Economic Crisis SOLVED.

Hey
folks, did you know that the economy is trouble? Some news sites are
reporting it. Apparently there’s some financial hardship happening and
no one is enjoying it except the people who benefit from woe (warlocks,
clowns, executioners, philanthropists, and blacksmiths).

Money’s getting punched in the face by God.

Rumor has it one of the things being affected by this crisis is the way people grumpily deliver mail to your home. They might abolish Saturday delivery.

I
don’t know if this will affect how lackadaisically they deal with you
at the counter at the Post Office or how indifferently they attack the
concept of a work ethic but you have to keep your shit on a swivel in
these tough times and time will tell how deep the stampy rabbit hole
twists.

It’s hard to lose your job if you are a postal worker. Post Office people can only lose their job in one of six ways:

1. Die. This is negotiable.
2. Murder the daylight out of everyone.
3. Rape the Postmaster General during business hours.
4. Go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
5. Never apply for a job at the Post Office.
6. Give people another thing brown can do for them.

I
find not being able to get bills on Saturday a nuisance. I deserve to
get bills on Saturday. Fuck, I deserve mail on Sundays too because
religion has already ruined liquor purchases and Chick-Fil-A for me and
that’s too much of a Sunday sacrifice. I want to get Adam & Eve
deliveries whenever I need them and by golly I never get Chick-Fil-A
cravings on Wednesdays. ONLY SUNDAYS, WHEN THEY ARE CHURCHING.

Not that the Post Office’s hours are dictated by religion. I just like to generalize.

So, don’t cut hours at the mail centers, government. Actually do that too because in my 36 years I’ve had ONE
good mail carrier and a whole mess of shitty, lazy, and bullshit ones.
One had the gall to not even get out of her car to deliver something,
instead leaving a note in my mailbox saying “attempted delivery, no one
home” as I watched from the doorway with bated breath. When I realized
she wasn’t bringing the paycheck I was expecting I tried to chase her
down the street but my little Italian legs were no match for her car’s 111
horsepowerfuls and her own leaden stinkfoot.

But why don’t you also cut back on the cops, government?

Not
the ones who prevent crime. Not the ones who safeguard the populace.
Just the ones who direct traffic for the big churches (yes it’s a
theme. I do not like religion). Just the ones who give useless tickets
en masse. Just the ones who park next to each other and talk instead of
doing something valuable.

That’s
the real waste of money I’ve been seeing lately, the mustachioed ant
lions waiting on both ends of the street I live on, doing very little
to make me feel any safer since they are much more concerned with the 9
mile speed limit breach of an Escalade than the two home invasions that
have happened within five miles of my home in the past two weeks. If
cops patrolled my street, one that is filling up with renters rather
than homeowners, they’d probably have already led to a few arrests that
actually HELPED.

Instead,
they waited in the median for some master criminal to run a yellow
light on his way to save a child from drowning or something.

Keep
the Saturday mail. Lose the Monday-Sunday waste I’m seeing in my town
with the increased police presence and oddly timed increase in crime.

Today’s Moments:

  • Suddenly I am very excited about next week’s trip to LA.

  • My dog has tracheitis. Which means she has a cough. I spent $100 the be given this fancy word at the vet.

  • I got a starfish in the mail today. It was alive and everything!

  • I
    read the Twitters of peers always name-dropping who they got to meet,
    what they got to see early, and all that shit and typically groan.
    Today, I got some Watchmen swag that I have to admit… rocked ass.

  • Dennis’ bachelor party tonight. Could be interesting!