The Masterpiece: Destroy All Planets
Purchase Link: You Are Welcome.
The Year: 1969
The Director: Kenji Yuasa
Beasts to Enjoy: Gamera. Gyaos. Viras. A Retarded Lizard.
Marketing Quotes/Taglines: “Giant Monsters Battle For the Conquest of Earth!”
If I ran the Marketing: “I Fucked Your Father Through Your Mother!”
What the Fuck is Going On: First of all, Gamera is a dumb asshole. Horrible underbite. Inexplicable jets in his feet. Just an all-around douche. It wasn’t until the 1990’s that he got his shit together. In this film Gamera decides to aid two horribly annoying kids in Boy Scout uniforms against an oppressive alien race known as the Virans. See, they want to want to control Gamera as their own giant turtle weapon, which I suppose is a rather modest wish for a villainous race that travels throughout the galaxy. Also, I have no idea how “We Need Big Boring Turtle” translates into “Destroy All Planets”. Destroying ALL planets is a foolhardy choice for aliens, since there’s so many planets out there. Literally dozens. Plus, if you really want to destroy you some planets, is a turtle really the way to go? Perhaps Dan the Atomic Sea Lion was unavailable.

As a child I loved this movie (also known as Gamera vs. Viras). I also loved my mom’s tits. I’ve since grown to find both extremely overrated upon revisit.


See for yourself:




















Tomorrow: Something that is Asian and Wrong!