs.

Demon of the Water: The Perfect Survival Machine.

Advantage: Other Films.

Watching these films for great action sequences is like killing a kitten for world peace.

COMPARISON #6
Colorful supporting characters.

Up From The Depths: The pinnacle of all things.

vs.

Demon of the Water: Who let him on the island?

Advantage: Up From The Depths.

If you haven’t seen our video teaser for this review you don’t know the glory of “I Will Kill!”. Your life is worse for it. The man on top is Asia’s answer to The Beyonder. He is an amazing sort. A legend. Have I mentioned he is Asian and amazing? The man on the bottom is a Roly Poly Camera Hogging Asshole and I hope he’s falling down in his bathroom right now.

COMPARISON #7
The menace of EVIL!

Up From The Depths: Paparazzi follows Up From The Depths wherever he goes.

vs.

Demon of the Water: "If only I'd brought my cane..."

Advantage: Up from the Depths.

This is tough because both creatures come off in their respective films as dangerous as sleeping amputee mice, but at least Up from the Depths (yes, I’m convinced that’s the creature’s name) doesn’t drunkenly fail around the island while looking like a mixture of The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Sadness in a bowl, and Nick Chinlund.

COMPARISON #8
Coastal Broads, part two.

Up From The Depths: There must be a six pack of Coors around that rock.

vs.

Demon of the Water: Farrah Fawcett-Minors.

Advantage: Up from the Depths.

The lady in the top frame has a delectable figure and wisely only appears in one brief shot in the film. And her face is hidden, which is a boon. My imagination tells me she looks like my type of broad: all of the best qualities of Robert Mitchem + Lipstick. The lady on the lower image looks fine with her top off (secret extra NSFW ten grabs image) but the more she talks and moves and exists… the further my sperms retreat into my feet.
A Gentleman’s Closing:

These films are anti-fun. Horribly made, shoddily produced, and acted by non-talent. Luckily, I look for that in films. In summation, I heartily recommend these films.

Not really, but there are certain expectations when it comes to Roger Corman “produced” flicks like this and if you are to be surprised by them its when one of them actually turns out good.

WINNER:
YOU, if buy these.

BUY IT FROM US!


And Now Some Additional TEN GRABS Joy:

Here’s an extra NSFW Grab.