The Film: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964) Buy it from CHUD on Blu-ray!
The Principles: Nicholas Webster (Director). John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti, Christ Month, Pia Zadora, etc.
The Premise: Martians kidnap Santa Claus because they have no present-peddling, breaking-and-entering weirdo of their own.
When Gandalf finally awoke in The Grey Havens, he was none too pleased to find out that he’d been conned.
Is It Good?: “S-A-N-T-A-C-L-A-U-S, hooray for San-tee Claus!”
What was the question again? Oh, is this a goodun’? No. Absolutely not. It’s a super cheap, ultra campy, and massively crappy piece of cinema. The script is awful, the acting is worse, and the sets and costumes would make actors in lowest budget kaiju-filled monster movie you can think of die of laughter. Seriously, Gamera would deem these sets unworthy of trampling.
[ominous shot kids in grayface and shitty costumes]
Well kids, I’m sorry. You movie sucks. I don’t care if it has a Santa who thinks Richard Nixon is one of his reindeer. I don’t care if you have a half-assed Gandalf crying about your Santa-less existence on Mars.
Take a mustache ride or die, Saint Nick!
Martian Kid #1: “What is tender loving care?”
Martin Kid #2: “I don’t know.”
I do. It’s something this film will never give you! Hey-o!
[ominous shot of Martian child staring blankly]
Oh cut that shit out, you thieving little bastards! If you want a Santa, get your own! Or at least take Santa With Muscles off our hands. I’m sure Tim Kelly would be more than grateful. Also, I love how you seem to show little concern for nabbing the real Santa, content with possibly just kidnapping a member of the Salvation Army or any old costumed mall wino. And that’s exactly what you would have done if those two dumbass kids in the woods hadn’t told you there was only one real Santa. Please feel free to feed them too any remaining Tharks on your world. Or don’t and I’ll let John Carter bitchslap them all over Barsoom once he’s done vacationing inside Moon Bloodgood. Either option is fine with me.
I hope this does for me what Forbidden Planet did for Robbie. Wait, why is everyone laughing?
[sad shot of Martian brats crying]
If that upset you, what until I sentence you to a double-feature Red Planet and Mars Needs Moms! Oh look, someone is in a giant white teddy bear suit and crawling around on all fours! WATCH OUT FOR THE TERRIFYING POLAR BEAR!!! And here’s Gort & Robbie the Robot’s mongoloid love child! There is honestly no way that robot could have gotten out of that ship’s tiny hatch. I DEMAND LOGIC IN MY SHITTY CHRISTMAS MOVIES!
“Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians!?!”
Oh come on! I dare you to tell me that this movie isn’t trolling me at this point. And the grumpy Martian’s porno-stache isn’t helping matters. You know what is funny? The retarded Martian’s name is Droppo. I’m assuming because he was droppo’d on his head as an infant. Har har har. Also funny? Santa contemplating staying on Mars out of fear of the nagging he’ll get from the Mrs. upon his return to Earth.
Are you in an abusive relationship? Has battered husband syndrome got you down? THEN GET YOUR ASS TO MARS!
What was I saying again? I think my train of thought committed suicide. Why did I watch this? Oh yeah, for the Chewers. I hope you’re all happy. Fear isn’t the mindkiller. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is. By the way, there is absolutely no goddamn conquering going on in the cinematic travesty outside of the kidnapping of what little dignity I have left.
The first day of shooting on Asylum’s THE GOLDEN KRAMPUS.
Is It Worth A Look?: If you haven’t already guessed that this is a must-see, then you are a moron. Seriously, what are you waiting for? Not only are there countless cheapo DVD versions of this public domain flick, if you can watch it for free online if you are an Amazon Prime member! Not good enough for you? Well, there’s always YouTube. Either way, stop what you are doing and go watch it NOW! Share my pain!
Random Anecdotes: It notoriously sits alongside Plan 9 From Outer Space as one of the “50 worst films ever made”.
A stage musical was produced in the 1990s and has since been revived off and on every few years since. Coincidentally, most of the film’s cast were Broadway veterans.
The Air Force stock footage used in the film is actually the exact same footage used during the start of Dr. Strangelove.
Kino Lorber actually took it upon themselves recently to craft a digitally-remastered special edition of the film via their “Kino Classics” label. It was released 10 days ago on Blu-ray & DVD.
Cinematic Soulmates: Santa Claus: The Movie (1985), The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), Rise of the Guardians (2012), Jack Frost (1964), Santa Claus (1959), and just about any other demented (and occasionally MST3K-worthy) holiday masterpiece that pops into you mind! You know, the CLASSICS!
Why, oh, why didn’t I watch this version?!?!?