tim burton dumbo

In order to continue its legacy of spreading despicable information out into the world, The Wall Street Journal has revealed that Tim Burton will be directing the live action remake of Dumbo.

Let’s pick apart why this is going to be a more hateful film than the lovechild of The Birth of a Nation and Triumph of the Will. First off, Burton hasn’t been anything to write home about in a long time. I say that as someone who is a pretty big fan of his work. My friend and I even did a whole podcast episode about the guy, so I’m not on some Burton hate-train or anything. Ever since he stopped being a person and became a Disney brand, his output has been unbearable (with the exception of the not-too-shabby Frankenweenie). I can’t imagine that Dumbo is going to be the thing that brings out his long-buried talents.

Secondly, the original Dumbo clocks in at just around an hour, and movies these days can’t be less than ninety minutes or else… well, I don’t know why they need to be that long. Probably because people would be upset if they have to pay exorbitant tickets prices for something that’s as long as an episode of Better Call Saul (which you should be watching). Anyways, since they are going to have to elongate the story, you can count on a whole bunch of extraneous hoopla, and according to THR that hoopla will be in the form of “a unique family story that parallels Dumbo’s journey.” Because kids today are stupid and need a double dose of a story’s themes and ideas.

Lastly, this is just another in a long line of Disney making crap remakes/reimaginings/re-Ihatetheseterms of their classic properties. Alice in Wonderland and Maleficient have already been dour disappointments (if anyone was expecting them to be good in the first place), and we’ve got the unnecessary Cinderella coming out this weekend with Beauty and the Beast scheduled to be next on the chopping block. I highly doubt that Dumbo is going to be the shining jewel in this turd mountain of re-dos.

Someone will probably argue that these stories have been retold throughout time and that the new versions won’t take away from the old ones. Fine. That doesn’t mean we can’t all collectively agree that these new versions are the anal warts inside of Mickey Mouse’s diseased bum. We do collectively agree on this, right?

Oh, I almost forgot. Everyone’s favorite screenwriter, Ehren Kruger, is scripting. Spin that into some gold, Chewers.