God above.  Hear our prayers.

I don’t need to watch Step Up 2 the Streets
to know that Briana Evigan has what the French call a certain
“Awooooogah!”.  But that won’t stop me from sheepishly Netflix-ing the
movie in a few months – while that Criterion Agnes Varda box goes
uncracked* – just to confirm that, yes, this girl requires defilement. 
It’s a sickness.  I can’t help what I do.  I can’t help it.  Hide me,
Rick.

As my soul weeps and rusts, Disney piles on the temptation:  there will be a Step Up 3, and it’s going to pop off the screen like a half-swallowed Simon MacCorkindale proffering a hand grenade.  That’s right, the Step Up franchise is entering… the third dimension!!!  But while Variety is reporting that Step Up 2 the Streets
helmer Jon Chu is being lured back for one last rain-swept dance-off,
there’s nary a word as to whether the ripe-as-all-golly Briana Evigan
will be returning for an encore writhe-a-rama.  This is troubling. 
Worse, rumors are running rampant that she’ll be replaced by Mac Davis.

I hate to praise anything with which Adam Shankman is associated (he produced both Step Up
films with Jennifer Gibgot), but it’s not like I’ve actually paid to
see any of these movies.  Obviously, Disney is hot to duplicate the 3-D
success of their Hannah Montana/Miley Cyris: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour,
but they mustn’t get so caught up in the gimmick that they lose sight
of what made this franchise what it is… after Channing Tatum.  Give
us us Evigan!  In our laps!

Step Up 3-D is scheduled for production later this year.  John Guare is currently re-writing a screenplay by Leon Spinks.


*Wince.