What’ll I do when you
Are far away
And I am blue
What’ll I do…
And so it has come to be. As you get ready to spend your final full morning in the White House I thought that I’d share some thoughts with you as our last precious hours dwindle.
Eight years. It’s been eight years since you entered the Oval Office. I can remember it vividly. Do you remember your first big world event? Remember those American pilots who crashed over in Red China? Remember how they were trapped over there and you used your diplomacy (DE-PLO-MA-SEE) skills to get them back? You were a hero then G-Dubs. A true, blue American hero.
That was followed by September 11, 2001. Even some of the biggest, smelliest liberals admit that you performed well on that day and the weeks to follow. You rallied the country together, you told us to stand with you as you sought out those who attacked us, you assured us that all would be well.
And then you promptly fucked it all up. Well done. Some people might have assumed that you would try and keep America united but that was never your true plan. Oh no, you were always going to resort back to the politics of division. You had a plan and you were going to follow it. Because you know that only history and God will judge you. And God sure as hell wasn’t going to talk.
Or maybe he was. In August of 2005, Hurricane Katrina destroyed thousands of homes and lives. People gave you a lot of trouble for your response following Katrina but I understand what was going on. How can you be everywhere at once? You’re only one man. I mean, John McCain has a birthday party you had to attend to! Who was going to give him his cake?
We’ve had good times too. Like that time that
IRAQ HAS DEMOCRACY NOW! You brought democracy to Iraq! Alright! USA! USA!
And Afghanistan is in great shape now. Saddam Hussein is dead and buried. Oh, there are two more conservative judges on the Supreme Court, spying is totally legal, terrorists are being round up and sent to Gitmo! Things are happening, America is strong. You are at the helm and this ship is just cruising along to Freedom Land.
I could spend the rest of this blog recounting your number of successes but instead I’d rather sum it up with my wish to you.
I wish that the rest of your days in Texas are peaceful. I wish you spend plenty of time with Laura and Barney, reading history books, writing your memoirs and enjoying a well deserved break. However, I do recommend that you hire a crew to do your yardwork. You seem to get an awful lot of brush on your ranch.
I hope that you are proud of your presidency. I hope you feel like you’ve achieved a lot. I hope that you spend your twilight years giving speeches and donating money and shaping the future you and Karl Rove envisioned eight years ago.
I also hope that you never read a newspaper or biography. Trust me, it’s probably for the best.
These last eight years have only been a warm-up for the real vacation you’re about to go on! Enjoy!
A Proud American
P.S. You should probably tell Jeb not to run in 2012. He might actually achieve something and damage your legacy.
A new home awaits you. — By Travis Newton